UPJOKE
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I tried giving blood as a charitable act..

..but they asked me all sorts of annoying questions, like where it came from and why it's in a bucket.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- “I’m a type A”


The minister says- “I’m a type B”


The rabbit says- “I think I’m a typo”

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit go to donate blood at their local bloodbank.

When the arrive they are asked what bloodtypes they have.

The priest thinks and says “I believe I am a type A positive”

The minister says“I’m quite certain I'm a type B negative”

The rabbit tugs on his beard and thoughtfully says “I think I’m a type O”

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest walk into a blood test centre.

A nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “Do you know what blood type you are?” The rabbit responds with: “I think I might be a Type-O.”

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

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Kidneys never treat blood seriously…

… they’re always taking the piss out of it!

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

What do you call the trained medical personnel who draws blood at the hospital?

Nurse Feratu

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I keep seeing advertisements encouraging people to donate blood...

But every time I try to donate they have too many questions for me, like:

"Who's blood is this?!"
and
"Where did you get it?"

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A man donates blood to save his wife.

In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.

After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"

To which the wife r...

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

What blood type do writers have?

Type O

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a blood bank.

The nurse asks each their blood type. The priest is O positive, and the Imam is O negative.

Finally it comes to the rabbi, who pauses a long moment before answering.

“Well, I don’t think I’m a Type-O.”

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

A conquistador was talking to a native about the superiority of his civilization.

"Unlike you savages we do not partake in cannibalism or human sacrifice. Now eat your body and blood of Christ or we'll burn you at the stake!"

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

They say you can hear the blood pulsing through your veins...

You just have to listen vericosely.

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

What's the difference between the Bloods and Superman?

One gets killed by Kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", then he pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

Two blood cells met and fell in love...

But alas, it was all in vein.

It boils my blood when people use to, too, and two incorrectly

Like cmon guys it's really not to hard

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

A Halloween joke I made up when I was 12: What did Dracula name his boat?

The Blood Vessel

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.

They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.

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Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

I wish I could donate blood, but last time there were so many questions.

"Whose blood is this?"
"Where did you get it?"
"Was the bucket sanitized first?"

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.

- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?

- ... She didn't want to.

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

What is a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

What is it called when your blood cells break apart, but only when it’s convenient for them?

Fickle Cell Anemia

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

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A Man donates blood to save his Wife's life.

Later they split up, Husband says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife puts her hand in her panties and pulls out a tampon, she then throws it at him and says I'll pay monthly.

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

What's the difference between a lawyer and head lice?

One is a blood sucking parasite that is hard to get out of your hair, and the other can be killed with a special shampoo.

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

What are the strongest blood types?

ABs

My father passed away last week because we couldn't find his right blood type for a tranfusion

He kept telling us to "Be Positive" but it's been really hard without him

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Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

A lot of blood is moved by ships everyday.

After all, we have blood vessels for a reason.

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

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There was a party.

Everyone had to come dressed as an emotion. There was the one dude in red covered in blood, and he was anger. There was another dressed in blue with tear drops drawn on his face, and he was sadness. Then there was a dude who was but naked with a pear tied to the end of his dick. Everyone said, " Wha...

What is messy coder's blood group ?

Type O

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

My grandfather was such a brave man. Even while dying for want of a blood transfusion when nobody knew his blood type

with his last few words he kept telling us all to be positive.

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

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Blood test

A man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the woo...

A guy walks into a bar

and orders a round of beer for everyone in the bar. "I just gave blood for the first time in my life this morning, and I've never felt so great!" the guy exclaims to the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender replies. "You bet it is," the guy says. "Turns out I'm not the father."

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

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The blood of virgins

A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk in a bar. As they approach the bar, they see a blood donation booth. The rabbit hops to the nurse to be the first to donate. The nurse looks at him and ask: “What’s your blood group?”

The rabbit says: "I dunno, I think I might be a Type-O."

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Three vampires are competing at who can drink the most blood

They decide to meet in an hour and see who drank the most. An hour passes and they meet. The first vampire's face is bloody. The second vampire is even bloodier, his hands are bloody aswell. But the third one won: the blood is dripping down his face and his shirt is coverred in it, and so are his ha...

Keith Richards went to the hospital for a checkup today and the results were shocking.

They found blood in his drugstream.

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all...

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

I got my blood drawn

To see what type I was. Unfortunately, the doctor made a Type-O.

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"



The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"



"I've built t...

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?

They are hand made

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

What do cancer and the news have in common

White blood Sells

I told my hypoxemic patient that his blood started entering the deoxygenated chambers of his heart.

I said it was all RIGHT.

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He asked me "oral or anal?"

I said "oral," so he sticks it in my mouth. After he was done taking my temperature, we moved on to blood pressure.

If your body was the size of the Atlantic ocean, your red blood cells would be the size of the Titanic

Let that sink in

What do you call a rectangle that’s full of blood?

An erectangle


(Came up with this in math class lol)

Three people walk into a bar. The first has type B blood. The Second type A blood. The third type P blood.

The person with type P blood says to the bartender, "I think I'm a type O"

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

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A man storms out of a hospital screaming “I am not going to donate blood! I don’t want my blood to be in someone else’s boner!” The Doc sighed and asked,

“no hemo?”

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

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A breakup!!

A couple was going through a rough breakup. The guy was asking the girl to return all the gifts/things/whatever he gave the girl. The girl returned them all.

In the end he says "what about the blood I gave you in hospital during your accident?"

She throws a tampon at his face and says ...

Why can royals never be crips?

Cause they keep it in the blood

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

What is the definition of politics?

Poly meaning many.

And ticks meaning blood sucking parasites.

Why won’t Dracula bite Mick Jagger?

Cause you can’t get blood out of a stone.

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

Alcoholic

An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls...

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

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