What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Is your body from McDonald's?

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"

Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

I have the body of a twenty year old.

I keep it in the freezer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

For a long time I was a boy in the body of a girl

But then I was born

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

My wife told me she had the body of an 18 year old.

I told her, "Give it back, you're getting it wrinkled."

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I'm a man trapped in a woman's body

Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?

A tiny part of me says yes.

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on

The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him.



Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they th...

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

When you die, which part of your body is the last to go?

Your pupils. They dilate.

I have the body of a 24 year old model

But it takes up too much room in my fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My bodies digestive system has been backed up for some time

My body isn't giving a shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, “What do you like about me? My pretty face, or sexy body?”

The husband laughed and answered with, “Your sense of humor.”

Where do you hide a dead body?

On the second page of Google Search.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

The Lady with the dead body in the trunk

One night Charlotte was speeding down the highway as a police pulls her over.

The cop comes up and asks her, **"what the heck was making you drive so fast??"**

Charlotte quickly tries to explain herself and tells the officer **"Sir, I have a dead body in the trunk of my car"**

A...

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body

but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

I asked my welsh friend his body count

He started counting but fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday

I have a weekend immune system

I like to treat my body like a temple...

I give it whatever it wants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."





"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."





"I should be in charge,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

i had an outer body experience yesterday

i was beside myself

What name has 4 letters and 2 body parts?

Tony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that when a man ejaculates the semen leaves his body at 85mph?

That's why it's illegal to masturbate in a school zone.

Will the detectives find the body?

Remains to be seen.

The president walks out the White House and one of his body guards spots a shooter.

Quickly, he shouts "MICKEY MOUSE" and charges the gunman. Confused, the shooter is managed to be apprehended and the body guard is a hero.

The next day his boss invites him into his office and asks why he shouted mickey mouse. Blushing, he replied " I was panicking and I meant to say, Donald ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgery can now provide you with the attributes of animals as body enhancements, such as gorilla arms for strength.

A complaint was filed, however, when a man got an elephant trunk to replace his penis:

"It's great and all but now I can't hang out with my friends much at taverns cuz while we're seated the trunk grabs some peanuts from the bar and sticks them in my asshole."

"Noun; the force that attracts objects towards the center of a celestial body."

"Very nice, Elphaba, but I said '_defy_ gravity'"

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

What Do You Get When You Insert Woody And Buzz Into Any Opening In Your Body?

"You've Got A Friend In Me"

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

What do u call a dead body in space?

A celestial body.

My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-)

It's in the fridge.

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

What happens to your body when you sneeze and fart simultaneously?

It takes a screenshot.

A priest is on a plane sitting right next to a woman. She is so beautiful and has such magnificent proportions that the priest is having a hard time keeping is eyes off of her body.

In a moment of weakness, he lays his hands on her legs and as he does, the woman looks at him, and tells him: "psalm 134:2".
Embarrassed, the priest takes his hand off of her legs and doesn't speak to her for the rest of the flight. When he reaches home, he immediately searches for his Bible and...

My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old

Then she looked in the freezer

Why didn't the human anatomy professor tell her students they dissected the wrong body?

... She didn't have the heart to tell them.

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

What is the difference between a dead body and an Easter egg?

One is buried in a casket while the other is carried in a basket


P.s Got it from BoJack Horseman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English man, Scottish man, Irish man, chatting about what par of their body would they change if they could.

English man: Simple I would change my dick, it's quite small.

Scottish man: Simple I would change my belly, it's quite fat.

Irish man: Simple I would change my bum, it's got a crack in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When The Body Was First Made, Who Was the Most Important

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

My son is a boy trapped in a womans body

He's coming out in 6 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parts of the body having a debate.

One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.

The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the cleverest. I keep everyone organized and find solutions to problems."

Everyone is quite impressed until the heart st...

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a math teacher favorite part of the female body?

Quantitties.

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

I woke up to a dozen ants crawling all over my body this morning because i left a snickers bar wrapper in my bed from the night before, i killed a couple but then i felt bad so I've let them make me their home.

They are now my tenants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

What’s another name for a noisy body of water?

A creek

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study was made and 100 women were asked what body wash they prefered. 99% of them replied with:

Get the fuck out of my bathroom you pervert!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the warmest organ in a dead body after 24 hours?

My dick

Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

The brain is the most important organ in your body.

-Brain

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

What's the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a guy who committed suicide by furiously masturbating until he ripped his dick from his body.

To be honest, I'm surprised he pulled it off.

What did the body builder say when someone stole all his protein powder?

No Whey! Not a gain!

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

You know how they say that the human body is 60% water...

I’m not fat... I’m just hydrated AF

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. “Dad...

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.