There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

A man fell out a window and broke a bone.

It was humerus.

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

Did you know a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone is less than 30 seconds?

So anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I made a joke about the bone of my upper arm

It was humerus

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

How much does a pile of bones weigh?

A skeleton

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!

A joke

The human body has 206 bones and you still think your dog loves you for no reason?

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

Back Pain

A normal person's back:

* Will hurt over time
* Pretty boring overall
* Has a lot of dumb bones


Backstreets back:

* Alright

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

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What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

Been think of opening a clown brothel,

Gonna call it “the funny bone.”

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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Chilean joke:

Ok so I don't know if this is known in other parts but the joke goes like this:
A family decided to spent a vacation on a resort located in a jungle, everyone came even their dog.
When they leave their plane has an emergency and fell, everyone does except for the dog, who know is lost and begi...

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

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William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

What's the definition of a misogynist?

A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his.

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

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How do you know a skeleton is turned on?

He gets a boner.

Trump wears so much makeup, I think he's hiding something

And if his thick foundation is anything like mine, it's probably the bones of a half-dozen hookers.

What kind of engineer is God?

three engineers are arguing what type of engineer god is.


The first one, a mechanical engineer, says he must be a mechanical look at the muscles and bone structure.


The second, a electrical engineer, say he is an electrical, look at the brain and the nervous system. ...

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

My trombone teacher said I was the worst student she ever had.

I guess I'm just bad to the 'bone.

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A Midwestern Dog in Africa

A guy from the Midwest went to work in Africa and took his dog with him. There was a whole lot of new smells to sniff and the dog went away in the jungle driven by the fancy smells.

In the jungle the dog suddenly noticed that a leopard is planning to have him as a lunch. The dog thought for a...

Three expectant mothers are in a doctors waiting room...

They are sitting there quietly knitting jumpers for their babies. After a while they start to chat, and ask each other what supplements they are taking for their babies. The first says "I'm taking calcium so my baby has strong teeth and bones". The second says "I'm taking Vitamin B so my baby grows ...

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

So this dog gets arrested and taken to the police station

Detective: What did you get arrested for?

Dog: I buried a bone.

Detective: Where did you bury it?

Dog: In your mom.

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

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Two guys are walking down the street.

They see a dog sitting on the sidewalk. Its leg is in the air and it is licking its balls

"Shit, I wish I could do that," one of them says.

"Toss him a couple of milk bones and I'm sure he'll let you," the other one says.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone-Appetit!

To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

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The Firing Squad

Four gunmen are standing in the woods, recently deputized by the new regime in the budding of a civil war. Before them, a gagged and hooded prisoner on their knees, sobbing at the edge of an empty grave. Behind them, nine already filled.

The first looks nervous. "I've been counting the prison...

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Metamucil...

I was at the grocery store today, and I noticed a large sale display on Metamucil fibre supplement, you know...the daily Drano for your intestinal tract. I noticed that the bottles said "now fortified with calcium for stronger bones" I think if you are trying to take a shit so hard that your bones a...

I broke my funny bone last week

It still hasn’t healed

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So like, this guy was drinking beer and watching a basketball game on TV

while his wife was outside mowing the grass. He went out and asked "What are you going to make for dinner?" She said "How dare you ask me that! I'm doing all the work while you're sitting around. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and while he was eat...

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Oh you've a boner?

Can he/she name every bone?

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

I like bone/skeleton jokes.

I find them rather “humerus”

Ever hear of the movie “Broken Bone”?

It has an amazing supporting cast.

What's an Englishmans favourite steak?

Tea-bone

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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