Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

I need to get something off of my chest...

It’s your mom. We are gonna need a crane.

The place where I live is just like my girlfriends chests

Flat

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins

Excited, I was about to run indoors to tell the wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in the garden...

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIRATE THAT KISSED THE PIRATE WOMANS TREASURE CHEST?

His tongue got stuck in her booty!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to get something off my chest...

My Breasts and my name is Bob.

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

What did the Heron get tattooed on his chest?

No Egrets.

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s.

On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You’re under a vest!

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

I went to the doctor with a chest infection.

I asked the doctor, "TB or not TB?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?

Ya can't call 'em shit because you probably have dick in your mouth.

*Sweatshirts*

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make ...

A woman wearing a necklace with an airplane charm notices a guy starting at her chest

She asks him "Do you like the airplane?"

He says "No, I like the airport!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s it called when a skeleton shits on your chest?

A spooky dookie ....

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

What’s the difference between a Greyhound Terminal and a lobster with chest implants?

One is a crusty bus station, there other is a busty crustacean.

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading t...

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

As a guy, I used to shave my chest hair...

But now it’s starting to grow on me.

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

What do you call a man without a nose and a chest?

nobody knows...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells on her chest?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?

A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

A married man found a chest with 20k and 3 pieces of corn

Man: honey, I just found a chest with some interesting items inside

Woman: what is it?

Man: well there is 20,000 dollars inside and 3 pieces of corn

Woman: well that is my cheating chest, every time that I have cheated on you I put a piece of corn

The man thinks to h...

When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks

"Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?

Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats.

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered...

What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest?

Dinomite

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest...

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick. The cat "screams" a loud meow and runs out the door.

The wife comes in the living room and asks wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the worst part of being given a chestnut?

Getting the cum out of your chest hair afterwards.

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest?

Berried Treasure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] My new girlfriend just introduced me to her fetish....

I didn't want to tell anyone, but I just had to get this shit off my chest.

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chest hair

Two gay guys are a happy couple for a couple of years. After those years one of the two guys wants the other to grow some chest hair, because he thinks that's sexy.

So the other guy went to the doctor to ask for something to make chest hair grow faster. The doctor gave him the advice to put s...

My gym buddy and I were doing situps when he decided that he wanted to add some extra weight on his chest.

So I said "Your mother tried to love you but you never met any of her expectarions. You are such a disappointment and is probably the reason why your father left you on your 10th birthday".

Apparently it was a little too heavy.

I went to the doctor for a chest cold, she looked at me and asked if I'd ever taken steroids.

I said, "No. but I appreciate the compliment."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.

Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I have never had a garbanzo bean on my chest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."

**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the...

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend wants a chest freezer for Christmas...

I said "Why? It's cold as tits outside already!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gave a random guy in a suit a ride to his job

He has a chest with him so my friend asked him what he had in his box and he told me friend "it's none of your fucken business" then I asked him the same question and he said "just like I told your fucken friend that it's none of your fucken business. I pulled over and kicked his ass out of my car ...

I have a dollar bill pressed between my chin and my chest.....who am i?

Christopher Reeve at a strip club.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy Wants To Become A Farmer

The guy goes to another farmer and asks what he needs to start his farm.
The farmer says "you will need a donkey... And on the farm you call a donkey an ass... Then you will need a rooster... And on the farm we call those cocks... And then you will also need a chicken... And on the farm we call t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big time mafia boss gets out of prison much earlier than expected...

The first thing he does is he gets back in touch with his trusted lawyer.


He says to the lawyer "Remember when I stashed away all that money in floorboards of Luigi's Pizza place?, let's go pay our old pal a visit and make a withdrawal, I wanna move the load someplace else"

<...

Two hunters go out in the woods

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...