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A plastic surgeon was offering discounts on breast implants.

The sign read:

A sale of two titties

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

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A sex worker goes to the plastic surgeon...

...and says "Doctor, can you implant some pubic hair around my belly button?" The doctor asks "Yes, but why?" The sex worker replies "The work's been good, tryna start a franchise!"

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.
When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

What do you call a Karen that works as a Plastic Surgeon?

A Botch

A woman consulted a plastic surgeon...

...and asked for a breast enlargement. After the doctor explained the procedure and the costs she stated that she couldn’t afford that much. The doctor replies that he recently heard of a new method: „Just take some toilet paper and rub it up and down your chest once or twice a day.“ Surprised the w...

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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about m...

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened t...

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A whale goes to a plastic surgeon

He gets a blowjob

I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants

He just replied "Si"

What did the plastic surgeon say to the patient?

Happy new ear.

What was the plastic surgeon priest’s favourite thing to do?

Alter boys

A man takes his wife to the plastic surgeon to get some work done on her lips and eyes...

It's supposed to be a fairly simple procedure, in and out in about an hour. An hour goes by, and the wife hasn't come out. Another hour passes, nothing. After three hours the surgeon finally came out.with a funny look on his face


"So how is she, Doc?" the man asks. "More work than you e...

I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times!

And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!

There were three plastic surgeons

And a wooden one

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

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What do a plastic surgeon and a chicken farmer have in common?

They both give you big breasts.

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

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A plastic surgeon invented a new experimental facelift technique called The Dial.

It consisted of installing a dial on the top of the patients head that could be rotated to tighten the skin. A woman signs up for the procedure and every goes well until she returns to him a couple weeks later.

"Doctor, everything was going fine, but a few days ago I noticed that I was develo...

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My plastic surgeon thinks his new girlfriend's pussy is too tight.

But he really likes her so he's going to cut her some slack.

Why is summer a plastic surgeon's favorite season?

It's a great time to make some mammories

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

No plastic surgeon will help me!

I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

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Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon...

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon for a labiaplasty. She says " Doctor, I'm embarrassed by my pussy lips, so I don't want anyone to know about this".
When she wakes up from surgery, there are 3 flowers by her bed. "Doctor, you said you wouldn't tell anyone. Why are there three flowers?"
"One i...

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

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I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night...

He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.

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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon,

A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable.

Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!"


- credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time.

My son's Action Man needed repairing.

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and a school inspector?

A plastic surgeon tucks features...

Plastic surgeons don't get along with me.

But they bring out the breast in my wife.

I used to be a plastic surgeon

Which raised a few eyebrows.

I'm hesitant to go ahead with my new plastic surgeon since he said he could give me "the parts of an animal"

I was all gung-ho before, but now he's given me paws

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A middle aged woman goes to a plastic surgeon....

And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts."

The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basi...

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

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There was a lady that was getting married for the eighth time.

She went to a plastic surgeon and asked if he could make her a virgin again, and if he could do it without telling anyone.
He explained to her that he could and that legally he can not tell anyone about the surgery.
She went ahead and had the surgery, but when she woke up she saw three bouquet...

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty?

Faith lifts

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A teacher worked for an affluential school

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"<...

My girlfriend got her good looks from her father

He's a plastic surgeon

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

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A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants...

They're up for grabs.

Where's the best place to go to pick your nose?

Plastic Surgeon

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Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

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A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

I still howl at the old Monica Lewinsky classic.

She was feeling self conscious because the tabloids were labeling her pudgy. So she asks her plastic surgeon to remove her love handles. When she comes out of anesthesia and looks in the mirror, she notices she doesn't have ears anymore.

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

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Shotgun to the Crotch

Lem and Ephis are out hunting. They take a break to take a squirt in the woods when one of the dogs knocks over one of the shotguns. The gun goes off and hitting Ephis directly in the crotch.

Ephis screams in pain!

"Oh my God, Ephis!" says Lem, "We're going to have to get you to see ...

Booty

Woman goes to a plastic surgeon and says I want a J-Lo booty, after many hours of surgery she takes the bandages off and looks in the mirror only to see a jiggly, green booty............

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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Born with no eyelids

( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)

Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?

No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was wor...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

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Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?

The plastic surgeon chose to use foreskin from circumcisions the hospital had done as a replacement. Everything turned out great, but the kid ended up a little cock-eyed.

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

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There once were three girls who were ugly. So they decided to do something about it.

They went to a plastic surgeon first to see what their options were.
"It's hopeless, " he said," You guys are too ugly."
"We're girls, " they said.
"But...there is a way. There's a magic lake that can change your appearance to whomever or whatever you want to look like. All you have to do...

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A man was cursed with a 4ft penis.

It was so big, it impacted everything he did. He could hardly get around, let alone have sex. So one day he goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him, "I'm sorry, there's really nothing I can do for you, try the plastic surgeon." So he goes to the plastic surgeon, and he says, "I'm sorry, there's re...

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So we're telling our grandfathers jokes? Alright then.

My grandfather was a doctor, so he had some fun ones. This was one of his favorite:

A boy was born mostly healthy, but with a strange mutation that left him with no left eyelid. The doctors were a bit stunned at first, but called in a plastic surgeon to consult. They needed to figure out a wa...

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It was taking me so long to pick my nose...

That my impatient plastic surgeon suggested that I get a boob job instead.

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We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.

He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.

Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he ask...

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Radar Gun

During an uneventful evening a cop at a speed trap has pulled over a speeding car.

*Cop*: "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*Man*: "I'm afraid I was speeding officer. But you see, I'm a plastic surgeon at a private clinic and I was rushing to a client."
*Cop*: "What kind of a...

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There was a groundbreaking surgery performed here in Houston, TX.

A baby was born recently that had a congenital condition that caused problems with the development of the delicate tissues on his face. The poor child was born without eyelids. Resourceful doctors and surgeons came up with a plan to circumcise the baby boy and use his foreskin to construct new eyeli...

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Pick-up Line Put-Downs

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been ...

Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

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Plastic Surgery

A woman is seeing her plastic surgeon one day. He asks "What kind of procedure do you wish to have done?"

She replies, "Well I am awfully embarrassed by this but I need to make my pussy lips smaller." She opened her robe and they were huge.

The doctor exclaimed "We can handle that no...

Gujarati needs plastic surgery

One gujarati 'fell down the stairs' and broke his face. Doctors said he needed to get plastic surgery. So he goes to plastic surgeon.

"How much?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at his face and says "2 million"

"Oh no, that is too high. I have mouths to feed, si...

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