A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my throat and demanded that I pay up

To hell with the barbers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear???

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad thinks this will go viral. I disagree.

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

How many ears does Spock have?

3

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

Did y‌‌ou h‌‌ear a‌‌bout t‌‌he I‌‌talian c‌‌hef t‌‌hat d‌‌ied?

He p‌‌asta w‌‌ay.

W‌‌e c‌‌annoli d‌‌o s‌‌o m‌‌uch.

H‌‌is l‌‌egacy w‌‌ill b‌‌e a‌‌ p‌‌izza h‌‌istory.

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

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This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"Sex?" she asked.

"Male," I replied.

Two friends meet up, one of them has bandages over his ears

-Hey, man, what happened?

-Well, I was still sleepy when I was ironing my clothes in the morning, I heard my phone ringing and put the iron against my ear!

-Oh man, that’s rough. Hold on, you burned your ear, but why is the other one also bandaged?

-I immediately called an ambul...

I enter through one ear, leave through the other one, but still stay inside. What am I?

A pickaxe.

if you have ringing in your ear

do you have an ear-ring

What do blondes put behind their ears to make themselves more attractive?

Their ankles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

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What did the airline stewardess say to the passenger who whispered in her ear that his last dying wish was to join the mile high club? (NSFW)

"I don't give a flying fuck!"

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

Was shopping at the grocery store and I saw that an ear of corn was a dollar

A Buck an Ear?


That's Piracy, man.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

I know some pretty bad ear jokes

But eye jokes are cornea

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.

The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'

The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'

'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears?

Ugly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

A man finds a native American with his ear pressed to the ground.

M: What is it?

NA: Buffalo come.

M: Wow, you can tell that from listening to the ground?

NA: No, sticky ear.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

If duct taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear and pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe—

hang on... I've gotta take this.

My gf said whisper something dirty in my ear....

So I said " Dishes,Laundry,bathtub."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you get when you have unprotected ear sex?

hearing AIDS

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"

"Eye Eye, Captain!"

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

How much does a pirate charge to pierce ears?

A-buck-an-ear

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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

Why can't our ears hear very high pitched sounds?

Because it hertz.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I have a fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell my why

Me: *shrieks in terror*

What do you call a guy with an ear fetish

Hard for hearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

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Son and earing

Son comes home with new earring. When father finds out he tells his son that Back in his days only homosexuals or pirates would wear earrings, so i will look outside of window and you better pray i find your ship there.

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Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. But he was born with no ears.

Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"

The baby's mom said it was perfect.

Johnny ...

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Nurse: "Dr, why do you have a rectal thermometer behind your ear?"

Dr, after grabbing thermometer: "dammit, some asshole has my pencil."

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

What's the opposite of an elephant ear?

Who cares? It's completely *earelephant*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other

"You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.  "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."  Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,...

‌‌My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...

Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

I’ve been teaching myself to play the piano by ear.

It really bruised the side of my head.

What do you call a bear that's lost an ear?

A b.

What do you call a bear that's lost both ears?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

I'm getting a tattoo of an elephant on my ear...

The only reason I'm doing this is so when people ask me "Why do you have a tattoo of an elephant on your ear?" I can say "Don't worry about it. It's ear elephant."

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A blond with two red ears goes to her doctor

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, ''I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.''

''Oh Dear!'' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. ''But, what happened to your other...

Condoms are like ear muffs.

They prevent a lot of noise.

A wife says to her husband..."I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear"

To which the husband replies:

"kitchen, bathroom, livingroom".

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The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman,

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

Found this on YouTube a few years ago

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest b...

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

Thing about corny jokes...

Some can be a real EAR full, but a few of them really POP

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. “You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

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A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
...

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A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

My girlfriend has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh

If you put your ear on it, you can smell the sea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"

All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the girl walked quie...

Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes. He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, again he rolls his eyes and they tell him he has one more wish!, he says “I want to talk to my horse” this time he screams into the horses ear,.. I said Posse !

Timed Gas

Timed Gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was starin...

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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TIL: Daniel Boone wore coon hats because he was born with an ear-shaped growth on his forehead

And that’s why people talk about the Wild Front Ear

Did you know Adam cut his wife's ears off to celebrate the first year?

Adam: "Happy no ears, Eve!"

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

I once heard that JFK was the most arrogant President:

It’s always in one ear and out the other with that man.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

Friend: Dude,i am in pain. I just got my ear operation done and had to get a new one.

Me: HAPPY NEW EAR.






(I am giving you permission to kill me for this *joke*)

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Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

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A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

I'd f--- you in the ear

But you'd hear me coming

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

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My girlfriend really likes it when I fuck her in her ear.

Every time I try and put it in her mouth she turns her head.

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

What's the difference between a chickpea and an ear of corn?

I've never paid $20 to have an ear of corn on my face

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Walk in the park...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."


"You gotta be kiddin' me."


"No, would y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and tied up.

The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.

Bleating wildly, he exclaims “how could the farmer do this to me!”

A wise elder sheep says, “calm down, son. What happened?”

The young sheep, still hysterical, cries “i was the most beau...

A man walks into his orchestra rehearsal...

carrying some corn on the cob as his instrument.

The conductor asks him “Will you need any sheet music?”

The man replies, “Nah, I’ll play it by ear.”

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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Hurts all over

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch my knee, it hurts when I touch my cheek, it hurts when I touch my ear ..” doctor examines him, then says: "You’ve got sprained finger, you fucking moron.”

A guy goes to the doctor...

A guy goes to the doctor, he walks into the doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a courgette (zucchini) up his nose.

The doctor immediately says '*before you sit down, i can tell what's wrong with you.'* *'Oh yeah!?'* says the guy.

*'Sure'* says the doctor - *'you're not eating...

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so....

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NSFW Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper i...

My grandfather told me this one

Doctor: "so tell me, how did you burn your ear?"


Patient: "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear"


Doctor: "so how did your other ear burn?"


Patient: "well I had to call an ambulance didn't I?"

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

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Good jokes.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?

A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
X------------------------X
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I...

A young salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. The most beautiful woman he has ever seen answers, dressed in only a slinky negligee. She asks "Do you like what you see?" Slack jawed, the man finally manages to stutter "uh... yes, very much!"

She says "Quickly, step inside, I think I hear someone coming."

Once inside the beautiful woman drops her negligee and is completely naked. With a smile she asks "What do you think is the most sensitive part of my body?"

The salesman says "I guess that would have to be your ears."...

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