Intoxicate Jokes - 63 Hilarious Intoxicate Jokes

Woman: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Man: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

What do you call an intoxicated golfer?

A drunk driver.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

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Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

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Two intoxicated women stopped to pee in a cemetery...

...after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first woman squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn’t have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The second woman squats down near a gravestone and ...

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

What is a scientist’s favorite way to get intoxicated?

HighDroGin.

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

Why do bartenders from Boston confiscate an intoxicated person's Khaki's at the end of the night?

So they can't drive home.

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ...

My brother kept increasing his entropy while intoxicated...

He was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

Overly intoxicated man in a bar one night is making a fool of himself

The next day he returns to the bar sits down and orders a coffee. The bartender sarcastically asks," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach, and wiping his mouth the man says," I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks." The bartender says, "see w...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

What did the marble head of the centurion say to the criminally intoxicated young women carved on the wall?

Frieze, this is a bust.

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What do the other Daleks on planet Skaro say?

Teacher Dalek - "EDUCATE! EDUCATE!"

Student Dalek - "PROCRASTINATE! PROCRASTINATE!"

Horny Dalek - "PROCREATE! PROCREATE!"

Bored Dalek - "MASTURBATE! MASTURBATE!"

Bee Dalek - "POLLINATE! POLLINATE!"

In-love Dalek - "INFATUATE! INFATUATE!"

Actor Dalek - "IMPE...

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Jake, my pussy-eating frog

A guy walks into a bar holding a frog and when he sits down next to a hot blonde, he sets the frog on the bar. She turns to him and asks, "What the hell is that frog?"

"That's Jake, my pussy-eating frog."

The blonde looks at the frog, shakes her head and goes back to her drink. An hou...

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Headline: Quenched Dench benched for a French wench finch pinch.

Press Release \[Paris\]:
Legendary actress "Dame Judi", reportedly intoxicated, was suspended from her current production for allegedly stealing a Paris prostitute's pet bird.

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No beers to bears in bars in Boise.

A bear walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. To which the barkeep points over his shoulder at a sign reading, "It is illegal to serve if you are already intoxicated. It is illegal to serve minors. It is illegal to serve beer to bears in bars in Boise."

The bear says, "If you do...

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of Wild Turkey. The bartender says, "I'm not going to serve you. You look intoxicated." The guy says, "I only want one. Then I'll go straight home!" So the bartender says, "OK you can have one." and pours the shot. The guy drinks it and immediately throws up onto his own shirt. ...

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Two Irishmen meet at a pub.

They start talking about their lives, when one thinks the other one looks familiar.

"What city were you born in?" he asked.

"Dublin," said the other.

"Same here, let's drink a toast to Dublin."

When they've finished their drinks, they carry on with the questions. Dublin w...

Why can’t Australians catch the coronavirus?

Because we’re only intoxicated by the hard stuff.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

"Speeding"

Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over.
"Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home."
"What?! You're intoxicated?"
"Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It's okay though,...

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said:

"I can't believe how intoxicated you are"
Denying it I said,
"I'm not drunk"
"Yes you are", she says
"No I'm NOT", I reply
" Can you tell the time?"
So I walked up the clock and said,
"I'm not drunk"

A young man gets pulled over by the police.

"Son, have you been drinking tonight?" said the officer.

The man rolled down his window. He had bloodshot eyes and smelt of whiskey. His left hand had a silver watch on it. "No, sir," he said with a slurred voice. "I am not drunk."

The police officer wasn't having it. "Alright, son. If...

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m...

Finding Jesus

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he stumbles down a riverbed and bumps into a preacher who is baptizing people. The startled preacher turns around and is overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So...

Cop pulls over a swerving RV.

Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home.

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The Drunk and the Woman

A dirty, homless drunk wanders into a bar during the night. He sits down, and with the few dollars he made begging, buys himself a drink.

An hour or so later, a clearly intoxicated woman comes by and flirts with him. She whispers in his ear, "Hows a blowjob sound?"

The drunk punches h...

A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

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Drunk driver and penguins

So a drunk driver is flying down the highway and a cop pulls him over. Before the cop can even tell the man anything, the drunk slurs to the officer,

"Officer you gotta help me! Are there 3 foot penguins?"

