UPJOKE
haircuticlehideforeskintissuepeelfishreptilebarkbirdrindpeltbonefurmuscle

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

A squad of potatoes is engaged in a firefight after being sent to secure several important roads...

Gunfire and explosions are raining down on the group of potatoes until it's only the sergeant on his radio and a couple of others standing over the crispy skins of their fallen comrades. The General's voice suddenly blares from the radio...
"Sergeant, come in! What is your status, are the route...

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Always pay your doctors !

So, the queen was extremely beautiful and everyone wanted to be with her . A minister who fantasised about her too often , one day met with the royal doctor and told him of his fantasy : that he wanted to fuck the queen . The doctor thought about it for a moment and said alright I’ll arrange somethi...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

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Do you know if it's possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

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A grumpy old lady goes up to her husband and starts throwing a tantrum.

Wife: “I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is wrinkled skin, saggy boobs and a sad body. Please give me some kind of compliment to make me feel good!”

Husband: “Sounds like you still have perfect vision”

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A man's car died in the middle of a desert.

Some days later, he was desperate to find some water or shelter, as he was some time away to die of thirst. While he was still exploring, he found something which he has never seen before: A genie lamp!

It was pretty dirty and covered with sand, so he wiped it. As soon as he did so, TA-DA!! A...

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

How do you get a sperm sample from a whale?

Four skin divers.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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A woman went to her plastic surgeon wanting a face lift....

The doctor showed her how she would look and explained it would be ten thousand dollars.

" Oh, I don't think I can afford that much"

The doctor said there is a less expensive option.
" We install a handle you twist on the top of your head. As you see a wrinkle, you just twist and...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

My dad is deaf, blind, has lost alot of skin, never brushes his teeth, and he's probably got worms but wont go to the doctor. How can I help him?

stop digging up his corpse

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

Don't cut off the skin, it's the best part!

Said the priest to the rabbi.

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

What is the only similarity between serial killers and gamer

**They collect skins**

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

Three dudes go hunting.

The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He’s gone for like an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.

“How’d you find it?” ask the other two.

“Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, BLAM, out of nowhere there’s this deer!...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

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3 men get lost

3 men get lost whilst hiking in the Amazon one day, a French man, an English man, and a New Yorker. When trying to find help a tribe of indigenous people jump out at them and say, "your on sacred ground so we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes, but we aren't that crazy so we will...

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

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My Technology Is Better Than Yours

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my...

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So, the young woman goes for her annual check up.

Doctor Johnson gives her all the usual tests and everything is good. But he marvels at her complexion. "I've been your doctor for 20 years now and your skin is as smooth as a child's", he says. "Tell me your secret." She says, "I eat healthy foods, avoid the sun, and have a daily milk bath." "Milk?"...

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

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[Translated] a maid sees a used condom floating in the commode and frantically calls the madam .

When the madam arrives,she points the condom and asks " What's this ?"

Madam who was clearly annoyed asks " Don't they have sex in your Village? "

Maid " we do but not so much that skin falls off'

Humans are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Valetine's in 2022

Roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down.

Body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in.

The longer it's in, the stronger it gets, it goes in dry and comes out wet.

It comes out dripping, and starts to sag, it's not what you think......

Its a t...

What do you get when you put a vibrator in sheep skin rug?

A baa hum rug!

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.

So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture t...

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

Pig medication

What do pigs apply for dry skin? Oinkment.

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Three attractive women are on a plane together: an Scottish woman named Nessa, a Latina named Rosita, and a black woman named Ladonna.

The plane is flying over the ocean when it suddenly crashes and falls into the ocean. The three women climb onto a floatation device.

Nessa takes off her clothes and puts on a green bikini from her carry-on bag. "I'm wearing my green bikini because it contrasts with the red of my hair, and we...

Bear hunters

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but ...

My mother in law told me that beauty is only skin deep

She must have been born inside out...

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

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I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

When I was a lad, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa.

I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.I'll never forget the p...

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I brought my grandmother to a fish spa centre...

I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

It's What's in the Inside

"Tell me, what do you look for in a man?"

"Honey, I like my man the same way I like my watermelon."

