My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don’t hate me.) Edit: corrected word.

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

I went back in time to meet a great classical composer of the 18th century but I couldn't meet him

He was out choping

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

Who is a chicken's favorite composer?

Bach

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to attend the 18th century composer costume party.

He said, “Yes, I’ll be Bach”.

They told Beethoven he'd never play or compose music.

But did he listen?

Who is a chickens favourite composer

Johan Sebastian Bock

Where are composers taken to be executed?

To the Chopin block

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starring in a movie about musical composers.

He’ll be Bach.

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? When he asked who the best composer was

they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

This guy said he was going to compose an atheist theme song ....

I suggested, "Don't START believing".

What do a composer and a racist have in common?

They both use slurs

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm

(Credit to my girlfriend)

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

Why did everyone hate the classical composer’s music

Everyone thought he had some sheet music

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

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A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

My Friend And I Recently Desecrated A German Composer's Tomb

It was Bach-breaking work, but we got it done.

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

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What do you call a heterosexual music composer?

Straighthoven

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines.

She's a Singer songwriter.

So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

What do you call a conflict between composers?

A de*bach*le.

Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

Co worker told me this one

Sean Connery, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing making a movie about great composers.

Sean Connery says “Only if I get to be Mozart”

Stallone says “Then I’ll be Beethoven “

Arnold says “I’ll be Bach”

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Fish composed of 2 sodium atoms?

2Na

Bach was a legendary composer with 20 kids.........

I guess that qualifies him as being a freak in the sheets and on the sheets.....

Joke about dead Austrian composer

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

T...

My friend asked if I wanted to be the Terminator or a 17th century composer for halloween

So I said "I'll be Bach"

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

Why were all the 17th century composers poor?

Because they were baroque a f.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

It was the final of the national poetry competition

There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.

They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.

Up steps the university student and he goes:
"On the lonely desert sands,
Crossed a lo...

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere...

i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

A farmer bragged to his friend about his smart chickens

"How do you know they're smart?"

"They love classical music! That's smarty-pants music right there."

"And how do you know that's what they like?"

"Every morning, I say to the chickens 'What music for today?' and they ask for their favorite composer: 'Bach, Bach, Bach!'"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

Why was the Austrian composer so hard to find?

Because he was Haydn.

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

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I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

What did the composer say about the music at the Super Bowl?

It's in half time.

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

So I phoned my friend to ask him why he's been calling me the names of different composers, but he didn't answer...

He hasn't called me Bach yet.

In honor of Father's day, a dad joke

There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.


He'll be Bach

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

In his prime Mozart was one of the best composers.

But after his death he became a decomposer.

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl

After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest...

What happens to musicians when they die

They de-compose

Every time a famous music composer dies...

... he starts decomposing.

What appears when you ask a genie for a classical composer?

A wish Liszt.

I made a belt, entirely composed of watches

It was a waist of time

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

Why did the composer go to the chiropractor?

Because he had Bach problems

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The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.

It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.

In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are ...

What do you call a boy-band composed of stoners?

No Direction.

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