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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

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When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Don't ever get abducted by someone with an ear fetish. NSFW

Eventually, you'll end up with hearing aids.

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

Did you hear about the two ears that fell in love and ran away together?

They earloped.

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A woman walks into a hospital with 2 burned ears

They ask "How on Earth did this happen?!"

"Well," The woman starts. "I was ironing my husband's shirt when the phone rang. I mistook the iron for my phone, and put it up to my ear, and that's how it got burned."

"And what about the other ear?"

The woman scoffed.

"The fuc...

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

Why do we have two ears?

Because every ear needs an ear-bud.

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My girlfriend really likes it when I fuck her in her ear.

Every time I try and put it in her mouth she turns her head.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

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Why did a prostitute wear a condom in her ear?

She didn’t want to get hearing aids

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?

Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I ?

Ugly.

What did the ear of corn say when it's clothes fell off?

Aww shucks



Stolen from Bo Burnham but it's a good one

Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

What do you call someone with 6 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears?

Ugly

My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.


P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Did you hear about the man who got his ear blown off?

Turns out he *wasn't* out of earshot.

What do you call bears with no ears?

B



I'm sorry

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

I invented a small fan that fits in your ear.

It’s mind-blowing.

What do you hear if you take a construction worker's hat off and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA.

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A Husband Whispers in his Wife's Ear at the Bar

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!"

OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?"
...

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The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

How do you burn an Irishman's ear?

Call him while he's doing the ironing

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

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A blonde goes to a hospital with both ears burnt.

The doctor looks and says "ooof, what happened there?"

The blonde, in pain tells the doctor "I was ironing while the phone rang and mistakenly I have put my iron on my ear instead of the phone."

The doctor rather confused, asked the blonde "so what happened to the other ear?"

T...

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Did you hear about the man who attacks people and fucks them in the ear?

I guess you can say, they heard their assailant coming...

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

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A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.

She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."

"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"

"Well, I *had* to call an ambulance!"

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

Everyone said to Vincent Van Gogh " You can't be a great painter, you've only got one ear" And you know what he said? "

“You’ll have to speak up, I’ve only got one ear”

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

One man to another: "Excuse me, you have a banana in your ear!"

The other says: "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!"

Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in

It was a near deaf experience.

"I say Long John Silver, I really like your earrings, how much were they?"

"2 dollars"
"They're not bad at all for a buccaneer".

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I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

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Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

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A homosexual couple is having sex for the first time

one says to the other "we need to practice safe sex so i brought condoms."

He first puts a condom on his tongue

the second man says to him "why do you need one on your tongue?"

the first one responses with "its for if i do a rimjob"

he then puts 5 on his fingers

...

Did you hear the one about the guy who lost both his ears in a car crash?

He didn't either.

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Two cowboys ride up on an Indian that's lying on his belly with his ear to the ground.

The older cowboy turns to the younger ine and says, "You see that? Just by putting his ear to the ground he can hear what's coming from miles off."

The Indian lifts his head and says, "A full wagon, drawn by a single horse, two passengers and a dog."

The Indian puts his head back down ...

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.

He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, “Hey, do you see my ear down there?”



The guy on the street picks up an ear. “Is this it?”



“No,” replies the construction worker, “Mine had a pencil behind it.”

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.
...

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

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Why did the carpenter have a tampon behind his ear?

To remind them of the cunt that stole their pencil.

It’s over three weeks since I went to the doctors to get my ears looked at

And I still haven’t heard anything

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears?

Neither did they.

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

...but I've heard good things

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Today I asked my doctor if she was willing to complete my ear surgery.

I'm excited to hear from her!

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

Doc, I've got a problem with my left ear

Doc: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, I'm definite

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

A pioneer in a wagon was on a trail heading west when he came across an Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground

He stops perplexed at the sight. And he hears the Indian speak slowly and softly.

"Settlers, covered wagon, man, woman, two children, a dog with a limp."

Amazed, the pioneer said, "You can tell all of that just by putting your head to the ground."

"No," said the Indian. "They ...

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut c...

What did Van Gogh call his other ear?

Van Stay

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

What's better than stretching your ear lobe to 3 inches?

A job

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Why does a mosquito buzz in your ears?

It doesn't. It buzzes everywhere, only you can hear it from your ears.

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What does a 14 ear old pregnant girl have in common with her fetus

There’re both gonna say “oh shit, my mom is going to kill me”

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

A cowboy is riding along when he comes across a Indian with his ear to the ground

The cowboy wonders what the Indian is doing, but before he can ask, the Indian says, "A wagon came through here four hours ago."



"That's amazing!" the cowboy exclaimed.



"It was carrying a family of a husband, wife, and two little girls, travelling west."



...

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get the fuck out!". So t...

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