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Bacteria Jokes

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

A little bacteria was celebrating his birthday...

and all of his microbial friends got together to bake him a cake.

He was so excited upon seeing the cake that he underwent mitosis and split in two.

The microbial friends all worried that now there werent enough cakes, and that perhaps they should have planned better...

But actu...

What does the boss bacteria call his employees?

His staph

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

Why are bacteria so bad at maths?

Because they multiply by dividing.

What did the bacteria say when it successfully divided?

Fission accomplished!

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

How do you talk with bacteria?

By cellphone.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

A bacteria walked into a bar and was told by the bartender, "We don't serve bacteria here."

The bacteria said, "But I work here -- I'm staph."



credit: Princeton Review 2021 GMAT Prep Book

We've heard about the plastic eating bacteria:

Now it's time for the kardashians to hide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

Microbiology joke

Two bacteria walk into a bar and start pouring themselves pints.

The bartender tells them that customers aren't allowed on this side of the bar.

The bacteria say, "We're not customers, we're staph."

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

What do you call bacteria that likes to party?

A fungi

What’s the name of E. coli bacteria’s sibling?

Bro coli

Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

My favorite jokes are about bacteria.

They’re no-brainers.

Why should we support bacteria?

They're the only culture some people have.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the bacteria that live at the bottom of toilet bowls?

They have no idea the shit they're in.

My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.

When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : "it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye"

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

Where do bacteria like to vacation?

Germany

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

My friend likes to grow bacteria from his yogurt like I do

I see he's a man of culture as well

The bacteria on U2's guitar player are total badasses.

They are living on The Edge.

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

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Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

A Bacteria walks into a bar...

A bacteria walks into a bar and goes to walk into the kitchen. The bartender stops him and says, "hey, you're not allowed in there". the bacteria replies, "no, it's ok, I'm staff."

Why do bacteria congregate in public places?

It's a part of their culture.

Scientists recently found a type of gut bacteria that can survive in deep space...

They're now going to use them in a mission to colonize Mars.

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

The Special

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender ...

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another?

He experiences culture shock.

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

Yo momma so fat

Doctors say she has a flesh eating bacteria.....

She’ll only live for 75 more years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The incredible human machine

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

* The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

Yo mama's like bacteria

...she procreates every 30 minutes and causes diseases.

(Just came in my mind a few moments ago)

I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.

I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.

I don't want acne,

But bacteria in cyst

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Interesting fact:

Before cyanobacteria, the progenitor of photosynthesis, earth was mostly oxygen-poor and dominated by anaerobic (can live in and thrive without oxygen) bacteria. Most of these bacteria were strict anaerobes, meaning oxygen would kill them. After cyanobacteria evolved, earth became flooded with oxyge...

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Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Bacteria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Sex

So this girl came up to me and she said she would have sex with me and all I had to do was advertise some cleaner, but I didn't, because my will is strong, just as strong as Lysol cleaner with bleach. Perfect for killing bacteria in the kitchen, bathroom, and all over the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian housewife wants husband to go down on her.

One evening while making Lasagna for her husband, Giosetta began to wonder why her husband, Giuseppe had never attempted to perform cunnilingus on her. Frustrated, she worked up the courage and flat out asked him, "Giuseppe, why you never no kiss me down here!?"(motioning to her crotch). Giuseppe, s...

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German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

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