UPJOKE
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Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

A young pastor is called into his superior.

"Some in the congregation have accused you of blasphemy after your last sermon. Do you know why?"

"I was just talking about the illness of one of our congregants," replies the young pastor. "That's when people got mad."

"That sounds odd. What did you say?"

"I said: 'God is good:...

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”


The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”


The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”


The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”


And so on and so on for hours...

The Mother Superior assembles all the nuns in the refectory

"Sisters," says the Mother Superior grimly, "while we were gardening this morning, we found a discarded condom!"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*

"And," adds the Mother Superior, "it had been *used!*"

99 nuns: \*horrified gasp\*

one nun: \*tee-hee\*...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

Mother Superior wakes up and gets out of bed one morning in the convent.

She begins her usual walk down a long hallway, with rooms for the other nuns lining either side. Immediately one of the nuns looks at mother superior and says "It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"

Mother Superior is a little taken aback by this comment, bu...

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.

She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun...

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few d...

Superior

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals...

What did the Mother Superior tell the Highlander when she caught him in the convent?

-There can be only nuns...

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

A soldier defied a superior officer and was confined to quarters

He had to turn in his pennies, nickels, dimes, and all paper money.

Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex...

But then I realize I’m better than that.

A conquistador was talking to a native about the superiority of his civilization.

"Unlike you savages we do not partake in cannibalism or human sacrifice. Now eat your body and blood of Christ or we'll burn you at the stake!"

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

How does a Roman sailor salute a superior officer?

2, captain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office

"Terrible news, Mother Superior. We've discovered a case of syphilis in the convent."

Mother Superior looks up, "Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis."

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

Mother Superior

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.

People say I have a superiority complex.

But just because I am better than everyone else does not mean I have a superiority complex

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

Wemen are superior!

Sorry, misspelled that.

We men are superior!

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

I have a superiority complex

It's the best superiority complex, better than anyone else's believe me.

Why do Mac owners think they are superior?

Because they need to command everything.

I used to think that Lake Superior was pretty arrogant.

But if you think about it..
All the Great Lakes are completely full of themselves.

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Four nuns are questioned by the Mother Superior

Each nun is asked "have you every done anything sexual?"
First nun says "I once touched at a penis."
Mother superior: "go and dip your finger in the Holy Water"

Second nun says "I once held a penis
Mother superior: go dip your hand in the Holy Water

Suddenly the 4th nun runs p...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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Several nuns are renovating an old church.

It's the middle of summer and with no electricity yet, it's very hot in the building. One of the nuns decides to take off her habit and strips down to just her panties.

“What are you doing?” yells the Mother Superior.

“It's so hot in here, Mother Superior!” she replies. "It's only us i...

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian repli...

The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye

KNOT

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

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So a soldier tells his superior officer "Sir, I can shit on command!"

Superior officer says "OK, Take a shit soldier!"

the soldier looks deep into his eyes, looks horrified for a moment, and then runs away.
The superior officer, dumbfounded, decides to brush it off as idiocy and decides to go back to work, until his boss bursts in through the door.
"...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

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Mother Superior calls allbthe nuns to a meeting.

All 100 nuns show up wondering what this meeting is about.

"We have discovered that one of you has had sexual intercourse" states the Mother Superior.

99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun.

"We have also found a condom that was used."

99 of the nuns gasp. ...

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Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
...

A Russian and an American are debating whose country is superior

“My country is superior,” the American said, “because if I want to, I can go into the oval office, pound on the desk and say, ‘Mr President, I don’t like the way you’re running this country!’”

“Well I can do that too” replies the Russian

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” The Russian conti...

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

Irish line dancers have superior form

Hands down.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

People who act all intellectually superior by ending their thoughts with a Latin phrase—- usually have no idea what they are doing.

Et al.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

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A young nun

excitedly runs to her mother superior.


“What are you going on about? Why are you so happy?” asks the old mother superior.


“I’ve just had the most amazing experience!”, the young nun exclaims.


“I was with our father helping him in the rectory when he said that in bet...

If I say that marathons are superior to sprints...

does that make me a racist?

