What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?

Ass skin for a friend...

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

I’m really starting to get along with my skin cancer

You could say it’s really growing on me

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

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A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.

The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"

"Of course, what's the problem?" he ...

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

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Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Women have one skin

Men have four skins

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think....

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

Did you hear about the kid that got a skin graft from a pig?

Pork kid

I told my wife, "You are so skinny."

Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

What shoes do they make out of banana skins?

Slippers.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

Skin Cream

These days applying skin cream to an area of the body is quite topical.

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

What did the religious patient say when he was diagnosed with a skin abnormality?

Jesus, take the wheal

Moisturiser is good for your skin

Let that sink in.

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

Why are all celebrities with skin head so successful?

Because fortune favors the bald

Don't be ashamed about your skin color.

At Least your skeleton is white.

Superglue comes with a warning: "Caution - Instantly bonds skin." But a whole shipment got out with a misprint: "Caution - Instantly bonds kin."

That's how I ended up marrying my first cousin.

I thought I saw a guy with purple skin yesterday.

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?

It had melonoma

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An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in whic...

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

It doesn’t matter what color of skin you have

Whether it’s purple, black, orange, brown, or normal.

What does a Dr. Who fan say when he has dry skin?

EXFOLIATE

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American get captured by a tribe of cannibals

The leader of the cannibals arrives, and says "Greetings, travelers. I'm sorry to tell you this, but since we have captured you, you must die. Furthermore, we must eat you, and make canoes out of your skins, in accordance with our traditions. However, we will be as humane as we can. We will allow yo...

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all.

I found it quite unappeeling.

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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

Skin cancer is not that bad

It grows on you

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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

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What’s the useless bit of skin on the end of the penis called?

The man.

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Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

What is it called when your son tells you that your skin is so pale that you look like a vampire?

A Son-burn

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the wom...

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Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).


Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.


"You are all trespassing on our lan...

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I don't care about skin color, race, sexual preference or social status.

I just hate everyone.

Why do cops have really clear skin?

They're great at popping black heads.

why does your skin turn red after you scratch it for some time?

Answer: I'm black, so I don't know the answer to this question.

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

Hey check out my foreskin

[removed]

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

What do you call a rational Irishman who looks after his skin?

Dermot O'logical

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

What do you call a skin head that doesn’t eat meat?

A vegetaryan

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"

"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

I was just reading about a guy who was arrested for a hate crime in the U.K. for suggesting that people with fare skin complexions are responsible for the degeneration of society.

That's a little beyond the pale.

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