UPJOKE
dosecontraceptiveaspirinmedicationtablettylenollozengeplacebotherapydosagedrugsuppositorylaxativepenicillinsleeping pill

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

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The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to increase the wetness in women.

They're calling it Niagra.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

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A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

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I asked my grandma if she’s seen my pill bottle with the text “LSD” on it..

She replied: “Fuck the bottle, look at this dragon here in our kitchen!”

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.



She just couldn't take it any longer.

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A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

You should never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

A rich guy visits a doctor for a little blue pill

The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.

20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn't home but the maid is there.

Doctor says, well... try it out with the maid.

Patient rep...

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

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My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

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NSFW (Joke Translated from Arabic) A man goes to the pharmacy for Viagra...

He askes the pharmacist if the viagra really works and will make him last long?

The pharmacist says "yes! And now the box is on sale for $15.00!"

The man says "I only have a $20.00, can you make change?"

The pharmacist does not have change. So the man takes his little blue pill...

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

What do you call it when Anti-Anxiety pills take over a whole pharmacy?

A Xannexation

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I gave my friend penis enlargement pills

She didn’t like it very much

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

so a couple is arguing about their love life

Why do I have to be on the pill instead of you using a condom? What are you contributing with? The woman yelled. The man took a deep breath and simply answered, I drink so you don't need to wear a paperbag.

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

Did you hear that Trump is a spokesman for a new erectile dysfunction pill?

It’s called “Ensurerection”

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Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

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Big Chief , Dirty Bum

A Chieftain living in a Tribe makes his way to modern Society to get help from a Doctor as he has been constipated for weeks and hasn't even been able to fartt... Finally gets to the doctor.

Chieftain: "Big Chief , No fart"...

Doctor: "I understand take this very potent 1 inch pill and...

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A farmer is leading his prize bull to market.

Suddenly, the bull collapses in the lane outside the vet’s house.

The farmer runs up to the house, knocks on the door and asks the vet to help.

The vet looks the bull over and says, “I know what you need.” He goes back to the house and returns with two enormous red pills. The vet say...

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” asked Grandpa.

“$10.00 a pill,” answered the son.

...

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

A man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately.

The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill wi...

Just announced, there is now a morning after pill for men.

It changes your blood type.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

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Elder man can't sleep

An elder at the pharmacist:

"Doctor, I haven't been able to sleep at night for 2 days! Can you give me something?"

The pharmacist:

"Try these sleeping pill suppositories, they are very effective!"

The day after:

"Doctor, do you have anything less powerful?

T...

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

My dog takes multiple medecines every day.

You could say he's a bit of a pill-pupper.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She UNLOADS on the doctor. "Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They're all telling me I fart all the time, and it's just plain rude of them!

"Oh really?" The doctor says.

"YEAH! They're ALL silent so I have no idea why they'd point them out. On top of all that, for them t...

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My dick is like a pill

It's small but very effective

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

Pharmacy inquiry

A woman walks into her local pharmacy and approaches the pharmacist and tells him she wants to know more about 'the little blue pill'



Woman: "does it work?"

Pharmacist: "yes"

Woman:"is it expensive?"



Pharmacist: "a little"

Woman: "can you get it ove...

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull; he doesn't seem to be interested in the cows. So he goes to the vet who prescribes a course of pills for the bull.

A few weeks later, a friend comes by and asks Farmer Giles how the bull is getting on.

"Just great!" says ...

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

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What do you call a box of viagra pills?

An expansion pack.

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

The...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on his homeopathy pills?

He forgot to take them.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise, I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her...

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I got a viagra pill stuck in my throat

Had a stiff neck for days

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

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So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

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Two Viagra pills walked into a bar

They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What...

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

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Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said "you know you wanna"

Jill said yes and lifted up her dress they had some fun

But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son

A man goes to the doctor, complaining about numbness in his arm.

The doctor prescribes him a bottle of pills.

"Tomorrow morning, take 1 pill from this bottle. The day after that, take 2 pills, then 3 the next day and so on." The doctor tells the man.

Several days later, the man comes back panicking.

"Doctor, you gotta help me! I took twice as...

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

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I asked my wife to talk to her doctor about a treatment that would make her more interested in sex...

...she came home and dropped a prescription bottle of diet pills on my lap with MY name on it.

Woman goes to the doctor...

Doctor prescribed her some pills and she asks:
"Hey Doc., can I take these pills with my period?"
- Doc: "Ermm.... sure, but I'd recommend chugging them down with water!..."

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

Why are pills white?

Because they work.

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”...

“Oh, that it’ll be the side effects”

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An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”

She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

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What does general grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

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The president took some dick enlargement pills

He's 6'3 now

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A Man Goes to the Doctor About His Erectile Dysfunction

“Doc I can’t perform in bed and it’s killing my dating life.”


The doctor replies, “I have just the thing,” and hands the man a bottle of pills. “These will allow you to get an erection, but only when lying on your back. Just tell her she should be on top.”
The man agrees to try it, des...

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

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"Honey I brought you a pill for your headache"

"But I don't have a headache"

"Perfect, let's have sex then"

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

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A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

My roommate was mad I woke him up at 3am but he forgot something important

He hadn't taken his sleeping pills.

What did the unluckiest lucky man do when he found the pill of immortality?

He choked on it.

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

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Better than a sleeping pill

Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, "I'm really concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep. I don't know how to help her". His buddy thought about it for a moment and said, "I think I have the perfect solution. My wife used to have the same problem so every...

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Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

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It's not easy being a pill tester at the Viagra production facility...

The workers are always hard at work.

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A condom broke last month. I freaked out and went to the pharmacy, and they told me to use the morning after pill.

That shit doesn't work. I took two and she's still pregnant.

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An armed gang intercepted and drove away a truckload of viagra pills.

Police are on the hunt for hardened criminals..

If there was a pill that made you stop procrastinating

I would probably take it tomorrow

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle

“Welcome to adulthood, son.”

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I take dick like I take pills

On the floor sobbing

I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

I had a heart attack at the age of 37

Doctor: It’s hereditary. With your family history, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently…

Doctor: but now you need to stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs…

Doctor: and you need to start exercising, and going jogging…

Doctor: and you need to change your diet. You ca...

Why did the Hispanic man die after taking three pills?

Because it was over-dos!

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

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A man asked his doctor for 3 Viagra pills one day.

"I need one for each woman coming over tonight, doc." The man stated.

On reasonable request, the doctor gave him the pills.

The next day, the man came back to his doctor, but this time, his arm was in a cast.

"What happened?" His doctor questioned.

"The girls never showed...

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Sometimes my girlfriend takes her sleeping pill, passes out and initiates sex.

We call it the reverse Cosby.

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