My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

I burn really easily in the sun.

*on

What did Darth Vader say to the severe burn victim?

I find your lack of face disturbing.

What do you get if you burn down Woolworths?

Coles.

​

What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)

Coles.

How did Helen Keller burn her cheek?

She mistook the iron for a telephone.

How did she burn the other cheek?
They called back.

How do you make a blonde burn her ear?

Phone her while she's doing her ironing.

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friend: During sex, one burns as much calories as running for 5 miles.

2nd Friend: Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets!

Can’t believe gavisgon...

Old but gold.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Just burned 2000 calories

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The person who invented auto-correct should burn in

Hello

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a woman.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."


Robbie agreed, and the farmer started


"Stretching across the desert sands...

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.

 

*Too soon?*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of two rednecks burns to death in a fire.

The police office calls Joe-bob and Billy-joe down to the morgue to identify who the police suspect may be their close friend Tommy.

The first to arrive at the morgue was Joe-bob.

"jesus" he says. "sure is burnt. roll him over"

the mortician is confused, but rolls him over.
<...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

My young son asked me what happens when we die. I told him that we all burn in hell forever.

I was going to tell him the truth, that we rot in the ground and get eaten by worms, but I didn't want to upset him.

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He took a sip of his venti caramel latte before it was cool

My wife told me to burn some calories...

So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.

“How did you manage to get these burns?” the doctor asks.

“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear.” the man replies.

“But you burnt both of them!” the doctor says con...

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate to get into political correctness with y'all, but this just really burns me up.

This a sad example of the witch hunt that's been going on because of the flood of all these sexual abuse allegations. I have a customer that after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in his profe...

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.

Still no matches.

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

Want to know how to burn fat while you sleep??

Keep dreamin'