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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

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She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

Did you hear the one about the guy who lost both his ears in a car crash?

He didn't either.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3

A Left Ear

A Right Ear

And a Final Front-Ear

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”

​

The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”

​

“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear...

...you can hear the OSHA

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

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One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt...

The doctor asks her what had happened.

She says: "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.

"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The bastard called again!"

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears?

Neither did they.

What do you call a bear with no ears?

A B

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

How do you make a blonde burn her ear?

Phone her while she's doing her ironing.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck An Ear

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

I have six eyes, 2 mouths and three ears, What am I?

Ugly

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?

A job

Why do hookers wear condoms on their ears?

So they don’t get hearing aids

The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits...

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

What did Van Gogh call his other ear?

Van Stay

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

I keep hearing high pitched Christmas songs in my ear.

My Doctor thinks it might be tinseltus.

Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm definite

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."

​

"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.

​

"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travellin...

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

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What does a 14 ear old pregnant girl have in common with her fetus

There’re both gonna say “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me”

Friend: My ear is ringing, it really hurts.

Other friend: Then pick it up buddy.

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Saw my dog lying down with one ear pointing straight up.

I think he had an ear-ection

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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

How do you call a man without left ear, without left arm and without left leg?

All right.

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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy,...

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So t...

Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up.

Unless you’re at the ear doctor.

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said ‘Christ man, how did you manage that?!’

The man replied ‘Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can’t believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!’

The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘t...

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What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s anatomy while he’s masturbating?

His ears.

What do you call two ears of corn having a fight?

Corn beef

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of cou...

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Last night on CSI they found semen in a dead woman's ear.

I guess she heard her killer coming.

What is it called when you hear a jingle in your right ear but not in your left?

Earring loss.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

My elevator has an ear infection

It must be Otistis

How does a girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.

“How did you manage to get these burns?” the doctor asks.

“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear.” the man replies.

“But you burnt both of them!” the doctor says con...

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A guy forced his penis into my ear canal and literally destroyed my ear...

And now I got hearing AIDS.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

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I’m having a drink in a nicer bar in my town, when a guy yells in my ear, “Bitch, I fucked your grandma!”

I turn around, look him in the eye, and say, “Go home grandpa, you’re drunk”

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

(Joke my 7 ear old brother made) What does a wrestler say when someone tells a bad joke?

You gotta work on your punchline.

I’ve been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.

I’m having some pretty bad Bach pains.