UPJOKE
burn downfirescorchcombustincineratescaldhurtcauterizeburn upcharsearsingesunburndeflagratecauterise

Burning Jokes

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN

Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN

Priest 1 : Do we have time?

What did the fire fighter say when the brothel was burning down?

>!We are gonna need more hose!<

After many years of Burning Man, the organizers decided to change the theme this year.

For the first time in history, we welcome you all to Drowning Man Festival.

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

Two guys are in a burning building

"Let's jump out of the window" says the first one.

"What floor are we on?" Answers the other.

"Thirteenth."

"What? Thirteenth? There is no way I jump from here!"

"Come on, now, it's no time to be superstitious."

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

My partner asked me " What's 'burning man'? "

Apparently 'my urethra' was not a wise answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

"How'd the book burning go last night?"

"It was all Reich"

Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."

What happened to the guy who fell into burning coals at the bonfire?

He got really EMBER-ASSED.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Burning fat

Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?

Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

They say the people burning books are just a vocal minority

But I don't see the police harassing them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

News: Man burns at Burning Man

His last words: "The irony stings. But what really hurts is the burning."

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

Burning Man

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Step 1. Burning bush

Step 2. ????

Step 3. PROPHET!

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy says to his wife.....

"My bum hole is really burning, I have no idea what it is"

"Ring sting" His wife says.

Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

The fireman climbs the ladder to a bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette.

\`Ah,\` he says, \`you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year.\`


\`But I’m not pregnant!\`

\`You’re not rescued yet.\`

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a Rabi are running out of a burning building

The Priest says "What about the children?"
The Rabi replies "Fuck the children!"
The priest stops and looks at the Rabi and says "Do you think we will have time?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two priests are running from a burning school

The first stops and says, "what about the kids?"

The second priest yells "FUCK THE KIDS!"

The first replies "Are you sure we have enough time?"

The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?”

I said, “I just had to use my keys.”

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fire chief goes into a burning house

The fire had just became controllable and was starting to calm down. However, two fire fighters were still inside the building. He went to check on them to see if they were fine.

He finds them both upstairs fucking each other.

"What the hell is this!?" He said

"Well chief, my p...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.