UPJOKE
poisonouspoisoncorrosivevenomousnoxiousharmfultoxicologylethalvenomdeadlyvirulenttoxicantorganismtoxinexposure

Toxic Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

Reddit might be a toxic cesspool full of degenerates and racists...

But at least there is free cake.

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Why are so many bulls in toxic relationships?

Every time there's a red flag, they run towards it.

Where do you put toxic celebrities that just can't cut it anymore?

Haz-bins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most toxic kind of mushroom?

A shit-talk-e mushroom

Hey guys, I’m looking to hire a group of people to move toxic waste from a nearby nuclear reactor.

I’m not gonna pay anyone but I’m sure you’ll get plenty of exposure.

American Idol is like that toxic girlfriend.

It threaten’s that it’s going to leave, but it keeps coming back singing the same old songs.

Third wheeling with a toxic couple SUCKS.

Btw.. I'm with my parents right now..

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had the first pick.

In real life, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's marriage was toxic

Naturally, it'd make a great romcom.

Third-wheeling a toxic couple is the worst...

Anyway, i have to go shopping with my parents

Britney Spears has the most toxic fans.

And for good reason; it's a catchy song

Guys if you and your pickles are in a toxic relationship, here's what to do

Try to talk it out, even if its HARD TO OPEN UP. then if things go SOUR, get rid of them. There, DILLemma solved

The air in California is so toxic

I think I might date it.

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

You tell me Facebook is toxic

If you’ve got a better way to whack off to your coworkers I’d love to hear it.

Oxygen is a toxic gas

You get addicted to it and can't live without it after taking it only once and anyone taking it dies at an average age of 80.

What is the most toxic gas? (Possible Dad Joke?)

Air, every person died consuming it.

Scientists found out that water is toxic.

100% of dead people drank water.

What do you call a toxic work environment?

A staff infection

What is toxic at first, but makes life a lot more fun when everyone is used to it?

Oxygen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two friends are dating and are toxic for each other. The only time i see them is together because of their trust issues...

Or when I'm fucking his girlfriend.

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

I like women who are like microwaved Play-Doh.

Hot and non-toxic.

God must be an engineer.

Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God
must have designed the human body. The first says, 'God must be a mechanical engineer.
Look at all the joints."
The second says,"I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections....

I used to work at a chemical factory, but I had to quit

It was a toxic environment

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

Are you a tide pod?

Because you’re lookin’ like a snack but you’re really just toxic to everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

Here is a toxic thought

Chernobyl, HAH.

I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?

I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"

Some people passed away from toxic fumes in the apartments I constructed.

I was just making the ceilings asbestos I could.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

What is the female equivalent of "toxic masculinity?"

PMS

My grandpa once told me he dated Marie Curie.

He was attracted to her glowing spirit and radiant personality.

Sadly, their relationship became toxic.

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

A uranium atom and a plutonium atom are having a rough patch in their marriage. They try therapy and eastern alternatives but it just doesn't work out. They end up getting divorced but can't agree on a settlement, so they decide to split 50/50

The word around town is that the courtroom was really toxic and explosive

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals...

So a Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The chieftain has them bound and brought to the village square, where he announces their fate. "For trespassing on our land," he says, "you will all be sentenced to death! You will be killed, skinned, eaten, and have your hides tann...

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

What do you call an optimistic person with radiation poisoning?

Toxic Positivity.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."

Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."

Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else w...

Short lawyer jokes

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics



When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving



Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

Girl you are the one...

on the pH scale cuz you are toxic af.

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

Just purchased a hazmat suite.

Now I’m ready for that next toxic relationship.

You are being sarcastic

Years ago, in a very toxic workplace, my manager called me to a meeting and told me that I am using sarcasm and it undermines his authority

I looked at him and asked: Who, me?

--- true story

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Body parts were arguing, about who should rule the organism.

I should rule! Said the brain. I tell you all how to work!

No! I should! Said heart. I pump blood, so you all can live and have nutrients!

Bullshit! Said kidneys. We filter toxic things out of the blood! Without us you all would get poisoned!

What? Said stomach. I digest the foo...

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

He was a fungi.

Why wsn't the toadstool invited?

He was toxic.

Opening today for St. Patrick's Day is a new Julia Roberts movie!

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

After the lab accident, Tommy became really rude to people around him.

His friends said that he became a much more toxic person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

If you have poison in your veins

Would you call that toxic vasculinity?

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

Three explorers, one Irish, another English, and an American, were walking in the Amazon. Soon they came across a tribe and the leader told them that if they wanted to pass through their territory that they had to pass the three caves test.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

My one and only engineer joke.

Three engineering students were discussing what type of engineer created the human body. The first one said “well obviously it’s a chemical engineer because the body couldn’t function without all the chemicals and hormones and everything else.“

The second one said “no no no it’s definitely a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's The Difference Between Donald Trump & a Bag of Cheetos?

One is a cheesy sack of toxic crap that's pumped up with orange dye and hot air, and is sold to ignorant masses with no taste.

The other is a corn-based snack food.

I quit my job at the radioactive waste treatment plant.

It had a toxic work environment.

What did people call Iron Man after he started playing "League of Legends?"

The Toxic Avenger.

My last relationship was with an Apex lengend

It was toxic.

Everyone around me calls me aimless.

It was time for me to move away from all these toxic people to a whole new place. So, I bought a large US map, put it on the wall, and decided to move to the place my dart hits.



Viva la Vida, here I come, Rio.

Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up?

Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it.

A boy is walking home with groceries and his border collie...

... and he comes across a pool of toxic waste.
Absolutely shocked at this sight, he dropped his groceries and let go of his dog. His dog wasn't the smartest, and it jumped into the toxic waste. The boy's groceries also fell in. After finally recovering, the boy called the cops to report both h...

My cat had a hairball caught in her throat

It was awful, she couldn't get it out. She'd wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I...uh what? He explained further - vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and ...

Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation?

Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teenage boys will masturbate to anything.

That's why I know so much about toxic shock syndrome.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.