UPJOKE
venomtoxinkilltoxicpesticideinsecticidedrugcyanidemedicinezoologyenvenomtoxicantburnpoisonoussubstance

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner
upvote downvote report

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.
upvote downvote report

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning

Runs in the family
upvote downvote report

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.
upvote downvote report

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.
upvote downvote report

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.
upvote downvote report

I got food poisoning today.

Not sure who im going to use it on.
upvote downvote report

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...
upvote downvote report

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
upvote downvote report

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...
upvote downvote report

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.
upvote downvote report

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.
upvote downvote report

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"
upvote downvote report

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...
upvote downvote report

Is it possible to get steak poisoning?

Yes, but it's really rare.
upvote downvote report

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.
upvote downvote report

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him.

Hey. How's it going?

Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.

I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?

Of course.

Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you ...

I got food poisoning from a can of Spaghetti-O’s....

It was the most painful vowel movement of my life.
upvote downvote report

Doctor: You appear to have potassium poisoning.

Mario: But I've avoided bananas my whole life!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”
upvote downvote report

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi
upvote downvote report

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.
upvote downvote report

Poisoning a gopher (an old joke)

We had a gopher problem in the back yard, so I asked my dad what it would take to get it under control. "It's a two man job," he explained. "One guy has to put the poison down its tiny hole, and the other guy has to hold its tiny legs."
upvote downvote report

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then ple...
upvote downvote report

If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning...

Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
upvote downvote report

How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

Where do you go if you get food poisoning from the Olive Garden?

To the Hospitalliano.
upvote downvote report

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...
upvote downvote report

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information