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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

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Have some respect!

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

They say respect elders. They say respect women.

*_starts dissing little boys at the park_ *

Last Respects

At a motivational seminar, 3 men were volunteered to come up to the stage and were asked the same question,"When you are in your casket, and your loved ones are mourning,what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The 1st man said," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor...

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect.

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH...

Respect for a joke not well received as a comment, bon appetit!

Me:"Waiter, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"Whats wrong with the soup?"

Me:"Sir, would you mind please, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"The soup is too hot?!"

Me:"No, but taste the soup"

Waiter:"Whats rhe matter, soup too cold?!"

Me:"Sir, just taste the soup"

Waite...

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I respect people of all kinds

But I believe hermaphrodites can fuck themselves.

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

I have no respect for invertebrates...

They are so spineless.

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Paying Respects

Two construction workers, Bill and Andy, were doing some maintenance on the side of the road when a funeral procession approached. Bill ceased working, laid down his shovel, removed his hardhat and looked on solemnly as the hearse passed by. Andy took notice and said "That's real kind of you Bill,...

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I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

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I respect those participating in Ramadan. No way could I go thirty days without sex.

Unless my girlfriend is home.

My wife does'nt think I respect her privacy enough.

Atleast that's what it says in her diary.

No Respect

A manager of a company used to boss around. He often nagged at his staff members and insisted that they should show him more respect.

One morning, he brought a sign that read" I AM THE BOSS" and hung it on his office door.

Later, he returned after his lunch break only to find a taped n...

No Respect

My doctor said "Stop eating anything fatty."

I said "What? No bacon, no chips?"

He said "No fatty, stop eating anything."

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, "do you have the wifi password"? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, "Respect the dead"!

The smartphone user replies, "all lowercase"?

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Why should you respect pornstars more than structural engineers?

Most pornstars I've seen are better at handling distributed loads.

I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with.

It's a missed Opportunity.

What do you get when you differentiate Amazon with respect to x?

Amazon Prime.

I respect a person who socializes with others by playing Magic: The Gathering.

They're a mana culture.

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I have lots of respect for sex workers

I always give them a big tip

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm a gynecologist.

I treat my daughters with respect. I knocked on the youngest one's door and asked "can I come in?"

"I don't know, can you?"

I'm so proud.

Neighbour pased away last week. My friend and I went to a gathering held by the family of the deceased lady, to share our condolences. After a while standing, my friend whispers "what is the WiFi password?". I give her a severe look: "Have some respect, we're at a funeral!!!"

"With no spaces?"

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Women command respect and no one should ever say "you're such a b$&@#"...

instead try "you're not usually so b$&#@y!"

Respect for the fallen

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

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I respect men with multiple children.

But they're pretty much all motherfuckers.

I don't get no respect.

Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.

What do you call a person who does not respect your privacy?

A Zuckerberg

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

Always marginalised and discriminated against in favour of their blue counterparts, it's about time we started treating them with the respect they deserve.

Black Levi's Matter.

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I only have sex with people I respect.

That's why I don't masturbate.

Tree house builders get no respect...

I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

I highly respect microscopes

they teach us to enjoy the little things in life.

Respect the dead

A young man went to a funeral. While being there he noticed that the church had a wireless network.

Hey, what is the wifi password?

A sad relative said:

Respect the dead!

And the boy asked:

All in lowercase?

I have no respect for mules.

Everything they do is half-assed.

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him

I owe him my life. Last year August, i had been in a coma for 6 months. Then one day my nurse turned on the radio to his songs. So i woke up and turned it off..

Respect

If you use the term "respectively" respectfully or you use the term "respectively" disrespectfully, I have a lot of respect for you and I disrespect you, respectively.

Why do Muslims respect Quora users?

'cause they're Quorans.

As a mark of respect to Prince...

The local pub is putting on a wake tomorrow night. All you can eat and drink for under 20 quid.

I for one intend to party like it's £19.99.

We really need to respect organ donors...

It takes guts to do what they do! (I'm sorry)

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A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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I respect the Secret Service

They are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot.

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Respect and Blowjobs

A girl and boy meet in high school and fall in love. They do everything together and eventually lose their virginity to one another, but the girl refuses to give him a blowjob. "I'm sorry," she says. "I love you so much and I'd do anything else in the world for you, but I'm afraid you'd lose resp...

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What's the difference between Hitler and logan paul?

Hitler at least had some respect for the Japanese, and knew when to kill himself.

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I respect my wife

One day, a man interviews a 90 year old couple who have been married for 70 years. During the entire interview, the man is always constantly respectful of his wife. He does whatever she says without a hint of complaint. The reporter asks, "How is it possible you are still happily married after so lo...

