UPJOKE
goldmetalprecious metalcopperbullionmetalliccoinssterling silverlatinjewelryalloyargentsilveryagsilver medal

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

A bear, an otter, and a silver fox walk into a bar.

(They met on grindr)

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

The silver gravy ladle

The Gravy Ladle

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeep...

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

I'm sure this is a repost I hope from not too recent

A blonde was shopping and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's ...

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

Man in Saudi Arabia

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand disinfectant. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand disinfectant anymore.

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

What do you call Dragon with no silver?

A dron

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says “Please come help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s supposed to be a rooster.”

The neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has all the pieces spread al...

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Au

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Silver side up is Nickelback's best album

Especially when used as directed.

A man walks into a bar, his head hung in shame.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

The man says, "Just a club soda. I think I'm done drinking."

The bartender fills the order. "Why?"

"Well," the man says, "Last night I got so drunk, I went home and blew chunks."

"I've been tending bar for 25 years," the bartender symp...

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Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

Oldie, but goodie - The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims

"So, you are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"Wha...

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble, One day he called Wibble and said, “What about running my bath Wibble.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?” said Wibble.

“Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“No Wibble,...

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

I went to a barbeque food truck with a silver dollar.

I handed it to the lady and said, "Could I get some fries for this?"

"Sure, but what else do you want?" Confused, I said "Well, just the fries. This is all I have." She seemed slightly annoyed, "Ok, sir... But would you prefer a baked potato, green beans, cornbread or mac and cheese to go alo...

What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?

They both came in a little behind

Iron-man and Silver Surfer are teaming up

The are alloys now.

I brought home some Olympic condoms.

I told my wife i was going to use the gold one. She said: "Maybe try the silver one, so you can finish second for once!"
I'm still gold baby!

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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Did you know that getting Covid-19 has a silver lining?

Your shit don't stink and neither does anyone else's. In fact the only thing that stinks is you got Covid-19.

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

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Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver?

Because you are a CuNTbAg.

What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

I like updoots, I like silver

Cake day cake day please deliver

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

How do you kill a redneck vampire?

A silver mullet

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining?

I might actually get social security.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

'Arrr' rated

Some women say that girth is more important than length but you've never heard of 'Girth John Silver' have you?

CO2 Climate Change Joke

One day the last man on earth went out for a stroll through the wasteland. As he was walking along, a giant, silver flying saucer burst out of the sky and landed before him. The door slowly opened and out of the craft came a little green fella who saw the man and shouted “Hey! What happened here?” T...

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

The Magic Slide

Once upon a time, there was a magic slide that resided in a magical forest. If you shouted something while sliding down, you would land in a pile of whatever you had shouted.

One day, a man found the slide. As he slid down, he shouted "Gold!" and landed in a pile of gold.

Another man f...

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

Sitting on the fence

Three boys were sitting on a fence, talking. One says, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?"

One boy answers, "Silver!" "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there," says the boy.

The other boy answers, "Gold! I could peel it off and b...

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with silver"

I said "No it doesn't"

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

I drank a bunch of colloidal silver over the last few years and it's got me depressed

I'm feeling pretty blue

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Did you hear about the big fight last night at the Long John Silvers drive-thru?

Battered fish were everywhere.

Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

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Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001.

What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy....

Either way, the silver bullets work.

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What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

EDIT 4:HOLY CRAP THANKS FOR THE ARGENTIUM!!!

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A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

Why Werewolves don't post on Reddit?

Someone might give them their free "Silver"

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

You ever notice how Long John Silvers employees care more about themselves than the actual customers?

It must be because they all sell fish.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver...

...is an either ore situation

What is the best way to buy Gold or Silver awards?

By using a Reddit Card

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party...

He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.

He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.

The chief says to him, "Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant...

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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

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