An American military guy went in to fix his schedule with his superior officer

"I don't want to guard section C anymore". "Ok" his boss said "I'll sort it out".

The next day he comes in for guard duty and checks his schedule. He's posted at section C again. Furious, he storms into the office "Why am I still in section C!?".

His boss said "Relax, I'm not trying to...

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One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church...

He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Gi...

"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .

"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No,"...

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3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.

Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”

The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!” Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”

The second nun goes...

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And nun walks into a liquor store

So, a nun walks into a liquor store and asks the guy behind the counter for a fifth of vodka.

The guy thinks a minute, and says, “Sister, I can’t sell you booze. You’re a nun!”

The nun giggles nervously and says, “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for Mother Superior.” Then she leans forward a...

Why are bees the superior species?

They have a built in suicide switch.

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A nun walks into a liquor store

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle of rum. "But I thought the nuns in your covent are sworn to sobriety," says the man behind the till. "We are, but the Mother Superior is constipated and when applied correctly rum serves as a good laxative," says the nun and walks away with the b...

Superior Officer: I’m sorry ma’am but your husband is MIA

Wife: that’s fine I’m bi

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Richard was my superior when I was in the army...

He was a major dick

Some people tell me I have a superiority complex.

But it's actually pretty simple. They're just too dumb to comprehend it.

I made a mistake at a philosophy conference. They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.

I apologized for the Confucian.

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I can't stand the people I work with. They're all narcissistic and have superiority complexes.

I mean, I know I'm better than all of those assholes.

What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat?

The Arm-y

What do you call the Mother Superior of a corrupt convent?

Nun the Wiser

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

What do you call a person who thinks zombies are superior to people?

A wight supremacist

What do you call someone who thinks NASCAR is superior to any other racing sport?

A racist.

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Always let your superior have the first say.

Two construction workers and their supervisor are working in the middle of a hot summer day. Suddenly, a genie appears and says, "Greetings! I have chosen you three to receive my gift! I will grant each of you one wish; choose wisely."

The first worker leaps up and says "Enough with this shi...

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My psychiatrist says I have delusions of sexual superiority

She just wants to fuck me.

A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.

He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."

A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"

Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

My psychiatrist told me my superiority complex turned into a delusion of inferiority.

Great. Now I'm the least of my problems.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

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A newly ordained priest...

A newly ordained priest is walking down the street on his way to his assignment at a parish in the bad part of town. On his way he sees a prostitute who says "Hey father, how about a blow job. $25."

The young priest shyly hurries along past the woman.

Further down the street another p...

'The head of the Catholic Church is far superior to the head of the Church of England'

... said Sean, the promiscuous, and disloyal Altar Boy.

A priest walks down the street.

A young lady approaches him, and says "$10 for a quickie".

He was confused and walked on, and another girl come to him, "$10 for a quickie. "

He got to the convent, and asks the Mother Superior: "What is a quickie?"

She replies, "$10, same as in town."

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A priest goes fishing......

......and he lands a huge bluefish. The captain of the boat looks down from the bridge and says, "Look at the size of that son of a bitch!"

The priest if horrified. "Captain! Your language!"

"Oh......sorry, father. B-b-but that species of fish is actually called a 'son of a bitch.'...

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Nun Joke

A young women decides to become a nun and join a very strict convent. The nuns have to take a vow of silence, but they are allowed to speak 2 words every 10 years.

Ten years goes by and the woman is brought before Mother Superior and allowed her first two words. She says "Work hard!"

...

The starship Enterprise is about to face annihilation from a superior ship, but Picard comes up with a cunning plan.

"We'll beam Lieutenant Worf on to their ship to offer our unconditional surrender", says Picard

"But Captain", interrupts Riker, "they might not take us seriously if you send Worf. It might be wise to send Commander Troi".

"Nonsense! Put him in a wooly sweater, a wooly hat and gloves,...

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...

The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.

Then a little later, one came back and was crying

"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior

"I picked flowers in the garden."

"Ok your sins are forgiven, ...

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and sna...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

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Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

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