My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

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Two buddies are out hiking in the woods. One goes to take a piss, and gets bit in the dick by a rattlesnake

His buddy calls 911 to ask what to do

911 tells him he needs to suck the venom out of the snakebite on his friend’s dick

The snakebite guy yells out “what did they say!?!?”

His friend responds, “they said you’re gonna die”

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

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What do venomous snakes and condoms have in common?

It's better not fucking with either of them.

Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other, "Hey, are we venomous?"

The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "because I just bit my tongue."

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

I remember the day my son found out the neighbor's python wasn't venomous

he was crushed.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”

The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabb...

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

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Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob calls a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis" the doctor tol...

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

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Two guys are camping in the outback

They have been drinking quite heavily and one goes to take a piss in the bush.

A few minutes later he hears a scream and his mate comes back holding his penis.

“Fuck mate, i went to take a piss and pissed right down the hole of an eastern brown snake, he flew out and bit me right on ...

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

Do you want to watch the movie "Venom", about Spider-Man's archenemy, before it hits theaters? Easy!

You just have to navigate the dark web...

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

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Two men go camping

One of them has to take a leak. He ccomes back and says "A snake bit my dick".
The other one calls the ambulance and the doctor on the phone says "You have to suck the venom out"
The friend asks "So what's gonna happen"
The other one says "You're gonna fucking die"

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Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.

Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings

Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospit...

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

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Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them gets his penis bitten by a poisonus snake.

The first hunter tries to call for help, but he has no service so he climbs up a high tree while his friend waits for him in agony at the bottom. Almost at the top, he finally gets a signal on his phone ...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

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John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.

Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”

The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom ou...

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

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My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker....

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

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Two men went camping.

They head out of town to a remote place in the woods.

While setting up the tent one of the men gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his dick.

The man was in pain and couldn’t move.

“I’ll run to town and ask the doctor what I need to do” said the second man.

The second man ran ...

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

My friend playing golf gets bit by a snake on his genitalia

I ran up to the clubhouse;
"My buddy got bitten by a venomous snake, how do I save him"

"You gotta suck out the venom, and quickly"
So I ran back to my friend,

"What'd he say? What'd he say?"

"You're gonna die..."

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

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Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.

Frank finds the local medicine man ...

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Two friends are hiking through the woods..

When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis.

Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation.

The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die."

The man thanks the doct...

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe...

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Two guys hiking in the mountains

There were two guys hiking in the mountains far away from any towns. A venomous snake, from out of no where bites one of the guys on the penis and slithers away. The one guy is on the ground in pain and tells his friend to go to the nearest town to find a doctor. He sets off as fast as he can to the...

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Two men are out golfing one day and one decides to take a piss...

... the other man waits patiently, waiting for his friend to return from the bushes. All the sudden, he hears his friend yelp followed by his friend dashing from the bushes.

The man who was waiting started to freak out and asked his friend what had happened.

His friend responded with "...

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

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A man is at his wife's funeral

"My condolences. I can't imagine how terrible it must've been to lose a wife."

"That's okay, I'm used to it. This is the fourth time I got married and my wife died. My first wife died after eating a venomous mushroom."

"How about your second wife?"

"She ate a venomous mushroom."...

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The toughest cowboy

Three cowboys were sitting around the fire telling ole cowboy stories to prove how tough they were. The first cowboy said " One time there was a ragin' bull, runnin' wild in the town, destroyin' everything! So I ran em' down, grabbed em' by the horns and resettled him to the ground ". The second cow...

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While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"

So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. Th...

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Two Friends Hiking

One day, two men were hiking on a mountainside.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a piss." says the first guy.
"Yah sure." says the second guy.
While the first guy is taking a pee, he gets bit by a venomous snake on his penis.
"Help!" screams the first guy, "I just got bit by a snake, go and get som...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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Three Cowboys are gathered around a fire...

