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Body Jokes

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

My wife came home and said “I’ve been selling my body for money today and I’ve made £300 and 50p”, I said who the hell gave you 50p.

She said “all of them”.

I'm a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.

Just need to find a place to bury her.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

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Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his cloth...

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body…

… now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206, now 207, now 206

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

is my wife ashamed of my body?

a tiny part of me says yes.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.

I knew he’d be all right.

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

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We donated my fathers body to science today…

and boy was he pissed.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

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Wife's dead body...

I walked into the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go... Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head!

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

My wife was reading the newspaper. She gasped and said, "A dead body was found by the restaurant bins this morning!"

"Those bins must be very observant," I replied.

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My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "I...

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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Jonathan died in a violent car crash and his body was horribly mangled

Because of this, the police were having a hard time confirming his identity. So they brought in Jonathan's two best friends friends, Cletus and Buba to help identify Jonathan.

They bring Cletus into the mortuary to view the body, Cletus carefully studies it and says "Well it could be Jona...

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Boss of the Body

The different parts of the body were arguing about who should be the Boss of the body.

The brain said "I do all of the thinking and Strategies , I should be the boss"

The Eyes said "I provide vision and allow us to see what is going on"

The legs said "I provide mobility and Tran...

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

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I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...

On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.

Have you heard Justin Timberlake's hit song about his favorite Ukrainian body of water?

The Crimea River

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A lesson about the parts of the body

One day the parts of the body were arguing about who should be in charge.

The legs said, “Well I carry you all everywhere so I should be in charge!”

The arms said, “Well I get all the stuff for the body so I should be in charge!”

The lungs said, “Well I get all the oxygen for th...

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it

Nobody had told her about the new electric fence.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

My wife has the body of a woman half her age.

I suppose I should call the police.

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

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Body talk.

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

.

.

.

.

.

.<...

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Do you know anyone selling body parts?

I'd like to buy a bowel.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

My body is a temple

My liver is a battlefield

I too was a male trapped in a female's body

until the doctors pulled me out of the womb.

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says,...

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

What city has the worst body odor?

Pittsburgh

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

I’m the perfect girlfriend - I have the brains of a genius, and the body of a supermodel

They’re really starting to smell though, so I should probably get rid of them

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

What part of your body shouldn't move while dancing?

Your bowels!

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

My boyfriend told me he wants me to be a body builder....

So I told him I was pregnant.

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

My date seemed ecstatic at first when I told her I had the body of an Ancient Greek statue

She didn’t seem as enthused when she found out I was only referring from the waist down!

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror...

I thought to myself, "I'm going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now."

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I just found a dead body in the street

So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she fucking likes it !

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down

I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head

My girlfriend tells me her body is a temple

Everyone's welcome, but you just have to take your shoes off before you enter.

When I found out my uncle scavenges body parts to play cricket with...

I hardly batted an eyelid.

What does a swimming pool and a dead body have in common?

They are both cold when you first get in.

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

My girlfriend has the body of a model..

And a life prison sentence.

My girlfriend said I have "body odour issues" all the time when she gets home.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her. "I shower after every shift."

She said, "You only work one day a week."

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What's the smallest bone in a goats body?

A terrorists dick

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

I recently had to go to the doctor, my entire body hurt everywhere

I told the doc

"It hurts when I poke my neck",
"It hurts when I poke my chest",
"It hurts when I poke my leg"

The doc took some x-rays and the results came back:

I had broken my finger

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What’s the funniest part of a 90 year old woman’s body?

Her boobs! They are real knee slappers

What did the zombie body builder say?

GAINSSS!!!

Your body is your temple is a really terrible proverb to promote chastity.

Literally anyone can come inside a temple.

A guy had 6.023*10^23 bruises in his body...

Experts are saying he got molested.

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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

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