I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

I'm still treating my burn

Older Englishman and I like to trade insults at work, and this happened...

Him: Oh dear, was having a good day and you show up.

Me: Don't make me start another Revolution to kick the rest of the English out.

Him (instantly): Well, you've been revolting for years.

A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

What do you call it when Asgardian trees burn?

A thorest fire

Thought I'd burn some calories today

So I set a fat kid on fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

My wife told me to go the gym and burn some calories

So I went and set some fat kids on fire

What do you call a dinosaur good at healing burns?

An aloesaurus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

What did Darth Vader say to the severe burn victim?

I find your lack of face disturbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

I burn really easily in the sun.

*on

What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)

Coles.

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

How did Helen Keller burn her cheek?

She mistook the iron for a telephone.

How did she burn the other cheek?
They called back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friend: During sex, one burns as much calories as running for 5 miles.

2nd Friend: Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

The person who invented auto-correct should burn in

Hello

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a woman.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

Just burned 2000 calories

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of two rednecks burns to death in a fire.

The police office calls Joe-bob and Billy-joe down to the morgue to identify who the police suspect may be their close friend Tommy.

The first to arrive at the morgue was Joe-bob.

"jesus" he says. "sure is burnt. roll him over"

the mortician is confused, but rolls him over.
<...

What do burn victims celebrate on October 31st?

Aloe-ween

Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."


Robbie agreed, and the farmer started


"Stretching across the desert sands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.

&nbsp;

*Too soon?*

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

My young son asked me what happens when we die. I told him that we all burn in hell forever.

I was going to tell him the truth, that we rot in the ground and get eaten by worms, but I didn't want to upset him.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He took a sip of his venti caramel latte before it was cool

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.