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Bone Jokes

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.
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A man had a terrible accident and badly damaged his jaw. The surgeons use part of the man's leg to build a new jaw bone, after hours of surgery and weeks of therapy he makes a full recovery but

He now talks with a limp
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body…

… now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206
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Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)
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There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely
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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...
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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes
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Despite their reputation, hornets don't have a mean bone in their boddies.

They have mean exoskeletons.
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My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."
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What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...
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Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
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What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad
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A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...
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Recently NASA found bones on the dark side of the moon.

Turns out, the cow never made it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

What bone breaks when you lie too much?

Your fibula.
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They call grandma "that old bag-of-bones"

If she knew that would happen, she would've chosen cremation.
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I told my wife, “I don’t have a cheating bone in my body...”

...my cheating bone, is in someone else’s body!
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What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!
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I made a joke about the bone of my upper arm

It was humerus
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The Italian mobster Johnny Bones killed a cow.

He killed the cow in a rice field with two porcelain garden gnomes.
Local news headline- "First Known Case of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack"
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The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.
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What’s the bone most often broken by heretics?

The blasfemur.
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Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.
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So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”
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Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!
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"A Bone-Tickling Riddle: Why Skeletons Refuse to Battle?

**Why don't skeletons fight each other?**

**They don't have the guts!**
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Real movie titles converted to funny porn ones

I.e., Romancing the Bone”

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know what my funny bone is?

My dick i guess because girls laugh whenever they see it :(

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.
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I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.
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Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus
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Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan
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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.
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A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...
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Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."
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I think after 9 years of dating and jokes, I've worn down all my girlfriend's funny bones.

She's got that funny arthritis now.
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I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.
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What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals
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I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus
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Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste
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Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...
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A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL
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I love bone jokes

It's always good to break one in public.
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A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”
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The Egyptian man became a bone doctor...

They called him a Cairopractor
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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
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What did Anakin Skywalker get after being boned by the Emperor?

Siithylis.
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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

I like bone/skeleton jokes.

I find them rather “humerus”
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Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason
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Why are bones so heavy?

they weigh a skele-ton.
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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

I went to an archaeologist’s party where we were excavating a lower leg bone.

It was quite the shindig.
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I broke my funny bone last week

It still hasn’t healed
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A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."
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The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours
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It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW.....A dog with a bone...

Two old guys were sitting on their porch with their dog on the ground between them.
The dog started to lick his dick as dogs are prone to do.
After watching for a while the first guy says to the other " I'd love to be able to do that "
The second guy replies " if you give him a bone he migh...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast
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Ever hear of the movie “Broken Bone”?

It has an amazing supporting cast.
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What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart
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Give a dog a bone and he'll eat for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you'll never be lonely
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An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig
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Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
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I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40
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To Thrive in life, you need 3 bones.

A Wish Bone, A Back Bone and a Funny Bone.
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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...
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A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...
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Whats the funniest bone in the body?

The HUMOURUS!
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Where do you go when you break your funny bone?

The Hahaspital.
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I broke part of my Shin Bone off today...

Tibia Continued.
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Yesterday, someone tickled my bone...

...It wasnt Humerus
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Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.
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A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...
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Doc, I swallowed a chicken bone.

"Are you choking?"

"No I'm serious!"
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What do you call a broken bone factory?

A manufracturer
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All the bones went to Tibia and Fibula's place...

They were having a shindig.
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