So I just saw the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals is weird...
How can you tell that the children of anti-vaxxers are radioactive?
They have half-lives.
What did the radioactive isotope say to the scientist?
The other day, I got bitten by a radioactive lawyer...
...I now have the power of attorney.
What’s the difference between relative dating and radioactive dating?
Radioactive dating is a way to determine an object’s age, but relative dating is what goes down in Alabama.
I found a radioactive cat.
It had 18 half-lifes.
What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power?
Where can you find radioactive turkeys?
What's the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a barrel of radioactive waste?
Nothing. They should both be locked up and labelled "dangerous substance"
Wanna hear a joke about radioactive isotopes?
Sorry, it just decayed.
Why was the radioactive food going to taste bad?
The meal would fallout of flavor.
Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?
Me: Did you hear about the man that was bitten by a radioactive spider?
Me: >!No...dead man.!<
How do you fight a radioactive honey badger?
I think I’ve made a great mistake.
Everyone talks about Peter Parker because he was lucky enough to get bitten by the cool kind of radioactive spider...
My buddy Dave got bit by a radioactive brown recluse, and he just turned into a shut in.
What do you call functioning communication equipment found in Chernobyl?
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"
No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
If Ice Cream Required a Prescription
Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.
It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.
You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.
There would only be one flavor, black licorice.
It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...
A man was recruited for a space colony
He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.
"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...
I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.
It had a toxic work environment.
Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?
He became a super-gyro.
If you wear a radioactive belt...
...you end up with nuclear waist.
The confused radioactive element
So there was a radioactive element who was perpetually confused. One fine day, he was asked, "what do you do?".
Sphinx: What has four legs in the morning, two at noon, and three at night?
Me: A radioactive vietnamese soldier.
EDIT: Sphinx: No no he’s got a point.
If a family with a mother, father, and child is called a nuclear family...
...why isn't incest called radioactive dating?
Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?
To stop it from falling out.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....
The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.
"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."
"So why are we here then," the guy a...
If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.
If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.
True Chuck Norris Encounters
A priest, a rabbi, and a potato farmer walk into a bar. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks them all in the face because he already knows this joke won't be funny enough.
A reporter once asked Chuck Norris why he decided to shave his beard. He responded, "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.
He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...