UPJOKE
earlobeinner eareardrumthroatear canaltragusearringhearingneckhearbonespikereceptorhairearpiece

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

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A lady comes home from her doctors appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation....

I went to the doctor's about my blocked ear, "Which ear is it ?" he asked...

It's 2022 I replied..

Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears !

"Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"

"In the next town over !"

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I fucked a girl in her ear

I should get tested because she now has hearing aids

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The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Did you know that Captain Kirk had 3 ears?

A left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

A man walks in to the doctor’s office with a banana in his ear… the doctor says,

You’re not eating correctly.

what has ears but doesn't listen?

men.

credit: -my wife

My dog has one floppy ear.

She suffers from earectile dysfunction.

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

How much does it cost for pirates to get their ears pierced?

About a Buccaneer

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

What kind of ears does Thomas the Tank Engine have?

Engineers

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

I have a strawberry growing out of my ear...

I went to see my doctor about it, and he told me to put some cream on it.

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and...

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Nsfw.. I apolagised to my wife during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

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Proof that a cockroach has ears in its legs

If you scream at it, it runs away

If you take off its legs then scream at it, it wont run

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Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge"

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies

"But the discharge is in my ear!!!!

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

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As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

So I woke up this morning with a bit of bacon growing out of each ear, i went to the doctors he examined me and this was his final diagnosis...

I can't be cured...

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.

I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

Doctor: "So, you're telling me that you have a problem with one of your ears. Are you sure?"

Me: :YES doctor, I'm definite. "

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

This is true: I picked up a pack of ear plugs at work today and it had three in the pack

The maintenance guy said “that’s the Spock pack”

Me: “Spock pack?”

Maint: “aye; one for the left ear, one for the right ear - and one for the final front ear”

A Man Notices his Co-Worker Wearing an Earring One Day

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
<...

I went to see the doctor for a problem with my ears.

“What are the symptoms?” asked the doctor.

“They’re a funny yellow family on TV”

Vincent, did it hurt when you lost you ear?

No, I cut it off in One Gogh.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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Ear sex

Husband tells his wife of 20 yrs to get ready because that night they're doing it in the ear. She protests thats crazy and she'll end up deaf. He replies that's nonsense because despite all the BJ's she never shuts the fuck up

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

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Is sex better for men or women?

I just had a discussion with my wife about sex being better for either men or women.

She said; "Of course for women! When you have that itch in your ear, and you put your finger in to scratch it, where does it feel better? On your finger or in the ear?!"

I still am speechless.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and sa...

A man had bandages on both ears

His friend asked “what happened to your ears?”

The man said “I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.”

“Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?”

“Well the burn was quite painful so ...

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

What do you call bears without ears?

Bees!

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

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A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.

She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"God damnit, some Asshole's got my pen!"

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

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Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

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Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

We've all heard about Russian Roulette but how many of you have heard about Indian Roulette?

They give you a flute and six large deadly cobras.

And one of the cobras is deaf.

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God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.

God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?"

"Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was *awesome*. We're going to call it 'sex'!"

God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You a...

I tried to warn him about playing Russian roulette.

But it went in one ear and came out the other.

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

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A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

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A man walks into the doctors office

"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the elderly receptionist.
"Somethings wrong with my dick!"
"Sir!" The receptionist exclaimed "you can't say that in front of everyone! You just embarrassed me and you embarrassed everyone in the waiting room."
"Well you asked" said the man.
"Yah but y...

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ears...

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Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

Ear me now

Tonto and the Lone Ranger are out riding the planes one day looking for signs of the herd when suddenly Tonto leaps from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come" he says a few moments later. "Amazing!" says the Lone Ranger, "Can you sense the herd moving Tonto?" "No" says Tonto, "...

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Two guys are working a roofing job for a high rise condo

One guy is on the roof and the other is on the ground

The foreman on the roof realizes he forgot to grab his hand saw, so he goes to the edge to yell to his partner to bring it up.

"Hey! I need my hand saw!"

His partner cups his ear as if he didn't understand.

"**I NEED ...

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

Did y‌‌ou h‌‌ear a‌‌bout t‌‌he I‌‌talian c‌‌hef t‌‌hat d‌‌ied?

He p‌‌asta w‌‌ay.

W‌‌e c‌‌annoli d‌‌o s‌‌o m‌‌uch.

H‌‌is l‌‌egacy w‌‌ill b‌‌e a‌‌ p‌‌izza h‌‌istory.

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L‌‌ittle 8‌‌ y‌‌ear o‌‌ld S‌‌usie i‌‌s i‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ack y‌‌ard d‌‌igging a‌‌ h‌‌ole.

Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says, "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks, "Why is the ...

A Ranger was given the job of

hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an aboriginal Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The Ranger scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothi...

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

What do you call a deer with hooves in its ears?

Anything you want, he can't hear you!

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Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.


The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into...

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’

So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"Sex?" she asked.

"Male," I replied.

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

She whispered in my ear, "I want you inside me"

She was surprised when I stuck my finger In her ear

What do you call an elephant small enough to fit in your ear?

It's earelephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

I have 8 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears. What am I?

Ugly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

Went to get my ears syringed and discovered to my pleasure that my local doctor is an antivaxxer.

No, wait, sorry - _antiwaxer_, that was it.

Read This One In Playboy Decades Ago

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the butthole of a donkey?

An asshole.

How about the mouth?

An asshole.

How about the ear?

An asshole.

How about the hair?

That's just hair you idiot.

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old folks home decided to put on a little mixer for the residents.

The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing.

After a while, Harold and Lillian began slow dancing. Harold whispered in her ear that he’d like her to come back to his place for some sex. She agrees and off they go.

After an enthusiastic toss in the h...

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

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