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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

i am so polite i only look at the covered parts.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

I've been told I have the body of a Greek God.

Too bad it's Dionysus

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What do you call a snowman that sells it's body for sex

A frostitute.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

My body is a temple...

... just not the kind you’d pay to visit.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?

Thanos

I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

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Your body is like a shitty gift.

You didn’t want it and it breaks before you’re done with it.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

Then I was born.

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A Zebra with body dysmorphia goes to the doctor...

Tells the doctor he spends hours a day critiquing himself in the mirror.

​

Doctor replies, 'It's simple. Stop looking at things in black and white.'

​

​

\- Technical Crab, 04/3/19 circa afternoon shit.

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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap wrapped around his body..

The therapist says "I can see youre fucking nuts."

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.

He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. ...

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

Husband asks wife 'What would you like to do with my body?

Wife 'Identify it'

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

What body part varies in size, smells, and gets sore if you blow it too much?

A nose.

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Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.

Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have

Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a sc...

What is Justin Timberlake's favorite body of water?

Crimea River

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

What is the body temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

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A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, op...

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A woman looked at my naked body and said, "I thought you told me you had 11 inches?"

I should have explained that I measure from my butthole.

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Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

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My friend Laura was always depressed because she felt she didn't belong in her body, so she got a sex change

She's happy as Larry.

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs and body?

They don't want to be mistaken for feminists

They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Can you graft skin from your backside onto another part of your body?

Ass skin for a friend...

My friend Julie was dating this guy and one day she called me crying saying she was done with him for body shaming her at their dinner, I asked her for more details,

She said he called her 'Born a petite'.

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

Im a 50 year old man with a 20 year olds body!

I still can't figure out where to hide the body

I have a secret agent’s body

My six pack is currently undercover which is why you can’t see it

Don't insert citric acid into your body without medical supervision

you could get LemonAIDS

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I have the ideal female body, "thicc" ass, huge tits and i am smart too.

Sadly i am a man.

This kid was born with no neck and no body....

So, for his 21st birthday, his dad takes him to the local watering hole to celebrate.

"Give my son the best drink you can make", said the dad.

So, the boy consumed the drink, and a neck started to grow under his chin.

The father was amazed, and ordered a second drink for his son...

Body check

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Why did the body builder go to the crustacean church?

He heard that it was a good source of mussel mass

What do you call a guy with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows!

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

Patient: Doctor, my body hurts in so many places

Doctor: Well, I suggest you stop going to those places

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?

To connect its head and body together.

Why do Catholic girls have body image issues?

Because the impossibly thin body of Christ is literally shoved in their faces.

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

Head & Shoulders should make a body wash

And call it "Knees & Toes"

A demon took over my buddy's body, so I called the cops.

They charged him with possession.

If I said you have a nice body would you...

stash it under the floorboards with the rest of them or bury it in a shallow grave?

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

What do you call a tower made of body parts?

Body Building.

"How do I get a firmer body?" asked the fork

"Utensil your muscles" I replied.

How do you hide a dead body?

Please help the police are almost her

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I always make women show me their boobs before I show them my body ink

You know the old tit for tat

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

When I die, I want to leave my body to science

More specifically, a scientist who's working on bringing dead guys back to life

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?

I'm all-right

My body is a temple!

Old, crumbling and capitalised on by the people working with me.

I have the body of a 25 year old supermodel

But it takes up too much space in the freezer

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

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I don’t need to poop because my body absorbs all the energy from food.

But some people tell me I’m full of shit.

What body of water is full of testicular mites?

The Baltic Sea.

I met a part time body builder today, who happens to also be a Rabbi...

he's an absolute *Jew*-nit

My body is built like a temple

There are many hollow passageways where things enter and leave

An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

I make a living selling dehydrated body fluids, especially blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.

I'm well renouned for my dry humors.

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Di...

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What’s small, long and will put something in a girl’s body she doesn’t want?

A mosquito carrying ebola.

That’s what my ex-girlfriend called my dick, anyway.

The Teacher Was Telling Class About The Body.

I will start with the feet. They are to run with.

Your nose, that is to small with.

Silence for a short time.

Billy said Miss my feet smell and my nose runs.

Came across a body lying on the sidewalk

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.


The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”


“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.


“S-i-c-k…” the m...

What do you call the body odor from smoking Canabis that just wont go away?

An Elongated Musk.