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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!

So many questions,

Who's blood is that?
How did you get it?
Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says,"I think I might be a type O."

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

My best friend died after we couldn't remember his blood type

He kept saying, "Be positive" but idk man it's been hard without him...

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

When I donate blood, I really hope it goes to a woman

So that I can at last, be inside one.

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

My parents were really worried when they sent me in for a blood test

I can’t wait to rub it in their faces. I scored really high on everything!

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

Did you know coconut milk can be used as a blood substute?

Anyways, on a seperate note, I just lost my medical licence for trying to turn a vegetable into a fruit.

What doctor should never draw your blood?

Dr acula

What do Bloods use as money?

Crip-toe-currency

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

We lost our Dad yesterday. He bled out after a terrible accident. The paramedics asked if we knew his blood type, but we didn't.

As he died he whispered "Be Positive" but it sure is gonna be tough without him.

Went to the doctor and the only thing he did was take blood from my neck

Do not go see Dr. Acula


-mitch hedberg Rip to a king..

They told me I had blood type A

but it was a Type-O

What did the doctor say to the sad blood donor?











Be positive.



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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

What do broken glass and blood have in common?

Their taste

You know what I say to people who think blood is disgusting?

You’re full of it.

I didn't study for my blood test.

Still, I got an "A".

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NASCAR drivers are now taking Viagra to lower their blood pressure and give them an edge during stressful races.

There has been some really stiff competition lately!

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

What did the doctor say when he found blood in his patient’s pee?

Urine Trouble...

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

A man is lying in the surgery room losing lots of blood

The surgeon says "Quick! We need to give him more blood!It says here he is blood type-A!" He gives him the blood but his body didn't accept it and he dies. The doctor says "Oh no! How didn't this work?!" And the nurse says: " I guess it must have been a type-0"

If red wine is the blood of Christ...

I'm never having white wine again.

A guy walks into a recovery room after donating blood.

A woman asks him how he feels.

Guy: I feel fine, but I doubt it would help someone.

Woman: why do you have to be so negative?

Guy: I can’t help it. It’s in my blood.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Anyone who’s last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

Low blood iron gang rise up!

Wait, but not too quickly

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.

EDIT: sorry, type-O

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

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I tried donating blood but they kept asking me too many stupid questions

Who's blood is it?

Where'd you get it from?

Why is it in a bucket?

Bunch of ungratefuls... I'm never donating shit again!

I like my humor like I like my blood

Irony

[husband mopping blood off the floor]

**Wife:** OMG!

**Husband:** honey, I can explain...

**Wife:** you're cleaning!

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

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I’ve helped make men’s dicks hard.

No, I’m not hot, I just donate a lot of blood.

What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.

Always give 100%

Unless you’re donating blood

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

What do you call it when you misspell the word blood?

A type-o

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood.

He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader says "we are going to kill you and then use your skin to line our canoes. But you can choose how you die."

The Englishmen asks for a pistol and says "long live the queen!" before shooting himself in the head.

The Frenchman asks for poison and says "viva la France" before dri...

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

What has two legs and is gushing blood?

Half a cat

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

Bill and Bob..

Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, but mom said they ...

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor’s office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.

The blonde woman replied, “I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop”

why did the nurse need a red pen to work

incase she had to draw blood

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You're god damn right I'm xenophobic!

They're always causing problems, they kill people indiscriminately and I don't know what's worse, the acid blood or their little mouth in a mouth thing. Xenomorphs can just dick right off, and I'd bet they don't pay their taxes.


Sorry this joke has been in my head for like 3 days.

I used to be a gang member with the Bloods, but then I had a baby and realized I had to make some real changes in my life...

So now I'm with the Crips, and me and my little guy can finally watch Blue's Clues together.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?

They both share your blood

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

A man walked into a bar...

he then had to go to the emergency room because the force trauma of the bar to his head caused a blood vessel to burst in his brain.

RIP jimmy.

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

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What’s the most popular proverb in Alabama?

Cum is thicker than blood

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I got to the doctor for a physical and he tells me he needs a stool, urine, semen and blood sample

I tell him I'm in a rush doc can't I just leave you my underwear?

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions.

How old are you?
Can we see your ID?
Whose blood is it and why is it in a pail?

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

Man

A man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying “i’m on my period.” the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she’s done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes al...

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So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

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What do you call a prostitute with blood on her face?

A Gore

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator....

My grandfather always used to say, “I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work!”

Good man. Disgusting bartender.

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

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Two horses live on a farm.

Their names are Harry and Larry. Harry and Larry are best friends. They do everything together, they eat together, play together, sleep together...

One day, while Harry and Larry were grazing in the fields, Larry said to Harry, “Harry, I think it’s time we figure out who the Alpha Horse on th...

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

I thought my blood type was A negative but then I got a blood test

I didn't know there was a blood type called HIV positive

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Are my testicles black? (First post but let me know if it is a repost)

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Emba...

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

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A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway.

She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to g...

gave blood today, nurse asked which arm…

I said, “Left, please. If that doesn’t phle-boto-you; it won’t phlebotomy.”

What were the names of the two rival vampire gangs?

The bloods and the crypts

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

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My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

I went to the doctor for a complete physical

He asked for a urine, blood, stool and a sperm sample. So I gave him my underware......and a sock

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

An Asian student's mom was reading the test result

"Why do you only get a B- ?! You bring shame to our family"

"But mom, it is a blood test"

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.

Two children were in a doctor’s waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

“Why are you crying?” asked the little boy.

“I’m here for a blood test, and they’re going to cut my finger,” said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

“Why are you cr...

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What do you say after donating your blood to another man so it’s not gay?

No hemo.

My friend once told me that type O blood used to be called type 0 blood

I guess he just made a type - O

Jesus hands out the bread

"This is my body" he says. They all take a piece and eat it.

He takes out wine, "This is my blood," he says, and everyone takes a glass and drinks some.

He takes out mayonnaise.

How did little Timmy know what gang to join?

He went for a Blood test

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