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Premium Jokes

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

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Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

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I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

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I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos,

but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.

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Pornhub Premium sucks

Ever since I got it there are no 40 years old milfs in my area looking to fuck.

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience

But I can still hear my wife moaning between songs

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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

How does one pay reddit premium?

With a creddit card.

iPhone X is very premium.

Basically, it's top notch.

What do you call a tinder premium subscription?

Fuel for thot

Inaudible audiobook premium, only from me 9.99$/mo

Variety of inaudible audio books available from me in all known languages

Marsupials in Australia have been found drinking puddles of water with premium leaves from eucalyptus trees that have falling into them and enjoying it.

They believe it's some koala tea

What does Jeffery Epstein and me being offered 30 days of YouTube premium have in common?

We both skip the trial.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

I built an ultra realistic driving game

You can collect points but your insurance premium will go up.

Want better sleep?

Buy youtube premium

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

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My state needs to enforce a statewide lockdown....

....so that PornHub can offer us the free premium service!

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

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Why can't you shorten LGBTQIA+ to just L+?

Because that would just be premium gay

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

If I had $ for every time I heard about net neutrality

*The rest of this comment is only viewable with premium membership. Upgrade for only $299.99*

Date a girl for a year that’s a relationship

Date a girl for a month and that’s a Spotify premium free trial

Wanna hear a joke?

YouTube premium

My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

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Ran into an old friend and they asked me "how's it going"?

I sighed a bit and answered "Well, things could be better actually. Yeah, I had to find a way out of that business I'd started."

They said, "Oh, really?"

"I'd done some research and found out that female cow manure had less nutrients in it than male manure. Something to do with the nu...

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Happy V-Day, Reddit

May your day be filled with joy and love,

Candy hearts and turtle doves.

Don't let yourself get all bummed out,

And don't despair if you're without.

Be kind to who you're thinking of,

In the meantime, free premium at Pornhub.

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

Congratulations,






you just discovered a premium feature. Pay to see more!

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"Why are you single?", She asked.

"I have Pornhub premium, He replied

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I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

An old couple went to heaven

After spending 60 years being married.

When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have."

The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment.

"You'll never find anywhere better!...

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Policing the internet.

Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate sex line for sexual harassment.

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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