UPJOKE
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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers, I'm playing Beethoven.

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about a 18th century composer

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

What do you call a germ that composes music?

Bach-teria

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

Bach, the great composer, was having a difficult time writing new music.

With 20 kids in the house, it was hard for him to find quiet time to work.

So he decided to find a quiet place outdoors, and found a small shed in the woods. Unfortunately, it was so far from his home, that by the time he got there and started writing, it was time to go back home for lunch. ...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

Who is the chicken's favorite composer?

Bach.

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Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

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8 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger was sitting in music class. The teacher said that each student would play the role of a famous composer.

One student said "I'll be Beethoven".

Another said "I'll be Mozart".

Yet another student said "I'll be Tchaikovsky".

And Arnold said "I'll be Bach".

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

What was the bar tender's favorite composer?

Phillip Glass

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

**When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”**

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

There was a time where all musicians and composers were broke

It was during the Baroque period.

What is a femboy's favorite composer?

Claude Debussy

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A man walks into a pub in outback Australia and orders a drink

The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. The man says what do I have to do. The barman says there’s three parts to the challenge.

Part 1: you have to drink this entire bottle of 200yr old whiskey and keep standing.

Part 2: there is a 20ft crocodile out the back wi...

What happened when the composer got fired for being too experimental?

He went baroque.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

The checkup

Bob went to a clinic for a checkup.

The nurse asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

\- “In front of you?” He asks, shy.

The nurse says:

\- “Well no, but I’ve seen the human body before.

The man said,

\- “Not one l...

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams. (Don’t hate me.) Edit: corrected word.

This guy said he was going to compose an atheist theme song ....

I suggested, "Don't START believing".

What do you call Chinese cabbage that composes music?

Bach choy.

Did you hear about the composer who took a vow of silence?

His friends called him Mutezart.

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

What does a classical composer use to carry his groceries?

A Chopin cart

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

Apparently Danny Devito is casting a new film about Baroque composers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will be Bach.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

Who is a chickens favourite composer

Johan Sebastian Bock

A man dies and shows up in heaven

When he gets there, he sees an angel sitting down at a desk with a book. "What's your name, and how did you die?" The angel asks. "Rick Thomson, and I fell down my stairs." the man replies.

The angel flips through the book and then looks back up to Rick. "It looks like it isn't your time to d...

Joke about dead Austrian composer

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

T...

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

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The Desert

There is a man making his way across the desert on foot and quickly realizes he is going to need a better mode of transportation. After making his way for a few hours he finally comes across another man who is walking a camel. He asks him if it is for sale and he states that it is, but it is a bit u...

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

So I died and was reincarnated as a composer...

I'm Bach now.

What do a composer and a racist have in common?

They both use slurs

If classical composers of old were alive and listened to some of the music that's popular today, they'd all complain....

Except Beethoven

What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm

(Credit to my girlfriend)

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Kim Jong Un asked a well known North Korean composer to create a piece for him

The composer had many months to find people to play, and to write a piece. Once it was performed on stage, it sounded terrible. The players werent synchronized, and they were all playing the wrong notes. That night the composer was set to be executed.

Before the composer was put in the electr...

What happens to composers when they die?

They decompose.

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

Why did everyone hate the classical composer’s music

Everyone thought he had some sheet music

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

TIL that Hollywood is set to make a biopic about a famous classical composer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the star.

When interviewed about the project, he was quoted as saying "I'll be Bach"

My Friend And I Recently Desecrated A German Composer's Tomb

It was Bach-breaking work, but we got it done.

The lazy composer was a busy man

as he had several scores to settle

i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere...

i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

What do you call a conflict between composers?

A de*bach*le.

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

Steven Spielberg wants to make a movie about famous composers, so he puts out a casting call.

Gary Oldman walks in first and says, "I played Beethoven in *Immortal Beloved*, so I already have experience playing the part."

Tom Hulce calls in next, "I was Mozart in *Amadeus*, and would love to play him again.

Arnold Schwarzenegger meets with him and says, "I'll be Bach."

Bach was a legendary composer with 20 kids.........

I guess that qualifies him as being a freak in the sheets and on the sheets.....

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What do you call a heterosexual music composer?

Straighthoven

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

My friend composes lyrics about sewing machines.

She's a Singer songwriter.

What's a music major frat boy's favorite composer?

Debussy

Why were all the 17th century composers poor?

Because they were baroque a f.

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

What do you get when you cross a Classical German composer with an erupting volcano?

Baklava.

(It came to me in a dream last night. I dunno man..)

What's the difference between JR Smith and a bad music composer?

One of them still knows the score

[Composer Joke] JS Bach died and went to heaven...

After he died, Bach landed at the Pearly Gates where God was waiting. "Bach! hallelujah!" God said: "Our angelic choir is in need of a new oratorio, and with how many songs you've composed, you MUST be the man for the job."

Bach sighed, then said:

"God, I've spent my entire life comp...

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

Why was the Austrian composer so hard to find?

Because he was Haydn.

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I hate when people incorrectly categorize Mozart as a classical composer...

Even though he lived during the Classical Era, he was Baroque as fuck.

What did the composer say about the music at the Super Bowl?

It's in half time.

Every time a famous music composer dies...

... he starts decomposing.

So I phoned my friend to ask him why he's been calling me the names of different composers, but he didn't answer...

He hasn't called me Bach yet.

Why did the Composer marry the Musician?

It was an arranged marriage.

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

Why did the composer go to the chiropractor?

Because he had Bach problems

I made a belt, entirely composed of watches

It was a waist of time

In his prime Mozart was one of the best composers.

But after his death he became a decomposer.

What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

He couldn't finish the last movement.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually a talented composer with a love for classical music!

His newest album is titled, "I'll Be Bach."

What do you call a boy-band composed of stoners?

No Direction.

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