A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

An apple pie costs $7,95 in Jamaica,

In Cuba you will have to pay $9,90,

Whereas in Barbados you will only spend $4,50

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again

so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

What costs the most money to keep running?

5th : a family car

4th : a boat

3d : a tank

2nd : a warship

1st : a girlfriend

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”

​

“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”

​
<...

Son: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

How much does Male to Female surgery cost?

About a third of your salary.

If Beer Nuts cost $1.59 a bag, how much do Deer Nuts cost?

Under a buck...

Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?

Inflation.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs €2.00 A chicken pie in Trinidad costs €2.15 A chicken pie in St Kitts costs €2.40

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

Studies show ADHD students cost the school more on average

Because they cannot afford to pay attention.

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

Apple pie costs 2$ in Cuba

Pumpkin pie costs 3$ in Jamaica

Banana pie costs 2.5$ in Puerto Rico

These are the PieRates of the Caribbean

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A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

Our leader is a joke to the world, he’s made terrible descisions, he lacks a lot of experience, he’s cost us a lot of money, and he hasn’t made many people happy.

At least it’s only Justin Trudeau.

I was shocked to find out how much vibrators cost nowadays.

My wife is sitting on a small fortune.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

1 slice of apple pie will cost you $2.45 in Jamaica. A slice of apple pie costs $3.75 in Trinidad and the same slice costs $4.45 in Barbados.

And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.

How much does it cost to fly to South America?

A Brazillion dollars

(I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic...

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one pence

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

How much does a furry suit cost?

Your dignity

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?

Because Data is enterprise hardware.

What costs hundreds of billions of dollars but is totally worthless?

The 2nd place in a presidential election....

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

How do you push the high costs of living out of your way?

You just got to budge it!

LPT: If you commit 90 sins, it won't cost you anything.

sin90 = cos0

Amputation costs around $30,000 - $60,000

That's like an arm and a leg!

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a man was in his car when he spotted a prostitute, he asked her the cost of a handjob, she replied, "10$, wanna get one?"

He said, "Nah, I just wanted to know how much I save if I do it myself."

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

How much does it cost to see Harry Potter fly a broomstick?

About a Quid each.

“The total cost would be $5000,” said the funeral director, “and that includes digging of the grave.”

Me: Is that the whole thing?

Him: Yes, that’s the hole thing.

Did you know a Brazilian wax costs $50?

Talk about a rip off

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000

The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

Why do sperm donations cost more than blood ones?

Because they are done by hand.

Gotta reduce our costs

After the Wall Street crisis, this executive got a got smaller bonus, so he comes home to his 5th avenue duplex and says to his wife:

- Honey, times are tough now, so if you could learn how to clean and cook, we could get rid of the maid and the cook and save money.

- great idea! Now i...

A neutron walks into a bar and inquires how much a drink costs.

The bartender replies, "For you? No charge."

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
...

You have to pay the full cost of a car upfront in Russia...

And even still you had to wait ten years for them to build the car.

A man wanted to buy a car for his family in communist Russia. But he had to pay the full cost upfront. He worked and he worked and eventually he finally earned all the money necessary.

He put all the money he had saved...

A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one ...

A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

Avoid distraction at all costs.

Otherwise you'll end Up is such a great Pixar movie, maybe their best?

One should avoid marriage at any cost. Marriage is hard work. And compromise. And more work.

Even Hitler committed suicide 40 hours after marriage.

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a $1, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar wit...

It costs $235,000.....

...to raise a child to adulthood in the United States.

And that's just for the alcohol.

The cost of dropping your phone on the floor

If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.

If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.

If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent, featuring nickelback

How much does it cost to run Santa's sleigh every Christmas?

Eight bucks


Nine bucks if the weather is bad.

Why don’t neutrons cost anything?

They’re always given free of charge.

Due to the recession and to save on energy costs,

the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

A wife tells her husband her underwear cost $300...

The husband screams "Three hundred dollars!? That's outrageous!" The wife says "Well you don't wrap a beautiful jewel in newspaper".

The husband replies "Yeah, but you don't gift wrap a dead beaver, either".

My baby is costing a fortune in import costs.

It only drinks milk that comes from a broad.

Why do Microsoft products cost money?

You gotta pay the Bill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

What does it cost to get Santa's sleigh around the world?

8 or 9 bucks

How much did it cost the Australian cowboy to purchase his gang of marsupials?

A buck a 'roo.

Did you know that buying really old candy cost a lot of money?

Especially when they are in mint condition

How much do used batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

I found a parking space that costs £70 a month.

Excellent, now I just need to move out my bed, fridge and shower.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

Which haircut would cost you the most?

Chemotherapy

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog

So I booked a United flight instead

My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...

Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.