UPJOKE
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Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.

Despite their reputation, hornets don't have a mean bone in their boddies.

They have mean exoskeletons.

What's the worst part about being T-boned?

Your life is at steak.

What's the most profane bone in the human body?

The blasfemur

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What did one bone say to another bone?

Let’s meet up and share a joint.

Credit: my dad

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

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NSFW.....A dog with a bone...

Two old guys were sitting on their porch with their dog on the ground between them.
The dog started to lick his dick as dogs are prone to do.
After watching for a while the first guy says to the other " I'd love to be able to do that "
The second guy replies " if you give him a bone he migh...

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

Unconditional love

Repost due to incomplete joke, if anyone wants to trim it or change it for the better feel free:
I was watching Jimmy Kimmel and discussing where to go for lunch with my girlfriend when the topic of “unconditional love” was brought up. I nodded and told her “…of course I love you and you love...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the sq...

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Wanna know what my funny bone is?

My dick i guess because girls laugh whenever they see it :(

It's my cake day, so here's a joke... Q: Why do they call it a funny bone?

A: Because it's humerus.

What did Anakin Skywalker get after being boned by the Emperor?

Siithylis.

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

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A ruined day.

I saw a hot girl in class today.

I kept thinking dont get a boner then she did and my day was ruined.

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What do KFC and pussy have in common?

Answer: Both are finger lickin' good and after you are done eating you have a box to put the bone in.

Workshop dad joke.

My wife never gets my jokes, so in my last will and testament I left her my arm bone, because I thought it would be humerus.

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

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Adam and God

One day Adam was walking through the garden, and he then sighs deeply, he looks up and says

Adam: God, Im super bored... and lonely, please help out

To which God responds: Ahh my son, i have something for you, its amazing, glorious, it will fill your life with joy every day forever, yo...

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

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Is it true that milk builds strong bones?

Or is that just more propaganda to justify jerking off cows?

So little Timmy has bone cancer.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation people come around and say “well Timmy, you can see anyone you want. We’ll do our best to get them.”

So Timmy says “I wanna see Black Panther!”

The Doctor says “hold on now, you’ll see him in a couple days anyways. Why don’t you pick someone else?”

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went...

What do you call Southern Protestant finger bones?

Phalangelicals

Why are bones so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin!

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

Just had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for 2 weeks.

My chiropractor said he couldn't decide which vertebrae to crack.

Guess he had a bone to pick with me.

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

Why did the archeology student stay after class?

He had a bone to pick with his professor.

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

Just came home from my first paleontology party where we spent the night searching for the lower leg bone of a new dinosaur.

It was quite the shin dig.

Did you hear about the man who broke his funny bone?

They soaked it in water and now it's a laughing stock.

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson?

“I’m BONE to be wild!”

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

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What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

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How do you wish a guy who is about to have sex with a short girl?

BONE-A-PETITE

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

I went to an archaeology party where the game was looking for a lower leg bone.

It was a real shindig.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

An group of archaeologists gathered to find the leg bone of an ancient man

It was a real shindig

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

The life of a bone marrow baby is like a Hollywood movie.

Over in 2 hours

Found out about a mobile phone who got T-boned on the highway with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad that he lost his memory.

Not the nursery rhyme you learned growing up- Old mother Hubbard

..went to the cupboard to fetch old Rover a bone,
when she bent over, Rover took over,
gave her a bone of his own!

I finally developed an arthritis soothing serum for my creaky bones!!!

I call it WD-Over40

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

Why can't chemists dogs' ever find their bones?

Because they barium

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

What do you need for a movie about broken bones?

An awesome cast

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Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.

His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...

Why did the skeleton go to the partyy?

He was hoping to get boned

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

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