Why are bacteria bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!"

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

What do you call a rude and isolated bacteria?

Uncultured.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

What does the boss bacteria call his employees?

His staph

Why do bacteria wait 5 seconds before touching food?

They first need to skip an ad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the bacteria that live at the bottom of toilet bowls?

They have no idea the shit they're in.

Where do all the bacteria live?

Germany.

What do you call bacteria that likes to party?

A fungi

What’s the name of E. coli bacteria’s sibling?

Bro coli

Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area.

The barman says “get out!”

The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If glycolosis is the splitting of glucose, and bacteriolysis is the splitting of bacteria...

then what the fuck is analysis?

Support Bacteria

Now I don't do that, though. Now I merely go about my day. I hike to the Gardens, where the dogplants sprout up in bizarre shapes from the floor of the dogscape, and reach up to pluck the fetal puppyfruits right off the wagging, energetic branches. I bite into the succulent flesh, the juices dribbli...

Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

My friend likes to grow bacteria from his yogurt like I do

I see he's a man of culture as well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Did you hear about the biologist who grew a new bacteria that affected all races equally?

It was a PC culture.

Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space...

They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

The bacteria on U2's guitar player are total badasses.

They are living on The Edge.

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

Why should we support bacteria?

They're the only culture some people have.

A Bacteria walks into a bar...

A bacteria walks into a bar and goes to walk into the kitchen. The bartender stops him and says, "hey, you're not allowed in there". the bacteria replies, "no, it's ok, I'm staff."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

One hundred bacteria walk into a bar...

of soap and get eradicated. There is only one survivor.

Who do you call when the church has bacteria?

Pasteur Louis

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another?

He experiences culture shock.

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

I don't want acne,

But bacteria in cyst

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Bacteria

Yo mama's like bacteria

...she procreates every 30 minutes and causes diseases.

(Just came in my mind a few moments ago)

Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

Why do bacteria congregate in public places?

It's a part of their culture.

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

Yo momma so fat

Doctors say she has a flesh eating bacteria.....

She’ll only live for 75 more years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Sex

So this girl came up to me and she said she would have sex with me and all I had to do was advertise some cleaner, but I didn't, because my will is strong, just as strong as Lysol cleaner with bleach. Perfect for killing bacteria in the kitchen, bathroom, and all over the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, the organs of the digestive system were having a discussion over which organ was the best...

The mouth says:"I think I'm the best, because I can cut up food to small pieces with my sharp teeth,"

the oesophagus says:"But I think I'm the best, because I'm so muscular,"

the stomach says: "Well I think I'm the best, because I kill bacteria and break down food with my acid."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

Yo' mama so fat--

Bacterias can't leave her body due to her gravitational force.

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