My dad finally woke up from his conspiracy theory and realized that cyanide couldn’t kill the coronavirus.

It was a hard pill to swallow

I’m thinking about trying cyanide

I’ve heard it’s a once in a lifetime experience

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

Cyanide must be so calorie dense

One vial and you don't need to eat again for the rest of your life

A biker walks into the bar

He looks at a depressed person sitting with his drink in his hand, he walks up to him, snatches the drinks and downs it in one gulp

"what you gonna do about it?" he says

"This is the worst day of my life!" the depressed man cries

"I'm a complete failure. I was late at the office...

Scientists have just found the cure to COVID-19

They call it cyanide.

*It also cures all other diseases.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide.

Pharmacist: What do you need it for?

Man: I want to kill my wife.

Pharmacist: I’m sorry, sir. You have to understand I cannot sell you any cyanide.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a photo of his ugly wife.

Pharmacist: *blushes and replies* I am sorry sir, I ...

A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

The pharmacist looked stunned and couldn't believe what she had asked for but he was still curious.

"Why would you want to get cyanide?"

The women replied, "My husband has been having an affair and I want to poison him."

The pharmacist tried to reason with the woman, " I can't d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cyanide?

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a phot...

What’s a depressed persons favorite drink?

A Depresspespresso.

Just kidding it’s Cyanide

What's a depressed person's favorite drink? Depresso espresso

Jk its cyanide

Three men are walking through a jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

The men are informed by the chief that they will be eaten, and their skins used for canoes. They are allowed to choose how they die, however. The first man opts for one of the cannibals to break his neck. The second man chooses to down a vial of cyanide. The third man, however, takes a fork from his...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. ..

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Give a man a fish laced with potassium cyanide, and you feed him for a lifetime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

There was a farmer who grew watermelons...

He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. T...

Patient visits a doctor for an operation

Doctor: In the event of something going wrong with the operation, would you like to donate your organs?

Patient: Yeah, sure, but only to my worst enemy.

Doctor: Why's that?

Patient: Because he really hates my guts.

---

~~Idea~~ Stolen from today's Cyanide & Hap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says "we're going to kill you, eat you and sow your skins to make a canoe. But you get to choose how to die."

The English man pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the Queen!" and shoots himself in the ...

I can never finish anything

so I bought a cyanide advent calendar.

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the differen...

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine...

Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some?

Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish.

Me: No, it's free!

*from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a horse comes into a bar...

wait crap, I meant a guy... So this horse cums in to a guy

(credit to cyanide and happiness)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting at the bar getting ready to take a shot when...

A stranger walks up to the bar next to him, grabs the shot out of his hand, and takes it. The man looks up stunned at the stranger and the stranger says "Is there a problem"?

The man says "Well, yeah. I thought it was impossible for me to fuck anything else up, and then you came along". Stran...

Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?

Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground

(Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.