I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

Whne I got to donate blood they ask me so many strange wuestions like:

What is my name? Why is the blood in a bucket?

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

A guy sees his Doctor who tells him he has really low magnesium in his blood

The guy says 0Mg

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

Me: When I donate my blood

I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

If Wine is Jesus's blood...

Maybe its time to stop eating Mayonnaise.



(Posted originally in a meme format by u/doucheyMcDingle in r/memes)

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

My dad put blood, sweat and tears into every endeavor,

probably explains why his restaurant failed.

What is the script editors blood Type?

Type O !

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

Does anyone know how long human blood will keep for if it’s not refrigerated?

Asking for a fiend

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

Why is there so much blood when I'm on my cycle?

I'm never mountain biking again.

2 blood cells met and fell in love

Alas, it was all in vein!

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

My doctor said he needed a blood sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample. . .

So I left my underwear there.

Jesus held up his wine glass and said: "This is my blood"

Jesus held up his bread and said: "This is my body."

Then suddenly, a man threw up.

Jesus: Is there something wrong sir?

Man: I put a lot of mayo on my sandwich.

Would you ever kill a living being that shares blood with you? I would...

Those damn mosquitoes

When I donate blood, I really hope it goes to a woman

So that I can at last, be inside one.

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

We lost our Dad yesterday. He bled out after a terrible accident. The paramedics asked if we knew his blood type, but we didn't.

As he died he whispered "Be Positive" but it sure is gonna be tough without him.

What doctor should never draw your blood?

Dr acula

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

My parents were really worried when they sent me in for a blood test

I can’t wait to rub it in their faces. I scored really high on everything!

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

Did you know coconut milk can be used as a blood substute?

Anyways, on a seperate note, I just lost my medical licence for trying to turn a vegetable into a fruit.

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

What do Bloods use as money?

Crip-toe-currency

Went to the doctor and the only thing he did was take blood from my neck

Do not go see Dr. Acula


-mitch hedberg Rip to a king..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

What did the doctor say to the sad blood donor?











Be positive.



You know what I say to people who think blood is disgusting?

You’re full of it.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

What do broken glass and blood have in common?

Their taste

I didn't study for my blood test.

Still, I got an "A".

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

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NASCAR drivers are now taking Viagra to lower their blood pressure and give them an edge during stressful races.

There has been some really stiff competition lately!

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

Anyone who’s last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

What did the doctor say when he found blood in his patient’s pee?

Urine Trouble...

If red wine is the blood of Christ...

I'm never having white wine again.

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

A man is lying in the surgery room losing lots of blood

The surgeon says "Quick! We need to give him more blood!It says here he is blood type-A!" He gives him the blood but his body didn't accept it and he dies. The doctor says "Oh no! How didn't this work?!" And the nurse says: " I guess it must have been a type-0"

Just announced, there is now a morning after pill for men.

It changes your blood type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nurses at a morgue find a dead man with...

**Disclaimer: I’m sorry**

Three nurses working at a morgue find a dead man with an erection.

The first nurse says, “Well, I can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse nervously explains that she has her period but then ride...

A guy walks into a recovery room after donating blood.

A woman asks him how he feels.

Guy: I feel fine, but I doubt it would help someone.

Woman: why do you have to be so negative?

Guy: I can’t help it. It’s in my blood.

What's a vampire's favorite beer?

*Bloodw*eiser

I like my humor like I like my blood

Irony

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

Low blood iron gang rise up!

Wait, but not too quickly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

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Three vampires walked into a bar...

The first one ordered a glass of blood.The second one also ordered a glass of blood.The third one ordered a glass of water, so his friends asked him: "What the fuck, Vlad?"

He then replied: ...

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

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What do you call two used tampons?

Blood brothers

The Doctor, The Lawyer, and The Autopsy

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient w...

[husband mopping blood off the floor]

**Wife:** OMG!

**Husband:** honey, I can explain...

**Wife:** you're cleaning!

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

What do you call it when you misspell the word blood?

A type-o

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood.

He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

What has two legs and is gushing blood?

Half a cat

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

“Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”

“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”

“Why your red shirt, sir?”

“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden by the shirt, a...

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

A man with a large growth on his nose is in a failing marriage.

He comes home from the doctor, and his wife asks how it went.

The husband replies "Wonderful! I've lost two inches from my waist, my blood pressure is in a healthy range, and I no longer have any problems with my posture."

The wife looks perplexed.

"In fact" the husband conti...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

Why did Dracula fail Art Class?

He could only draw blood!

Just in time for the farmers thanksgiving. NSFW

There was this farmer that every morning would wake up and the first thing he would do is fart. Wet farts, dry farts, stinky farts, and especially loud farts. His wife would constantly tell him, “Honey, you really need to go to the doctor and have them look at that, one day you’ll end up farting you...

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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

The word politics

The word politics is derived from two words.

"Poli" from the Greek meaning "many" & "tics" meaning blood sucking parasites

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

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