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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan Walk Into a Bar

They have a few drinks and then die from methanol poisoning due to a lack of government regulation.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

What has eight legs, eight eyes, and weaves a deadly web of poison?

A Fox News "discussion" panel.

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

A group of animal rights activists attempted to poison a barbecue

However, the poison didn't work. Should have tested it on animals.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake IS venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, whil...

If you’re thinking about mixing together poison ingredients...

Don’t whisk it!

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What do Japanese call a rabbit with poison ivy?

Ichiban

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

“This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, “Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she’s poisoning me.”

The rabbi says, “Calm down, calm down.”

He says, “No, no, I know! But I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.”

The rabbi says, “Well, give me a chance...

TIFU by hiding in poison oak

Whoops, wrong shrub

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A lady goes to the pharmacy to buy poison.

Lady: I want to buy your most lethal poison so I can kill my husband.

Pharmacist: C'mon lady. You know damn well I can't do that. That's illegal.

The lady start crying and says: "But he needs to pay! This bastard cheated on me. Look I caught him in the act!"

She pulls out a pict...

On a whim, I decided to roll around in some poison ivy.

It was a real rash decision.

Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was later poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority...

Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards

Mrs. Smith walks into a pharmacy and asks to buy poison

'Dear lady, why would you want to buy poison?' asks the pharmacist.

'To kill my husband!'

'I can't sell you poison so you can kill someone!'

As an answer to that, Mrs. Smith puts a picture on the counter where one can clearly see a man and a woman in bed. The man in question is ...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

Two Russians enter in a pub in London...

Barman: What poison would you like?

Alcohol is nothing but poison

But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

My mother-in-law said to me, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your coffee."

I replied, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it."

Skripal case

In the Skripal case, I am for a symmetrical answer: let the British poison two of their betrayers in the center of Moscow and calm down.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are capured by cannibals...

The cannibal leader says,

"We're gonna skin you, eat you, and use your skin for our canoes. However, you get to choose how you die." He gestures at a huge chest full of weapons.

He points at the Englishman. "You're first."

The Englishman, tears rolling down his face, pulls out ...

Poison ivy and harley quinn

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide have their mind set on robbing Gotham City Bank. "Now, remember the plan," Poison Ivy tells Harley. "Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car. Time passes by ten minutes...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen minutes....

I think my boss from flint is trying to poison me...

Handing out all these Pb and jelly sandwiches.

A concerned husband goes to his priest...

"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."

Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."

The priest then heads to t...

My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull...

She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

If a poison expires,

Will it be more poisonous or less poisonous?

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Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circu...

Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke?

Diet coke has better advertising.

What's in Poison Ivy's underpants?

Tulips.

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then ple...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

POISON

A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, "Now, John, how do you know that?" John says, "Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I w...

Cannibals capture three men

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and pen so...

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

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3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”

The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." Th...

The Unluckiest Guy in the world

A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

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A man goes to his rabbi.

He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down a...

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An Old Jewish Joke

Saul was struggling to take his last breaths when he asked his former business partner and ex-friend Seymour to come to his bedside.

“Seymour,” said Saul barely able to breathe. “I’m dying. But before I go, there’s some things I have to get off my chest.”

“Please Saul,” said Seymour. ...

So when my Mother-in-law died the police came by to asked what happened.

I said, "She ingested some poison." The police said, "then what are all these bruises for?" "Well, she wouldn't take the poison."

​

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Two friends in the Forest

Two friends are walking through the forest when one of them gets bitten in the crotch by a poisonous snake. He rips off his clothes in a hurry and sees that the fangs have broken the skin of his penis. His friend frantically pulls out his phone to call emergency services. A doctor tells his friend "...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

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A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose ...

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Two bikers

Two bikers are riding along the route 66 when one of them has to take a piss. So he goes to a bush on the side of the road and does his business, when all of a sudden a snake bites his junk. Alerted from the screams of his friend, the other biker runs to him and asks him what's wrong. Thankfully he ...

