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Latest Jokes

Niece asked me to check out her latest KPOP song

Told her i'm not that into Seoul music.

The latest 23andMe data breach is believed to be perpetrated by the same hacker from the previous breach.

It appears they're related.

Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians?

Probably.

Have you been following the latest BBC scandal?

It's a real Huw-dunnit

Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?

Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.

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The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

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You hear about the latest generic Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin

I had a hard time in the latest verbal brevity competition.

The objective was trying, to say the least.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

My father is a magician and his latest magic trick was amazing!

He disappeared

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So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

Did you hear about Marie Kondo’s latest book on organizing closets?

It’s called Hanger Management

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

Alliance Motors are saying that the latest Range Rover is a Marvel.

DC must be jealous.

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

My latest moneymaking idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

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Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.

"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.

"That's the one!" says the man

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Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Netflix's latest movie.

Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop menstruation . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.



Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

I bought the latest edition of "Reading For Dummies"

The pages were all blank!

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Did you guys hear the latest rumor on butter?

Well.......... I’m not gonna be the one who spreads it!

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A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

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The latest product out is Viagra-infused whisky.

It's for people that need a stiff drink.

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

Latest results from the Star Wars Cup.

OB - 1, R2D - 2

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...

Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

Adding $20 to Trump’s latest stimulus amendment...

...would slightly lessen the sting of the number 2020.

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission?

It was a Riposte.

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

Due to the latest sellouts of toilet paper...

Their company's profit is on a roll

Have you heard about the latest dance craze?

Social Dis-dancing.

I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition.

It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

Donald Trump’s latest strategy to win back the White House is...

...to change his name to Joe Biden

What is the latest in Pirate technology?

The I-patch

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

Did you see the latest fashion trend is adhesive based dresses and suits?

From what I heard they’re a bit tacky.

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Two dumb blondes are chatting about their latest sexual adventures

Blonde 1: Last weekend I had sex with 2 Mexican guys at the same time.

Blonde 2: Oh yeah? Last weekend I had sex with a Brazilian!

Blonde 1: (completely in shock) Holy shit! How many is a Brazillion?

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

At the age of 73, Arnold Schwarzenegger is amazing in the latest Terminator movie.

The only difference is the catch phrase, which has been changed to...."Aaaaarrhh my back."

Apple just came out with its latest product that disgusted everyone.

The I-cup.

I missed the latest episode of Rick & Morty

Boy, do I feel stupid now.

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

Just saw Pixar's latest movie. Not only was it great...

... it was incredible, too.

the latest news from the boston bombing

authorities think it was race related.

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

The latest hipster music craze plays songs at a frequency of 50000 Hz.

You probably never heard of it.

I love the latest version of Firefox

"Now with 85% more RAM usage!"

the latest trend

I hear the latest trend is to install trampolines on cruise ships - apparently everyone's jumping on board

How did people react to the latest happenings in france internationally?

"Notre Damn"

Are glass coffins going to catch on as the latest trend?

Remains to be seen.

Why do Saudi Arabians never catch up with the latest news?

They all live under Iraq

I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

Have you heard the latest trend...

Have you heard the latest trend that's blowin' up the Internet?


It's cyber-terrorism.

Did you hear the latest from Trump?

Of course you didn't, you haven't tapped his phone.

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I feel that Apple fucked up their latest iPhone’s name

It should be rightfully named the iPhone XSpensive Max Price

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

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The latest studies show the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Introducing Dwayne Johnson’s latest rival, The Hard Place!

Don’t get between them.

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

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Caitlyn Jenner just became the latest to expose another sexual harasser.

She is alleging Bruce Jenner groped her about 10 years ago.

Have you heard the name of Chris Brown's latest album?

Chris Brown's Greatest Hits ft. Rihanna

Did you hear about the latest Calvin Klein Lawsuit?

Yeah - but it wasn't much of a suit. It was actually a brief case.

I subscribed to a weekly email about the latest watches...

I now know that’s I’m on somekind of watch list

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

Did you here about the latest new thing to serve salad?

It's just a big fork 'n' spoon!

I went shopping for the latest iPhone.

Unfortunately, the Apple Store had sold out, so I didn't end up 6sful.

I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition

Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC

The latest thing in the world of chickens.

A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the ca...

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch...

Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition

Did you hear about the latest innovation in french tanks?

Rear view mirrors so they can see the battles going on.

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My latest obsession is eating ass. My friend asks me how I've been, and I say

"I've really been down in the dumps"

Did you hear the latest news from black holes?

​Nothing has come out

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

Did you hear what is making the latest headlines?

Corduroy pillows

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

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