UPJOKE
hurtsufferinganguishtortureagonyachesorenessinflammationtroublesymptompangtormentsufferdistressnuisance

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

Scientist has a pain that comes back periodically.

Keeps saying "aaaaah it Hertz"

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

What do you call a cow that can't feel pain?

A c

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

NSFW: There's a fine line between pleasure and pain.

I call it the cervix.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

If you're experiencing joint pain,

you're probably holding the lit end.

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Life without women would be a pain in the ass

Literally.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi

It may be a low level but it goes on forever

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

Doctor - I finally figured out why your pain isn't going away. Even though these medications are called analgesics

They are supposed to be inserted in your mouth.

Blonde to her husband: " I'm having pain in my chest"

Husband "Then show it to a doctor without any delay"

Blonde "Ok"

She comes home after a few hours.

Husband "What did the doctor say?"

Blonde : He said 'WOW'!!!

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

"I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist.

He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

A woman has a pain in her chest.

Her husband takes her to A&E. She's taken into a cubicle for examination. After a while the doctor comes to her husband and says. "She has acute angina" The guy replies "I know Doctor. That's why I married her. But what caused the pain in her chest?

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

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BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth

After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.

After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

What kind of plant is painful?

A faceplant.

A man goes to the doctor to complain about chest pain.

The doctor asks him "Do you eat apples?", to which the man replies "Yes, one every day." The doctor takes a step back. "I'm sorry, you're on your own."

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead...

All of the pain is felt by others.

The same thing happens when you're stupid.

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

I got distracted while studying Reading a book about abdominal pain in the library last night

Someone ripped out the appendix

Why don't pirates have any pain killers?

Because their parrots eat'em all.

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A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck...

He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

'I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?' said the counsel for the insurance company. 'Yes, that's right,' replied the farmer. 'You claim you were injured in the accident, yet i have a...

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I,II,III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain. However poison IV would make you really itchy.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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At first I found my girlfriend's kinks exciting but now they're starting to become a bit of a pain in the arse.

Bloody Peggy.

You are either anti-pain or …

Propane

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Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.

A man comes to the doctor
- Doctor, my elbow hurts a lot.
- Please bring urine for analysis tomorrow.
The man got angry, because what has urine analysis got to do with the pain in his elbow. He decided to mock the doctor and poured his urine, his daughter's urine, his wife's urine int...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

What do you call a cow that you sit on but it’s super painful?

A couch.

A man summons a genie from a lamp

The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful...

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A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

and when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was extremely sorrowful, I’ve never seen a guy could cry like that.

I took a glance at him, but he didn’t noticed, he just kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

So, I walked to him, and said, “Sorr...

Two women die and are awaiting judgment

- So, says the first one, what led you here ?

- Well, I froze to death.

- That must be painful! Sorry to hear that.

- It's okay, your mind goes numb after a while. What about you ?

- I suspected my husband of cheating so I got back home early. I checked the bedroom lookin...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

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[NSFW] My mom had a vaginal cyst drained today. She said it was as painful as childbirth.

I asked her how my baby cyst-er is doing.

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Visit to a hospital

A wealthy woman was being shown around a hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

\- "Oh My God!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful, why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

\-...

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.

The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’

The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’

‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’.
Satisfied, the wife apologised to her hu...

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What's the biggest pain in the ass for a tailor?

***Hem***orrhoids.

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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I almost punched my doctor

When I told him I had abdominal pain he said I was full of shit.

Turns out I am badly constipated.

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

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The water pressure on my bidet is way too high…

It’s a real pain in the ass.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

What's it called when you scream in tearful anger from the pain of your hemorrhoid?

Roid Rage.

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Black.

A white man in his thirties decides he has put on too much weight during lockdown so he joins the local gym, he arrives for his first session, only to find that the rest of the group are big, muscular black guys, after a bit of gentle ribbing, they show him how to use the equipment and help him comp...

I was referred to a doctor with chronic back pain.

I hope he's still able to treat me.

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My prison wallet isn't big enough...

What a pain in the ass.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For ...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

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3 men in a shipwreck drift upon an island

Upon searching the island, they find it's inhabited by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says, "go out and bring us 10 pieces of fruit or we will eat you". So each of the men goes looking for 10 pieces of fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The king of the cannibals says "now shove th...

My wife asked me in the morning from the kitchen

"Do you feel a pain like a voodoo curse?"
No, I said.
After 5 minutes silence:
"What about now?"

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

It was a real pain canceling my gym membership.

They made me hand in a too weak notice.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

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A married couple are having sex

A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.

"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.

He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."

A joke from "mind your language"

teacher : \[when you're sick\] you go to the doctor

Spanish student : no, no doctor, doctor killed my uncle in Madrid

\-really ?

\-si, my uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor, doctor he listen and say "it's all right", t...

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A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells lookin...

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

A snake bit Chuck Norris

After many hours of excruciating pain, the snake died

Importance

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. S...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

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A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

There was a French baker whose bakery collapsed on him..

He was in a lot of pain.

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

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