This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You’re under a vest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIRATE THAT KISSED THE PIRATE WOMANS TREASURE CHEST?

His tongue got stuck in her booty!

I need to get something off of my chest...

It’s your mom. We are gonna need a crane.

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s.

On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

What did the Heron get tattooed on his chest?

No Egrets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

*Sweatshirts*

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make ...

I went to the doctor with a chest infection.

I asked the doctor, "TB or not TB?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to get something off my chest...

My Breasts and my name is Bob.

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when a skeleton shits on your chest?

A spooky dookie ....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

What’s the difference between a Greyhound Terminal and a lobster with chest implants?

One is a crusty bus station, there other is a busty crustacean.

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

As a guy, I used to shave my chest hair...

But now it’s starting to grow on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hold a dollar bill between your chin and your chest. Ask someone if they know who you are.

When they ask who, answer "Christopher Reeve at a titty bar!"

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading t...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells on her chest?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

What do you call a man without a nose and a chest?

nobody knows...

An airplane takes off, and suddenly one of the passengers grabs his chest

The passenger grunts and moans in pain, as he starts to shake violently and falls to the floor. One of the flight attendants rushes to him and screams:

"HELP! He is having a heart attack or a seizure! Is there a doctor on plane?! He is going to die!"

People look around, looking for so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?

A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door.

“Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but our neighbors did.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

When a wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks

"Dear, do have any woman in your life other than me"?

Remember answer is not important at this time..Important is heartbeats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking down the line, a sergeant stopped in front of each soldier, whacked him on the chest, and barked, “Did that hurt, soldier?”

“No, sir!” each replied.
“Why not?” yelled the sergeant.
“Because I’m a United States Marine, sir!” came the reply.

Continuing on, the sergeant saw a huge penis sticking out of the line and proceeded to whack it with his baton. “Did that hurt, soldier?” he boomed.
“No, sir,” answered...

A married man found a chest with 20k and 3 pieces of corn

Man: honey, I just found a chest with some interesting items inside

Woman: what is it?

Man: well there is 20,000 dollars inside and 3 pieces of corn

Woman: well that is my cheating chest, every time that I have cheated on you I put a piece of corn

The man thinks to h...

What do you call a T-Rex with a bomb strapped to it's chest?

Dinomite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs," said my wife.

"That makes one of us then," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest...

The husband comes home and worried because he has a scratch on his chest caused by a fingernail from his mistress, opens the door seeing the cat asleep on the couch, gives him a tremendous kick. The cat "screams" a loud meow and runs out the door.

The wife comes in the living room and asks wh...

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said, “Every time you speed up 5MPH, I’ll take some clothes off.”

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn’t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of...

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest?

Berried Treasure.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

My girlfriends health

A number of years ago my girlfriend was having these terrible headaches.

She goes to the doctors, and they tell her it's a sinus issue. Another month goes by and she sees her Dr. again, and they do more blood work on her, and it's discovered to be temporal arteritis. Which is basically enlar...

A famous philosopher said, "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."

So I took a scalpel to my chest and found out I wanted the pain to stop.

My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand

"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."

"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"

"but wife I really must get it off my chest"

"Whatever it is doesn't matter n...

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

My gym buddy and I were doing situps when he decided that he wanted to add some extra weight on his chest.

So I said "Your mother tried to love you but you never met any of her expectarions. You are such a disappointment and is probably the reason why your father left you on your 10th birthday".

Apparently it was a little too heavy.

i went for a check up the other day

"take off your shirt" he said, and he’s feeling around my chest, my nipples and stomach. Strange fella my dentist.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.