I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates?

His ears

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

I have a body like a god!

...shame it's Buddha

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who the one in charge was.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food a...

What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

When i was 7, they said my body was a temple

I guess thats why priest came into my body every day

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody nose

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him...

I used to be a boy in a girl’s body…

Then I was born :)

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body

Now 207
Now 206
Now 207

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

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Some would say that the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating is your genitalia.

But it's actually your ears.

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

Igor Frankenstein entered a body building competition.

When he arrived, he realized he misunderstood the objective.

What's pirate favorite part of the body?

Their Booty

My girlfriend laughed when I said I still had a body of an 18 year old

Until she checked the other freezer.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body?

He's alright now.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

I was once a man trapped in the body of a woman

Then I was born

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Which part of the body makes the worst jokes?

The Cornea

When getting intimate, I never play with anything on the left side of her body.

I guess you could say I'm a big fan of womans rights....

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

Two sperm swimming in woman’s body. One says to the other, “how long of a trip is this?”

“I don’t know but we are coming up on the esophagus”

I met a girl today with a real banging body.

I mean it was a real racket she was making in my trunk.

I’m glad companies give us the choice of gluten-free body wash.

Normal soap makes my stomach hurt.

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We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

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Did you know that the softest part in a woman's body is that area between her anus and her vagina?

No matter how hard you smash your eggs in there they would not crack.

A monster was silent and moved his body to express himself. What is his name?

Frankenmime

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When people dress in fully body suits of their favourite animals, a sexual kink isn't implied

It's infurred.

I hate when people make jokes about body parts

Eyelash out when I hear them

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

An undetaker had mistakenly buried the wrong body

The next day, he realised he had made a Grave mistake

After months of patience and persistence I finally have a nice body.

It fits perfectly in my trunk.

The body of Mario's former nemesis was found in his jungle province this morning.

It was in a state of DK.

What do you call a Mexican body builder who doesn’t take diet supplements?

No Whey Jose!

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

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I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model

She's in my basement. What do I do?

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

What’s a woman’s favorite body part?

I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s on the tip of my tongue.

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

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What is the most unexpected place for piercing on women's body?

Dick

Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

My wife keeps insisting that I tell her my favorite body part and vegetable

I told her eye yam but she doesnt listen

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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

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Body Count

Him: "What's your body count?"

Me: "For What?"

Him: "People you've slept with..."

Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."

Him: "What?"

Me: "What?"

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

My body is a temple

Old, falling apart and probably haunted.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

People worry about their "summer body"

but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

I used to be a man trapped in a womans body

I came out after 9 months
. . .

8 lb 6 oz

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

Buried Body

Me: If I ever needed to hide a body, I would definitely call my brother for help.

Wife: What?! Why wouldn't you call me?

Me: Whose body do you think I'm hiding?

A man dies wearing, a succulent black suit, and his body is taken to a morgue...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives t...

Whats The Difference Between A Telsa And A Dead Body

I Don't Keep A Telsa In My Garage

An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

Hey, is your body from the Netherlands?

cause Amsterdamnnnnnnn

What is the funniest part of the body?

The heel areas!

Today I had an out of body experience

I was beside myself

Her body was like a temple...

Literally anyone with a wish could enter it.

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

I wish I could drop my body off...

at the gym and pick it up back when its ready.

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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NSFW What is the warmest part inside a dead woman's body?

My penis.

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred:

99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

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My body is a temple..

 

but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place.

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

Wife asks her husband lovingly "What do you love about me the most, my eyes or my body?"

"Oh honey, I love your sense of humor the most"

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A small part of me says yes

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

What's the most buffed astronomical body out there?

A steroid.

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man:

*This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

If I told you you had a great body?

Would you hold it against me?

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A couple is laying in bed after sex. The woman asks, “What part of my body do you like best?”

The man responds, “Well, those are the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

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