Respect for a joke not well received as a comment, bon appetit!

Me:"Waiter, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"Whats wrong with the soup?"

Me:"Sir, would you mind please, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"The soup is too hot?!"

Me:"No, but taste the soup"

Waiter:"Whats rhe matter, soup too cold?!"

Me:"Sir, just taste the soup"

Waite...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, "do you have the wifi password"? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, "Respect the dead"!

The smartphone user replies, "all lowercase"?

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have lots of respect for sex workers

I always give them a big tip

I just really hate how some people just don’t respect us left handed people.

It just isn’t right

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

I treat my daughters with respect. I knocked on the youngest one's door and asked "can I come in?"

"I don't know, can you?"

I'm so proud.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Respect is a two way street

if you're on foot, you're pretty much fucked

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

What do you get when you differentiate Amazon with respect to x?

Amazon Prime.

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm a gynecologist.

Women command respect and no one should ever say "you're such a b$&@#"...

instead try "you're not usually so b$&#@y!"

Respect for the fallen

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Italian Respect

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian nursing home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

“How do you like it here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I respect men with multiple children.

But they're pretty much all motherfuckers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

EA AMA: "We have a lot of respect and admiration for the players. We are sorry for the feelings they describe carrying with them these days."

Also, we choose now to live as gay men.

Neighbour pased away last week. My friend and I went to a gathering held by the family of the deceased lady, to share our condolences. After a while standing, my friend whispers "what is the WiFi password?". I give her a severe look: "Have some respect, we're at a funeral!!!"

"With no spaces?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I only have sex with people I respect.

That's why I don't masturbate.

Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.

Hey, what is the wifi password?

A sad relative said:

Respect the dead!

And the boy asked:

All in lowercase?

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

I have no respect for mules.

Everything they do is half-assed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him

I owe him my life. Last year August, i had been in a coma for 6 months. Then one day my nurse turned on the radio to his songs. So i woke up and turned it off..

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

Dog asks cat, "We sorta look similar, have four legs and are both furry, you even are a bit smaller. Why in the hell do you have so much respect but I don't?"

Cat: "You 'bow' while me 'owe'."

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

Respect

If you use the term "respectively" respectfully or you use the term "respectively" disrespectfully, I have a lot of respect for you and I disrespect you, respectively.

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Respect and Blowjobs

A girl and boy meet in high school and fall in love. They do everything together and eventually lose their virginity to one another, but the girl refuses to give him a blowjob. "I'm sorry," she says. "I love you so much and I'd do anything else in the world for you, but I'm afraid you'd lose resp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I respect my wife

One day, a man interviews a 90 year old couple who have been married for 70 years. During the entire interview, the man is always constantly respectful of his wife. He does whatever she says without a hint of complaint. The reporter asks, "How is it possible you are still happily married after so lo...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

My girlfriend said I didn't respect her freedom enough

So I told her to stop rattling in her cage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

Hexadecimal is dying.

Press 15 to pay respects.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

Ole and Sven are fishing near a bridge.

They had been there for a while with bites. Then a funeral precession starts to go over the bridge. Ole stands up and takes off his hat until it passes.

"Wow Ole I didn't know you had so much respect for the dead." Sven says.

"Well I should. I was married to her for 30 years."

The Pope & Mr. Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
<...

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

A man is walking in the desert in Saudi Arabia.

As he's walking, a local man on a camel begins to come into view. The tourist turned and could see that a woman was walking behind the local man on the camel. The tourist asked the man:

"Who is that?"

"That is my wife," he replied.

"Wouldn't it be kinder to let her ride the came...

Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

&#x200B;

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple gets married....

....and on their honeymoon, the young man asks his bride for a blow job. She refuses, saying "I'm afraid if I do that you won't respect me anymore". The husband assures her he would always respect her but she refuses.

Every year, on their anniversary the man makes the same request and the w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

Stop being so mean to PETA.

Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jew is lying in the hospital, slowly drifting towards the inevitable end...

He feels himself getting weaker and weaker, and summons a nurse.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Schwartz?”

“I want you get me a priest!”

“Uhh... yes, you mean a rabbi?”

“No! A priest! Get me a Catholic priest!”

The nurse goes off and finds the hospital priest, who co...

Yo mamma so poor...

when she went to a funeral, she couldn’t even pay respects.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock

A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I di...

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

Six retired Jewish Gents were playing poker....

Six retired Jewish gents were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks arou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope and Folgers coffee

Folgers manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our d...

I'm getting real tired of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

I mean, I get it: they both appeal to the radical far right Uber-nationalists and blame problems on minority groups but whatever, it's getting out of hand. Grow up and show some damn respect!Hitler at least actively served in the military and didn't get a deferment.

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

A Hippo wants to join the local hippo gang

While speaking with the gang leader he's told in order to join the gang he must have respect for his brothers and impeccable manners.
He nods his head and let's the leader know he was raised in a noble, high class family. These things came easy to him.

The hippo struts out of the leaders r...

There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve...

I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today

Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

To all my LIBERAL Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the ...

Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.


They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police fin...

During class, I told my teacher that my grandfather had died.

She gave me an F on my quiz to pay respects

A poetic version of "you are not a monk" joke

He sat and sighed beside the road -
His engine's gasket blown.
His car was old and cold and towed.
The man was left alone.
'I need to find a place to stay
Until it's fixed,' he spoke -
But as he rose to walk away
Arrived a band of folk.
They said: 'You're warm...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and woman were married for years...

...even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: **“When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.

Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I wi...

There was once this very pious man

He went to church every day to pray, ever since he was 5.

At 30 years old, he's been praying for the same thing for the past decade. All he wanted was a son. His life would finally be complete; all he needed was a son.

At the age of 35, the man began giving up. The priest in charge of ...

I hate the blacks.

#I have an absolute hatred for blacks.

They've contributed *nothing* to our society as a whole, and our lives would be **that** much better without them, becoming the general idea of a nuisance whenever I come across one.

If I were to take a small sample containing even 1 black, it wo...

A young man meets an old man on the golf course...

They play a few holes together and get to the 5th green which sits right next to a road. As the old guy is about to hit his putt a funeral procession slowly drives by.

The old man steps away from his ball, takes off his hat and lowers his head for a moment.

Then he steps back up to hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls his secretary...

A man calls his secretary, but the call goes to his boss instead. The man says “Hey! Get ur lazy ass up and bring me a damn coffee!” The boss, a firm believer in respect in the workplace, is outraged! She says “Listen here, sir! I am the manager of this company! Furthermore, I own this entire buildi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Peach = Butt

A mother was teaching her two home school kids so she drew a peach on the board and asked them what it was, they both said butt, she was furious and kept asking and getting the same answer, she called their dad and told him that the kids are being disrespectful, the dad said “ You have to respect yo...

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, ...

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very ni...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old catholic irishman is lying on his deathbed.

He was strict in his religion and firm in his believe for his whole life, cursing the protestants and calvinists with every day he lived. But now, as he is surrounded by his 8 sons and 22 Grandchildren, waiting with him through these last hours, he beckons one of them closer.

"Bobby," he whis...

Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most price...

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming.

My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'

I tell ya I get no respect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The difference between lustful men and women.

A woman asks a man, "Why is it that if a man sleeps around, he's considered a player and gets respect, but if a women sleeps around, she's a whore?"

The man replies, "A lock that can be opened by any key is a very bad lock, but a key that can open any lock is considered a master key".

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
&nbsp;

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn’t kn...

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing tha...