In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

What is the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

I drew a picture of a skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?

Ass skin for a friend...

What do pigs like to rub on their skin?

Oinkment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman read, in Cosmo, that milk is really good for your skin.

Now this was a woman who wanted perfect skin all over so her master-plan was to fill up a bath, with milk, and soak for a few hours.

The next morning, the milkman arrived at the door and she asked "Hey, Mr Milkman, I wonder if you can help me here?"

"Of course, what's the problem?" he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I’m really starting to get along with my skin cancer

You could say it’s really growing on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

So I had a vasectomy, which I thought would stop my girlfriend getting pregnant.

Turns out all it did was change the skin colour of the baby

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

I once saw a skinned Grizzly

The bare bear was barely bearable.

There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

When I was a boy, I fell and skinned my knee

I called out for help. My grandfather came to my rescue. He helped me up and, brushing off the gravel from my hands and knees, he asked me which one of my three knees I had skinned.

Confused, I asked, "*Three* knees?"

He replied, "Which one of the three did you hurt?Your left knee, you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

After my dog died, I had him skinned and made into a rug.

He's now a Labradoormat.

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

I just turned down a girl because of the colour of her skin.

Can't be dealing with her terrible fake tan.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.