Why are bacteria bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If glycolosis is the splitting of glucose, and bacteriolysis is the splitting of bacteria...

then what the fuck is analysis?

My friend likes to grow bacteria from his yogurt like I do

I see he's a man of culture as well

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

What’s the name of E. coli bacteria’s sibling?

Bro coli

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

What do you call bacteria that likes to party?

A fungi

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

The bacteria on U2's guitar player are total badasses.

They are living on The Edge.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

What do you call a non-amateur live bacteria?

A Pro-Biotic

Why should we support bacteria?

They're the only culture some people have.

Where do bacteria like to vacation?

Germany

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

You should know much bacteria is on raw meat.

Lives are at steak.

A Bacteria walks into a bar...

A bacteria walks into a bar and goes to walk into the kitchen. The bartender stops him and says, "hey, you're not allowed in there". the bacteria replies, "no, it's ok, I'm staff."

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another?

He experiences culture shock.

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

Which country has the most number of bacteria, viruses, fungus and other micro-organisms?

GerMany

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar...

of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

Yo mama's like bacteria

...she procreates every 30 minutes and causes diseases.

(Just came in my mind a few moments ago)

Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

Why do bacteria congregate in public places?

It's a part of their culture.

Yo momma so fat

Doctors say she has a flesh eating bacteria.....

She’ll only live for 75 more years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Free Sex

So this girl came up to me and she said she would have sex with me and all I had to do was advertise some cleaner, but I didn't, because my will is strong, just as strong as Lysol cleaner with bleach. Perfect for killing bacteria in the kitchen, bathroom, and all over the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, the organs of the digestive system were having a discussion over which organ was the best...

The mouth says:"I think I'm the best, because I can cut up food to small pieces with my sharp teeth,"

the oesophagus says:"But I think I'm the best, because I'm so muscular,"

the stomach says: "Well I think I'm the best, because I kill bacteria and break down food with my acid."
...

Yo' mama so fat--

Bacterias can't leave her body due to her gravitational force.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

After years of working in a hospital, I've become a bit of a germaphobe.

I just do NOT believe that Bacteria should have the right to get married.