A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.

"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood.

He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

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Have you guys heard about the man who’s penis is so big, he passes out from blood loss when he becomes erect?

I heard he’s a hard sleeper.

What do you call it when you misspell the word blood?

A type-o

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

What do you call someone who is scared of the protein which carries oxygen throughout the blood?

A hemophobe

What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

I like my humor like I like my blood

Irony

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.

What has two legs and is gushing blood?

Half a cat

My friend died because no one around us knew his blood type

As he died he kept tellng us ''be positive'', but life is hard without him.

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

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What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

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I got to the doctor for a physical and he tells me he needs a stool, urine, semen and blood sample

I tell him I'm in a rush doc can't I just leave you my underwear?

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions

I'm never giving blood again. They asked too many stupid questions.

How old are you?
Can we see your ID?
Whose blood is it and why is it in a pail?

Two figures watched from the balcony as the performance of "The King in Yellow" came to an end. Turning to the audience, they watched those unfortunate enough to still be alive turn on each other. Hideous screams and mad laughter echoed as blood flew through air. Finally, one of the figures spoke.

"Well, looks like the play drove the audience completely insane. They're ripping each other apart down there!"

"After paying twenty bucks for tickets to that snooze-fest, I feel like going crazy too!"

*"Do-ho-ho-ho-hoh!"*

I thought my blood type was A negative but then I got a blood test

I didn't know there was a blood type called HIV positive

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What do you call a prostitute with blood on her face?

A Gore

My grandfather always used to say, “I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work!”

Good man. Disgusting bartender.

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If you have blood in your pee when you piss.

Urine trouble

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

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What do you say after donating your blood to another man so it’s not gay?

No hemo.

If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

My friend once told me that type O blood used to be called type 0 blood

I guess he just made a type - O

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

On new years, 2019, i made a resolution to lose 10 kg by 2020. After months of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears,

I can proudly say i only have 16 more kg to go

Donating sperm is more lucrative than donating blood...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the ...

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If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don’t vampires suck cock?

Oh wait… Twilight

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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

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Why Vampires drink virgin blood...

If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

(Underrated film)

Blood Donation

I went to give blood the other day, what an awful experience. The nurses just wouldn't stop asking me questions, constantly.







"Who's blood is that?"



"Where did you get it?"



"Why is it in a bucket?"

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My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

What do you call a Vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from the blood bank?

A cab!

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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner. No hemo.

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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

What do you call a gremlin addicted to the taste of blood?

A hemogoblin

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

You know the saying "Blood is thicker than water"?

You should see what happens when you add cum!

Pittsburgh, New England and Oakland have the same blood type

AB Negative.

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

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A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.

A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to...

Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins…

If you listen varicosely.

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

The nurse taking my blood got annoyed when I told them they were bad at their job,

I don’t understand why though, after all they did keep saying: ‘be negative’

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What do Harry Potter and the Bloods have in common?

They're both after a golden snitch.

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

A physician said, "You have High Blood Pressure"

"High blood pressure? Well Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" The Doctor asked.
"Neither," I replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
I sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.

The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day ...

What did the blood cell say to it’s depressed buddy blood cell ?

B positive .

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood

Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**

So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions.

Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

How did the cannibal win the cooking contest?

A lot of blood, sweat, and tears

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

If I have high blood sugar,

Am I a sweet-heart?

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that either,” ...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "...

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Norma Findlay, Room 302

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulou...

You think they'd be grateful at the blood donor clinic.

Not harass me with stupid questions like, "Where did this blood come from."

What's the difference between period blood and beach sand?

I can't gargle sand.

The only thing inspiring in my like is my blood type:

I'm a B+

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

Just a week after joining the Bloods, a rival gang member tied me to his bumper and dragged me around town.

It was a Crip-pulling experience.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks a...

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

My doctor just told me I have Type-P blood

Turns out it was just a Type-O

I went to donate blood today

I guess Salvation Army prefers clothes.

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

A guy in a bar is complaining about pelvic pain and blood in his urine.

The bartender leans over and says “UTI?”

He responds: “No, I’m 2 Chainz.”

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The blood you donated...

Is in someone else's boner.

Let that sink in.

A man died of blood loss on his way to the Hospital

The EMT was asked why, and he replied --

"I kept asking him for his blood type, but he just wasn't able to tell me. He was too out of it"

The Doctor sighed. "Well for our records and for the sake of the family did he have any last words? Did he suffer?"

"Well.." the nurse repli...

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.



The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explain...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

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When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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Doctor tells me I've got to stop masturbating! I ask why?

He says "I'm trying to read your blood pressure".

A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks. Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon. So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist. He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "W...

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Typed this up, hoping it’s new blood.

Terry is going door to door selling peaches. He’s doing okay for himself, and he rounds the corner and comes upon an apartment complex. Lots of potential sales in one spot! He walks up to the first door and knocks.

The lady of the house opens the door wearing a robe which doesn’t leave much ...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

Why do vampires suck their victim’s blood from their jugular?

Because they are Neck Romantic!

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