The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

Old man Haskins was caught fahv stories high in a burning building...

Waren't no ladder tall enough to rescue im'!


With mah quick thinkin', Ah saved the day!


"Old man Haskins!" I hollers up to 'im "tie this rope 'round yer waist!"


So I throwed the rope up to him, he tied it tight 'round his waist, and I pulled him down!

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

A famous monument in Paris was just burning

And there's Notre Dame thing they could do about it

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A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

The Preist says,"Waphat about the kids?"


The Rabbi responds with, "Fuck the kids!"


The Preist asks, "Do we have time?"

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

What do you call a burning Jacket?

A blazer...

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A Rabbi and a priest run out of a burning school...

The priest said to the Rabbi, "what about the children?"

"Fuck the children" said the Rabbi

"do you think we will have time?"

What did Bach say when Mozart thought he smelled something burning?

"Could Beethoven"

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Burning fat

Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?

Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

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A Rabbi and a Priest in a burning school

As they were running for their lives the priest noticed a group of kids who were stuck and went to help them.

The Rabbi said “Fuck the kids”

The priest stopped and looked behind him as flames engulfed the hall way and said “Do you think we have time”?

Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning!

Sweetie, the christmas tree is lit, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now lit too!

I call my weed "The Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate, then burning them. But I was just wondering,

should I keep the letters?

What's the difference between a burner and a hippie? (Burning Man)

A ticket

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

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Paddy tells his wife, “my arsehole is really burning!”

His wife replies, “Ring sting.”
Paddy replies, “how the feck will he know what it is?”

After burning a building, a son asks his father

"Are we pyromaniacs, Dad?". The father replies, "Yes, we arson"

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, “ok, the problem is solvable” and goes back to sleep.

Saving people from a burning building

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b...

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill?

Barbie Queue.

"The kitchen is burning to the ground. Quick honey call the fire marshall!"

MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KICTHEN!

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

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What's the hardest part about burning down an orphanage?

My dick.

“Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!!”

“Let’s get out of here son! Quietly, you’re gonna wake up your mom!”

Burning Man

Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Three guys were on the roof of a burning building...[Long]

The fire fighters show up with a huge net for them to jump onto. The fire fighters shout up to one of the guys, "HEY JUMP AND WE'll CATCH YOU!" So one of the guys jumps, and the fire fighters quickly move the net and the guy hits the ground with a loud SPLAT.

They have a laugh then shout to t...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?

Bros before hose.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on yout head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on top of a burning building.

There are firefighters at the bottom with a rescue blanket. "Jump down we will catch you" the firemen yelled. The brunette jumped down, when she was close the firemen yanked the blanket away and laughed as she went splat on the pavement.

They the tell the redhead to jump "The brunette wasn't ...

My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire

You take away the oxygen and they're gone.

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman sa...

If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house...

...always take the latter.

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air.

He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building.
On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up ...

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I went to the doctor and said, "My penis is burning."

He said, "That means someone is talking about it."

- Garry Shandling. RIP.

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My friend is blind and ignorant to the pain so many people suffer of having burning shits after eating spicy food.

What an insensitive asshole.

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I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

The Irishman and the burning pub

Local firemen are called to put out a fire at a nearby pub. Sure enough, when they arrive, the entire pub is up in flames.

They rush in to search for survivors and find an unconscious Irishman covered in soot. They pull him from the pub and shake him awake. "What happened?! How did the fir...

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

What's worse that burning the turkey on thanksgiving?

Being a starving African Child.

My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings...

...he is an ex-tractor fan.

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I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had sex.

Then I realized it was just the mace.

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A whole city block is burning, and fire trucks from all about are called in, and trying to take down the flames when...

This old, ancient, piece of junk fire truck drives right in the middle of the fire, and takes complete control of the situation; saving the day. After hours, and hours of of fire fighting, the reporters can't wait to interview the captain of this mysterious savior that came out of nowhere.
...

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

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A hot blonde is trapped on the 8th floor in a burning building

She looks out the window and sees a massive crowd watching and waiting with baited breath.

So she takes off her clothes, does a few sexy poses and walks down the *stares*.

What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus?

"Smells Like Teen Spirits"

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

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What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."



"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

Why is something that keeps you from burning your fingers on a joint called a roach clip?

Because potholder was already taken

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