What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock

That's humerus.

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

What do you call a satanic bone?

A blasfemur!

How many bones are there in the human hand?

A handful.

Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

There are bones on the floor and my bed is stained red.

I knew eating bbq ribs was a mistake when I felt a sneeze coming.

Bones

The funny bone never is funny, but another bone is, it's ALWAYS humerus.

My favorite jokes are ones about bones in your arms.

There’s nothing more humerus.

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

I had a hip replacement, but the hospital won't let me keep the bone as a souvenir.

They've got joint custody.

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old these bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age ...

What's the difference between a chicken and a pregnant woman?

You can't debone a pregnant woman.

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

I broke my funny bone last week

It still hasn’t healed

What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

Ever hear of the movie “Broken Bone”?

It has an amazing supporting cast.

I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

What does the chemist's dog do to bones?

Barium.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

Regular back

Regular back
- will hurt eventually
- boring
- stupid bones

Backstreet's back
- alright

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

I like bone/skeleton jokes.

I find them rather “humerus”

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

I broke my bones in three places

Patient: I broke my bones in three places

Doctor: Then don't go to those three places

To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.

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Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

Did you know?

That there are enough bones in your body to make up a skeleton.

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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How do Skeletons have sex?

They bone.

I couldn't come up with a good pun about bones.

Maybe I'll come up with one Tomarrow.

One of my most selfless acts was when I had several bones broken when stopping a fight.

Those kids never stood a chance

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

I went to an archaeologist’s party where we were excavating a lower leg bone.

It was quite the shindig.

I decided to set up a store that only sells gravy, bone gravy, Oxo & Bisto.

If you want some, you'd better hurry, while stocks last.

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Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?

They like to bone a petite

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Plane Crash

Three men survive a plane crash in the snowy mountains. There is no way to escape. Their only hope is to survive until rescue arrives.

After a few weeks they come to the realization without food they are going to die. So they decide they are going to have to eat one of them so the others may ...

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying high above the sky when he notices Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread...

...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.

"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

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The Heimlich maneuver

Two rednecks are eating chicken at KFC, when all of a sudden they notice the woman next to them choking on a bone.

They rush over to the table, where the first redneck pulls down his pants and the second starts licking his butt. Disgusted, the chocking woman begins to gag, and suddenly coughs...

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton?

I've got a bone to pick with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room the their OBGYN...

Three pregnant women are sitting around the waiting room at their OBGYN knitting jumpers for their expected babies. One woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a handful of pills and Swallows them. The other mothers look at her with disapproval stares and she says, "Oh no, these are just prenatal...

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[Long] The Life of Parmish [Part 1]

There were once two young brothers from India, Parmish and Dudah, who decided one day to travel the world. They went to London, France, China, Japan, and many other countries. They ate all the exotic food they came across and explored many different cultures and experiences.

At their last st...

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Nice legs

Once upon a time there was a contest to find those people on Earth who had the best legs. Over six hundred million prizes were available, and each prize was for a life-altering sum of money, so almost every human on Earth took part.

Unbeknownst to them, the contest had been organised by Sata...

I broke part of my Shin Bone off today...

Tibia Continued.

Why were all of Napoleon's bones broken in two?

Because he was Napoleon bone apart.

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

I Broke 12 Bones By the Time I Was 8

They were all my sister's, and she cried a lot.

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

Why do we call men “dogs”?

Because they’re always trying to bury a bone.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

What's a skeleton's favorite insturment

a trom**BONE**

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

Where do you go when you break your funny bone?

The Hahaspital.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

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