Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Just in case she needed to draw blood!

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

I was a magician in Europe who specialised in doing magic with pens. In England, Germany, France, Hungary, Portugal and many other places I was adored by the people. But when I got to Spain no-one liked me.

I guess nobody expects the Spanish ink wizard shun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription

and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

It’s been more than a week, but my wife is still mad at me for accidentally putting superglue on her pen.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

what do you say when you have an empty pen?

"This Bic empty, YEET"

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

Do you have a pen?

So I was at the bar the other night and I saw this fat lady eying me up. After a while she comes up to me and says do you have a number cutie? I ask do you have a pen? With a wink she says sure do, and starts digging in her purse. Well, you need to get back in it before the farmer notices you’re mis...

What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen,is it yours" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "yes it is" Paddy asks, How do you know?

Mick replies,
"That's my handwriting"

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens...

Also I'm not allowed in Argos anymore.

I can use pens, but pencils?

That’s where I draw the line.

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

Two bulls were in a field when a new cow was released from the pen.

"Who is the new cow?" Asked one.

"Never seen herbivore." Said the other.

The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."

One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"

"It was me, goodbye."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

A pen and paper were arguing

In the middle of the fight the paper lays flat and says, “You know what, you write.”

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone asks for a pen....

The nurse checks her front pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and thinks to herself “some assholes got my pen”.

I saw this guy scribbling on a poor dog with a marker pen.

It was a Sharpei.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

A Uniball

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

Have you ever heard the joke about pen and paper?

That joke wrote itself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get b...

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best joke in the..

**World:**
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What ...

No one really expected my world language teacher to be so good at writing with a felt pen...

No one expects the Spanish Ink -precision

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"

Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

I don't mind owning a .4mm pen.

I think it's fine.

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

Highlighter pens are the future...

Mark my words

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

Where do pens and pencils go on vacation?

Pennsylvania

What does a pig fill in it's pen?

Oink

I'm sorry.

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my doctor in the bank.

When he went to sign his check, he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. He looked up and said, "Damn! Some asshole's got my pen.

:)

Oldie But Goldie - Don't Lose Your Pen!

* Lost your pen = no pen
* No pen = no notes
* No notes = no study
* No study = fail school
* Fail school = no diploma
* No diploma = no work
* No work = no money
* No money = no food
* No food = skinny
* Skinny = ugly
* Ugly = no love
* No love = no marriage
* No...

Le Pen honored an age old French tradition.

Losing.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Few more:

* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
...

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.

​

As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

Do you have an extra pen?

During an exam.

Girl. Nope

2 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. I said no leave me alone.

5 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. If you ask one more time I will smash your head a hammer.

10 minutes later.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.

When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another wor...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

Why did Obama take all the pencils and pens when he left?

Cuz he knew Trump would bring his own Pence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space.

Russia putin a pencil.

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?

You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Did you hear that if you put Free Range animals in a pen, they murder each other?

They become deranged.

Why do we use black pens on white paper?

So hangman is more realistic.