One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."


His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anythin...

A dying man wants to be honest with his wife

The wife is feeding her husband.

Suddenly the man starts crying and and says:
“There is something I need to tell you”

“What” asked the wife.

“I have been cheating on you with the nanny and the teacher of our children and the lady at the end of the street” says the man
...

A story with a happy ending

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."

“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can'...

A guy is sitting in a bar with a beer. He doesn't look happy.

Another guy (who is decidedly bigger and stronger than the first one) comes in, sits down next to the first guy and slaps him on the shoulder. Without asking, he takes the beer of the unhappy man and drinks it. The smaller guy starts sobbing. "Don't make such a fuss!" says the big guy. "It's just a ...

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The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and g...

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A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..

  

"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."

  

The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.

  

"You see, that ott...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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A pregnant mother gave birth to twins.

Even though each had one boob for milk, they discovered that they weren't getting enough. And both of them got jealous, blaming each other for the low supply. And so each one bought poisons secretly.

So then, both of them decided to apply the poison on the nipple that wasn't for them. Each wa...

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed

A man is sitting at a bar looking depressed. A big guy comes in and walks over to the man. He takes the shot sitting next to him and chugs it down. The man starts bawling, so the big guy says “Hey, it was just a joke. Here, I’ll buy you another one,”. The man whines “First I wake up and my wife left...

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

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Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."

The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."

Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The o...

Me: *gets down on one knee*

she: OMG it's finally happening.

me: *falls over*

she: the poison is kicking in.

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I was at a party the other night.

I walked into the rager eager for a drink to quell my thirst, it was 9pm and things were just starting to heat up. A few steps through the door and I was greeted by a petit partygoer with flashing lights in her hair, she said something but I couldn't hear her over the DJ, but I wasn't really interes...

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Three guys, a French, a Brit and a New Yorker, are stranded on an island, when...

...they are captured by a tribe of killers.

The chief of the tribe tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The French says, "Donnez-moi le poison." So th...

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

Murphy is at the pub one night...

And he is drinking pint after pint, shot of whiskey after shot of whiskey, until very late in the evening. He takes a walk outside to smoke, when local nuns Sister Margaret and Sister Mary approach him. Scolding him, they say "You're putting the devil's poison inside you again, Murphy! Death sticks ...

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A wimpy-looking fellow is sitting in the corner of the bar, all by himself, staring at a beer instead of drinking it...

An hour passes, and Bubba, the local bully decides to mess with him. He walks up, grabs the man's glass and downs it in a few gulps. He slams the glass down and says, "There! That's how a man drinks a goddamn beer, you fucking pussy!"

The little guy looks up at him in horror, and then busts ...

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A blonde and her guide returned from an overnight hike

The blonde went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a stiff drink.

"You look frazzled," the bartender said. "Tough time on the hike?"

"TERRIBLE," she said after downing the drink. "The walking was hard, the weather was bad, and my guide almost died!"

"Really? What happened?" <...

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Greg goes to get a physical

During his physical, the doctor asked his patient (Greg) about his daily activity level.

Greg responded: '"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down...

Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.

A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.

"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."

"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to ke...

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

3 men land on an island

One was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York.
The island has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to.
While walking in the forest they see a bush.
All of a sudden, a few cannibalistic tribals jump out,...

Why would a Batman villain be disguised as a nurse?

To Poison IV!

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't d...

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A farmer was mending his fence

As he walked along the fence patching up rough spots, he approached a certain post and sighed. When he got near, it started speaking to him. "There was a snake nearby earlier." The farmer cautiously said "Is that so? I'd hate to get poisoned by one." The post gleefully replied "Envenomed, you r...

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Two college bros decide to go on safari

They grab their gear and walk off into the distance. They come to a river and must swim across it.
They come to a cliff and must shimmy down it.
They come to a ravine and must climb up it.
They come to a rock wall and must rappel down it.
They come to the jungle and start the trek th...