UPJOKE

Dating Profile Jokes

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Was seeing a girl who had "I'm a dog person" on their dating profile.

I found it strange that she never introduced me to her dog though so I thought it might have died and never brought it up.

Around our 6 month anniversary she asked if we could spice things up. I said sure.

I was on the bed waiting and she came in on all fours wearing a wolf fursuit a...

It's important to read dating profiles carefully

I just got back from an evening with the smelliest person ever. My bad, I thought she said she was "aromantic".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

What does Medusa have in her dating profile?

Beware: I'm drop dead gorgeous.

A dating profile reads...

Single woman with Lysol and hand sanitizer seeking single man with two-ply toilet paper for good, clean fun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dating Profile

Newly single.

Newly widowed more accurately.

My ex fucked dozens.

Many children, all aggressive in nature.

I have a goofy name but my friends just call me....

FOAB.

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

I'm 5'8.5" and I'm not sure if it would be better to round it up or down on my dating profile

I can round down to 4'20" or round up to 69"

^^^post ^^^unavailable ^^^in ^^^metric

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head.

-- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs s...

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