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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

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Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear...

them yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

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What do a wet finger in my ear and your mom have in common?

They both gave me a wet willy.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

How much should a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

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What do you get when Freddy Mercury fucks your ear?

Hearing aids

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in the milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.

Don't ever get abducted by someone with an ear fetish. NSFW

Eventually, you'll end up with hearing aids.

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My girlfriend really likes it when I fuck her in her ear.

Every time I try and put it in her mouth she turns her head.

I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

Apparantly part of a Hong Kong politician's ear was bit off.

I'm glad Mike Tyson is giving his all to these protests

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

Aw shucks!

What do you call a ring for your ear?

Tinnitus.

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A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"

"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."

"And what about the other ear?"

The woman scoffed.

"The fuc...

Why do we have two ears?

Because every ear needs an ear-bud.

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.


P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?

Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

What do you call bears with no ears?

B



I'm sorry

What's that behind your ear?

It's a hearing aid!

"What?"

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Why did a prostitute wear a condom in her ear?

She didn’t want to get hearing aids

My wife has a tattoo of a sea shell

on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Did you hear about the man who got his ear blown off?

Turns out he *wasn't* out of earshot.

What do you call someone with no ears?

Whatever you want

A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

My Mum gave me a right earful and a lecture about having an imaginary friend, after that she said get your coat: I said why where are we going? She replied.

Church:

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

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Did you hear about the man who attacks people and fucks them in the ear?

I guess you can say, they heard their assailant coming...

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

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The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

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Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

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What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates?

His ears

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.

She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."

"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"

"Well, I *had* to call an ambulance!"

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

Did you hear the one about the guy who lost both his ears in a car crash?

He didn't either.

My little brother (5) told me a joke that I kind of had to share.

¨Hey, sis?¨

¨Yeah?¨

¨Can I tell you this new joke I learned?¨

¨Sure, go for it!¨

¨Knock, knock!¨

¨Who is there?¨

¨Knock knock..!¨

¨Who is there?¨

And that continued for about 2 more times. Until he asked me to come closer and whispered in my ea...

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

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A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in

It was a near deaf experience.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

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I bought a bottle of shampoo the other day, which promised to “increase volume”

What a load of shit, I poured half the bottle into my ear and if anything it did the opposite

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”



The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”



“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears?

Neither did they.

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

My first girlfriend was experienced

On our third date my girlfriend and I made our way to the back seat of my car. I explained I was new at this so needed instruction. She unbuckled her pants and told me to start rubbing her tummy and whisper in her ear. As I rubbed her tummy and whispered "I love you" in her ear she said "lower, lowe...

A father had a very rowdy son

He would never listen to his father, always disobeying rules, and being rebellious at every chance. The father often told the boy, "You should be more respectful of others", to no avail as his words fell on deaf ears. His pranks were, quite frankly, annoying to the neighbours, but what did the son c...

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
Th...

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?

A job

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