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What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning

Runs in the family

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning this week. After a couple of days I decided it was time to update my pronouns.

Her/She/Squirts

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

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a cannibal walks into a church..

And the priest says to him,

"Ah so you seek to convert?"

And the cannibal says

"No I just got food poisoning from some of your missionaries, I've roasted them and baked them. Hell we've also boiled a few but we still keep getting the shits!"

The priest nods knowingly a...

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

My friend passed away the other day.

He will be missed. He would light up the room whenever he entered. Come to think of it, this should've been when we noticed the radiation poisoning.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over $720,000 in cocaine.

I went to a German food festival and almost died from food poisoning

It was the wurst.

How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

A coworker made a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning…

I told him it was tasteless

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

Did you guys hear about the Italian chef who had food poisoning?

He pasta way.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

Is it possible to get steak poisoning?

Yes, but it's really rare.

I got food poisoning from a can of Spaghetti-O’s....

It was the most painful vowel movement of my life.

TIL listening to metal music can give you heavy metal poisoning

It's because of the lead singer.

Where do you go if you get food poisoning from the Olive Garden?

To the Hospitalliano.

Doctor: You appear to have potassium poisoning.

Mario: But I've avoided bananas my whole life!

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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