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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

WARNING! There is a link being sent around with a message that says "Justin Bieber's Latest Album". DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK!

It will take you to Justin Bieber's latest album.

Did you get a chance to listen to Will Smith's latest album?

Absolutely slaps

I stopped watching the latest Fast & Furious movies, because I find the plot way too predictable...

There is spoiler on every car!

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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You hear about the latest generic Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

Lottery

Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.

" God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.

"God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another month goes by a...

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

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Walking past the Intensive Care Unit, I heard Kanye's latest album blaring over the intercom.

I guess its true, Covid does affect your taste.

(Inspired by: u/FluffyTid)

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

How does Waluigi feel about the latest Smash character reveal?

Honestly…he’s a little Sora ‘bout it.

I’ve just got my latest batch of hemorrhoids medication but I had to call the doctor when I got a bad reaction. He asked ‘where did you apply it?...

On the bus I said.

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

Russia vs NATO

A russian general goes into a coma in December 2021 ans wakes up in March 2022. His assistant is updating him on the latest development:
- General, tov. Putin ordered a special operation against Ukraine, which is actually a war against NATO to establish world dominance in the next 100 years. So f...

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.

I bought the latest edition of "Reading For Dummies"

The pages were all blank!

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

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John was livid that his Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up...

John was livid that his Tickle-me Elmo puppet assembly line was severely backed up.

He picked up the latest Tickle-me Elmo puppet and noticed two fuzzy balls sewed between its legs.

John followed the assembly line to the source of the problem and he saw his new Employee, Sarah, surroun...

My latest manual on evaluating desserts got pulled from stores

Apparently they made pie rating textbooks illegal

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A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his body extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond belief.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down...

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Did you guys hear the latest rumor on butter?

Well.......... I’m not gonna be the one who spreads it!

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

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Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile.

The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is."

"I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

Our company just launched our latest dishwasher on the market,

Luckily, nobody was hurt!

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

I was out on the west coast, trying to sell some guns to a street gang.

The gang member handed me a bag of severed toes with tiny $'s and tiny blue bandanas tied to them. I said "What's this?! No cash?!" He said it was the latest trend "Crip Toe Currency".

After a few months I wanted to buy a stolen sports car, but had no cash. My friend worked at a morgue so he ...

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

Netflix's latest movie.

Netflix have released a powerful new film set in the 18th century about a princess who's cursed by non-stop menstruation . The witch who cursed her says she has before the age of 21 to lift the curse by falling in love.



Honestly, it's a fantastic period drama.

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Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

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A new drink has become the latest craze.

Bars are now serving the Dickens Cider, a popular drink among many women.
It started gaining popularity when someone decided to serve it warm, greatly improving its taste, with posts all over social media about how good it is, one video in particular having a lady drink 2 whole pints in one go!...

A new invention

An inventor walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Let's celebrate!" the inventor tells the bartender. "My latest invention is finally in production and will be on the market soon ... just in time for this crazy cold snap that is coming next week." "What is it?" the bartender asks. "It'...

Donald Trump’s latest strategy to win back the White House is...

...to change his name to Joe Biden

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Did you see the latest fashion trend is adhesive based dresses and suits?

From what I heard they’re a bit tacky.

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Four girls sign up for to take the latest career aptitude test.

The examiner tells them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!"

"Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor."

The other three girls examine ...

Did you hear the latest joke about Baltimore?

It's a riot

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The latest product out is Viagra-infused whisky.

It's for people that need a stiff drink.

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

Latest results from the Star Wars Cup.

OB - 1, R2D - 2

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Papal Ailment

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope...

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

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The latest studies show the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

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Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.

"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.

"That's the one!" says the man

I just visited Ukraine's latest tourist attraction, Chernobyl.

I give it four thumbs up!

Have you heard the latest joke about statisticians?

Probably.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

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I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

Due to the latest sellouts of toilet paper...

Their company's profit is on a roll

Did you hear the latest Microsoft Office update can cure depression?

It gives you an improved Outlook

Have you heard about the latest dance craze?

Social Dis-dancing.

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Medical joke...

I work in medicine and I've been getting a lot of emails and messages about counterfeit drugs coming into America. Apparently some medications are being sold in America that were made in backwoods factories and third world countries. The latest message I got from the FDA was to be on the lookout f...

Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?

he was developing latest hedge cutting technology

Apple just came out with its latest product that disgusted everyone.

The I-cup.

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The latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research.

This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

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The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

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Two dumb blondes are chatting about their latest sexual adventures

Blonde 1: Last weekend I had sex with 2 Mexican guys at the same time.

Blonde 2: Oh yeah? Last weekend I had sex with a Brazilian!

Blonde 1: (completely in shock) Holy shit! How many is a Brazillion?

The latest hipster music craze plays songs at a frequency of 50000 Hz.

You probably never heard of it.

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What is the latest in Pirate technology?

The I-patch

House Call

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listene...

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

Why did the fencer downvote my latest submission?

It was a Riposte.

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My latest obsession is eating ass. My friend asks me how I've been, and I say

"I've really been down in the dumps"

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I feel that Apple fucked up their latest iPhone’s name

It should be rightfully named the iPhone XSpensive Max Price

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction.

She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said..

"It's not coming up!"...

I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

Are glass coffins going to catch on as the latest trend?

Remains to be seen.

Just saw Pixar's latest movie. Not only was it great...

... it was incredible, too.

I missed the latest episode of Rick & Morty

Boy, do I feel stupid now.

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Roomba

I'm told the latest model of Roombas has failed to impress customers. It just sits gathering dust on the shelves..

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...

Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...

"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.

How did people react to the latest happenings in france internationally?

"Notre Damn"

My best friend isn’t on reddit so I sent him an email with my latest post to r/jokes, subject: “Post for that sweet karma”. His response,

Re: post for that sweet karma

Why do Saudi Arabians never catch up with the latest news?

They all live under Iraq

I bought 2 Chainz' latest album, but it was the censored edition.

It's easily one of the best instrumental CDs I've heard in a long time.

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.
...

I'm worried that no-one has approached me with the latest internet "challenge".

I guess I have MOMO FOMO.

Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits

They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.

Using the latest animated film to potty train my son...

How to drain your dragon.

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Caitlyn Jenner just became the latest to expose another sexual harasser.

She is alleging Bruce Jenner groped her about 10 years ago.

A scientist is at a panel, discussing the results of his latest study.

He mentions, "You know, without the right context, my findings are absolutely meaningless."

Later on the news...

"On the headlines today, a world-renowned scientist has claimed his findings are absolutely meaningless."

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

TIL There are actually 5 movies in the Highlander movie series, the latest of which was made in 2007. But nobody talks about the 4 sequels because

There can only be one.

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

Have you heard the name of Chris Brown's latest album?

Chris Brown's Greatest Hits ft. Rihanna

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

As an amateur dermatologist detective this latest case has me stumped...

I'm not too worried though alopecia it all together in the end.

They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch...

Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition

the latest news from the boston bombing

authorities think it was race related.

Did you hear about the latest Calvin Klein Lawsuit?

Yeah - but it wasn't much of a suit. It was actually a brief case.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

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Three race horses are sitting round a bar table and discussing their latest wins.

The first horse boasts that he's won 6 of his last 10 races. The second horse immediately puts down his achievement by telling the group he's won 11 of his last 15 races. "That's nothing!" Interrupts the third horse. "I've won 24 of my last 30 races!"

Now the other two have nothing to say to...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

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