My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What concert costs 45¢?

50 cent feat. Nickelback

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's family?

One Buck.

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit

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Now that generic versions of Viagra are available, there are several low-cost options to treat erectile dysfunction.

Ask your doctor if coxaphlopin is right for you.

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

What do you call an increase in the cost of magic lamps over time?

Djinnflation

How much does it cost for santa to park his sleigh?

Nothing- It's on the house

What costs you more the less you spend on it?

A divorce lawyer.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

How much does it cost Santa to ride his sleigh around the world?

8 bucks. Unless the weather is bad, then it's 9 bucks.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Why has the cost of balloons risen in the past ten years?

Because of inflation!

"How much does this chimney cost?", the customer asked politely

"Oh, prices are through the roof sir!", the salesman replied.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What costs $3,000, gives you a ride, and says it'll make you feel better but you know it won't?

A good prostitute and an ambulance from America.

Little Timmy asked the Jewish bakery owner “What’s the challah cost?”

He wasn’t prepared for the anger-fuelled history lesson.

Admission to our local aquarium only costs 1p if you're camping or you're a dolphin.

So to all in tents and porpoises it's pretty much free.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

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Porn addiction has cost me everything I hold dear in my life....

But I’m glad I got a handle on it.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

It costs you nothing to be nice

and that's why economists say it's worthless

How do I determine the cost of a balloon after adjusting for inflation?

Pls help me. The size of the problem is growing by the second.

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50!

Now that's what you call inflation!

I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.

I'll call it "Mullet Over."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

It's true that an NRA membership costs $45 per year, while Deer Lovers Anonymous is $60.

...but you get more bang for your buck.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.


The people there told him:


"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. ...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

A fullmetal alchemist joke

Do you know how much a human cost's to make?

It cost me an arm and a leg

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

In Jamaica pies cost $4.76, in the Cuba pies cost $3.89, and in Haiti pies cost $3.23.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

"I bought you an engagement ring," I told my girlfriend.

"How much did it cost?" she asked in a flash.

"£300," I told her.

"£300?!" she fumed. "You said you were going to spend a month's wages!"

"I didn't say it was going to be *my* month's wages."

I was on a trip to Dubai, and in my stay, I met a rich man

Over time, we actually became friends, and he told me about this shoes company he owns.
He said:

Each pair of shoes we manufacture costs us about 2$, and we manage to sell them for 250$

What?! this is insane, why is it so expensive, ? I asked

Well I actually tried to make the...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

You know those brooms they ride around on in Harry Potter? How much do they cost?

About a quid each...

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A Couple visit a doctor

A couple ask the doctor to test them while they make love.

Doc says, I cannot find anything wrong.

This happens a few more times.

The doctor asks why they keep asking him to test them as they are obviously in good sexual health.

Well, doc. We are both married, not to each...

American healthcare costs are out of a control

A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.

When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on ...

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.

“Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm...

Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"

Bartender: "How much did it cost?"

Disabled Man: "A lot!"

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[NSFW] A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man

at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth ...

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

How much does it cost to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram...

The clerk gives him the relevant form and he goes to the desk to fill it in.

When he has finished he hands it back to the clerk with the fee and the clerk reads it through.

The message reads ” Woof woof, woof woof woof; woof woof, woof woof woof.”

The clerk then tells the dog th...

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

Bartender's special

A man takes a seat at a bar and sees the menu hanging behind the bar that says a beer costs a nickel, a shot costs a dime, and a chicken dinner costs a quarter. He calls the bartender over and asks him how he can stay in business with such low prices. The bartender explains that he's not the owner b...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

The position of 69 should be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

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I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost...

She’s sitting on a small fortune...

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

My wife was gleefully telling me about how the cost to replace her many responsibilities is $100k/year

Boy you should have seen her face though when I sent her an invoice for replacing the shower head.

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

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A guy walks into a bar

With a parrot welded to one of his shoulders and a leprechaun sitting on the other.


He says to the bartender I'll have a larger for me, an orange juice for the parrot and he winces as he asks the leprechaun "what do you want?"

The leprechaun says "I want a pint of fuckin whishkey...

How much would it cost to take over the world?

An armageddon and a leg

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

The Netherlands VS Greece (First impression )

So I moved to Netherlands some years ago and I'd like to share with you my experiences. Feel free to give me feedback in what you think.



So when I first grounded here, first think I did, I googled a super market and went to buy some cigarettes ( DO NOT SMOKE HERE, IT COSTS LIKE 10 EUR...

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i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Or a subreddit costs you $70 billion.

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That on...

How much did the Cats movie cost to make?

Just the artistic integrity of everyone involved.

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a be...

There was this fella having some drinks at a bar....

And all evening he kept eyeballing this beautiful, young woman, sitting at a table with what appeared to be a few of her friends. He noticed she would smile at him and subtly play with her hair, and from what he gathered, she was into him.

After building up some liquid courage, he decides it ...

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

Key lime pie is Barbados costs $3.14 Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59.

Those are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean.

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A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers’ Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you — I’m a hooker.” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver, and it’ll ...

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from w...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Why do divorces cost so much?

Because they’re worth it.

A rich old man died

His widow arrived at the funeral home to meet with the mortician. “Fortunately he was dressed in this fine black suit when he passed, perfect for his burial “ he said. “Yes” replied the widow “he does look good, but I’ve alway thought he looked best in blue”. From her purse she pulled a blank check ...

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

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