Shocked but obviously amused by the drunk he plays along.

"Yeah they get...

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The deaf computer scientist

A young, attractive woman goes to a bar. She notices a man at the other side of the bar making eye contact with her, and before long the bartender hands her a note saying, "That gentlemen over there told me to give this to you."

> Come join me for a drink?

She approaches the man an...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

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Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.

Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is ove...

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

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"So yesterday I found a genie in a beer bottle...

Due to his container he was quite intoxicated, and forgot how the whole 3 wishes thing worked, so instead he gave me 3 options, have a perfect memory, have a life that will always be successful, or have a giant dick, I can't remember what I chose." The man said to his fellow hobo.

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A man sits next to a nun on a bus.

A man gets onto a bus in a small farming town and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and s...

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Willie the bridge builder

An old man is sitting at the bar when a young patron walks in. He notices the old man has quite a few empty shot glasses in front of him. He approaches the old man and says, "Hello sir, I don't mean to be nosy but you sure have a lot of empty shot glasses there. What's the matter?" The old man looks...

Man goes into a bar and gets way too drunk,

After already having 7 or 8 pints the man walks up to the bartender, and asks for another Pint. The bartender apologizes and tells the man he can no longer serve him because he has had too much to drink. The man, upset, leaves the bar and stumbles down the street. About 15 minutes later he walks...

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender g...

Pregnant wife says to husband that she has a weird craving for snails (to eat)

Being the loving husband he is, he tells her that he’ll walk down to the shop and buy her some. He gets to the store and buys a glass jar of snails that he will cook when he gets home.

As he walks out of the shop he bumps into a very old friend that he hasnt seen in ages. They catch up and t...

Two cops are sitting in their car late at night...

...watching a bar in the hope of catching drunk drivers.

It nears 3 AM and they see a severely intoxicated man struggling to open the door to let himself out of the bar. He's walking in zig-zags all the way to a car in the streets. He struggles to fetch his keys from his pocket and, when he f...

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.

The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes ...

A man walks into a bar and gets drunk...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He downs it quickly and orders one more. This process continues for a while until the man is clearly drunk. When asking for his 4th round, the bartender says she can't serve intoxicated customers and asks the man to leave, so he does. However, after an hour,...

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A man comes home from the bar with a black eye.

Seeing her husband's injury, his wife asks, "what happened to you?"

"I was hit by a woman at the bar." Seeing his wife's face start to turn angry, he quickly adds, "I was just being polite. I was sitting there, quietly enjoying my drink, when I noticed the young lady sitting next to me had he...

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A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.

The officer proceeds to reach into...

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The bum and his amazing taste buds

So this drunk bum walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him "get out of here you don't have any money and you stink". "come on say's the bum, just one and I will leave I swear". The bartender thinks about it and thinks well one won't hurt if it will get him out of here. He then g...

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NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a couple shots of whiskey. After he downs his whiskey he notices a jar filled with coins and a couple dollar bills on top. He then asks the bartender what's the jar for and the bartender points to the big guy on the other side of the bar and says "you see that lug ...

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Sex Frogs

A miserably married man hates his life. His wife is a bitch, so everyday after work he's only home for a half hour before he takes off to the same bar to escape for a while. He's a regular at said bar. The people there are friendly and understand where he is in his life right now.

Well, one n...

A cop catches a drunk urinating in public

A cop walks up to a drunk peeing out in public he then says "you know what your doing is illegal right?" to which the man replies with "so?" Noticing the man is heavily intoxicated the cop asks "Sir do you know who I am?" The drunk replies with an apathetic "No" fed up the cop says "Sir you're obvio...

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Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, sits down and orders himself a drink. The guy notices a jar filled with hundreds with the words "The Ultimate Challenge" written on it. He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies that you put one hundred dollars in the play the challenge and whoever co...

Three Beers

A soldier, Mikey, has just been re-located to a new small town to serve. He decides he needs a drink and wanders over to the local pub.

Mikey has a seat and the bartender strolls over, "What'll it be, boy?"

Mikey replies, "3 beers, please."

Bartender pours the 3 beers and brings...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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