What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

What do you get if you boil a funny bone?

Laughing stock.

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

I started dating my friend's sister and he says we're now Napoleon friends

Because we're only a bone apart.

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

I made a joke about the bone of my upper arm

It was humerus

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?

Once you’re done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.

What do you call a cow....

With no legs? - Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? - T bone

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? - Lean beef

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? - Tri-tip

What do you call a cow with 4 legs? - Cow

What do you call a cow with 5 legs? - McDonald's

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

Med School

This happened while I was in my first year of medical school. I was taking an exam in anatomy. It was really tough. They asked questions like, "How many bones are there in the hand?" I was stymied. I kept saying to myself, "How many bones are there in the hand?" And then I heard this little voice th...

What do you call a baby in full plate armor?

*Infantry*




Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.

He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man, “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tort...

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What's common between strippers and giants?

They both grind men's bones to make bread

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

Kid in a multi-player lobby: "Do you guys have skin?"

Other player: "No, we only have bones and muscles."

A man and a woman sat down at a table to eat

I go up to them, ask what they would like to drink, and inform them of the specials tonight, the specials being a T-bone steak, or tilapia.

I take their orders and get them their drinks. A few minutes later, the chef signals that the orders are done.

Sitting on the delivery tray are 3...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

There were 3 prisoners: Billy, Bob, and Joe.

Billy was smart, Bob was an average human, and Joe was an idiot.

One day, Billy thought up a plan to escape.

He whispered to Bob, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Bob whispered to Joe, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Joe whispered to the guard, "We're bus...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

Why are cavemen afraid of skeletons?

Sticks and stones can't break their bones...

Thanks ladies and gentlemen...my 8 year old will be here all week...

Did you hear the one about the small bone?

It was only a little humerus

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

How do you keep a skeleton from joking?

Take away his funny bone.

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?

In a land far far away, lives a locksmith. This locksmith however, has two very special traits. One, he is an undead skeleton retired from being a lowly exp grind mob, and two, is able to open any lock. His skills are unrivaled, but when even he is stumped, he can detach one of his bones to utilize ...

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