2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the othe...

Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman cont...

My girlfriend said I didn't respect her freedom enough

So I told her to stop rattling in her cage

A bully was caught by his teacher for picking on another kid. It went like this...

Teacher: Have some respect for other students.

Bully: Why? He’s stupid!

Teacher: No, he’s a very smart kid and he deserves more respect from you.

Student: Yeah!

Bully: I refuse to. He’s stupid and worthless.

Teacher: He’s a very kind and great kid.

Bully: I’...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

A dog walked into the bar

I forget the rest of the story, but your mom is a nice lady and everyone respects her.

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assbook

Where you can shit on your friend’s wall or piss on your own wall. If you are impressed you can lick it or dislick it.
You can even share the shit with your friend and family and tag them.

**assbook**
For assholes.

Disclaimer
We respect your shit privacy , we don’t sha...

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

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A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the tell...

As a mark of respect to Lou Reed

I have had his initials inscribed on my headphones.

-Daft Limmy

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I was raised to

I was raised to treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO.



So I said, "Fuck Off" to my Boss.

Treat your phone like you treat your child

With respect

What did the band students do when their teacher died?

They played F to pay respects.

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

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[NSFW] A retired polish porn star moves to America with his family.

He eventually gets to old to live by himself during the days no one is there so they find him a home. His son asked him, "how are they treating you, are you enjoying it?"

"Yes!" He replied, "They treat everyone here with much respect! Tom down the hall was a doctor and they still call him Dr...

My Dad’s my Mum

A few days ago my dad (I guess mum now) came out as a woman, so she identifies as a trans female now. I couldn’t be happier for her but it’s really taken a strain on our relationship, like she’s know for a long time but just didn’t trust that anyone would respect her decision. Only recently has she ...

I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

I identify as Giantkin.

My pronouns are Phe/Phi/Pho/Phum and i'd like you to respect them please.

It is ramadan...

...now i have religious reasons to be broke and starving.

Note: reposting this as a mark of respect for all those who are practicing it.

Everyone wants to write jokes about Alabama

But no one in Alabama will ever read them.

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

Hexadecimal is dying.

Press 15 to pay respects.

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If you ask a Homosexual person about their orientation...

You won't get a *Straight* answer.

(I'll see myself out.)

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

The Pope plays golf

he Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. 

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." 
<...

Next time you say Michelangelos statues suck just remember

>he had to go into the Nether to get all the quartz to make it. Have some respect for hard work.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

Ole and Sven are fishing near a bridge.

They had been there for a while with bites. Then a funeral precession starts to go over the bridge. Ole stands up and takes off his hat until it passes.

"Wow Ole I didn't know you had so much respect for the dead." Sven says.

"Well I should. I was married to her for 30 years."

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Fruit Basket

A man takes his girlfriend on a weekend getaway to a beach resort. They check in and the concierge takes them up to show them their lavish suite. He points out the huge fruit basket filled with goodies as they enter, The suite has great views of the ocean, a jacuzzi etc etc... They tip the concierge...

A man is walking in the desert in Saudi Arabia.

As he's walking, a local man on a camel begins to come into view. The tourist turned and could see that a woman was walking behind the local man on the camel. The tourist asked the man:

"Who is that?"

"That is my wife," he replied.

"Wouldn't it be kinder to let her ride the came...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,

“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...”

“Well, all right, three times...”

“Three, hmmm. When were they?”...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

3 politicians are planning a gala

Harry Anand, George Bush, and Arnold Schwarzenegger decide that the gala should be a costumed event, but gave difficulty agreeing on the theme.

Eventually, Harry suggests they go as a figure for their heritage whom they respect and admire.

Arnold thinks this is a great idea, and George...

A man walks through the African wild lands and sees an elephant in distress.

He goes close to it but slowly, knowing that they can become enraged very quickly. Upon closing in on it, the elephant stops trumpeting and looks at the man. There was a minute of intense staring between the two, the man noticed an obvious mark on one of its tusks like a tiny dark grey diamond. Slow...

I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated

But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity

Two old soldiers are reflecting during a visit to the town where they grew up.

The first soldier had had both arms amputated at the elbow following after the war, and the second both legs at the knee.

After a while of gazing upon old buildings and storefronts, the men come across a statue in the town park; the statue shows signs of age and neglect.

The second rem...

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A young couple gets married....

....and on their honeymoon, the young man asks his bride for a blow job. She refuses, saying "I'm afraid if I do that you won't respect me anymore". The husband assures her he would always respect her but she refuses.

Every year, on their anniversary the man makes the same request and the w...

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