UPJOKE
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An American and an Englishman are about to be executed

The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"


The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"



They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"



Amer...

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he wa...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

Please don't make jokes about crucifixion.

Unless you really nail the execution.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

3 prisoners on their execution day

There were 3 prisoners: Prisoner A, Prisoner B and Prisoner C.

They were going to be shot by soldiers on top of a cliff.

So the first day, it was the Prisoner A. He was taken to the cliff and the soldiers asked, "Any last words?" Prisoner A yelled, "TYPHOON!" so the soldiers ran and l...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

Judge: "You have been found guilty of writing clickbait. You will be taken from here to a place of execution"

What happens next will shock you!

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest reads them their last rites, then the king orders the executioner to kill the physicist.

The executioner offers the physicist two choices: would he like a hood on or off, and would he like to be executed face up or face down. The physicist replies, "I spent my whole life studying t...

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer are being lead to the guillotine to be executed.....

The priest tells the executioner, "I want to meet my maker face to face, can I lie on my back?"

The executioner says, "I see no problem with that."

As the blade comes down it stops halfway. The executioner sees this as a miracle and sets the priest free.

The rabbi makes the same...

There was a Brunette , Redhead and a blonde getting ready for Execution.

The Brunette was marched to her final place, the firing squad's guns on her. The commander said

"Ready"

"Aim"

then the Brunette screamed "EARTHQUAKE", the firing squad looked around, and the brunette ran away and escaped.

The Redhead was marched to her final place, the f...

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.



As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:



"...

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said “Wait a minute! I think I see the proble...

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Three men are about to get executed in Bulgaria

The executioner approaches the first man and says

"How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric Chair?"

"I'll take the chair" the prisoner says.

So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! ...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

I have an idea for an execution machine

It will cut your head off while you are on the toilet. I will call it the guillatrine.

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.

They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to th...

A brunette, redhead, and blonde got sentenced to execution in front of a firing squad.

The brunette was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the wall and blindfolded. In desperation, she screamed "TORNADO!". The soldiers, caught by surprise, dropped their guns and covered their heads. The brunette tore off her blindfold and bolted to freedom out of the encampment.

By and by, the ...

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The japanese don't tell inamates their execution dates. Inmates wake up everyday thinking that it will be their last.

In short, they like to keep them hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

The guillotine is the most humane method of execution, and it’s centuries old.

It was really ahead of its time.

Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, an...

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

Execution is click bait...

because ***YOU WILL BE SHOCKED!!***

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

You know what the worst thing about execution by hanging is?

It’s such a noose-ance.

A man is brought in for execution

The king is a fair king and let’s him choose how he would like to die. The man thinks for a moment and finally responds with” I would like to die of old age”

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

A French Execution

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are awaiting execution.

The priest is first to go and is put into the guillotine.

The blade drops and two feet away from his neck it stops, stuck.

The priest proclaims it a miracle from on high and is immediately released.

Next up is th...

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

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Execution of a porn star

Did you know that the first male porn star was executed?
He was hung

Why did the Satanist Unix Cult never perform executions ?

Because the permissions were 666

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male pornstar was charged with murder and sentenced to death by hanging. The day before his execution, the warden asked: "what would you like inscribed on your tombstone?"

...

...

...

...



"Hank

1980-2017

He was well hung"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsm...

What did the executioner say to the death row inmate who had their execution date expedited?

Boy have I got noose for you...

What do you call an Isis execution recorder

A daesh cam

Three women are about to be executed for crimes

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. ...

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

Did you know that every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution?

You ask why? Because you have to end every sentence with a period.

Three guys are lined up to be executed by handgun.

The executioner ask the first one, "Any last words?"

"Tornado!" He exclaims, pointing behind the executioner, who turns around in terror. While the executioner is distracted, he runs away.

So the executioner moves on the the next guy. "Any last words?"

"Tsunami!" He yelled, poin...

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