A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

I donated blood 5 times a year every year

so that I am less and less related to some of my relatives

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

"I'm off to Taiwan for a blood test." "Taipei?"

"Well, I won't know my blood type until I get there."

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

My friend

So, I had this friend called Joe. So we both lived in this little apartment whilst in uni. I also had a girlfriend at the time as well. Joe was an...interesting guy. Funny, helpful, respectful. But he never told me where he was born or grew up. Anyway, one day im out with my girlfriend at a restaura...

A vampire asks for a glass of bodybuilder’s blood.

After taking a swig, he exclaims, “That’s some strong stuff!”

I know you can't get blood from a stone...

... but how the hell can you get prune juice from prunes?

People with which blood group are a mistake?

TypeO

What kind of money do Bloods use?

Cryptocurrency.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

A blood walks into a bar

A crip walks into a car

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

Me: I've always put my blood, sweat & tears into my work!

Them: That's why you're being sacked. You are a Chef. You can't put all that in food and serve it to customers.

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

What do you call a blood cell running for president?

Capillary Clinton.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Typo.

What do all criminals have in their blood?

Prison cells

I have my own blood on my hands and I am satisfied with it...

Finally swatted that mosquito.

Grandpa: What's 100 feet tall, heavier than ten cars, covered with blood and slime, and has razor-sharp claws?

Kid: I don't know

Grandpa: Look behind you

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

Told my Asian dad my blood type is B+

He was so disappointed..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vampire walks into a vampure bar with his face covered in blood

His friends start going crazy, asking where he got that much blood from.

Knowing they will not let up, thinking his life was at stake, he leads them through valley, into a forest.

"You see that oak tree over there?" he says.

"Yep" reply the others.

"Well I fucking didn't!...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

My doctor was telling me that my blood tests had a typo

So I guess it's pretty cool to be a universal donor.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

Three vampires are haveing a competition for who will get the most blood

The first vampire returns with a mouth full of blood. The other vampires ask him how did he get it. He says:"you see that tree? After it there is a village, I took blood from everyone there."
The second vampire goes and comes back with a face full of blood. He says: "you see that tree? After it ...

People with AB blood type develop a six pack more easily

It's literally in their blood

I was about to slap a mosquito that’s still in the middle of sipping my blood...

But then I realised that we have exactly the same blood in our bodies. We are family now.

Giving blood

While eating at a hospital cafeteria a guy noticed a women with a cotton ball and bandage on her arm causing him to asked, did you just give blood? Why yes she said, and I got twenty five dollars for it too. You should try it. No thanks he said, I just came from the sperm bank and got three hundred ...

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

I was at the blood clinic...

I said "I keep typing letters out of order"
The nurse said "I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive"

1911: dracula used to drink virgin girls' blood....

in 2019: he died of hunger

A doctors patient dies after a type B blood transfusion

Musta been a type-O

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

High or High Blood? :D

The Attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

Was Superman a Blood or a Crip?

Both, he was a blood by day and a Kryptonite

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

What does my wife and a blood sucking parasite have in common?

Nothing. I love my wife and she supports me in all that we do

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want...

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

Two blood cells fell in love

But it was all in vein

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

Three students at the CIA Academy were about to graduate.

The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,

“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”

The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking o...

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

If I was a vampire I would have to avoid blood type B-.

It brings me down.

Since we didn’t know his blood type, my father died in the hospital last night.

It’s difficult, but I’m doing my best to pull through. His last words to me were to “Be positive.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A powerful witch once needed the blood of a true virgin to make a rare potion

She gets the blood of a person she assumes never had sex and gets their blood.

It doesn't work.

She tries another,

the potion still doesn't work.

Dismayed she uses a spell to get the blood of every person who's never had sex from the craziest of orthodox Christian damse...

I saw the best Halloween costume. The guy had dirty clothes, dried blood- the works.

“Zombie?” I guessed.
“No. Art major.”

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

I make a living selling dehydrated body fluids, especially blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.

I'm well renouned for my dry humors.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

What condition do you have if you’re peeing blood?

Simply put, urine trouble.

Just given blood for first time in my life this morning and never felt so great in my life!

Turns out I'm not the dad!

My wife died in my arms today because she didn't know her own blood type.

She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.

I walked into a blood bank and asked the nurse for a glass of Hepatitis B.

"Sorry," she said, "is HepC okay?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I would never donate blood as that would mean my blood would be swimming in some other guy’s boner

no hemo

A bystander offered to give a bleeding man some blood.

When the EMTs asked him if he was sure his blood was compatible, he replied,

"O, positive."

What do bloods eat when they get sick?

Chicken noodle suuu wooop!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, “*Why??*”

He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”

It's okay if a vampire drinks his homies' blood.

But only if he says "No Hemo" after.

I heard that all Canadians have the same blood type.

Apparently, they're all type Eh!

What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

You can't gargle sand.

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. T...

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

Why are sperm in sperm banks more valuable than blood in blood banks?

The sperm is hand-made.

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Was paranoid because I had a blood test

Still got an A+

I just can't draw blood

With this orange crayon.


It isn't sharp enough.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

You can hear the blood in your veins

If you listen varicosely.

I was a excited to donate blood today and save some lives.

The nurse told me it’s great to see people B positive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are semen donations more expensive than blood donations?

Because they're handmade

I did really good on my blood test today

Doctor said I got A+

Why do sperm donations cost more than blood ones?

Because they are done by hand.

Comedy is in my blood.

I just wish it were also in my jokes.