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Pen Jokes

What's the difference between a pen and life

Pen has a point.

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking near a cattle pen when my friend said "Look, there's chocolate on the floor!"

It was bullshit

I’d been trying to get the lid of my pen for hours...

Nothing I was trying was working.

Then it clicked.

I asked my pen why it never moves.

It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

The Pen..

‪Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” ‬

‪Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” ‬

‪Mike asks, “How do you know?” ‬

‪Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”. ‬

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

A guy that I went to school with over 30 years ago called me to complain about the time I put glue on his pen

He still can't let it go.

I invented a pen that can write underwater

And it writes a lot of other words, too!

Why did the nurse need a red pen?

In case she needed to draw blood.

A man had pen-pals all across the Caribbean.

He had one friend in in Cuba and many all across Jamaica. One day the Cuban is traveling abroad near the man's home and asks if he can stop by for dinner while he's there. The man thinks this is a fantastic idea and starts cooking when his roommate walks in.
"Hey, what's up?"
"One of my pen-pa...

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do." I said, “ Well, you better get b...

I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

What do you call a communist dry erase pen?

Marks-ist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

Bought a new pen yesterday

But I took it back today. I told the clerk I wasn’t happy with it because it was always aimed at my zipper. The clerk said that’s normal it’s a ballpoint.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

A stuttering boy wanted to buy a pen.

So he went to the shop and said
Boy: Do u have a p...p..pe...pe...pen?
Shopkeeper: We have a pen, but not so long one.
.
.
I am bad at english, but hope u guys enjoy this :)

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

What do you call an heirloom vape pen?

A family Juul

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

A guy walks into a sheep pen,

"Hey, where's the baa-tender ?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

My Friend asked me about my EpiPen

"Why is there an EpiPen mounted on your wall?" My friend asked while visiting

"This is a memory to my best friend. We were eating dinner at a restaurant when after taking a few bites he suddenly grabbed his throat. He kept gasping for air and when he started turning blue I knew these were his...

I ordered a pen with an eraser on both sides

It was pointless

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

The pen and the pencil

What’s the difference between a pen and a pencil?

The pen only lived up to half the name.

I’ll be here all night everyone!

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"

Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

What's ironic about having a left handed pen

It's for righting.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Dave: [banging a pen on the table out of frustration]

Lady Boss: stop that, how would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?

Dave: I-

Dave: I don’t know the correct answer to that question...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over ...

Have you heard of the pen paradox?

Have you heard of the pen paradox?


It doesn't matter how fast it's moving it'll still be stationery.

Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns?

The joke writes itself

I bought a surprisingly good pen in Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I've never, in my life, lost a pen and I can prove it.

I've got a box where I keep my lost pens and it's empty.

What do you call a pen that has run out of ink?

a has-pen

What's it called when a bunch of chickens work together to overthrow the king of their pen?

A co-op coop coupe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pen is...

A teacher was wrapping up class for the day and started talking about the big final exam tomorrow.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition, natural disaster or an immediate family member's death.

To the delight of the whole class...

I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it me as he was choking to death, it seems it was really important to him that I'd hold onto it after he died.

Hey girl, are you a ballpoint pen?

Because I want to use you once and lose you forever

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

Why couldn't the pen cross the road?

Because it was stationery

I'm writing a horror movie script about a sentient pen and it's going really well so far

It's practically writing itself

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

An Ethiopian fell into an alligator pen at San Diego zoo

He ate 5 before they could get him out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She can’t seem to let it go.

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

Someone stole my pen today.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

I showed my friends a pen cannon I made in maths class,

My teacher called it a weapon of math disruption

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asks for a pen....

The nurse checks her front pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and thinks to herself “some assholes got my pen”.

I saw this guy scribbling on a poor dog with a marker pen.

It was a Sharpei.

What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?

A Uniball

A pen and paper were arguing

In the middle of the fight the paper lays flat and says, “You know what, you write.”

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors pen

While writing a prescription a Doctor notices he has an anal thermometer in place of his pen. When the patient notices and mentions it the doctor replies " I guess some asshole got my pen".

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

I let a kid in my neighborhood use my vape pen

I was later arrested for child vape

The pen is not mightier than the sword.

But if the pen is long and sharp, it may be a draw.

Do you have a pen?

So I was at the bar the other night and I saw this fat lady eying me up. After a while she comes up to me and says do you have a number cutie? I ask do you have a pen? With a wink she says sure do, and starts digging in her purse. Well, you need to get back in it before the farmer notices you’re mis...

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