The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

What's the difference between Catholic priests and Olympic silver medalists?

They both came in a little behind.

Wouldn't it be amazing if Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up?

Yeah, they would be alloys!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the robot need viagra?

His disk was floppy.

A Silver sister can't remember your face

But a Silver Bromide

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

If the King sits on Gold, who sits on Silver?

The Lone Ranger!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nicklebacks’ album “Silver Side Up” was released on Sept. 11, 2001.

What are the chances that one of worst days in American history would also be the day a terrorist attack took down the twin towers?

What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?

weird flecks, but okay.

While renovating my fence I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with silver, gold and platinum

The things you get by re-posting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver?

Because you are a CuNTbAg.

A silver lining about this Brett Kavanaugh situation

is that the phrase “sober as a judge” is waaaay more applicable to my life.

What do you call a cat served on a silver plate?

A platter-pus

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians...

And was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are about to die, I'll grant you a wish."

The Lone Ranger said, "I want to talk to my horse."

The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered ...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with silver"

I said "No it doesn't"

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it’s always important to find the silver lining in things...

International Relations with Russia have never been better!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What's silver and tastes like blood?

Razor Blades!

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

Gold and Silver walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow

Found out she meant trout, not Skittles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why wasn't the little poo sad when he didn't win gold or silver at the poolympics?

He was happy with turd place.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Den...

My HS Chemistry teacher told us how to remember the periodic symbols for Silver and Gold-

If someone tried to steal your silver, you'd say A G, I lost my silver. But if someone tried to steal your gold, you'd say A U! Give me back my gold!

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I fell asleep with my iPhone under my pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and replaced with a shiny new silver dollar...

Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy!

My wife is like an Olympic silver medal skier.

She only goes down once every four years, and never finishes first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."


Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"


and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because we shoot the ones who go to school.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party...

He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.

He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.

The chief says to him, "Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.

"Aay, G."

Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unfortunately my girlfriend gave my sex life a silver medal...

But she didn't seem to mind me coming 2nd

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all...

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

[NSFW] A knight won a jousting tournament

The princess hosting the tournament said "For winning the joust, I shall reward you according to how your name sounds"

The knight replied "Are you sure milady?"

The princess answered "Of course! The previous winner, Silvers Crowne was granted a silver crown like what his name sounds. N...

Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics?

Not being disabled

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just started my new job at the sex shop

A customer came in and was looking for a dildo. I told them

“Okay, we have white dildos for $10 and big black dildos for $20.”

She says “Okay, I’ll take a white dildo”

so I packaged it all up and made the sale.
Later on another customer comes in also looking for dildos I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a silver lining to constipation.

You don't give a shit.

Every cloud has a silver lining...

... unless it's a mushroom cloud. Then it's likely strontium.

Me :how do you not get the joke ?

Random user: I Reddit wrong
Me: facepalm














edit :My first silver award thank you

Even if the universe ended in a big freeze

We'd be 0K

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to heaven.

At the gate St. Peter gives him a small silver harp and says “Congratulations! You made it.” The priest heads on in and sees a cabbie with a giant gold harp. Outraged he goes to St. Peter and is like “What the fuck dude?! I’m a priest and I’ve only got this dinky silver harp? Why’s that cabbie get ...

Whoever invented auto-correct,

can go to hello.

3 rich men get on a plane.

A Canadian, an American and a Mexican.
They decide to each throw something off the plane over their country to represent how they feel about their country.

The Canadian walks up and throws a silver bar off the plane. The others ask "Why did you do that?" To which the Canadian replies "Be...

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush...

... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.

Why did team USA get a silver in Men's Diving?

Because Steele Johnson always comes second.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Silver Tongued Salesman

A young hotshot from New York moves to California for some fun in the sun.

He goes to the local mega store looking for a sales job.

The manager, a little doubtful, asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The cocky kid responds, "Yup. I did sales back in New York."

The b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

from an old book

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at tue bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets th...

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Silver lining....

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor wa...

What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?

1Forrest1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis?

Long John Silver


First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

Long John Silver's is the perfect representation of corporate greed.

Nearly everything that company does is selfish.

I would post my really amazing werewolf joke here

But I’m worried someone would give me Reddit Silver.

George Washington and the Silver Dollar

According to legend, George Washington once threw a silver dollar across the Patomac River. You can't do this today because a dollar doesn't go as far as it used to.

"Hey, wanna play a game?"

A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says "Hey, wanna play a game?" Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says "What is it?"

"Well, the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My team got silver medal in the sex Olympics.

We would have got gold but I came first in the orgy.

An elderly man is having difficulty keeping up with his wife any more

so he goes to see the doctor and is gone for most of the day.

When he gets home, he arrives in a chauffered Cadillac, and is resplendently turned out in pinstripe trousers, waistcoat, frock coat, top hat and spats. He has a gold pocket watch in the waistcoat, a gigantic cigar, and an ebony ...

A young man buys a silver mine...

A young man heads out to Utah looking for adventure, and he finds a sign in town advertising an abandoned silver mine out in the desert. Intrigued he decides to go check out the mine, and finds the walls absolutely glittering with silver. He rushes back to town and buys the mine, and then goes to th...

Why did Yukon Cornelius join Reddit?

He heard there was Silver and Gold.

Always find the silver lining

A family was exiting a funeral. When the 13 year old son asks, his mother: "what will happen to us if you and Dad die?" The younger daughter knew. Without hesitation, she says "We'd go in the limo."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth

My parents were into some kinky shit

What is black and white and red and brown and silver and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a harpoon through her head.