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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new “Hipster” coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

If you start to smell burning toast you’re having a stroke

or overcooking your toast

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

I was on a plane when all of a sudden turbulence started to shake the entire thing. You could smell something burning and smoke started to fill up. Everyone was scared, panicking and screaming. At that point I stood up and tried to calm everyone down...

"Don't worry everyone, it will all happen really quickly you won't feel a thing"

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn’t.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you’ll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we’re going at night'

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatoes before they were cool.

Why was he eating potatoes?

Because they’re so underground.

There was a tribe that made new thrones for each chief, while burning the previous throne.

One day, a man thought, "Hey, let's just store these thrones in memorium of our previous chiefs!"

So the man started storing each of the thrones in his grass hut. Over the years, the number of thrones rose. For each year there was a new chief, the previous throne was stored in his grass hut.<...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building.

Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer.

The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?”

I said, “I just had to use my keys.”

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting

He cumbusted

A college got burned down

At least those students got their third degrees

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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Bubba died in a fire

Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.

That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.

When ...

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

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You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

IT Dept Gets Burned

Saw this in our IT help chat at work today:

What’s the difference between our IT support and a cyber attack?

One of them has the incentive to succeed.

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

I hope the guy who invented autocorrect

Burns in Hello.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

A man had bandages on both ears

His friend asked “what happened to your ears?”

The man said “I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.”

“Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?”

“Well the burn was quite painful so ...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

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My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

What happened when the bakery burned down?

Their business was toast!

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A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his penis

His doctor tells him to dip it in a cup of milk to ease his pain. His wife comes home and finds him with his willy in a cup of milk. She remarked, " I always used to wonder how you reloaded it"

Big Lebowski

I used to have a job making coffee on the set of the Big Lebowski. One day they fired me because the lead actor's coffee was too hot. It was an important lesson about burning bridges.

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A Monkey was arrested for throwing lit shit at zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

How did Hellen Keller burn her fingers?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

When a man has money to burn...

...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.

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Anniversary.

A couple are celebrating 70 years of marriage and this year the wife says:
"Dear, do you remember when we use to have breakfast in the nude?"
"I want to do it again"
The couple has breakfast in the buff and the husband romantically says," Your just as beautiful as you were so many years ago...

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Taser Gun

Last weekend I saw something at Costco that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short...

Almost all Mazdas are hybrid cars

They burn both gas and engine oil

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

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A Great Gambler

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

What do heart burn chewables and formic acid have in common?

They're both ant acids.

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

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30 Times Left

A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left."

The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is...

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

How do you turn normal water into holy water?

You burn the hell out of it

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

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Things you can burn for stress relief

Sage

Lavender

Racists

Marijuana

Paedophiles

Frankincense

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

HELP, my house is burning down!

**mrs doubtfire** [narrows eyes]: prove it

My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom.

Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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How did the Jamaican burn his dick?

Jerking it.

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it...

... So I bought her a candle.

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Watching a presidential debate with a friend.

Republican: I am going to smoke crack and burn down all the houses in your hometown.

Democrat: I will also burn down all the houses in that same town, but I will smoking meth, not crack.

Third party rep: I don’t do drugs and disavow arson.

Me to my friend: “I think I’m going to ...

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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