It’s a lonesome night on the prairie, three cowboys with the bravado in which cowboys are famous are gathered around a fire, and a night of tall tales commences...

The first cowboy says “Just the other day, a bull got loose on the coral and gouged six men before I wrestled him down with my ba...

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A man gets bitten by a poisonous snake..

A man and his friend is walking in the desert when suddenly his friend is bit by a poisonous snake directly in the penis. The man says to his friend, "Don't worry I'll run into town and get help, I'll be right back!"


The man gets into town and finds the local doctor and asks "My friend wa...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls ...

Two Australian men are in the Outback

Two Australian men are in the Outback to survey land that they'll build a mine on. Suddenly, one of the men screams out in pain, and his friend runs over to him.

"What the hell happened mate?"

"That bloody snake over there bit me on the dong!" The man points to a rattlesnake some ways...

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Just two people hiking

Two best friends, john and joe, were hiking up a mountain. They came to a point where they had to crawl, and a poisonous rattlesnake happened to bite john in the dick. "Run to the doctor in the village, he's the only one around, see if he can cure it!" So joe ran to the doctor, and asked,"a rattlesn...

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got b...

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks ...

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Two friends were walking in the Amazon...

Two friends were walking in the Amazon and by their surprise, a snake flew out of the bushes and bit one of the men on his dick.
He shouted and grabbed the snake and threw it. His friend was concerned that it could be poisonous, so he volunteered to run to the nearby village to find a medicine ma...

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Two friends went on a hike...

when suddenly one of the friends needed to go pee.

While he was peeing a snake jumped out and bit the guy on the penis. He called his friend to come and help.

They two friends did not know what to do so they called 911.

The 911 dispatcher explained that the helicopter was on ...

Snake Bite

John and Jake was walking in the woods when John decided to take a leak in a bush. While Jake waited for John to finish his business he heard John screamed and ran to him.

John: "JAKE HELP!"

Jake: "what happened?"

John: "a snake bit my d***!"

Jake: "hang on i will call...

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Two guys in the go hiking.

Two guys go hiking up a trail. As they are walking on the trail, one of the guys get bitten on the dick by a venomous snake. So the second guy runs around trying to get reception to to call a doctor. Finally, he gets reception and calls the doctor. He briefly describes what happens and the doctor as...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

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Camping with your friend

Two friends are camping and they're sitting around the fire when one gets up to take a leak. He starts screaming "A snake bit my dick! A snake bit my dick!" His friend calms him down and ensures that he'll call a doctor. Once he calls the doctor, he starts to relay the doctors instructions to his fr...

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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

Rich Man and the Ranch

A rich man owns a multi-million dollar ranch in Puerto Rico. One day, his ranch supervisor, Paco, calls him on the phone.
"Yes, Paco, what is it?" says the Rich Man.
"Well, Señor, I have some bad news. Your prize thoroughbred, he has died."
"My thoroughbred? I was going to make millions...

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Rassis and Leroy are camping...

So Rassis and his buddy Leroy are camping. Rassis is off taking a piss in the woods, when suddenly a rattlesnake bites him right in the penis. He yells for help and Leroy comes running. Rassis looks at Leroy and says, "Leroy, I got bit. Go get a doctor. Quickly." Leroy goes running into town and goe...

Cowboy gets bit by a snake on his willie ..

2 Cowboys riding the range stop to pee. While peeing, the first cowboy gets bit by a rattlesnake on his willie. He tells the 2nd cowboy to ride to town & get Doc. Smith. The 2nd cowboy rides to Doc Smith and tells him his friend got bit by a rattlesnake. Doc Smith says he has to delivery a baby ...

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"Two men walk into a desert..."

Two men walk into a desert and a very venomous snake clenches it's teeth in one of the men's dick.


Panicked man: *"I'm going to die!"*

Friend: *"No you're not!"*


The friend immediately calls 911 and asks the operator what he should do.


Operator: *"There is on...

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