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Poison Jokes

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
AI Image Generator

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her al...

Poison !!

Police: ma’am how did your husband die?

Wife: poison (hysterically crying)

Police: but he had bruises all over his body






Wife: I know. He didn’t want to take it.

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

What’s the difference between venom and poison?

One is black metal, the other glam…

What do you get when Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, and Roosevelt fall in poison ivy?

Mt. Rashmore.

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

Everyone at the family reunion got food poisoning

Runs in the family

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.

About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.

Mendel says "So, what do you think?"...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

Did you hear about the guy who died from eating a poison shoe?

It was laced with cyanide

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

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I'm the toughest.

Three mice are drinking at a bar talking about which one is the toughest. The first mouse takes a shot and says "I'm so tough the people living in my house put rat poison out, and I simply grab it, break it up, and put it in my morning coffee!"

The second mouse takes a shot and says "That's n...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

What do you call it when you throw rat poison at a bird of prey?

ill eagle

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance

Why did the man poison a London bakery?

He wanted to kill two Brits with one scone.

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I have poisoned each of my ex-boyfriends with a whole bottle of Viagra, and I’m going to do it again when this guy breaks up with me

I wish I could stop, but old habits die hard.

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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!

"Moishe, I think you may be exaggerating", said Rabbi

"No, I am pretty sure of it, Rabbi!"

"Ah, don't be such a drama queen, I'll talk to her".

Rabbi goes to another room to talk to man's wife. He comes out about 30 minutes later and says: "You know, after talking to your wife...

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump she’d poison his coffee,

Donald Trump said if he was married to her he’d drink it!

If you have poison in your veins

Would you call that toxic vasculinity?

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Big Burly Biker walks into a bar

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an...

Why can’t you poison a frog?

Because they are an anti**toad**

Ps. I’m on very strong meds and thought this was worth sharing

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

I once got some minor blood poisoning.

I tried to ingest the antidote, but it turns out it was in vein.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

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I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra.

Calling it "Die Hard".

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then ple...

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea

a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

I got Food poisoning from eating raw eggs

Salmonella isn’t a yolk, I hope this is over easy..I’m feeling all scrambled.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is...

You're probably Australian

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask?

The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

i've been married two times. my first wife died to poisonous mushrooms. the other sufred severe skull fracture.

\-what happened to her?

\-she didn't want to eat the mushrooms

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With all the toilet paper hoarding, there might not be a worse time in our lifetimes to get food poisoning.

It's such a dire era.

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy?

Ointment.

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

A Fox and a Bear got bored one day…

Fox: Bear, I'm bored.

Bear: Yeah, me too.

Fox: I've got an idea! We beat up the hare!

Bear: Yeah, great idea!

Fox: But we can't beat him up for nothing, we need
reason... I've got it: If he wears a cap, we tell him 'You have a stupid cap', and if he has no cap, we ...

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

I heard about a man who used poisoned Cheerios to murder people

He was quite the cereal killer

Jedi Master finally named after being found dead from radiation poisoning in Ukraine

Obi Wan Chernobi

How did the whole town get affected by lead poisoning?

Someone added lead to the central water supply. Then one thing lead to another.

What's the difference between poisonous & venomous ?

If it bites you and you die, its venomous
If you bite it and you die, its poisonous
If it bites you and it dies, its voodoo
If it bites you and nobody dies its kinky

Back in school my friends almost convinced me to smoke poison ivy.

Luckily, I didn't do anything rash.

I went to a German food festival and almost died from food poisoning

It was the wurst.

On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy.

It was a real rash decision.

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A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.

Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.

The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"

She pulls out a pict...

Did you hear that Bon Jovi got food poisoning after eating that deer?

I guess you could say he had some “Bad Venison”

If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

How do you tell a child their parents aren't coming back because they died due to gas poisoning?

They argon

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

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Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

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