One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

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The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.

“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”

The famous film producer points to his left knee.

“Disney.”

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

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A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

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A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

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My wife said I mixed up my viagra with my knee pain meds. I insisted I hadn't, but it turns out after taking them that she was right.

I stand erected.

My friend got hired off the street to be in pain reliever commercials

At the time he was just a regular guy, but now he’s an aspirin actor.

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

When you're dead you dont know that you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

Also when you're stupid.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Where did the Egyptian go for back pain?

The Cairopractor

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If sex gives you a pain in the ass

You're doing it wrong.

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

I told her I liked pain

Wish I wouldn't have mistyped paint

What do you get when you take the derivative of pain?

Zero, because pain is a constant

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A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck.

She said 'So did I!'

You know what's a pain in the ass?

Hemerrhoids

One day, a woman is having abdominal pains.

She visits a doctor, fearing that she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes back to the room.

He tells her, "Well, I sure hope you like changing diapers."

Sighing, she says, "So I assume I'm having a baby?"

​

​

​...

They told me let Jesus in , I'd feel less pain

Thats not true though because now I'm walking around the prison yard with a sore ass

Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

It pains me to say this....

but I’ve got laryngitis.

I was trying to eat a stale baguette

Safe to say, it was a pain

How would life be without women?

A pain in the ass...

Doctor to vegetarian : Where do u feel the pain ?

Vegetarian : from my head tomato

When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...

... That's a moray.

Back Pain

Doctor:theres revolutionary treatments for your back pain

Person: can you just remove it completely?

Doctor: excuse me what?

Person: Remove my spine, its holding me back

I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because parrots-eat-em-all!

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain?

A Paracetamole

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

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My wife said "Birthday sex is a pain in the ass"

I said "That's an option"

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So, I went the the doctor the other day for a check up. I said to my doctor, "Doc, my back has been KILLING me. No matter what I do, I just can't get rid of the pain. What can I do?" My doctor says, "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating," to which I replied, "Stop masturbating? Why?"

Doc: "So I can examine you!"

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Females don't know the pain of trying to hide an unwanted boner...

It's hard.

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

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Me and the wife were having a chat about the worst pain ever, she said childbirth, I said no a kick in the balls is worse, how do you work that out she said? I replied after two years you look up and say, I want another baby, do I look up and say.

I want another kick in the balls?

What does a depressed shrimp do to escape the pain?

He Krills himself.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.

He was touched by the music.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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What do you call a nazi gardener's foot pain?

A fascist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.

I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

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A man walks into his doctor’s office with an extreme pain in his backside

Seeing his clearly in pain, the doctor asks him to bend over. After a few seconds the doctor exclaims, “You’ve got a piece of lettuce hanging out of your anus!”

Grimacing, the man said, “Doc- that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."

The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says,...

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?

A Cairo-Proctor!

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

What do you call a Martial Artist in pain?

Bruise Lee

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man rep...

My dad said there's a throbbing pain coming from the facial hair above his upper lip.

It mustache.

That neck pain changed my life.

I never looked back from then.

My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…



“What operation are you having done?”

“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”

“Circumcision”

“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn’t walk for a year”

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub...

And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

.
.
(Anthony Jeselnik)

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

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I got this new pain relief ointment.

The directions said to apply liberally so I started bitching about Trump while rubbing it on my pussy.

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

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Which state is a pain in the butt to go to?

Prostate.

Flossing used to be a pain in my ass.

But now that i do it properly it's just a pain in my mouth.

The French are the toughest people in the world

They all eat pain for breakfast.

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old say...