UPJOKE
inkquillwriteballpoint penfountain penwritingdrawingpapernibparagraphpencilmarker penlatinhighlighterenclosure

Pen Jokes

What's the difference between a pen and life

Pen has a point.

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

My friend gave me her Epi–Pen as she was dying.

I held her hand and took it.


I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.

I have a pen that can write underwater

It can write other words too

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking near a cattle pen when my friend said "Look, there's chocolate on the floor!"

It was bullshit

My wife,Rose,is leaving me because of my obsession with pens

Biros

I needed to pick up paper, pens, and envelopes from the store, but I had no gas in my car so...

...I rode my stationery bike.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that doesn't exist?

A fallacy.

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

Three men stand before a judge.

What crime did you commit?” He asks the first one.

“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, “he replies.

“That doesn’t sound so bad. “ the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, “What crime did you commit?”


“I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at...

I bought some fancy pens at a nudist art shop.

Felt tips?

No, but I cupped some balls.

My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying…

…it must’ve been really important to him for me to have it

A stuttering boy wanted to buy a pen.

So he went to the shop and said
Boy: Do u have a p...p..pe...pe...pen?
Shopkeeper: We have a pen, but not so long one.
.
.
I am bad at english, but hope u guys enjoy this :)

I’d been trying to get the lid of my pen for hours...

Nothing I was trying was working.

Then it clicked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I got my penis cut off the other day…

Could’ve sworn y’all said it was mightier than the sword and whatnot.

What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?

Pen-nay (penne)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do trees poop?

Of course. How do we get number 2 pencils then

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:





A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

An Oil Prospector Died and went to Heaven

And St. Peter said, "Well, I checked you out, and you meet all of the qualifications. But there’s one problem."

"We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over in that pen. And as you can see, it is absolutely chock-full. There is no room for you.’"
...

The Dragon's Tail

A Dragon is rampaging through a kingdom. The king recruits the bravest knight in all the land to slay it, and bring back its tail. The knight rides off on his horse, and stops at a monastery on the way to the dragon's cave. The knight explained to one of the monks about his quest, and together they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

I asked my pen why it never moves.

It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"

Bought a new pen yesterday

But I took it back today. I told the clerk I wasn’t happy with it because it was always aimed at my zipper. The clerk said that’s normal it’s a ballpoint.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

The chemistry final exams

A chemistry student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did your finals go?" the bartender asks. "Not so hot," the student replies. "The instructor asked my class to write 1000 words on acid. Unfortunately, I was unable to complete it as my pen turned to a gorilla and the floor melted."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor

A busy doctor is reading a chart by a patient.

The nurse says, “Doctor, you really should not carry a thermometer behind your ear like that.


The doctor takes the thermometer, frowns and says, “Darn! Some asshole has my pen”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Newfoundlander shows up for a job interview in the middle of Alberta.

The foreman can tell right away by how he talks and thinks to himself, "Oh no, I don't want to hire a Newfoundlander.." so he comes up with an idea on the spot;

"Before I hire you, I want to see if you can pass a quick cognitive test. I'll give you a pen and paper, and you try to abstractly d...

Why did Shakespeare only write using pens?

Because pencils confused him. 2B or not 2B.

The Pen..

‪Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” ‬

‪Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” ‬

‪Mike asks, “How do you know?” ‬

‪Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”. ‬

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.

A rookie cop is at an intersection.

While he’s at the red light, he sees a street sign that reads: “WATCH FOR PEDESTRIANS”

A few seconds later he notices a lady walking across the street along the zebra crossing. He honks his horn to stop her, rolls down his window and asks: “Ma’am, are you a pedestrian?”

The woman, conf...

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

A guy walks into a sheep pen,

"Hey, where's the baa-tender ?!"

Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

What do you call an heirloom vape pen?

A family Juul

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

My Friend asked me about my EpiPen

"Why is there an EpiPen mounted on your wall?" My friend asked while visiting

"This is a memory to my best friend. We were eating dinner at a restaurant when after taking a few bites he suddenly grabbed his throat. He kept gasping for air and when he started turning blue I knew these were his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor was walking down the hospital corridor.....

and stopped to speak to the head nurse.
“Oh doctor,” she said, “you've got your thermometer stuck behind your ear.”
“Shit!” cried the doctor. “Some asshole has my pen!”

I ordered a pen with an eraser on both sides

It was pointless

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

Why did the Amazon worker use a pen

To check all the boxes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

A shepherd looks over at his flock of sheep in the pasture.

The day is ending soon, and he has to herd the sheep into their pen for the night. The shepherd calls for his trusty sheepdog and asks it to get the job done.

"Right away, sir," says the sheepdog.

10 minutes later, and the shepherd glances out his window to see the sheep safely in thei...

Boy to farmer

"Mr. Famer, why do you call your Pig INK?"
Mr Farmer says "because I keep him in a pen."

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the zoo today, but all of the animal pens were completely empty except for a single enclosure that had one little dog in it.

It was a shitzu.

What's ironic about having a left handed pen

It's for righting.

My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forg...

Religious

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is a DEA

Raid on this old man's farm. They are there just tearing everything apart looking everywhere. The farmer noticed an agent heading towards a particular pen and he wants the agent not to go in the. The agent being a prick and on a power trip pulls out his badge and says "you see this? This means I can...

Boss asked me to buy counterfeit detector pens...

I said I’ll just get the real ones.

Works

A man sits in a restaurant and finishes his meal. He asks for the bill.

The waiter hands him the bill, the man eyes the bill, and notices that along with his meal, he was also billed $5 for an item that's just called "works". The man doesn't remember ordering anything called "works", and he d...

Hey girl, are you a ballpoint pen?

Because I want to use you once and lose you forever

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

Dave: [banging a pen on the table out of frustration]

Lady Boss: stop that, how would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?

Dave: I-

Dave: I don’t know the correct answer to that question...

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

I bought a surprisingly good pen in Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

I've never, in my life, lost a pen and I can prove it.

I've got a box where I keep my lost pens and it's empty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad doctor

This doctor was horrible.

Sense of hygiene was DISGUSTING.

He would keep all the thermometers and pens in his same from pocket.

A package arrived for him to sign for reached up for a pen to use and has only thermometers in his pocket.

Doctor say "damn that bum took my p...

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

What's it called when a bunch of chickens work together to overthrow the king of their pen?

A co-op coop coupe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

I was taught in my Journalism class that "Pen is mightier than Sword" and I believed it

But after watching John Wick, I realized it's "Pencil that's mightier than the Sword"

The worst part about shock pens...

They don't even write!

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

Someone stole my pen today.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

How would you rename the Incredibles movie if everyone in the movie was a pen?

The Inkredibles

I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it me as he was choking to death, it seems it was really important to him that I'd hold onto it after he died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"

Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

Hotel bill

Jack checks out of his hotel after 3 nights, but can't believe the size of the bill. "Why so much?"
Manager: "It's not just the luxury bedroom, we also provided you with a swimming pool, gym, games room..."
Jack: "But I didn't use any of those!"
Manager: "Maybe, but you could have!"
Ja...

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She can’t seem to let it go.

I bought a fountain pen

every time I try to use it a load of water squirts out.

Have you heard of the pen paradox?

Have you heard of the pen paradox?


It doesn't matter how fast it's moving it'll still be stationery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

Do you have a pen?

So I was at the bar the other night and I saw this fat lady eying me up. After a while she comes up to me and says do you have a number cutie? I ask do you have a pen? With a wink she says sure do, and starts digging in her purse. Well, you need to get back in it before the farmer notices you’re mis...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.