Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

They asked Arnold Schwarzenegger to play a classical composer for a movie do you know what his reply was?

I'll be Bach

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

Who is the chicken's favorite composer?

Bach.

How do you cook german composers?

Just let Hans simmer for about 2 hours.

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

What do you call Chinese cabbage that composes music?

Bach choy.

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don’t hate me.) Edit: corrected word.

What happened when the composer got fired for being too experimental?

He went baroque.

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

Did you hear about the composer who took a vow of silence?

His friends called him Mutezart.

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An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism

Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!"

Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"

Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"

Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Cause when he asked them who their favorite composer was, they all said "Bach, Bach, Bach"

What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries?

A Chopin cart

This guy said he was going to compose an atheist theme song ....

I suggested, "Don't START believing".

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm

(Credit to my girlfriend)

Who is a chickens favourite composer

Johan Sebastian Bock

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to attend the 18th century composer costume party.

He said, “Yes, I’ll be Bach”.

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines.

She's a Singer songwriter.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

General approaches the Bugler

The General went to the company Bugler.

I understand that you're something of a composer. One of my senior officers has been run over by a tank, and I'd like you to write a funeral dirge for him.

No sweat.

What key will you compose it in?

It would be fitting to use A flat...

What do a composer and a racist have in common?

They both use slurs

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

Joke about dead Austrian composer

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

T...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

My Friend And I Recently Desecrated A German Composer's Tomb

It was Bach-breaking work, but we got it done.

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

Fish composed of 2 sodium atoms?

2Na

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

What do you call a conflict between composers?

A de*bach*le.

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What do you call a heterosexual music composer?

Straighthoven

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

Bach was a legendary composer with 20 kids.........

I guess that qualifies him as being a freak in the sheets and on the sheets.....

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere...

i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

Why were all the 17th century composers poor?

Because they were baroque a f.

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

Why was the Austrian composer so hard to find?

Because he was Haydn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

What did the composer say about the music at the Super Bowl?

It's in half time.

So I phoned my friend to ask him why he's been calling me the names of different composers, but he didn't answer...

He hasn't called me Bach yet.

Why did the Composer marry the Musician?

It was an arranged marriage.

Every time a famous music composer dies...

... he starts decomposing.

A Soviet composer is looking at his notes in Moscow...

... and a soldier oversees the symbols and assumes he's a spy communicating in a form of code. The composer is arrested and brought to the Gulag where he pleads "Please, it's just Tchaikovsky's violin concerto!". Later that day he is brought to an interrogation room and sits down, a Soviet officer w...

I made a belt, entirely composed of watches

It was a waist of time

Why did the composer go to the chiropractor?

Because he had Bach problems

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

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