Why don't pens and pencils walk around?

Because they're stationary

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

I have an EpiPen...

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis is the same length as 2 Argos pens...

Also I'm not allowed in Argos anymore.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

I can use pens, but pencils?

That’s where I draw the line.

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen,is it yours" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "yes it is" Paddy asks, How do you know?

Mick replies,
"That's my handwriting"

What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription

and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

Two bulls were in a field when a new cow was released from the pen.

"Who is the new cow?" Asked one.

"Never seen herbivore." Said the other.

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She can’t seem to let it go.

I let a kid in my neighborhood use my vape pen

I was later arrested for child vape

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

I found a street that was made of coloured pens.

I guess you could call it a yellow Bic road.

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blod

The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."

One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"

"It was me, goodbye."

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Someone asks for a pen....

The nurse checks her front pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and thinks to herself “some assholes got my pen”.

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

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[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

- What the hell did she mean?

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

A Uniball

A pen and paper were arguing

In the middle of the fight the paper lays flat and says, “You know what, you write.”

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

No one really expected my world language teacher to be so good at writing with a felt pen...

No one expects the Spanish Ink -precision

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best joke in the..

**World:**
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What ...

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

Have you ever heard the joke about pen and paper?

That joke wrote itself.

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"

Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

I don't mind owning a .4mm pen.

I think it's fine.

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get b...

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

Oldie But Goldie - Don't Lose Your Pen!

* Lost your pen = no pen
* No pen = no notes
* No notes = no study
* No study = fail school
* Fail school = no diploma
* No diploma = no work
* No work = no money
* No money = no food
* No food = skinny
* Skinny = ugly
* Ugly = no love
* No love = no marriage
* No...

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Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

Where do pens and pencils go on vacation?

Pennsylvania

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

What does a pig fill in it's pen?

Oink

I'm sorry.

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor...

...was called to the front desk to sign some papers. He pulls out a rectal thermometer from his pocket and exclaimed; "Some asshole has my pen!"

Le Pen honored an age old French tradition.

Losing.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job...

...but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Few more:

* I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

* I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

* My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
...

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

Do you have an extra pen?

During an exam.

Girl. Nope

2 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. I said no leave me alone.

5 minutes later.

Guy. Do you have an extra pen?

Girl. If you ask one more time I will smash your head a hammer.

10 minutes later.

...

Highlighter pens are the future...

Mark my words

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

Marine Le Pen, recount the vote!

I do not trust Arabic numbers, use Roman numerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

Did you hear about Le Pen's presidential campaign?

[removed]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Why did Obama take all the pencils and pens when he left?

Cuz he knew Trump would bring his own Pence

NASA spent 1.5mil on a pen that works in space.

Russia putin a pencil.

What’s the difference between a paycheck and a pen*s?

You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good nurse always carries a pen

A nurse was walking the ward when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her shirt pocket. "Some arsehole has my pen", she muttered to herself.

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying

But I can't get it to sign my name to save my life either

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper...

After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results.

The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper.

“How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

Why do we use black pens on white paper?

So hangman is more realistic.

A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen.

Only God knows what the other one does with it.

A farmer's cattle broke out of their pen and got into the marijuana plants he was growing.

The steaks were really high.