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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

What's the suicide bomber's worst fear?

Dying alone.

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears?

A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?

A job

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

I have six eyes, 2 mouths and three ears, What am I?

Ugly

The boss with no ears

Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits...

What did Van Gogh call his other ear?

Van Stay

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

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i would fuck you in the ear

but you'd hear me coming

I licked my partners ear...

And caught hearing aids

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Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg...

You could hear them say:

 
**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??**

Why do hookers wear condoms on their ears?

So they don’t get hearing aids

Yesterday I met a person without left arm, left leg, left eye and left ear. I asked him how it felt.

He said: "Allright"

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

I keep hearing high pitched Christmas songs in my ear.

My Doctor thinks it might be tinseltus.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

What was Van Gogh's least favourite vegetable? An ear of cauliflower.

Sorry it was an arty joke.

What would happen if we could only hear jokes out of one ear?

All jokes aside though...

How much does a pirate pay for ear rings?

A buck an ear

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm definite

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

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A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

Friend: My ear is ringing, it really hurts.

Other friend: Then pick it up buddy.

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer.

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What does a 14 ear old pregnant girl have in common with her fetus

There’re both gonna say “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me”

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Today, a man twisted my ear, put a blade to my neck and, at end, asked for money.

Fucking Barber.

Saw my dog lying down with one ear pointing straight up.

I think he had an ear-ection

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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."

​

"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.

​

"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travellin...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

What do you call a creature with 6 legs, 3 eyes, 2 noses and no ears?

Anything you want, it can't hear you

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So t...

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar....

Upon sitting down, he notices a sizeable jar behind the bar, full to the brim with $50 notes.

He says to the barmaid: “What’s with all the cash in the jar?”

The barmaid replies: “It’s for our bar challenge, which consists of three different tasks”. Y...

Irregular is something you never want to hear at a check up.

Unless you’re at the ear doctor.

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So they say masturbation regularly is supposed to increase how long you live by about a year and a half.

I have done the math, and figured out that I am, in fact, immortal.

The Admiral with only one ear..

Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship's hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
 
Since he wasn't physicall...

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said ‘Christ man, how did you manage that?!’

The man replied ‘Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can’t believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!’

The doctor thought for a moment and said ‘t...

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A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat...

A kindergarten student told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her student. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?!?!" the teacher yelled in shock. "You know," explained the boy,...

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What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s anatomy while he’s masturbating?

His ears.

What is it called when you hear a jingle in your right ear but not in your left?

Earring loss.

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of cou...

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Last night on CSI they found semen in a dead woman's ear.

I guess she heard her killer coming.

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear.

After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 

'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied. 

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what w...

How does a girl hold her liquor?

By the ears.

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he screeched, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, because everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?!” I cried.

“It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture! Look!” he shouted, pointing excitedly.

And so it did...A F R I C A N Elephant.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.

“How did you manage to get these burns?” the doctor asks.

“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear.” the man replies.

“But you burnt both of them!” the doctor says con...

My elevator has an ear infection

It must be Otistis

Trump is really good about his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.
He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.
He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president we’ve ever had.

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What's the result of unprotected ear sex?

Hearing AIDS.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m having a drink in a nicer bar in my town, when a guy yells in my ear, “Bitch, I fucked your grandma!”

I turn around, look him in the eye, and say, “Go home grandpa, you’re drunk”

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A guy forced his penis into my ear canal and literally destroyed my ear...

And now I got hearing AIDS.

The wind whispered insults in my ear today

It was really diss gusting

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

Sodomy through the ear is a new trend

but now hearing aids are spreading

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

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No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

You can tell a lot about a girl from her shoes.

For example: if they’re behind her ears, she likes you.

(Joke my 7 ear old brother made) What does a wrestler say when someone tells a bad joke?

You gotta work on your punchline.

I’ve been listening to classical music too loud and now my ears hurt.

I’m having some pretty bad Bach pains.

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears.

Turns out i just need hearing aids.

We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?

And with this fingering I give you my hand in marriage....

What do you call a potato and an ear of corn in a police car?

Starchy and Husk

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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Talk Like A Pirate Day

How the fuck am I supposed to learn Somali?

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

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What do you call a dog with no ears?

whatever the fuck you want

I went to my ear doctor

I payed $200 and he didn’t say a thing!

A man whispered something in his friend's ear, making him fall dead on the ground. What did he say?

Pew pew pew...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

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So Mrs. Smith decides she wants vaginal rejuvenation

So Mrs. Smith has been around the block a time or two, and she decides she wants vaginal rejuvenation. She finds a surgeon who performs the procedure and has a consultation with him. In the discussion she tells the surgeon that she absolutely does not want a single word of her having the procedure t...

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

What did the magician say before he turned his assistant into an ear of corn?

Prepare to be a-maize-d

Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.