A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatoes before they were cool.

Why was he eating potatoes?

Because they’re so underground.

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

I can't be doing with those pricks who knock on my door and tell me they're my saviour and if I don't listen I'll burn.

Damn Firemen.

There was a tribe that made new thrones for each chief, while burning the previous throne.

One day, a man thought, "Hey, let's just store these thrones in memorium of our previous chiefs!"

So the man started storing each of the thrones in his grass hut. Over the years, the number of thrones rose. For each year there was a new chief, the previous throne was stored in his grass hut.<...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.

Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.

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Not so much a Joke but a Burn from my kids

Dad: I like to do things Old School because its better

Kids: Dad, you are so old, you are the Principal of the Old School

Dad: Ouch....

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

Just burned 2,000 calories.......

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

My teacher just asked me what steps you should take when you’re in a burning building.

Apparently, “really large ones” wasn’t the right answer.

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting

He cumbusted

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

The fireman looked at my burning car and said, “Any idea how it started?”

I said, “I just had to use my keys.”

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

IT Dept Gets Burned

Saw this in our IT help chat at work today:

What’s the difference between our IT support and a cyber attack?

One of them has the incentive to succeed.

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

Did you hear about the shopping center that burned down?

Nothing was left but Kohl’s.

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it a...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

A: "Is there a dog?"

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My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

What happened when the bakery burned down?

Their business was toast!

How do you turn normal water into holy water?

You burn the hell out of it

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"

Half the world is burning right now.


*I hope you feel good about yourself.*

I don’t like making 9/11 jokes

Because they usually crash and burn

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A Man Tans in the Nude and Burns His Penis

His doctor tells him to dip it into a saucer of milk to ease the pain.

His wife comes home, and finds her husband's dick in the saucer of milk.

"Well, Fuck me," she exclaims, "I've always wondered how you reloaded that thing."

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

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A woman wakes up after a Vaginal Tuck.

On the window sill, she sees three bunches of flowers.

One from her surgeon to say all went well.

One from her husband, "get well soon and I love you."

And one from Tommy in the burns unit, to say,

"Thank you for the new ears."

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

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There was a lady that was getting married for the eighth time.

She went to a plastic surgeon and asked if he could make her a virgin again, and if he could do it without telling anyone.
He explained to her that he could and that legally he can not tell anyone about the surgery.
She went ahead and had the surgery, but when she woke up she saw three bouquet...

How did Hellen Keller burn her fingers?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

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A dragon appears and burns down a village...

...so the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.

Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and f...

When a man has money to burn...

...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.

What do heart burn chewables and formic acid have in common?

They're both ant acids.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban?

A Sikh Burn!

How many jamband fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait until it burns out and then follow it around the country.

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

In tragic news, Donald Trump's personal library has burned down

Now he will never find out if the caterpillar ever got a good meal

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

HELP, my house is burning down!

**mrs doubtfire** [narrows eyes]: prove it

My wife replaced the burned out bulb in the bathroom.

Ever since then I have been seeing myself in a new light.

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

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Monkey arrested for throwing lit feces a zoo employees

3 were hospitalized with turd debris burns

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

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Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:...

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

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My dick must be enchanted with fire aspect III

Because it burns when I pee

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Things you can burn for stress relief

Sage

Lavender

Racists

Marijuana

Paedophiles

Frankincense

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

Lincoln, Do the Thing!!! (4th of July Joke)

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
...

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

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How did the Jamaican burn his dick?

Jerking it.

After years of working his way up through the Dove Soap Company, Jedidiah Kermin was finally promoted to CEO.

Jeb was ecstatic and ready to lead the company into a new golden age of soap making. He was determined to shake up the industry and leave a true legacy for himself. So he went to product development and told them that what Dove needed was to make a soap that could clean people faster than any other ...

My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it...

... So I bought her a candle.

What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings?

An arsonal

Three Guys are on an private jet when the pilot says they need to lighten their load.

They all agree to drop one item each. The first man drops an empty briefcase, the second man drops a beach towel, and the third man drops a live grenade. The flight continues as normal and the three men decide to visit the area where they dropped their items to see if any damage was done.

Soo...

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

When you treat a burn with topical cream but then you wash your hands:

“Man, now I have to do that Aloe Vera again”

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

News: Man burns at Burning Man

His last words: "The irony stings. But what really hurts is the burning."

What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

My teacher said when covid is over she is burning all her masks in her house I told her

Mask genocide is illegal

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

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A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

How did Tiger Woods manage to burn down his house?

Coz he got rid of all his hose.

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How did the hipster burn his rectum?

He put a light bulb in his butt before it was cool.

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Guess I should cooked it at aloha temperature

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