Why are bacteria bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?

It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

What does the boss bacteria call his employees?

His staph

A little bacteria was celebrating his birthday...

and all of his microbial friends got together to bake him a cake.

He was so excited upon seeing the cake that he underwent mitosis and split in two.

The microbial friends all worried that now there werent enough cakes, and that perhaps they should have planned better...

But actu...

We've heard about the plastic eating bacteria:

Now it's time for the kardashians to hide.

What do you call a rude and isolated bacteria?

Uncultured.

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

A bacteria walked into a bar and was told by the bartender, "We don't serve bacteria here."

The bacteria said, "But I work here -- I'm staph."



credit: Princeton Review 2021 GMAT Prep Book

Which country has the most bacteria?

Germany

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

My favorite jokes are about bacteria.

They’re no-brainers.

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

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A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

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You know the bacteria that live at the bottom of toilet bowls?

They have no idea the shit they're in.

New technology uses bacteria to power a laptop

I guess you could say the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the dell

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

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Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

What’s the name of E. coli bacteria’s sibling?

Bro coli

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

My friend likes to grow bacteria from his yogurt like I do

I see he's a man of culture as well

A bacteria mom, once, took her infected son to the doctor.

The doctor said, "He's going through a phage..."

What do you call bacteria that likes to party?

A fungi

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

The bacteria on U2's guitar player are total badasses.

They are living on The Edge.

Did you hear about the biologist who grew a new bacteria that affected all races equally?

It was a PC culture.

Why should we support bacteria?

They're the only culture some people have.

Support Bacteria

Now I don't do that, though. Now I merely go about my day. I hike to the Gardens, where the dogplants sprout up in bizarre shapes from the floor of the dogscape, and reach up to pluck the fetal puppyfruits right off the wagging, energetic branches. I bite into the succulent flesh, the juices dribbli...

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

Why did the ambassador have extra resistance to harmful foreign bacteria?

He had diplomatic immunity.

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

Why Can't you see the bacteria in milk?

Because it gets past-your-eyes (pasteurized)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: how is your bacteria converted into lactose, mixed with some sugar and milk and fruit to give it that nice extra flavor?

Friend: It's called yogurt asshole

Bob: Hey I heard that exercise kills bacteria.

Jim: Well how the hell are we supposed to get them to exercise?

How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail?

They exchange cell numbers.

What happens to a bacteria when he travels from his home colony to another?

He experiences culture shock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact:

Before cyanobacteria, the progenitor of photosynthesis, earth was mostly oxygen-poor and dominated by anaerobic (can live in and thrive without oxygen) bacteria. Most of these bacteria were strict anaerobes, meaning oxygen would kill them. After cyanobacteria evolved, earth became flooded with oxyge...

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

A Bacteria walks into a bar...

A bacteria walks into a bar and goes to walk into the kitchen. The bartender stops him and says, "hey, you're not allowed in there". the bacteria replies, "no, it's ok, I'm staff."

Why do bacteria congregate in public places?

It's a part of their culture.

Yo momma so fat

Doctors say she has a flesh eating bacteria.....

She’ll only live for 75 more years.

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

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Free Sex

So this girl came up to me and she said she would have sex with me and all I had to do was advertise some cleaner, but I didn't, because my will is strong, just as strong as Lysol cleaner with bleach. Perfect for killing bacteria in the kitchen, bathroom, and all over the house.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Bacteria

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The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
...

Yo mama's like bacteria

...she procreates every 30 minutes and causes diseases.

(Just came in my mind a few moments ago)

I don't want acne,

But bacteria in cyst

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD.

Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"

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