I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

I love her eco-friendly body.

Very little waist.

My friend was recently in an accident and his entire left body was paralysed.

I guess he’s all right now.

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

If I told you you had a great body?

Would you hold it against me?

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Even at the age of 46, I have the body of a 24 year old.

I'm not here to brag, does anyone need a 24 year old's body while it's still warm?

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

some Guy got his left half of his body torn off

don't worry, hes alRIGHT now

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.

“Yes Anna?”

“I think the hands go first”, she said.

“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.

“Because, when people pray, they raise thei...

Girlfriend wanted a smoking hot body.

So I cremated her.

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body...

i am so polite i only look at the covered parts.

Two cannibals are eating Amy Shumer's body

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies: "no, not at all."

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

I don't mean to brag, but my girlfriend has a body like a Greek statue..

completely pale, no arms.

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

It’s weird that we count votes based on body parts...

Let me see all the eyes... now the nose...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body.....

Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
Now 206
Now 207
...

What’s the best way to dispose of a body? Asking for a friend.

A dead friend.

People say you can tell a lot about a woman by her body language

But this large woman was talking to me.

​

And i swear she was speaking gibberish.

I was really not of fan of body hair.

It's grown on me, though.

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

I've been told I have the body of a Greek God.

Too bad it's Dionysus

Where’s the best place to hide a body?

Page 2 of Google Search results.

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

I asked the clerk at the store if a body would fit in this suitcase

I'm just kidding, i'm going to cut it up.

Did you know that if you took every cell in your body and put them in a straight line...

.you'd die?

Two cannibals come across a dead body,

and they don't have a big enough knife to cut the body so they make a deal one starts at the head and the other starts at the foot.

They are eating a little while and the one at the head asks the other one how it is going and he answers, "I'm having a ball."

The first guy says, "You ...

The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?

Cremation.

If you die while making food in a slow cooker, whoever finds your body will have a nice warm meal waiting for them

They can also eat whatever is in the slow cooker too

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes I like to rub cheese all over my body before making love, other times I enjoy eating cheese during sex.

Guess you could say they're my feta-shes.

"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society

Did you hear about a soldier who had his body painted?

He's now a decorated veteran.

My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a snowman that sells it's body for sex

A frostitute.

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

My girlfriend has the body of a model..

And a life prison sentence.

What do you call it when your body is fighting off an illness?

The Cold War.

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

Then I was born.

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.

He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. ...

My friend claims yoga is the best possible thing you can do for your body.

Seems like a bit of a stretch.

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

My body is a temple...

... just not the kind you’d pay to visit.

What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?

Thanos

I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap wrapped around his body..

The therapist says "I can see youre fucking nuts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Your body is like a shitty gift.

You didn’t want it and it breaks before you’re done with it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Female body builder:Doc I've taken so much steroids its actually made me grow a penis!

Doctor:Anabolic?

Female body builder:No,just a penis.

After months of hard work and dedication, I finally have a body I am proud of!

It was worth the weight

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think....

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

Husband asks wife 'What would you like to do with my body?

Wife 'Identify it'

After months of detective work, police have uncovered the bodies of a number of missing persons...

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea...

What is the body temperature of a Tauntaun?

Lukewarm

2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.

Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have

Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a sc...

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Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

What is Justin Timberlake's favorite body of water?

Crimea River

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive penis. It must be saved for posterity.” So he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, op...

Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs and body?

They don't want to be mistaken for feminists

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman looked at my naked body and said, "I thought you told me you had 11 inches?"

I should have explained that I measure from my butthole.

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend Laura was always depressed because she felt she didn't belong in her body, so she got a sex change

She's happy as Larry.

If I ever die by being cut in half, i'd like my body to be made into shampoo.

Unfortunately, I can't name it 'head & shoulders' since it's already used.

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you graft skin from your backside onto another part of your body?

Ass skin for a friend...

They say your body is a temple, and mine is the Temple of Aphrodite...

Destroyed and in ruins

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell

Im a 50 year old man with a 20 year olds body!

I still can't figure out where to hide the body

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear