A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Why do you think your wife is trying to poison you?" The man answers, repeating his suspicion: "I'm telling you, my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??"

The Rabbi thinks for a minute, and then says--give me a week to get to the bottom of t...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.

About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.

Mendel says "So, what do you think?"...

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

If you have poison in your veins

Would you call that toxic vasculinity?

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Poison

A worried man goes to see his priest.

"Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me."

Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice."
The following day the man aging ...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning?

Soup de grace.

A man stops into a biker bar for a drink

As he is sitting there staring at his drink a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly and the man burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life!" he says "I'm a complet...

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

Did you know air is a highly addictive slow acting poison?

100% of all people who breathe air have died, and if you try to stop breathing the poison you will die within minutes because of how addicted to air you are.

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

How did Alexei Navalni get the poison?

It was Putin his tea.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Why is poison so hard to come by?

It's a delicacy that you only get to experience once in your life.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

Winston Chuchhill

Lady Astor: Mr. Chuchhill, if you were my husband I’d poison you.

Winston: If you were my wife I’d drink it.

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!

"Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi

"No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!"

"Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her".

Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife...

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

I got food poisoning today.

Not sure who im going to use it on.

Little Timmy was jealous of his little brother who drank all of mom's breastmilk. So he poisoned it to kill his brother.

The next was really sad for him as his dad died.

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

NASA's Perseverance rover on Mars has successfully tested a device that can convert carbon dioxide (98% of Mar's atmosphere) into oxygen and carbon monoxide.

Sounds like a great idea, until all the Martians start dying from carbon monoxide poisoning.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

A band visited the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone without a guide.

Everyone suffered from radiation poisoning, except the lead guitarist.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?

The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

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My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My second wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms.

My third wife died from a cracked skull...

...the bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

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What do you get when you cross a cat with poison ivey?

An itchy pussy!

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her al...

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

Why did the man drink the poison?

Because he couldn't eat it.

Someone should make a poison whose antidote can only be received via flu shot, in order to eliminate the anti vaxxers...

...oh wait.

The scariest warning that you can read in braille

"Poisonous surface, do not touch"

"Give a poor man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Give a poor man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life"

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

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Two men go camping in the desert

While they’re sleeping a snake crawls in the tent and bites one of the men on his penis.
He tells the other man he has to run to town and get a doctor to help. So the man trekks for an hour and upon reaching the town he bursts through the doctors door, but the doctor can’t leave to help because h...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

I got food poisoning from this years German Market

It was the wurst

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?

A rash of good luck

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Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

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What happens when a zombie gets food poisoning?

It shits its brains out.

Watermelons

A farmer is having trouble with the boys in town eating his watermelons. So he posts a sign that says, "one of my watermelons is poisoned."

The next day he wakes up and finds a sign next to it. "Now 2 are poisoned."

My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

Poisonous Wife

Reporter: How did your husband die??
Wife: He ate poison
Report: But why did he has Bruises on his body?
Wife: He refused to eat it...

Three new corpses are delivered to the morge one day, each with a smile on their face.

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of ...

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After i heard the the one about Abe and his wife trying to poison him... I remembered this one.

A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the
states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick." ...

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

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As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

A Priest, A Rabbi, and A Minister All Had to Go to the Hospital

They got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

"Dad, I poisoned our neighbors' groundwater."

"Well, well, well"

I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

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A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.

Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.

The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"

She pulls out a pict...

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

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