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Skin Jokes

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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A blonde heard cows milk was good for your skin

She went to a farmer and asked for milk.

Farmer: Would you like it Pasteurized?

Blonde: No, up to my tits is fine.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly.

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

I took my grandpa to one of those places where the fish eat dead skin.

It cost me $50, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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Skin deep.

A man's face was badly burned in a kitchen fire. The doctors agreed that the only hope of restoring it was to do a skin graft.

Unfortunately, he was a very slim dude and there was not enough excess skin to do the procedure. So they took skin from his wife's buttocks.

The operation was...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said h...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

What do you call one of the Irish wee folk with a bad skin disease?

A Leper-chaun

I went to an English pharmacy and asked the guy, “Do you have anything for dry skin?”

Pharmacist: Aloe.

Me: Uhh. Hi. Do you have anything for dry skin?

Skin deep

I tried to get to know my dermatologist, but he is just a surface person.

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

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saving your skin

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are travelling the wilds of Africa, when they are captured by a tribe of savages. They are tied to a tree and the chief comes up to them.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do: we'll cut you all the way open, pull out your intestines to make sausages, and we...

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A dad from Appalachia asked his son what he learned in school that day. He said “the boys on the bus were saying the skin between your legs is the ‘taint’ but I don’t know why they were calling it that.”

The father replied, “well if I remember correctly from my learnin it’s because it t’aint the balls, but it t’aint quite the butthole either.”

What skin conditions do chickens get?

Eggsma.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Why do cops have really clear skin?

They're great at popping black heads.

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

Chuck Norris has a bear skinned rug…

The bear’s not dead, it’s just afraid to move.

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

What's scarier than a skin-walker?

4 skin-walker

Don't cut off the skin, it's the best part!

Said the priest to the rabbi.

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

When Chuck Norris gets suncream on his skin...

The sun is protected from him

I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die

But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life

This guy said I needed thicker skin.

So I got a huge tattoo of Paris Hilton.

What would a rainbow dragon musician's skin be covered with?

Chromatic scales

I'm fair-skinned.

I have tattoos of ferris wheels, tilt-a-whirls and sno-cones.

What do you call an Irish man with a skin condition?

Dermot O'logical

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I just slipped on a banana skin.

I look ridiculous in it.

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What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman.

My skin is so oily

that I'm afraid that one day America may invade it!

What do you get when you put a vibrator in sheep skin rug?

A baa hum rug!

Mud treatment is good for the skin....

...but I saw a sign the other day saying "Sewage Treatment Works". Trust me, it doesn't.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

My friend and I signed up to win a lifetime supply of skin lotion. He won and I didn't

The worst part is that he keeps rubbing it in.

My mother in law told me that beauty is only skin deep

She must have been born inside out...

Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?

Cause otherwise, they'd be boxers!!!

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

The biology teacher told us our skin is the biggest organ...

Here i was thinking it was the one they play in the church down the road!

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

Yesterday I encountered a woman with a very extravagant dress, flawless skin, and a really fancy purse.

I avoided her since I thought she would judge me by my appearance.

The skin on your elbow is colloquially called the Wenis, but do you know what surrounds the Wenis?

Moreskin

What if you were stuck in a sausage skin?

That would really be a wurst case scenario.

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

Skin Cream

These days applying skin cream to an area of the body is quite topical.

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.

The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...

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What do you call a female deer with pickle skin?

Dildo.

My doctor told me I have modeled skin.

I said model, really? I always thought it looked like concrete that sat in acid rain for 20 years. He said no, m-o-t-t-l-e-d, and it’s a severe case. I said severe huh? I guess that makes me a super mottle.

Her: You have such great skin!

Him: Yes, I have epicthelials!

how many layers of skin is a Jewish man missing?

fore

Humor is like skin tone

I like it dark, but not everyone does

My friend doesn’t like to talk about her dry skin…

She’d rather just sweep it under the carpet

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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loose skin around the vagina? (women)(sfw)

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, b...

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. L...

My wife has really dry skin

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

Alligator Skin Shoes

[Alligator Skin Shoes](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/16/alligator-skin-shoes/#more-1821)

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
...

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

What part of Popeye has the smoothest skin?

The part he dips in Olive Oyl.

(Possibly NSFW) You put one layer of Second Skin on a blister...

If you put two layers on, do you have Fourth Skin?

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

Everyones skin goes bad this time of year...

Eczemas Day.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

Moisturiser is good for your skin

Let that sink in.

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Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

Don't be ashamed about your skin color.

At Least your skeleton is white.

I chose not to go to the doctor for my skin irritation.

It was a rash decision.

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

I drew a picture of a skinned fish.

It’s not a scale drawing.

I once saw a skinned Grizzly

The bare bear was barely bearable.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Man goes in to a shoe shop and buys some tortoise skin shoes

Took him 3 hours to walk out of the shop

Skin divers

How many skin divers does it take to circumcise a blue whale

Four

What do you call a robber with good skin?

A Smooth Criminal.

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

Why are all celebrities with skin head so successful?

Because fortune favors the bald

Did you hear about that skin cream that Donald Trump uses?

Never mind. I don’t do topical humor.

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