I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

A doctor asks his patient “What is your pain on a scale 1-10”

The patient responds “pi”
Doctor “pi?”
Patient “ it’s low level but never ending”

Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.

“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”

The famous film producer points to his left knee.

“Disney.”

How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?

5 Per Cassette.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has a pain in his elbow

His friend tells him about a new machine at the drug store. His friend says "You pay $10, give a urine sample and it'll diagnose you better than any doctor could." So the guy goes to the store, pays his money and gives in the sample. After about 2 minutes a receipt prints out that reads "You have te...

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Whenever I'm in pain, I get around it by...

...blaming it on my nerve cells.

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

A man who is well-known for overindulging at elaborate dinners is feeling abdominal pain and goes to his doctor. He asks, "Doc, is it my appendix?"

The doctor replies "No, I think it is more like your table of contents."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

Where did the Egyptian go for back pain?

The Cairopractor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If sex gives you a pain in the ass

You're doing it wrong.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said I mixed up my viagra with my knee pain meds. I insisted I hadn't, but it turns out after taking them that she was right.

I stand erected.

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

When you're dead you dont know that you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

Also when you're stupid.

What do you call somebody who takes Oxycodone to deal with the pain of taking too much Oxycodone?

An Oxymoron

One day, a woman is having abdominal pains.

She visits a doctor, fearing that she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes back to the room.

He tells her, "Well, I sure hope you like changing diapers."

Sighing, she says, "So I assume I'm having a baby?"

​

​

​...

My friend got hired off the street to be in pain reliever commercials

At the time he was just a regular guy, but now he’s an aspirin actor.

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

What do you get when you take the derivative of pain?

Zero, because pain is a constant

I told her I liked pain

Wish I wouldn't have mistyped paint

You know what's a pain in the ass?

Hemerrhoids

They told me let Jesus in , I'd feel less pain

Thats not true though because now I'm walking around the prison yard with a sore ass

Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

I told my wife I woke with a pain in my neck.

She said 'So did I!'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

How would life be without women?

A pain in the ass...

It pains me to say this....

but I’ve got laryngitis.

When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...

... That's a moray.

What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain?

A Paracetamole

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

Doctor to vegetarian : Where do u feel the pain ?

Vegetarian : from my head tomato

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because parrots-eat-em-all!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

I was trying to eat a stale baguette

Safe to say, it was a pain

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said "Birthday sex is a pain in the ass"

I said "That's an option"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Females don't know the pain of trying to hide an unwanted boner...

It's hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and the wife were having a chat about the worst pain ever, she said childbirth, I said no a kick in the balls is worse, how do you work that out she said? I replied after two years you look up and say, I want another baby, do I look up and say.

I want another kick in the balls?

I’m recovering from surgery, and still in some pain, so my mom asked me,”Do you want some painkillers?”

I replied, ”They couldn’t hurt.”

Neymar was found at a Celine Dion concert, screaming from pain and rolling around.

He was touched by the music.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into his doctor’s office with an extreme pain in his backside

Seeing his clearly in pain, the doctor asks him to bend over. After a few seconds the doctor exclaims, “You’ve got a piece of lettuce hanging out of your anus!”

Grimacing, the man said, “Doc- that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor complaining of pain in my intestines...

When they diagnosed me with constipation I replied:

"I don't give a shit."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a nazi gardener's foot pain?

A fascist planter's Plantar Fasciitis.

What does a depressed shrimp do to escape the pain?

He Krills himself.

I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.

The pin really is mightier than the sore.

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."

The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Body Pain

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”

“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.

The doctor says,...

This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man rep...

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

Pain.

Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…



“What operation are you having done?”

“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”

“Circumcision”

“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn’t walk for a year”

What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain?

A Cairo-Proctor!

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

What do you call a Martial Artist in pain?

Bruise Lee

What Roman emperor suffered from head pains?

Julius Seizure

My wife was recently submitted to hospital with chest pains.

The consultant said, "Mr Smith, your wife has acute angina"
I said, "Yes I know that, but how's her heart ?"

That neck pain changed my life.

I never looked back from then.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Q: which car company likes to inflict pain to another person?

A: Mer-sadist

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."