\-----

He thought about this for a moment.

"That's an interesting analogy, and one *I've* never heard before." "I like the way you think."

"Oh yeah?? You know what...

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I lost my wife at the airport.

Whilst looking for her, I bumped into this guy who had also lost his wife somewhere in the airport.

I thought best course of action is to look for both wives together, so I asked him what his wife looks like so I can keep an eye out.

He said "She's 21, tanned skin, 5ft 8", with lon...

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

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Susie is a prostitute...

... who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past & sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised & ask her 'How, do u ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

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A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…

The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you, we’re going to eat you, and we’re going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we’re in a good mood today will...

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

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A couple of cowboys on a cattle drive were sitting by their fire in the middle of the night

... when a bearded stranger wearing bear-skins galloped up in a cloud of dust. He was riding a longhorn bull with a brass ring through his nose.

He jumped off , punched the bull in the head to knock it out, came to the campfire, and emptied a hot pan of beans straight into his mouth then wash...

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

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A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

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An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn't invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.

He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.

His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then...

How Old

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what...

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was...

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The Position

A young woman with oozing sores on her elbows and knees went to see a doctor. "You've got to help me," she said. "These sores won't heal. I can't wear any long sleeves or slacks, and they look awful." The doctor consulted his medical books and finally said, "I can only come up with one question to h...

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

What's scarier than a skin-walker?

4 skin-walker

A lady goes to the store to get a hair trimmer for her dog

..as she's browsing a clerk comes along and says "If you're using it on you're underarms, don't spray on deodorant for a few hours it will sting a lot." She says "No it's not for my underarms."

The clerk says "Well if you're doing your legs, don't wear pantyhose for a day, it can irritate you...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die

But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

My friend doesn’t like to talk about her dry skin…

She’d rather just sweep it under the carpet

A customer asked a grocer, "How much is a banana?"

Grocer: $1

Customer: Would you sell it for .60 cents?

Grocer: You could only get the skin for that price.

Customer: Here's .40 cents for the banana, keep the skin.

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Did you hear about the boy born with no eyelids?

They used the skin from his circumcision to make his new eyelids.

The doctor said he made it through the surgery fine, but may end up a little cockeyed.

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

When Chuck Norris gets suncream on his skin...

The sun is protected from him

How can someone be a racist and have acne?

Like bro, worry about your own skin

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A single-man hadn't been laid in years...

He began to entertain the idea of hiring a prostitute for a steamy evening. He worked up the courage and began driving around in town until he came upon a woman of the night on a street corner.

"Hello, ma'am! Are you available for hire?" he said to her.

"I might be for the right price....

On their last day, a group of tourists traveling around Australia decide to go to a souvenir shop.

Everyone’s shopping for cool stuff until one lady stops and wonders why two absolutely identical wallets cost $100 and $1000 respectively. To which the owner replies, “They may look identical to you, Madam, but the 100-dollar wallet is made of crocodile skin, whereas the 1000-dollar one is made of c...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

I'm fair-skinned.

I have tattoos of ferris wheels, tilt-a-whirls and sno-cones.

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I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

*My* marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the...

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone

**Bank Teller:** So— is this not a robbery?

**Me:** No, It is.

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

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What do you call a female deer with pickle skin?

Dildo.

My friend loves to talk about their new skin lotion.

He just keeps rubbing it in.

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

A vegetable joke

What do you call broccoli that skinned it's knee?


Scabbage

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

Blackberry Hill

A man tending bar was working as usual with a small number of people. A guy walks in with his pants slung over his shoulder, clearly sweating, his hot dog on full display. The bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The guy responds "I was on top of Blackberry Hill."...

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

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A man was stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years

A beautiful woman in a skin-tight wetsuit washes up on shore and walks up to him. She asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?"

"About ten years," the man says. The woman unzips her wetsuit a little at the neck, pulls out a flask, hands it to the man and he drinks deeply.

"H...

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

I was swindled by a tiny man dressed in green.

He was begging and I gave him money because he claimed to be afflicted by a horrible and infamous skin disease. I have since learned that claim was false.

Yes, I fell victim to a classic leper con.

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

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