The 117+ Best Ear Jokes

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear

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A lady comes home from her doctors appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation....

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

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The victim was found with semen in her ear

I guess you could say she could hear the killer coming.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

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I fucked a girl in her ear

I should get tested because she now has hearing aids

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

What do you call a bear missing an ear?

A b

I went to the doctor complaining about wax in my ear

"Which ear is it?" She said

"2022" I replied

How much did it cost the pirate to have his ears pierced?

A buck an ear

I used to play piano by ear.

I had to stop because of the bruises.

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

A very old man goes to the doctor complaining about his ear

"I think there's wax in one my ears, I barely can hear with it" he says
"Which ear is it?" Says the doctor
"2021" replies the old man

My friend told me had hearing loss in his right ear. I said, "are you certain?"

And he said, "yes. I'm definite."

If you put your ear on a red stove

you can smell, how stupid your are..

What’s the #1 cure for headaches and ear pains?

Divorce

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

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As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

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A woman was getting bored with the sex life with her husband, and decided some sexy talk would spice things up. So one day when things are getting intimate she says to her husband, "say dirty things to me." The husband smiles, leans in and gently brushing his lips to her ear whispers...

"^the ^dishes, ^^the ^^living ^^room ^^carpet, ^^^behind ^^^the ^^^fridge"

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill…

My go-to pickup move when I'd just walk next to a girl in the bar and whisper in her ear "If I get excited,I can touch the bottom of the Pringles can" and see how their eyes light up excitement

I love these new snack size ones.

A man walks in to a bar with a banana in his ear

Barman : Excuse me sir, but did you know that there is a banana in your ear?

Man : What was that?

Barman : There's a banana in your ear!

Man 2 : What?

Barman : YOU HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!

Man : WHAT?

Barman : THERE IS A *BANANA* IN YOUR *EAR*!!!

Ma...

I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

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A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear...

She says, "No, I'll go deaf."

He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."

What has long ears, whiskers and says, "You talkin' to me?!"

Rabbit DeNiro

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Did you hear about the rabbit with the one floppy ear?

He had ear-rectile dysfunction

what has ears but doesn't listen?

men.

credit: -my wife

Q: What do you call a bear with three ears?

A: Bearearear

what goes in one ear and out of the other one at the same time?

pickaxe

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

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I went to the E.R. with celery in my ears and a drumstick up my butt

The doctor told me that I needed to start eating right.

I get a ringing in my ears when it gets dark.

It’s a condition called “tonightis”

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

A Blonde guy burned two ears...

So they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

Why do used cards have dog ears?

They have ruff edges

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

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I went to the doctors about my ears

**Me:** Doctor, I have a hearing problem

**Doctor:** Can you describe the symptoms

**Me:** Homer is a fat, yellow bastard and Marge has blue hair

Told my wife about the ringing in my ears.

She said it’s tinnitus. I told her I’ve heard that before.

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

Doctor: " So,you're telling me that you have a problem with one of your ears. Are you sure ?"

"YES DOCTOR....I"M DEFINITE."

Vincent, did it hurt when you lost you ear?

No, I cut it off in One Gogh.

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Ear sex

Husband tells his wife of 20 yrs to get ready because that night they're doing it in the ear. She protests thats crazy and she'll end up deaf. He replies that's nonsense because despite all the BJ's she never shuts the fuck up

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

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I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Fucking ugly

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A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

What kind of ears does Thomas the Tank Engine have?

Engineers

I have a strawberry growing out of my ear...

I went to see my doctor about it, and he told me to put some cream on it.

What do you call bears without ears?

Bees!

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

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My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears !

"Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"

"In the next town over !"

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

During a wake I walked up to the widow and whispered ‘Plethora’ in her ear...

She said ‘Thanks, that means a lot’

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’

So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What did the ear say after it was hit with a high frequency?

It Hz.

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

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A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.

She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"God damnit, some Asshole's got my pen!"

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

No ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telec...

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Proof that a cockroach has ears in its legs

If you scream at it, it runs away

If you take off its legs then scream at it, it wont run

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

She whispered in my ear, "I want you inside me"

She was surprised when I stuck my finger In her ear

Ear me now

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are out riding the planes one day looking for signs of the herd when suddenly Tonto leaps from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come" he says a few moments later. "Amazing!" says the Lone Ranger, "Can you sense the herd moving Tonto?" "No" says Tonto, "...

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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One eared Admiral

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appe...

A couple are at the church when the wife whispers into the husband's ear "I just let out a silent fart. What do I do?"

He responds:

"Get your ears checked"

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

What do you call someone who gets off by someone yelling in their ear and strangling them?

Otoerotic asphyxiation.

A man had a workplace accident which caused him to lose one of his ear.

He had no choice but to get a ear prosthetic to replace his lost ear. However, he seemed to be a completely changed person, from his mannerisms to his personality. His colleague finally caved and asked him one day: "Hey, why have you changed so much since the accident?". To which he replied:
...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

Why did the pirate get $2 ear rings?

Because they're a buck an ear!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish

Almost everyone eats corn

What did the passing wind whisper in the man's ear

Whoosh..!

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