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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Ugly

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

I told my doctor I couldn’t hear out of my left ear.

He asked,” Are you sure?”

“I’m definite.”

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

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The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

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A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in

It was a near deaf experience.

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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

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Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.

She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."

"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"

"Well, I *had* to call an ambulance!"

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

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She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

Did you hear the one about the guy who lost both his ears in a car crash?

He didn't either.

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A homosexual couple is having sex for the first time

one says to the other "we need to practice safe sex so i brought condoms."

He first puts a condom on his tongue

the second man says to him "why do you need one on your tongue?"

the first one responses with "its for if i do a rimjob"

he then puts 5 on his fingers

...

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”

​

The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”

​

“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

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I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears?

Neither did they.

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits...

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A Buck An Ear

What do you call a bear with no ears?

A B

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?

A job

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

What did Van Gogh call his other ear?

Van Stay

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm definite

What was Van Gogh's least favourite vegetable? An ear of cauliflower.

Sorry it was an arty joke.

I keep hearing high pitched Christmas songs in my ear.

My Doctor thinks it might be tinseltus.

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."

​

"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.

​

"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travellin...

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What does a 14 ear old pregnant girl have in common with her fetus

There’re both gonna say “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me”

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Friend: My ear is ringing, it really hurts.

Other friend: Then pick it up buddy.

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So t...

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

Saw my dog lying down with one ear pointing straight up.

I think he had an ear-ection

How do you call a man without left ear, without left arm and without left leg?

All right.

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy,...

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said ‘Christ man, how did you manage that?!’

The man replied ‘Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can’t believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!’

The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘t...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s anatomy while he’s masturbating?

His ears.

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up.

Unless you’re at the ear doctor.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of cou...

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Last night on CSI they found semen in a dead woman's ear.

I guess she heard her killer coming.

What is it called when you hear a jingle in your right ear but not in your left?

Earring loss.

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What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

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