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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the Hoover factory?

Because nature abhors a vacuum..

Why did the doctor put a flesh-eating snail on the burn wound?

To make the Eschar go!

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Every time I eat cake I get heart burn...

I should probably take off the candles.

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They say during sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles

Nobody runs 5 miles in 2 minutes

I hate these people that knock on your door and tell you they are going to save you and that if you don't listen to their word you will burn and die...

... Damn Firefighters

What does a gamer and a burn victim both say

I can’t wait to try out my new skin

My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

My ex’s shoe factory burned down

Unfortunately no soles were lost

Why do people support book burnings?

They think lit lit is lit.

"The Chairman of the Red Cross Society of China had been kidnapped. The kidnapper demands for 10mil or he will burn the Chair alive with gasoline. How much are you willing to help?"

A guy in Wuhan replied: "Maybe 10 gallon."

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes

I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend

They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.

I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.

I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

Does the body burn fewer calories in a day in amputees?

Yes. By an arm and a leg.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

Scott Morrison is literally the type of person who would like to see the world burn.

Starting with Australia 🇦🇺

Some people just want to watch the world burn.

Most of these people move to Australia.

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

I just burned 2000 calories after my xmas feast

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

How do you think burning sperm would smell like?

Genocide

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

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A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids!

Priest: Do we have time?

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

After our house burned down, the cops told us that it could be someone we know.

I asked my wife, “Could it be arson?”

My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

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A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

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A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"

"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."

"And what about the other ear?"

The woman scoffed.

"The fuc...

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Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fasc...

I might have burned to death giving head in the world's most promiscuous bathroom...

...but at least I went down in a blaze of glory.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for burning $1 bills?

Police got a report of hot singles in his area.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with ...

Why did the Englishman and the Aussie want to burn the other?

They wanted The Ashes.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down?

All that was left was de-brie.

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A priest and a rabbi are running out of a burning school

"What about the children?!?!?!" Asked the priest
"Fuck the children!!!!" Said the rabbi
The men continue running
"Wait,Will we have time?"

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

I got burned pretty badly... On my birthday no less...

Last Monday was my birthday. One of my sister's friends was at my house and asked how old I was. I told her, "42."

"Wow! You don't look a day over 50!"

So, yeah... Happy birthday...

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

Mom Burn

Taken off of Twitter:



*My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.*

*Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.*

*Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.*

*I’m going to nee...

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

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What's as big as a house, burns 20 litres of fuel every hour, puts out a shit ton of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into 3 pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces

A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

What do you call a burning redneck?

A ***Fire Cracker***

Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane

Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off,

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning."

...

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People are coming to a families house to interview the father for a job

The kid comes home from school. He goes into the kitchen to see the Dad putting the chicken in the oven, the dad burns himself with the oven and goes "fuck". The kid asks the dad what fuck means and the dad goes "prepare".
The kid leaves and goes into the moms room where she is putting on makeup....

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

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