My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection....

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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I take dick like I take pills

On the floor sobbing

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

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*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

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My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

What pill do you take to go to sleep?

A pillow.

Why did the Hispanic man die after taking three pills?

Because it was over-dos!

My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle

“Welcome to adulthood, son.”

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

What is the Spanish word for accidentally taking a second sleeping pill?

Tambien™

Smart Pills

A poor man who has no money decides to paint peas different colors and sell them at a market, labeling them as smart pills for $5 a piece.

A man walks over to his booth and buys a 'pill.'
Doesn't seem to comprehend

He decides to buy another one.
Still not hitting him

He bu...

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

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A man asked his doctor for 3 Viagra pills one day.

"I need one for each woman coming over tonight, doc." The man stated.

On reasonable request, the doctor gave him the pills.

The next day, the man came back to his doctor, but this time, his arm was in a cast.

"What happened?" His doctor questioned.

"The girls never showed...

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

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Did you hear about the new pill that's going up against Viagra?

The competition is stiff

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Accidentally mixed up my sleeping pills with my viagra.

Ended up having 40 wanks.

What do you call a domineering pill bug?

A controly-poly!

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

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An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”

She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

What did the unluckiest lucky man do when he found the pill of immortality?

He choked on it.

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Today at work my co workers made fun of me when I explained to them I'm constipated and that's why I was taking pills

I really couldn't give a shit.

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You know why they only sell penis enlargement pills legally?

Because they don't sell well on the black market.

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?

They become mummies.

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Doctor, Doctor! Can I have some sleeping pills for my husband?

Doctor: Why's that?

Woman: The relsiliant twit woke up again...

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They say that using penis enlargement pills can affect my IQ and make me easily irritated.

What a load of bullshit, and I don’t even have that fucking stupid Apple product.

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain.

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My doc gave me these new anxiety pills he calls anti-viagra, and they really work...

I don't give a fuck.

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

If there was a pill that made you stop procrastinating

I would probably take it tomorrow

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

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An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

You know the joke where a guy tells another guy to eat rabbit pellets saying that they are "smart pills"?

The second guy comes back the next day and says, "Hey, these are rabbit pellets! They're not smart pills at all!"

And the first guy says, "You see, they're working already."

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

Why arent pills allowed in Africa?

Because you can't take them on an empty stomach.

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A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

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A condom broke last month. I freaked out and went to the pharmacy, and they told me to use the morning after pill.

That shit doesn't work. I took two and she's still pregnant.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

I was struck by a bottle of omega 3 pills...

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

I had bad diarrhea so I went to the doctor; they gave me some pills and said I should take one after each 'episode.'

Unfortunately all the episodes are re-runs.

What's the difference between the red pill and the blue pill?

The blue pill makes you harder.

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Sometimes my girlfriend takes her sleeping pill, passes out and initiates sex.

We call it the reverse Cosby.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

My friend thinks he’s high from taking homeopathic pills.

I said, “That’s an oxy, moron!”

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

My friend keeps lying about how he didn't steal my sleeping pills

Whatever helps him sleep at night.

Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills?

Because it was an over dos.

Why are pills white?

Because they work.

Did you know you can get nitroglycerine pills to cure sickness?

Yep, just pop one and you'll never be sick again.

I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

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What company is going to start selling pills that are the opposite of Viagra?

Ubisoft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should work together to make a penis enlargement pill.

They would be called elongates.

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

I ate a pill that would made me immortal today

I accidently choked to death while swallowing it

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My wife handed me some viagra and told me that as I've never given her an orgasm, maybe this could help.

That was a hard pill to swallow.

Birth control pills should be for men.

It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?

A trunkquilizer.

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Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

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I took those penis enlargement pills

It's starting to get out of hand

I started using sleeping pills yesterday

Rest assured they worked

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

I’ve just bought anti-anxiety pills

But I’m too afraid to take them

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

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Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..

So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're gettin...

My coworker asked me why all the Plan B pills kept getting stolen

I told her it was probably because they were easier to steal than vacuums

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A man goes to the pharmacists and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills

A man goes to the pharmacist and asks for 3 1/2 Viagra pills.

The pharmacist is confused and asks “why 3 1/2?”

The man responds. "Well, Monday I am going to see my mistress and I need two. I need one for Wednesday with my wife. And on Friday, I am going to the sauna and it just needs ...

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Did you hear about the magician who lost his viagra pill?

Talk about misdirection!

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Wife goes to the doctor complaining that her husband farts unbelievably in his sleep. It smells so bad that it has become unbearable sleeping in the same room.

She tells the doctor that her husband won't come to see a doctor because he doesn't believe he has a farting problem.

Doctor suggests some pills but the wife refuses saying that the husband won't take them. The doctor, confused as why then she is there, tells her jokingly, "why don't you the...

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Sleeping Pills

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need sleeping pills".

"Why, what's going on?", replies the doctor.

"I have these two songs constantly stuck in my head and I can't sleep! You've got to help me!", implores the man.

"Well which two songs?" asks the doctor....

Bill struggled to get up early in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss got fed up of his being late always and so threatened to fire him if he didn't get his act together.

So Bill went to see his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it just before going to bed.

Bill did this, and slept very well and actually beat the alarm clock by two...

My patient got upset at me for laughing when I told her that pill wasn't a suppository...

I guess she took it the wrong way.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

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I tried Viagra once but the pill got stuck in my throat.

It gave me a stiff neck.

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A grandpa tells his teen grandson: "I will put 100 dollars under your pillow if you can find me a viagra pill right now". Ten minutes later grandson gives grandpa a viagra pill.

Next morning grandson looks under his pillow and finds 1,100 dollars. He goes to grandpa and says: "Grandpa what happened? Why did you give me 1,000 dollars more?" and grandpa says: "I only gave you 100 dollars. The rest is from your granny"

I went to my doctor today and said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."

The doctor peered over his glasses and asked, "Why do you think that, Mr. Hatter?"

"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."

"I wouldn't worry about that." he replied. "Those are just side effects."

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Smartenin' pills

This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch. Then he would take the lunch and eat it!

So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this. Now his A...

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I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...

But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?

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