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Poison Jokes

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

Poison !!

Police: ma’am how did your husband die?

Wife: poison (hysterically crying)

Police: but he had bruises all over his body






Wife: I know. He didn’t want to take it.

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her al...

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. L...

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

What’s the difference between venom and poison?

One is black metal, the other glam…

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning

Runs in the family

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

What do you get when Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt fall in poison ivy?

Mt. Rashmore.

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating a poison shoe?

It was laced with cyanide

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

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Mushrooms

Two men who have not seen each other in over ten years are meeting for a drink

Billy: So Mark, what is new in your life?

Mark: Well, I am getting married for the fourth time on Saturday.

Billy: Fourth time, What happened to Amanda?

Mark: She died from eating poison mushro...

I got food poisoning today.

Not sure who im going to use it on.

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.

About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.

Mendel says "So, what do you think?"...

If you have poison in your veins

Would you call that toxic vasculinity?

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

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My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My third wife died from a cracked skull...

...the bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!

"Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi

"No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!"

"Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her".

Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then ple...

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

What did the assassin say as he loaded a poison dart into his blowpipe?

Hemlocked and loaded

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy?

Ointment.

POISON

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, "Now, John, how do you know that?" John says, "Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I w...

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a poisonous fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

What's in Poison Ivy's underpants?

Tulips.

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

A man was having a bad day...

A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.

A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.

The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.

The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"...

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is...

You're probably Australian

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

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I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

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A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.

Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.

The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"

She pulls out a pict...

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets bitten by a poisonous snake..

A man and his friend is walking in the desert when suddenly his friend is bit by a poisonous snake directly in the penis. The man says to his friend, "Don't worry I'll run into town and get help, I'll be right back!"


The man gets into town and finds the local doctor and asks "My friend wa...

Is it possible to get steak poisoning?

Yes, but it's really rare.

What did the poisonous spider get pulled over for?

Recluse driving.

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

Why do you give children who swallowed poison some milk?

To make them happy before they die.

Doctor: You appear to have potassium poisoning.

Mario: But I've avoided bananas my whole life!

On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy.

It was a real rash decision.

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