Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

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I’m a bit of a bone enthusiast.

you could call me a boner

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

A skeleton lost his funny bone.

It was quite humerus.

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What did Anakin Skywalker get after being boned by the Emperor?

Siithylis.

Not the nursery rhyme you learned growing up- Old mother Hubbard

..went to the cupboard to fetch old Rover a bone,
when she bent over, Rover took over,
gave her a bone of his own!

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Wanna know what my funny bone is?

My dick i guess because girls laugh whenever they see it :(

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

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Is it true that milk builds strong bones?

Or is that just more propaganda to justify jerking off cows?

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

Which do you call a skeleton's hunger?

Bone-appetite

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

Jesus loves you

Great thing to hear in church...

... not so much in a Mexican prison.



(heard in the tv-series Flesh and Bone)

Newly Married Couple from honeymoon

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in...

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue making of its likeness. The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?" He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, you daft cunt!"

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

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A young man got lost in a forest,

after wandering around for a long time, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost in this forest," said the man. "Can you let me stay in your house for the night?"

"Certainly," the old man said, "but on one conditio...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

A blonde walks into a hospital

She complains that every bone in her body is broken.

The doctor says "where does it hurt?"

The blonde points at her leg, "here".

She points at her arm, "here"

She points at her other leg and arm "here and here".

The doctor examins her and promptly says "Ma'am, yo...

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

Why did the skeleton download Tinder?

He wanted to get boned.

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

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My son was excited about our Catholic church’s archeology class.

But all he saw was a bunch of old bones.

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

Jewish mother goes to the airport

to meet her daughter, who was returning from a summer abroad. The daughter gets off the plane hand-in-hand with a 7' tall Zulu warrior, with a bone through his hair and nose.

The mother yells at her "I said a *rich* doctor!"

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

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Why are dogs bad at oral sex?

Because they chew on bones.

A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.

The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says “Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven’t seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?”

The skeleton sighs and replies “Honestly doctor, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

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