A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A famous monument in Paris was just burning

And there's Notre Dame thing they could do about it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

The Preist says,"Waphat about the kids?"


The Rabbi responds with, "Fuck the kids!"


The Preist asks, "Do we have time?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notre-dame : *burning*

Me: Just pour holy water on it

​

***Catholic problem requires catholic solution***

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rabbi and a Priest in a burning school

As they were running for their lives the priest noticed a group of kids who were stuck and went to help them.

The Rabbi said “Fuck the kids”

The priest stopped and looked behind him as flames engulfed the hall way and said “Do you think we have time”?

I call my weed "The Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned

Burning fat

Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?

Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school.

The Priest stops and says,"Wait, what about the children?"

The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"

The Priest asks,"Do you think we'll have time?"

Residents of Paris complaining of foul smell from burning wood in Notre Dame.

Because . . . . pew. (too soon?)

What did Bach say when Mozart thought he smelled something burning?

"Could Beethoven"

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate, then burning them. But I was just wondering,

should I keep the letters?

What did the dyslexic lawyer yell from the burning building?

“Recuse me!”

What's the difference between a burner and a hippie? (Burning Man)

A ticket

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Has anyone tried burning their Gillette razors yet?

I’m having trouble getting mine to catch on fire. Total bullshit. Razor burn must be a myth.

After burning a building, a son asks his father

"Are we pyromaniacs, Dad?". The father replies, "Yes, we arson"

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill?

Barbie Queue.

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy tells his wife, “my arsehole is really burning!”

His wife replies, “Ring sting.”
Paddy replies, “how the feck will he know what it is?”

A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

Uncle John is burning through his bucket list.

Uncle John's health has been declining and he's trying to get his bucket list done.
He goes skydiving with a tandem team and has a great time.
After sticking the landing he's being debriefed by the jump master.
Ok great jump John but what was with the screaming all the way down?
John say...

3 women are trapped on the top floor of a burning building.

The bottom floors are on fire, and the only way to escape is to jump out a window. Firefighters hold a blanket out to catch them.

The first woman jumps and the firefighters move to catch her, only for her to hit the concrete below. The second tells them not to move, and they move anyways, cau...

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the hardest part about burning down an orphanage?

My dick.

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”

“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

Three guys were on the roof of a burning building...[Long]

The fire fighters show up with a huge net for them to jump onto. The fire fighters shout up to one of the guys, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!" So one of the guys jumps, and the fire fighters quickly move the net and the guy hits the ground with a loud SPLAT.

They have a laugh then shout to t...

Burning Man

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Angry Priest: "What will you do if you encounter the burning bush?"

"I'm gonna put some anti-fungal cream on that bad boy."

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire

You take away the oxygen and they're gone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman sa...

If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house...

...always take the latter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on top of a burning building.

There are firefighters at the bottom with a rescue blanket. "Jump down we will catch you" the firemen yelled. The brunette jumped down, when she was close the firemen yanked the blanket away and laughed as she went splat on the pavement.

They the tell the redhead to jump "The brunette wasn't ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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I went to the doctor and said, "My penis is burning."

He said, "That means someone is talking about it."

- Garry Shandling. RIP.

The Irishman and the burning pub

Local firemen are called to put out a fire at a nearby pub. Sure enough, when they arrive, the entire pub is up in flames.

They rush in to search for survivors and find an unconscious Irishman covered in soot. They pull him from the pub and shake him awake. "What happened?! How did the fir...

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

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My friend is blind and ignorant to the pain so many people suffer of having burning shits after eating spicy food.

What an insensitive asshole.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings...

...he is an ex-tractor fan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A whole city block is burning, and fire trucks from all about are called in, and trying to take down the flames when...

This old, ancient, piece of junk fire truck drives right in the middle of the fire, and takes complete control of the situation; saving the day. After hours, and hours of of fire fighting, the reporters can't wait to interview the captain of this mysterious savior that came out of nowhere.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had sex.

Then I realized it was just the mace.

What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus?

"Smells Like Teen Spirits"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hot blonde is trapped on the 8th floor in a burning building

She looks out the window and sees a massive crowd watching and waiting with baited breath.

So she takes off her clothes, does a few sexy poses and walks down the *stares*.

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

Nursery Rhymes are outdated

Nursery Rhymes have not changed with the times. Take for example, the popular English rhyme, London Bridge is Falling Down", it is so old, most people can't relate to it. We should modernize these rhymes as a way to keep an important tradition alive. I suggest the following:

Notre Dame is bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?

Because potholder was already taken

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...