There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!

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Wanna know what my funny bone is?

My dick i guess because girls laugh whenever they see it :(

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

What do chemists dogs do with their bones?

They Barium!

Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

What do you get if you boil a funny bone?

Laughing stock.

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

What is something that has always supported you, but you never care to see?

Your bones.

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

Why is it alright to debone a chicken

but boning a chicken gets you arrested.

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Why are women like KFC?

After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

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The dying man

I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a desk.

Then I saw her through the window. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall because I was on the third floor.

She rolled her deep blue eyes at me. I picked them up and rolled them back.

We ki...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

Grim Reaper

Late last night, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw Death come to take me. He stuck out one bony finger from his shroud and motioned for me to follow.

“Please!” I begged. Just give me a few more years.” Death just silently shook his head.

“I’ll do anything,” I exclai...

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

I started dating my friend's sister and he says we're now Napoleon friends

Because we're only a bone apart.

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1.

Break their bones; they have 206.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

Nate the Snake (Long)

There once was an island in the middle of the ocean, shaped somewhat like a dog bone, with two populated ends separated by a long narrow strip of land with a highway connecting the two ends of the island.

Oddly enough, the entire island was held up from sinking into the ocean by a big lever,...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

What does Kevin Spacey say when he's about to eat?

"bone a petite"

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?

Once you’re done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

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