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Blood Jokes

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What’s his blood type?

Nurse: B positive.

Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.

The pastor comes out and says, “They tested it and told me I’m A positive.”

The imam follows up with, “Interesting! I found out I’m AB negative.”

The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, “Pretty sure I’m a type O.”

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept saying "be positive"

I'll try but it's hard without him.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

A man's car is covered in blood and tree leaves

Police officer: what's with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

Got an A- on my blood test

Will have to do better next time, but I'm getting there!

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil...

Crematoriums.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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There's a vampire that only feeds off the blood of menstruating women.

His name is Cunt Dracula!

what type of blood do ghosts donate?

plasma

I had my blood tested recently and everything came back negative.

So I fired my drug dealer.

Why do the nurses at the blood donation clinic have autocorrect disabled?

Because they always want more type-o’s.

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

What's the difference between the Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by Kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”

French vampires don’t suck your blood.

They sacrebleu!

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

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Kidneys never treat blood seriously…

… they’re always taking the piss out of it!

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?”

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.

The priest thinks and says “I believe I am a type A positive”

The minister says“I’m quite certain I'm a type B negative”

The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says “I think I’m a type O”

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

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Of there's more life in one drop of semen than a drop of blood.

Why don't vampires sick dick?

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all...

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Me: "At the blood bank, it's always a nurse who takes the donation"

Nurse: "sperm banks are different, sir"

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

For once you want to do something good and donate blood…

….immediately, there are stupid questions: Who‘s is this? Where does it come from? Why is it in a bucket?

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

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Blood test

A man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the woo...

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

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I keep seeing advertisements encouraging people to donate blood...

But every time I try to donate they have too many questions for me, like:

"Who's blood is this?!"
and
"Where did you get it?"

Yo mama so dumb, the only test she got an A on was her blood test

...and even then, it was an A minus!

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

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A man donates blood to save his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife r...

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

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The blood of virgins

A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

It boils my blood when people use to, too, and two incorrectly

Like cmon guys it's really not to hard

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

I got my blood drawn

To see what type I was. Unfortunately, the doctor made a Type-O.

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

A lot of blood is moved by ships everyday.

After all, we have blood vessels for a reason.

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

What is messy coder's blood group ?

Type O

Blood is thicker than water, as everyone knows. But some people have started saying water is thicker than blood.

Don't worry though, it's just a viscous rumor.

A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a blood bank.

The nurse asks each their blood type. The priest is O positive, and the Imam is O negative.

Finally it comes to the rabbi, who pauses a long moment before answering.

“Well, I don’t think I’m a Type-O.”

What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?

Nurse Feratu

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Is Superman a blood?

Because Batman took him down with a crip tonight

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

What did one blood cell say to another blood cell that was having a bad day?

B positive

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.

- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?

- ... She didn't want to.

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want...

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

What do you call a rectangle that’s full of blood?

An erectangle


(Came up with this in math class lol)

Another 90 year old man goes to the docs, the doctor says " I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample."

The old guy says, "Take my pants."

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?

Because it's handmade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

What kind of blood did the mna have who culdn't spel right?

Typo.

I've always hated donating blood.

They always ask way too many questions. Like, "Where did you get the blood" or "Whose blood is this". Like come on, I'm donating just be grateful.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

I went to go dontate blood yesterday...

...but the phlebotomist said they could not take my blood because there was a Type-O on my donor card.

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