UPJOKE
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In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I,II,III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning

Runs in the family

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

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I have poisoned each of my ex-boyfriends with a whole bottle of Viagra, and I’m going to do it again when this guy breaks up with me

I wish I could stop, but old habits die hard.

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.

About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.

Mendel says "So, what do you think?"...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Poison

A worried man goes to see his priest.

"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."

Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging ...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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John and Jack go hiking in the woods

Two best friends, John and Jack, decide to go for a hike in the woods. Halfway into their hike, Jack has to pee and goes behind a tree. After a few moments John hears Jack screaming his head off and rushes to go help him.

John finds Jack laying on the ground grabbing his crotch screaming, wit...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

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Three mice are sitting in a bar…

bragging about how tough they are. First mouse says, “Listen mice, I’m so tough, I bench press the bar on a rat trap every morning.” Second mousse sneers, “Ha! I put rat poison in my cereal, and eat two bowls for breakfast every morning!” The third mouse finishes his beer, belches, and says, “Pussi...

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

I had a pretty bad case of food poisoning this week. After a couple of days I decided it was time to update my pronouns.

Her/She/Squirts

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

If you have poison in your veins

Would you call that toxic vasculinity?

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!

"Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi

"No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!"

"Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her".

Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife...

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

Bubba and Roy were hiking through the forest when Roy suddenly had the urge to take a leak.

He unzips his pants and by the time a good stream started, a rattlesnake popped up out of the grass and bit Roy right on the head of his pecker.

Roy stumbled away and screamed for Bubba, who came running over. Roy quickly explained what had happened and the shocked Bubba grabbed his phone and...

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

What do you get when you mix cyanide and water together?

Poisoned.

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

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3 men get lost

3 men get lost whilst hiking in the Amazon one day, a French man, an English man, and a New Yorker. When trying to find help a tribe of indigenous people jump out at them and say, "your on sacred ground so we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes, but we aren't that crazy so we will...

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her al...

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Two guys are camping when...

Hello everybody. I am transalting this joke from my native language so
1 Sorry for any grammar error
2 I hope it s a new one for some of you

Two friends are camping in the mountains.
They are relaxing, walking into the nature, breathing fr...

A man walks into a bar and orders their finest drink

The bartender nods and heads into the backroom. A minute later the bartender returns with a drink with clear liquid and a red haze. The man takes a swig of the drink and then spits it out. ”What the hell is this?” The man shouts ”Are you trying to poison me?” The bartender looks at the man ”What the...

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a cannibal walks into a church..

And the priest says to him,

"Ah so you seek to convert?"

And the cannibal says

"No I just got food poisoning from some of your missionaries, I've roasted them and baked them. Hell we've also boiled a few but we still keep getting the shits!"

The priest nods knowingly a...

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

My friend passed away the other day.

He will be missed. He would light up the room whenever he entered. Come to think of it, this should've been when we noticed the radiation poisoning.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

I was in London last summer

I was in London last summer, and I got food poisoning. I lost 6 kilograms. See a lot of Americans don't understand that because it's metric. But I did the math, and 6 kilograms is over $720,000 in cocaine.

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

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What do you get when you cross a cat with poison ivey?

An itchy pussy!

Two men talking…….

Man 1: You know, I’ve been married twice and both my wife’s died. The first one died from eating poisonous mushrooms. The second one died from blunt force trauma to the skull.

Man 2: Jesus, and how did that happen?

Man 1: She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

I recently put poison ivy in the bed of a guy that I don't like.

It was a rash decision on my part.

Why did the man drink the poison?

Because he couldn't eat it.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

Someone should make a poison whose antidote can only be received via flu shot, in order to eliminate the anti vaxxers...

...oh wait.

Two men were at a wake

Two men, Bill and Ed, were at a wake, and got to chatting with each other. Bill said:


\- You know what, I pity that cousin of mine.


Ed asked:


\- Why?


Bill told him:


\- Because that's the third wife of his who has died.


Ed ...

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?

The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

Give him a POISONED fish, and you feed him for his lifetime.

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then ple...

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is...

You're probably Australian

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

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A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.

Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.

The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"

She pulls out a pict...

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

Poisonous Wife

Reporter: How did your husband die??
Wife: He ate poison
Report: But why did he has Bruises on his body?
Wife: He refused to eat it...

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