What do you call someone with Reddit Premium?

A Predditor.

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I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

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So Pornhub is offering free premium membership in Italy because of the coronavirus.

Glad to see someone is willing to take a hands on approach to the situation.

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Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

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I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

What does Jeffery Epstein and me being offered 30 days of YouTube premium have in common?

We both skip the trial.

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

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I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos,

but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.

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Pornhub Premium sucks

Ever since I got it there are no 40 years old milfs in my area looking to fuck.

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

Inaudible audiobook premium, only from me 9.99$/mo

Variety of inaudible audio books available from me in all known languages

iPhone X is very premium.

Basically, it's top notch.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

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Buy yourself a PornHub premium gift card...

And go fuck yourself.

Date a girl for a year that’s a relationship

Date a girl for a month and that’s a Spotify premium free trial

If I had $ for every time I heard about net neutrality

*The rest of this comment is only viewable with premium membership. Upgrade for only $299.99*

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

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My state needs to enforce a statewide lockdown....

....so that PornHub can offer us the free premium service!

Went to the gas station. Started filling up tank with regular 87. Didn't sound right, so I pulled the nozzle out and see that it was just a bunch of shaving cream. Tried the mid grade: rubber snakes. Premium: Jimmy Kimmel canceled Christmas.

Dammit, April Fuels.

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

Wanna hear a joke?

YouTube premium

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Ran into an old friend and they asked me "how's it going"?

I sighed a bit and answered "Well, things could be better actually. Yeah, I had to find a way out of that business I'd started."

They said, "Oh, really?"

"I'd done some research and found out that female cow manure had less nutrients in it than male manure. Something to do with the nu...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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Happy V-Day, Reddit

May your day be filled with joy and love,

Candy hearts and turtle doves.

Don't let yourself get all bummed out,

And don't despair if you're without.

Be kind to who you're thinking of,

In the meantime, free premium at Pornhub.

My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

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I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

An old couple went to heaven

After spending 60 years being married.

When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have."

The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment.

"You'll never find anywhere better!...

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
IN ORDER TO VIEW THIS JOKE
CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE

Starting at just: $60.00/month

I was using Spotify and they have this killer punch line:

Congratulations,






you just discovered a premium feature. Pay to see more!

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My husband, my dog, wagew raises and... a very ballsy punchline

My husband has been meaning to phone his boss and ask for a raise, but he's a very strict man and doesn't take kindly to be asked for money.

Cellphone in hand, my husband selected the right contact and stared at the screen, unsure whether to make the call or not.

Seeing this, the dog a...

What was old is new

A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off a...

How not to forget your girlfriend’s birthday gift. Ever.

BF: Babe, look what I have got you! Spotify premium, now you can listen to our favourite love songs, anywhere, anytime, without ads!

GF: Yay! Is it for my birthday this year ?

BF: No, it’s for your birthday every year!

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"Why are you single?", She asked.

"I have Pornhub premium, He replied

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Tiny Blue Dot

A rich kid is taking his newly acquired vintage Ferrari out for a spin. He starts putting the pedal down as he gets out into the rural areas, just having a blast. His fuel starts running a bit low so he pulls into an old gas station. An older fellow wearing faded jeans and a blue shirt with the g...

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Policing the internet.

Complaining to the police about something you've read on the internet is like suing a premium rate sex line for sexual harassment.

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