Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

I tuck my knees to my chest and lean forward until gravity takes me.

That's just how I roll.

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[NSFW] I need to get something off my chest...

I just masturbated while lying down.

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

What do you call a dinosaur that never skips chest day?

Tyranno-Sorest Pecs

...I’ll show myself out

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

I was digging in my garden this afternoon and found a chest full of gold coins, I immediately ran in to tell my wife about it

But then I realized why I was digging a hole in the first place...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

I sure am getting tired of this infection in my chest but I can’t even be mad at the bacteria

I mean, home is where the heart is after all

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So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

Held a stud finder to my chest to show the wife how well it works.

She was convinced. Not a peep out of it.

What did the policeman say to his chest?

You’re under a vest

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

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That scene in Pulp Fiction

where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

A man is standing on a busy street corner with a placard over his chest for the local McDonald’s.

On the front, in big bold letters, are the words Free Big Mac. A homeless man stumbles over and asks the man, “What is Mac serving time for?”

What is a pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty.

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

I feel sorry for my dad. He doesn't have a hairy chest.

Which means I got it from my mom.

The guy went to the hospital, complaining:

"Doctor, when I touch my head, it hurts. When I touch my stomach, it hurts. When I touch my chest, it hurts. Doctor, what's my problem?"

"Broken finger,"

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

I tore off one of my nipples

just wanted to get this off my chest

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

A bartender walks into a bar

He shoots a man named Bart multiple times in the chest and leaves.

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIRATE THAT KISSED THE PIRATE WOMANS TREASURE CHEST?

His tongue got stuck in her booty!

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

Hunting accident

Two oldtimers Bill and Ted, are out in the woods hunting deer, having a few beers and remembering days gone by.

Suddenly Bill clutches his chest "Aaarh my heart, I think I'm dying, help Ted" and down he goes, out cold no pulse.

Ted grabs his phone and hits 911 "help, I'm in the woods a...

My ex worked in the radiology dept at the hospital.

Every Christmas and birthday she’d send me an X-ray of her chest.

I know it sounds a bit weird but it showed that her heart was in the right place!

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked M...

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I want to get something off my chest...

My Breasts and my name is Bob.

Best Joke of a previous year according to multiple sources.

2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:

"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"

The hunter nervously says, "My friend is on the g...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

An insanely jealous husband comes home in a rage to see his wife...

He was a large bulky man who could well tear into somebody. He barges into their 3 story apartment, slams the door, and yells at his wife, "Where is he, you cheat?"

She exclaims, "What are you talking about?" He screams, "I know you're cheating on me and when I find him, I'm going to kill him...

After 50 years of marriage. The wife let her husband to open the mysterious chest.

A couple was married for 50 years. And from the first day of their marriage the wife put a chest in their bedroom. It was a tough chest, impossible to open. 50 years the husband tried to open it, but nothing worked. The wife didn't tell him what was in there either. So at the 50th anniversary of the...

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Two Italian men while having drinks in a bar

One says, "E Flavio, do you like big girls who thomp thomp every time she walk?"

Flavio, "no Giuseppe"

Giuseppe, "how about one with a moustache, beard and hair all over the chest you can grab onto?"

"No Giuseppe, i don't like"

Giuseppe, "how about a woman who has a voice...

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

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Why are pirates all sexually frustrated?

Because they’re looking for booty but all they ever find is big chests.

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

What did the Heron get tattooed on his chest?

No Egrets.

I know nothing about the sport of fencing

But I attended a match with a friend who promised to explain everything.

The fencer took position, and one lunged at the other who batted the blade away.

The crowd went wild.

"That was a parry." My friend explained.

The fencer lunged again, the other deflected the blade...

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Nuts and all

If nuts on a wall are called walnuts, and nuts on a chest are chestnuts, then a what do you call nuts on the chin?



A blowjob

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.

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Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.

“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.

His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had got...

My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand

"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."

"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"

"but wife I really must get it off my chest"

"Whatever it is doesn't matter n...

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

A famous philosopher said, "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want."

So I took a scalpel to my chest and found out I wanted the pain to stop.

My girlfriends health

A number of years ago my girlfriend was having these terrible headaches.

She goes to the doctors, and they tell her it's a sinus issue. Another month goes by and she sees her Dr. again, and they do more blood work on her, and it's discovered to be temporal arteritis. Which is basically enlar...

I went to the doctor with a chest infection.

I asked the doctor, "TB or not TB?"

