What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you get if you boil a funny bone?

Laughing stock.

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?

Once you’re done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.

I made a joke about the bone of my upper arm

It was humerus

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Two Nuns are driving down a road when the driver sees the devil driving in a car next to them.

"Quick Sister Judy, show him your cross!"

"Okay" replies Sister Judy, turning to the Devil. "Oi Cunt, I've got a bone to pick with you!"

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

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How do you have sex with a skeleton?

By getting them to bone you

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

Why are cavemen afraid of skeletons?

Sticks and stones can't break their bones...

Thanks ladies and gentlemen...my 8 year old will be here all week...

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

How do you keep a skeleton from joking?

Take away his funny bone.

There were 3 prisoners: Billy, Bob, and Joe.

Billy was smart, Bob was an average human, and Joe was an idiot.

One day, Billy thought up a plan to escape.

He whispered to Bob, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Bob whispered to Joe, "We're busting out tonight. Pass it on."

Joe whispered to the guard, "We're bus...

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

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NSFW

What's the difference between a orthopediac and a sex therapist?

One makes your bone better the other makes you bone better.

Why are women like a KFC?



By the time you're finished with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of those.

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

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What’s a skeleton’s favorite porn site

Bonely fans

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

I had a one-night stand with a clown yesterday.

It was a funny bone.

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

Did you guys hear about the dog in Egypt that found the hidden bones of a Pharro?

Yeah, he is a real barkeologist!

No Bones out it

Why did the skeleton cross the road?






Because he saw



A
Body shop.

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

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The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

What did the archaeologist say to the other archaeologist?

I got a bone to pick with you

I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?

In a land far far away, lives a locksmith. This locksmith however, has two very special traits. One, he is an undead skeleton retired from being a lowly exp grind mob, and two, is able to open any lock. His skills are unrivaled, but when even he is stumped, he can detach one of his bones to utilize ...

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