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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

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A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids!

Priest: Do we have time?

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

With Matthew McConaughey Rumored as Two Face, How Will They Show His Burns?

I hope it's all right, all right, all right

After our house burned down, the cops told us that it could be someone we know.

I asked my wife, “Could it be arson?”

Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.

She: How?

Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

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A priest and a teacher are running out of a burning school.

The priest yells to the teacher “but what about the kids?!”

“Fuck the kids,” yelled the teacher.

The priest then asks, “Do we even have time for that?”

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

My friend's bakery burned down last night.

Now his business is toast.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

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A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"

"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."

"And what about the other ear?"

The woman scoffed.

"The fuc...

What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

I might have burned to death giving head in the world's most promiscuous bathroom...

...but at least I went down in a blaze of glory.

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A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for burning $1 bills?

Police got a report of hot singles in his area.

The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

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A priest and a rabbi are running out of a burning school

"What about the children?!?!?!" Asked the priest
"Fuck the children!!!!" Said the rabbi
The men continue running
"Wait,Will we have time?"

Why did the Englishman and the Aussie want to burn the other?

They wanted The Ashes.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down?

All that was left was de-brie.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

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A Catholic church is burning down

There is a group of choir boys and 2 priest

The priest ask the other priest if they had enough time to save the kids.

He turns around and says "nah fuck em"

The other priest replies " Its gonna be close, might have enough time for a few"

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

What do you call a burning redneck?

A ***Fire Cracker***

How many trees have been burned in the Amazon so far?

Roughly 5 Brazilion

The local shoe factory burned down.

Thankfully no soles were lost.

Mom Burn

Taken off of Twitter:



*My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.*

*Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.*

*Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.*

*I’m going to nee...

I burned a wheelchair today.

HOT WHEELS!

President Trump‘s personal library burned down

Both of his books have turned into ashes. He couldn’t even finish colouring the second one.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

Why do hippies always burn their mouths?

Because they drank tea before it was cool

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happ...

A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

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A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist were all at a mental hospital.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”

The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”

The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”

The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”

The pyromaniac says, ...

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

What did Darth Vader say to the severe burn victim?

I find your lack of face disturbing.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

What do you call it when Asgardian trees burn?

A thorest fire

I'm still treating my burn

Older Englishman and I like to trade insults at work, and this happened...

Him: Oh dear, was having a good day and you show up.

Me: Don't make me start another Revolution to kick the rest of the English out.

Him (instantly): Well, you've been revolting for years.

Pyromaniac

A pyromaniac teenager decides to burn his family's house down. The cops approach his parents and say, "Looks like someone left the stove on."




"Oh, no," They replied, "it was arson."

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My wife told me to go the gym and burn some calories

So I went and set some fat kids on fire

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

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A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

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A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

What do you call a dinosaur good at healing burns?

An aloesaurus

A man crashed and burned to death last night during a police chase.

He was incarcinerated.

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Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)

Coles.

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As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

Old man Haskins was caught fahv stories high in a burning building...

Waren't no ladder tall enough to rescue im'!


With mah quick thinkin', Ah saved the day!


"Old man Haskins!" I hollers up to 'im "tie this rope 'round yer waist!"


So I throwed the rope up to him, he tied it tight 'round his waist, and I pulled him down!

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I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

Its doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

I burn really easily in the sun.

*on

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

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In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

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