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

i went for a check up the other day

"take off your shirt" he said, and he’s feeling around my chest, my nipples and stomach. Strange fella my dentist.

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Four football hooligans are stranded on a deserted island

After several weeks of surviving on nothing but river water and berries, they decide that one of them must be sacrificed to feed the other three.

“Let’s decide based on the team we support - and *I* support Chelsea” the Chelsea fan proclaims proudly.

The other three look at each other,...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean?

I've never had to pay 20 bucks to have a garbonzo bean on my chest.

My friend just told me he had a third nipple.

He really wanted to get it off his chest.

What did the trans man say after finally telling his parents about his surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

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Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup, and as she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off he...

A man goes to the doctor

**He says:** "doctor, when I rub my belly, it hurts.

When I press on my chest, it hurts more.

When I squeeze my neck, it is unbearable.

Do you know what I have doctor?"

**Doctor: "**Yes sir. Your finger is broken"

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

A woman walks into her dermatologist’s office

and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large H-shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now, that is the strangest rash I've ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we mak...

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What’s it called when a skeleton shits on your chest?

A spooky dookie ....

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today.

The counsellor asked us; "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

Why does Superman have a lower case "s" on his chest?

Because not all heroes wear caps.

Two men were lost in the desert.

As they wandered, desperately looking for food and water they spot a tree and head towards it. As they get closer they can't believe their eyes, every branch of the tree has bacon slices hanging off it. One of them breaks into a run and grabs a slice, but before he can eat it, out of nowhere a volle...

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Three Worst Chinese Tortures

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most...

Stirring the Sauce

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs."Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his ch...

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

Batman in school

When Bruce was still a kid and was in school, one day a teacher announced  “Listen, children. We’re going to play a game called ‘Three Questions’. When I come to you, I want you to answer these three questions. What’s your name? What’s your dad’s name? What does Dad do for a living?”

When she...

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

What’s the difference between a Greyhound Terminal and a lobster with chest implants?

One is a crusty bus station, there other is a busty crustacean.

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Stabbing him in the chest

Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack

(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)

Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?

Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and f...

As a guy, I used to shave my chest hair...

But now it’s starting to grow on me.

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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on he...

What's the worst part about owning a Corvette?

Trying to keep your chest hair from getting stuck in your gold chain.

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

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Lil Johnny was is sex education class...

For most classes, he said in back but in sex education class lil Johnny always sat right in front. One particular day the teacher's homework assignment was that each student should go home and think of all of the different positions there are in which people can have sexual intercorse. When they ret...

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

The lion is having a party

and invites all animals, but the frog.
The frog, wanting to join the party badly, asks several animals if they could smuggle him to the party. After a dozen denials he goes to the silly bear, who agrees to put the frog in his chest pocket.

The day of the party comes and everybody is havin...

I have a joke about a pirate lady who got hit in the chest by a cannonball and needed some good old-fashioned pirate surgery

But it would be funnier with a punchline, wooden tit?

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

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A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading t...

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells on her chest?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big

Wedding Night Bliss

Zoe and her newlywed husband, Mike, couldn’t wait for their first night. After a romantic dinner, they retire to the honeymoon suite. As they’re undressing, Zoe shyly says “Just so you know, I’m pretty flat around the chest” “Not to worry, my love” says Mike, “I’m built like a baby down there.” Fina...

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Hold a dollar bill between your chin and your chest. Ask someone if they know who you are.

When they ask who, answer "Christopher Reeve at a titty bar!"

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A plane passes through a severe storm...

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die, I want my last ...

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

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Jacques Pierre- The French Fighter Pilot

One lovely afternoon, Jacques Pierre, the French fighter pilot was having a picnic with his new lady friend under a tree. She was very intrigued by him, as she had never been with a fighter pilot before. Soon enough, her emotions got the best of her, and she exclaimed "Kiss me, Jacques!" So he grabs...

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An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

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Therapist: So you're saying you finally broke up with your girlfriend who had a scat fetish?

Yes doctor, and I have to say I'm just glad to get all that shit off my chest.

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

How do you know Minecraft Steve is interested in a a girl?

He looks at her chest.

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What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

Endowed girl goes to the doctor

Endowed girl goes to the doctor.

Doctor says, 'I'm Doctor Wessler, what's your name.'

She says with a lisp, 'My name's Thuzy Thmith."

The doctor says, "Let's start by checking your heart." He places his stethoscope on her chest. "Ok big breaths.

"I know, and I'm only th...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.

At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.

After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time...

What do you call a man without a nose and a chest?

nobody knows...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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