A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

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I used to burn ants with a magnifying glass.

But now I'm focusing on something else.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have contacts.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”

Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.”

Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”

What do you get when you pour root beer into a square glass?

Beer.

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

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A man hands his wife two aspirin and a glass of water...

She looks at him and says "What the hell are these for? I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says "Great. Let's fuck!"

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

Why do Russians put glasses on before applying for jobs?

So that vacancy.

Englishman bragging, “My grandfather lived for 96 years and never used glasses”

Russian: Yes I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle

A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

My mom: USE A FUCKING COASTER

Mt Vesuvius victim’s brain ‘turned to glass’ says study.

Well at least he's thinking clearly now.

It only takes one glass of wine to put me under...

Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,

A postman is delivering a package as a 8 year old opens the door with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a big cigar in his mouth.

The postman is shocked : "Aren't your parents at home?"

The 8 year old : "Does it look so?"

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

Not wearing glasses anymore

I’ve seen enough

What do you call an otter that just got glasses?

A see otter

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into in the glasses store

Everybody

The guy who invented glasses was ridiculed

“Get those stupid things off your face!” his friends told him.

“Four eyes!” crowds jeered.

“Witchcraft!” the villagers cried as they ran him out of town.

Enraged, the inventor faced the mob. “One day, you’ll see! You’ll all see!!!”

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

As someone who wears glasses, I am excited for the next decade

It's the first time I will be able to see 2020

A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband drinking from a shot glass at 7am...

Her:”A bit early to be drinking isn’t it?”
Him:”It’s tea”
Her:”What kind of tea do you drink from a shot glass?”
Him:”Tea-quilla”


From my 10 year old son.

Ps. I can stop drinking anytime I want.

So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you

Good thing I have 4 doctors

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

Did you hear about the two men who fought over a pair of glasses?

It was quite the spectacle.

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My donkey swallowed a sheet of glass yesterday

It was a pane in the ass to get out of him

If you ever become depressed, try drinking 4 glasses of water before going to sleep.

That'll give you a good reason to get up in the morning.

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

Remember to wear your “New Year Glasses” backwards this year.

Hindsight is 2020.

Two guys walk into a bar and the first guy asks for a glass of H2O, the second guy says, "I'll have H2O too."

The second man dies

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

People say I look better without glasses.

But i just can't see it.

I just plan to get my glasses today.

Then I'll see what happens.

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

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People who live in glass houses...

should masturbate in the basement.

-Dara Ó Briain

A Texan walks into an Irish bar...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

What happened when my dad forgot his glasses to the Warriors game?

Steph Blurry

Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.



P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses

Your fists can hit harder

Why did the lady keep staring at her glass of orange juice?

because the carton said "concentrate" on it.

He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

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Son: * Drops a glass of water *

Dad : *sighs * such a sloppy bastard
Mom: Well, he isn't sloppy!

I had a guy tell me that I looked better without glasses.

I said, “I’m not wearing glasses.”

He said, “I know, but I am.”

Why do java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can’t C#

I bought my friend a small glass elephant for his room.

He said "thank you", I said, "Don't mention it"

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.

Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.

The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".

A guy lost his glasses and fell into a well.

Because he couldn't see that well

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

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Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of water...

which he then promptly turn's is into wine. The bartender says "Oy, what do you think you're doing?" Jesus replies, "I'm not paying your fucking prices."

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

My new glasses are going to take 6 to 8 weeks to arrive.

I can't wait to have 2020 vision!

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

To the guy who has my glasses,

I can’t see why you would do something like that

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?

ME: Through the glass bit

Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

I’m not gonna need glasses next year

it will be 2020

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my pass...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

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Glass house conundrum

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, nor have sex in the daytime.

A woman goes to the doctor

... worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting an...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

[Long] An old man with a broken glasses went to see an Optometrist

He bring a newspaper with him and said that he can't read.

So the optometrist checked his eyes and give him a generic reading glasses.

"Can you read now?" Asked the optometrist.

"Nope. I can't read." Said the old man promptly.

Confused the optometrist go look for differ...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

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How to nail a job interview

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drunk tried i...

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case

but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

What do you call a fascist that lost their glasses?

A Not-See

I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

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