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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

I was a man trapped in a woman’s body

Then my mom gave birth so it’s all good now

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

My body is like a Greek Temple

In ruins

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

Did you hear what they did with Michael Jackson’s body?

Since he was like 90% plastic they melted him into legos and let little boys play with him for once.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

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There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

When I was younger, I felt like I was trapped in a women's body...

Then I was born.

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

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I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

I donated my body to science the other day

bast*rds sent it back and demanded a refund

When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body.

Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

Hey honey, what do you like the most in me? My beautiful face or my hot body?

\- Your sense of humor.

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

A friend of mine had a tragic accident last year and lost the entire left side of his body

It’s okay tho, he’s all right now

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

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Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

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If your body is a temple...

Then all the people you fuck form a cult.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.

Then I realized who was telling me this.

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One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.


Later, two old ladi...

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

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Three engineers argue what kind of god created the human body

The first one said: "God must be a mechanical engineer. Check out all the joints"

The second one said: "God must be an electrical engineer. Check out the nervous system."

And the third one said: "God is definitely a foundations engineer. Who else would put a waste pipe in the sex distr...

When I told my wife that I still had the body of a 16 year old, she laughed.

But she stopped when I showed her my refrigerator.

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After death what is the only organ in a womans body that is warm

My penis

Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body?

It was a jersey

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

What is the internal body temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

I did the classic "I have a body in my freezer" joke to my younger brother.

I don't know what he thought of it, but he did seem rather cold.

A body has been found at Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane's house, in what seems to have been a brutal attack.

Police are saying it's murder on Zidane's floor

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

Where's the best place to hide a dead body?

The second page of Google's search results.

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

For a long time I was a boy in the body of a girl

But then I was born

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I have an old soul, the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child and the body of a stripper.

And that completes my basement collection of human body parts.

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to the body builder in his pharmacy?

These are not the ‘roids you are looking for.

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What did one body of water say to another?

Nothing, they can't fucking speak.

Neck Hands Foot Arms Body Head

This is how the newspaper headlines ran on the day John Neck stepped down to give the job of CEO of the gun manufacturer to Michael Foot.

I am a man stuck in a womans body

It happened a few hours ago and neither of us want to call an ambulance

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

I have the body of a 24 year old model

But it takes up too much room in my fridge.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

I'm a man trapped in a woman's body

Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.

What is the hardest metal on your body?

Tongueskin.

I took DMT alone and had an out of body experience

It was all bye myself

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

Is your body from McDonald's?

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"

Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

One time I had an out-of-body experience...

It was the day I was born.

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

I had my first out of body experience today

I was beside myself

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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My body is a temple...

...it's sometimes referred to as a house, is usually only active on the weekend and many Jews have been inside it.

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

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What do a serial porn addict and a Christian body builder have in common?

Muscly forearms and a squeaky clean search history

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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A wife asks her husband, “What do you like about me? My pretty face, or sexy body?”

The husband laughed and answered with, “Your sense of humor.”

I like to treat my body like a temple...

I give it whatever it wants.

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My bodies digestive system has been backed up for some time

My body isn't giving a shit

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My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body

but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

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Did you know that when a man ejaculates the semen leaves his body at 85mph?

That's why it's illegal to masturbate in a school zone.

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

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