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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

How do you fit a body in a trunk?

Take the first two out.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

It is pretty weird that most of the Christians are against body piercings.

After all, Jesus Christ had four of them.

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

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There is a fella who is talking To his body and says, I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next d...

Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connectio...

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

What body parts always lose?

Da' feet.

(I heard this one on the radio on the way to work)

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

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Penis is the most loyal part of your body

And when times are hard, it stands up for you

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What's the most sensitive part of your body during masturbation?

Your ears.

At the last supper, Jesus breaks the bread and says "this is my body", pours the wine and says "this is my blood"...

...and then opens a jar of mayo and Judas says "Okay buddy I'm gonna stop you right there."

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A man named Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.
Jim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jim said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him ov...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Why are body builders so good at making cheese?

Because they have huge calves

What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!

My dad was telling me about a documentary about the human body when it's constipated.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come out yet.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

I used to have a great body...

Had to get rid of it when the police started snooping around.

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First-year students at the Florida School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of...

Where is the best place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search results

What’s the difference between a dead body, and a Lamborghini?

I don’t ride a Lamborghini.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

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A wife asked, "what do you like about me the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

[NSFW] Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it..

I probably should have told her about the new electric fence

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My body is a temple.

Old as fuck, broken down with quite the history but serving no modern purpose

Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

If there is a body found at a barbershop, the most obvious murder weapon is the most likely.

It's Occam's Razor.

What did the vegetarian body builder say after he found out he was gluten intolerant?

There ain't no whey!

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

I was a man trapped in a woman’s body

Then my mom gave birth so it’s all good now

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

My ex-boyfriend paralyzed the left side of his body.

He's all right now.

(True Story)

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on th...

When I was a young boy I realized that my body is a temple

since clergymen felt they could enter anytime

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?

Because they are well organized

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

I was going to be a body parts model.

But then they started asking all these questions like “Who’s arm is that?!” and “Where did you get that leg?!”

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

My body is like a Greek Temple

In ruins

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body.

Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

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I don't have a racist bone in my body, however...

...I do have a single sexist bone.

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I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

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There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

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I have the body of a porn star,

all of my clothes says XXX.

Yo mama a celestial body

Cause she is big and hot

I felt like a man trapped inside the body of a woman

Then I was born

I donated my body to science the other day

bast*rds sent it back and demanded a refund

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

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A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the d...

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?

Pallbears.

Did you hear what they did with Michael Jackson’s body?

Since he was like 90% plastic they melted him into legos and let little boys play with him for once.

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

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After death what is the only organ in a womans body that is warm

My penis

Instead of watching the news, my friend goes body surfing at the beach every morning.

She says it keeps her abreast of current events.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

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Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

I'm proud to say that I have the body of a nineteen year old!

Or at least I used to. The police made me give it back...

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

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One morning, a guy was looking at his beautiful body in the mirror.

He realized he was getting a nice tan all over, except on his dick. But how to tan only his penis without over tanning his body?
So he had an idea. He went to the beach, buried himself in the sand completely except for his penis, which was sticking out of the sand.


Later, two old ladi...

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.

Then I realized who was telling me this.

What is the internal body temperature of a Tauntaun?

Luke warm

When I told my wife that I still had the body of a 16 year old, she laughed.

But she stopped when I showed her my refrigerator.

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body?

It was a jersey

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

I'm a man trapped in a woman's body

Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.

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