A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood

The nurse asks, what's your blood type?

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

Why do you need a driver's license to get your blood drawn?

Because its called a blood drive.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

Man: Why do I have to do it myself? I've donated blood before and a nurse draws it.

Receptionist: Yes sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work like that here.

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

I will never know my Dad's blood type

Last thing he told be was "Be Positive"

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

What did one blood cell say to another blood cell that was having a bad day?

B positive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again,...

My dad put blood, sweat and tears into every endeavor,

probably explains why his restaurant failed.

Blood donor

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, “you’re bleeding because you don’t floss”

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

My Canadian girlfriend's blood type is very rare

" EH +"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

I saw a sign that read 'Give Blood' and thought

'Yeah, that'll freak the kids out on Christmas morning'.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

Whne I got to donate blood they ask me so many strange wuestions like:

What is my name? Why is the blood in a bucket?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals?

snackula

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

A vampire comes home, covered in blood

"Hey, awesome, where've you been?"

"Well, do you see the tree outside the castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I didn't"

A guy sees his Doctor who tells him he has really low magnesium in his blood

The guy says 0Mg

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

Why do nurses always carry a red pen with them ?

In case they need to draw blood.

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

Why is there so much blood when I'm on my cycle?

I'm never mountain biking again.

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

My doctor said he needed a blood sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample. . .

So I left my underwear there.

Jesus held up his wine glass and said: "This is my blood"

Jesus held up his bread and said: "This is my body."

Then suddenly, a man threw up.

Jesus: Is there something wrong sir?

Man: I put a lot of mayo on my sandwich.

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

Would you ever kill a living being that shares blood with you? I would...

Those damn mosquitoes

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

We lost our Dad yesterday. He bled out after a terrible accident. The paramedics asked if we knew his blood type, but we didn't.

As he died he whispered "Be Positive" but it sure is gonna be tough without him.

When I donate blood, I really hope it goes to a woman

So that I can at last, be inside one.

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

2 blood cells met and fell in love

Alas, it was all in vein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

What do you call blood-related jedi?

Force kin.

You Know What Really Makes My Blood Boil?

Temperatures Of Over 100 Degrees Celsius.

What doctor should never draw your blood?

Dr acula

A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"

She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Went to the doctor and the only thing he did was take blood from my neck

Do not go see Dr. Acula


-mitch hedberg Rip to a king..

You know what I say to people who think blood is disgusting?

You’re full of it.

My parents were really worried when they sent me in for a blood test

I can’t wait to rub it in their faces. I scored really high on everything!

I was born a pessimist

My blood-type is B negative.

Did you know coconut milk can be used as a blood substute?

Anyways, on a seperate note, I just lost my medical licence for trying to turn a vegetable into a fruit.

What did the doctor say to the sad blood donor?











Be positive.



What do broken glass and blood have in common?

Their taste

What do Bloods use as money?

Crip-toe-currency

I didn't study for my blood test.

Still, I got an "A".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A frog mother takes her children to register for a Polish daycare...

The man at the door says that he can not allow her child to register for the day care without the proper identifcation. "You see this is a Polish daycare only for the slavic people we do not let anyone in if they do not have any Polish blood in them."
The mother unsure of her ancenstry leaves det...

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve...

Anyone who’s last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

What did the doctor say when he found blood in his patient’s pee?

Urine Trouble...

I like my humor like I like my blood

Irony

A long time ago in Judaea...

There's a woman buried up to her neck in the sand, and angry villagers are eagerly waiting with sticks and stones.

But! There comes a man, and he's beautiful and charismatic, and when he speaks, everybody listens. So he speaks and he concludes "he who never sinned throweth the first stone", a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

[NSFW] A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his dreams

A black man with anemia finds a genie in a bottle and gets 3 wishes.

"I want to be white, have enough blood and wake up between the legs of a woman"

"Ok, wishes granted"

ZAPP

He wakes up as a tampon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

My grandad said there’s gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

A guy walks into a recovery room after donating blood.

A woman asks him how he feels.

Guy: I feel fine, but I doubt it would help someone.

Woman: why do you have to be so negative?

Guy: I can’t help it. It’s in my blood.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donating blood in high school for a slice of pizza

was the most crackhead shit ever

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

A man sells his soul to the devil

He’s down on his luck and needs money in the worst way. The devil appears to him and says I can give you all the money you need, just sell me your soul and your money problems will be gone. The devil even promised him not to take his soul for another ten years.

The man decides to make the dea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.