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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank the coffee before it was cool

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm I keep the letters?

My psychiatrist told me to just write letters to the people I hate and burn them

Now I wonder what to do with the letters

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Man trys nude sunbathing and burns his dick

He calls his friend who recommends to dunk it in a glass of milk to ease the pain.

He goes into the kitchen totally naked, fills a glass full of cold milk and cautiously puts the tip in.

Just at that moment his blonde wife bursts through the door.

She takes one look at him and s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a woman.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

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Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

The person who invented auto-correct should burn in


It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

I hate those people who knock on your door saying that they're there to "save you" or "you'll burn"


My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

What do burn victims celebrate on October 31st?


Robbie Burns

As Robbie was looking for a place to stay the night, he came up to a farm.

The farmer curious of the bards talent, said "you can stay the night if you pen a better song than mine, using Timbuktu."

Robbie agreed, and the farmer started

"Stretching across the desert sands...

How do you burn an entire country to the ground?

Keep putting water on a Greece fire.


*Too soon?*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of two rednecks burns to death in a fire.

The police office calls Joe-bob and Billy-joe down to the morgue to identify who the police suspect may be their close friend Tommy.

The first to arrive at the morgue was Joe-bob.

"jesus" he says. "sure is burnt. roll him over"

the mortician is confused, but rolls him over.

My young son asked me what happens when we die. I told him that we all burn in hell forever.

I was going to tell him the truth, that we rot in the ground and get eaten by worms, but I didn't want to upset him.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He took a sip of his venti caramel latte before it was cool

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?


My wife told me to burn some calories...

So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.

“How did you manage to get these burns?” the doctor asks.

“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear.” the man replies.

“But you burnt both of them!” the doctor says con...

Sick burn.

I came to school one day with a great big burn on my cheek. On seeing the mark my teacher said “My goodness! What happened to you?”

I told her “I talked back to my mother at breakfast, so she hit me with the frying pan.”

The teacher frowned. “That’s not very funny.”


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I hate to get into political correctness with y'all, but this just really burns me up.

This a sad example of the witch hunt that's been going on because of the flood of all these sexual abuse allegations. I have a customer that after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in his profe...

Want to know how to burn fat while you sleep??

Keep dreamin'

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.

Still no matches.

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

Why do Spanish-speakers only use the fire extinguisher when they burn the cheese?

Because they were told, “only use in queso emergency”

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

Why is it illegal to burn money to a crisp?

Cuz then it wouldn't be legal...*tender*

What do you get if Woolworths burns down?


4 people are on a boat with 5 cigarettes and no way to burn them. How do they all smoke?

Take a cigarette and throw it of the boat so the boat becomes


A cigarette lighter

What happens when you get a sunburn at the beach?

You become Bernie Sanders.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?

She tried to read the waffle iron.