UPJOKE
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Burn Jokes

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...
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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.
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How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank black coffee before it was cool.
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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.
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A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...
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What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.
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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen
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Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke
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My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
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Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN

Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN

Priest 1 : Do we have time?

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Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...
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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...
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I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)
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I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.
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I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

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My favorite burn…

Don’t worry, the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
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What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

How did Helen Keller burn her fingertips?

She was trying to read the waffle iron.
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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...
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How do you heal burns in The Matrix?

Neo-Sporin
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What did the fire fighter say when the brothel was burning down?

>!We are gonna need more hose!<
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The Donald Trump Presidential Library burned down last week.

Sadly, both books were lost, and one of them had just barely been coloured in.
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Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one
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What do a burned pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn't pull out in time

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in

Hello
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How did the hipster burn his fingertips?

He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.


[rimshot]
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Did you hear about the old Nintendo console which burned down a house?

Turns out Wii *did* start the fire.
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A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
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The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant
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Why do Jedi's always burn their pancakes?

They refuse to turn to the darkside.
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Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
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Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started.

"I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

A Blonde guy burned two ears...

So they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''
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You shouldn’t hate everyone who comes to your house to ‘save you or you’ll burn’

Sometimes they’re firemen
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Ever hear about the guy who lit his fart on fire to burn his house down?

He got charged with ARSEn!

After many years of Burning Man, the organizers decided to change the theme this year.

For the first time in history, we welcome you all to Drowning Man Festival.
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Our local fire station burned down last night.

Someone must've left the irony on.
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My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.
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What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!
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Why do hipsters always burn their mouths?

They eat their food before it gets cool!
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Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
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Know what really burns my butt?

Flames three feet high.

Little Timmy is burned out working retail, so he goes to a career fair to consult a counsellor...

Timmy says "Hey Mr. Counsellor, I'm burned out, I don't like my current job and I want a career change, what do you recommend for me?"


Counsellor: "Well tell me about yourself, and what you look for in a job?"


Timmy: "I'm an introvert, I don't like to socialize, I hate it ...
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My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.
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I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.
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A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

I just burned 1200 calories...

I left the pizza in the oven too long.
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Two guys are in a burning building

"Let's jump out of the window" says the first one.

"What floor are we on?" Answers the other.

"Thirteenth."

"What? Thirteenth? There is no way I jump from here!"

"Come on, now, it's no time to be superstitious."
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The orphanage I work at burned down

At least I don't have to call anyone's family.
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Did you hear about the bakery that burned down?

That business is toast now.
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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower
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My partner asked me " What's 'burning man'? "

Apparently 'my urethra' was not a wise answer.
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A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get...
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Did you hear the Mississippi governor’s mansion burned down?

It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.
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When a man has money to burn...

...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.
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IT Dept Gets Burned

Saw this in our IT help chat at work today:

What’s the difference between our IT support and a cyber attack?

One of them has the incentive to succeed.
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Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
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Burn

A family is driving along the countryside when they see a herd of cows grazing alongside the road. The wife says to her husband “Look it’s your family!” and the husband replies
“You’re right they’re my in laws!”
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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...
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How did the Jamaican burn his dick?

Jerking it.

What Are The Three Parts Of A Wood-Burning Stove?

Lifter, legs, and poker.
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"How'd the book burning go last night?"

"It was all Reich"
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Mom Burn

Taken off of Twitter:



*My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.*

*Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.*

*Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.*

*I’m going to nee...
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What happened to the guy who fell into burning coals at the bonfire?

He got really EMBER-ASSED.
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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

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They say that, during sex, you burn off as many calories as running right miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Edit: I appreciate all the real jokes in the comments.

As for the guy who invented autocorrect, well, there's a special place in she'll for him.

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You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

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How did the hipster burn his rectum?

He put a light bulb in his butt before it was cool.

They say the people burning books are just a vocal minority

But I don't see the police harassing them?
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What does a gamer and a burn victim both say

I can’t wait to try out my new skin
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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...
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You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.
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