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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

Two cannibals comes across a body and start eating.

One starts at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes go by the guy at the head says, “Hey man how’s it going down there?” The guy says, “I’m havin a ball!” The guy at the head goes, “Woah slow down you’re eating too fast!”

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question.

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front ...

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

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I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model

She's in my basement. What do I do?

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

Her body was like a temple...

Literally anyone with a wish could enter it.

i have a 13 year kid body

and his family are worried sick about him

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Hey, is your body from the Netherlands?

cause Amsterdamnnnnnnn

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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

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What do you call a woman with a great body but an unattractive face? Butterface. What do you call a woman with a beautiful face but unattractive breasts?

Buttercups

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

A man dies wearing, a succulent black suit, and his body is taken to a morgue...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives t...

Buried Body

Me: If I ever needed to hide a body, I would definitely call my brother for help.

Wife: What?! Why wouldn't you call me?

Me: Whose body do you think I'm hiding?

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

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NSFW What is the warmest part inside a dead woman's body?

My penis.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

Wife asks her husband lovingly "What do you love about me the most, my eyes or my body?"

"Oh honey, I love your sense of humor the most"

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

What's the most buffed astronomical body out there?

A steroid.

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

Today I had an out of body experience

I was beside myself

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A small part of me says yes

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

What do you call a group of body doubles?

A doppelgang

A little boy asks his mom: "Is it true we have organs in our body?"

"Of course, darling!" replies the mother.
"Then I think I have a problem: one pipe is sticking out!"

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

My friend was recently in an accident and his entire left body was paralysed.

I guess he’s all right now.

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

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A couple is laying in bed after sex. The woman asks, “What part of my body do you like best?”

The man responds, “Well, those are the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

What do you call a body builder with Parkinson’s?

A protein shake

In the exam for a med school, students were asked to rearrange the letters, N E P I S to form a body part.

Those who formed SPINE are doctors now.

We asked 100 women what body wash they preferred:

99% replied with “GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM YOU PERVERT!”

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

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coroner: [closing body bag]

me: [getting dick caught in zipper one last time]

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Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

My girlfriend says her body is a temple

Apparently that means anyone is free to come inside.

My body is a temple

ancient and crumbling and probably cursed.

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

What did the surfer/body builder say when he ran out of supplements ?

“No whhheyyy”

A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body.

The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

If I told you you had a great body?

Would you hold it against me?

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

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I have body dysmorphic disorder

That means that I see myself differently to how you see me.

You probably see me as a skinny white man, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a fat Asian lady.

And she usually tells me to "Fuck off and stop looking through my window"

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

Jesus got his body measurements for his crucifixion...

Call that CrossFit.

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

What's the internal body temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

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My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

A cinema sold out for the Spongebob film in 4D

Everybody drowned in the cinema

Have you heard of the nearby murder? They never found the body...

Yeah sorry, i slaughtered that joke.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

i am so polite i only look at the covered parts.

A woman walked into her doctor’s examination room complaining of pain all over her body.

The doctor walked in, and asked, “What seems to be the trouble?”

“Well, doctor,” said the woman, “when I touch my leg here, it hurts, when I touch my arm over here it hurts, when I touch my breast it hurts, everything hurts! I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The doctor thought for a ...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

The Police is to a country what the heart is to a body.

It keeps beating and beating and beating.

A man waddles into the doctor’s office with his body all swollen...

The doctor asks: “Oh my god what happened?”

The man replies: “I’m not too sure”

After a thorough examination the doctor hands him a box of medicine

The doctor then says: “put one of these up your rear passageway every day, come back in a week”

The man thanks him and leave...

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.

“Yes Anna?”

“I think the hands go first”, she said.

“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.

“Because, when people pray, they raise thei...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body.....

Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
...

What do you call a trombone that was born into the body of a trumpet?

A ***TRANS***-^bone.

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Girlfriend wanted a smoking hot body.

So I cremated her.

Two cannibals are eating Amy Shumer's body

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies: "no, not at all."

Tesla briefly investigated reusable bio engines made from plants. Wooden car body, wooden wheels and a wooden engine.

It wooden go.

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

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