UPJOKE
glasswaremirrorbottlestained glasswindowsandwater glasssilicadrinking glassgoblettumblersoda-lime glassenclosesnifterplastic

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I poured root beer into a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

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I bought some anti-poop glasses.

Now I can't see shit.

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

I wonder how many people will bury their loved ones in glass coffins this year.

Well...remains to be seen.

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

The glass ceiling

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend is always complaining that she can't advance at work because of the glass ceiling. What do you think" he asks the bartender. "I think if our workplaces really had glass ceilings," the bartender replies,"we'd probably let all the women work abo...

A car dealership in Sweden began selling glasses as a secondary front.

They’re calling it “Eye-Kia”.

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -

I always give it 110%

The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships

...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

why does the new Polish navy have glass-bottomed boats?

So they can see the old Polish navy

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

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My girlfriend has been telling me for years that I need glasses. I finally decided to go to the eye doctor to prove her wrong.

Now I have to hide these fucking glasses.

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

What do you call a sign made out of glass?

Clear instructions.

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen:Wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It isn't urgent. You can come on foot

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses!

You certainly do, sir. This is a fish and chip shop.

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Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

So my husband told me I look better without my glasses

I said, thanks, you look better without my glasses too

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

Glasses

A man walks into the opticians and asks if they can make him a new pair of glasses. the optician looks up the man's records and says, "We only made your glasses two months ago, how did they break.?" the man said, "They broke while I was kissing my girlfriend," The optician said, "How can you break y...

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The Devil said to a person who was both pious and a real jerk that he will get both heaven and hell...

The person, visibly confused, asked the devil, "O you Great Lucifer, How will thy execute such pleasurement?"

Lucifer replied, "You will get all the glasses of vine you like and all the women you want, the glasses will have holes but the women won't".

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

Two men walked into a restaurant.

The first man asked for tea. The second man asked for the same and said to the waiter, "And make sure the glass is clean."

When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea, he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

A biologist, a chemist, and a mathematician are looking at a glass of water, half filled.

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Why did the Second Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they could see the First Italian Navy

If an A.I robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,

Is it electronegative?

Two Ghosts Walk Into A Bar

Ghost 1: Hey bro, you new here?


Ghost 2: Yeah.


Ghost 1: So, how did you die?


Ghost 2: I got locked in a fridge. At first I was still fine, but then I slowly suffocated and froze to death.


Ghost 1: Damn that's terrible. Sorry to hear that.


Ghost ...

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A glass of water is on the table

The optimist says its half full.

The pessimist says its half empty.

The drunk says, who dafuc put water in my scotch glass.

Source, me, recovering drunk.

When I die, I think I want my ashes to be kept in a glass jar.....

Remains to be seen.

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

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It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

What the difference between glasses and a girl with glasses?

:glasses seem to sit a bit higher on my face

I need to decide what type of glass to use to fix my broken front door window...

...I could see myself replacing it with a mirror.

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Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven smeared shit on six’s bed, severed six’s finger with a glass bottle, and is now in court pretending to be the victim after six’s reputation got ruined.

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

A salesman walked up to the door of a house and knocked.

A young boy opened the door, smoking a cigar and holding a glass of scotch in his hand.
The salesman asked, “Excuse me son... Are either of your parents home?”

The little boy said, “What the heck do YOU think?”

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits at the counter and orders a whiskey, neat. As soon as the barman pours his drink, a monkey appears out of nowhere, climbs on the counter and dips his balls into the glass of whiskey.
The man sits there, bewildered, as the monkey storms out of the bar. A few seconds later, he asks the barm...

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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A blonde woman is at the store one day when she sees a sign that says, "X-RAY GLASSES FOR FIFTY DOLLARS".

Thinking it sounds interesting, she grabs a pair of glasses from the shelf and puts it on. Immediately, everyone around her appears to be completely in the nude. When she takes the glasses off, everyone's clothes come back.

Excitedly, the woman parts with fifty big ones and proudly wears her ...

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier.

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: That glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: Oh my God.

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

What do you call a deer wearing glasses?

Bad eye deer.

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

Yesterday I saw a marine mammal swim along the coast holding a glass of orange juice in it's flippers.

Turned out to be a Vitamin C-lion

One day 3 immigrants

One day 3 immigrants were sitting in a bar: A Syrian, an Afghan and a Turkish

The Syrian finishes his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. As pieces of glass are raining on them he says "In Syria glasses were so cheap that we never drank from the same glass twice"
...

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Amish man and his son go to a big shopping mall for the first time

They're staring in wonder at all of the shiny big buildings and the massive panes of glass when the two come across two big shiny metal doors.

"What is it, dad?" asked the son.

"I have no idea." replied the father. I have never seen anything like this in all my life.

They watch...

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.


"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

Was gonna make a joke about glass

But you would see through it

Why are geology museums made of glass?

To keep people from throwing the rocks.

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

Which side of a glass of water does Gary Larson drink from?

Neither! He ordered a cheeseburger!

Glass houses

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones..... or mastubate in daytime.

Paraphrased from Bo Burnham. Credit where it's due.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

Warning: Tasteless joke

Glass of water.

I thought my new ADHD meds would help my drinking and it works.

Instead of a half dozen glasses of bourbon with only a sip or two drunk from them, I actually finish them all.

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

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My donkey keeps eating the glass out of my window

It is a real pane in the ass.

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I walk into my Granddaddy's house drinking a coke

He tells me, "Boy, you drinking too many of those cokes. Don't you know that isn't good for your teeth?"

I say, "You be drinking bourbon everytime I've seen you since I can remember. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "

He says, "yeah , but that ain't gonna mess up my teeth."

You...

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

I have found a solution my glasses fogging up from wearing a mask

I wear a monocle, they only fog up half as much.

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A stripper tries a new form of roleplay and finds great success

The man nervously entered the room. Unlike the rooms around it, it looked plain and undecorated, with normal lighting. In it was a table and 2 chairs.

Cherry the Stripper entered. She was wearing a plain blouse, a normal length skirt, and glasses. She was also carrying a folder.

She sa...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

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A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyuiop" beers.

Testing ...

I'm rich!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "It's finally happened!" he exclaims. "I've made enough money that I don't have to work for the rest of the year!"

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A farmer has a good harvest and decides to buy a barrel of wine to celebrate with his wife.

He brings it home and sets it outside of their cottage, and he and his wife celebrate their success.

The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they'd only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, "This wine belongs to Farm...

There is a sign at the bar that says no glasses in the bathroom

That's really going to mess up my aim...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

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A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says: *”Let me guess, you want a bloody mary”*

The vampire says no, he wants a glass of hot water instead. The bartender looks confused but pours him his drink.

The vampire says: *”You see, I found this used tampon in the alley and I want to make some tea”*

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A door to door salesman is doing his rounds

He knocks on a door that’s promptly answered by a 14 year old boy wearing stockings and suspenders and a lace bra and panties. The boys drinking a glass of cognac and smoking a fine cigar.
The salesman asks “Son, are your parents home?”
The boys replies “What the fuck do you think”

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

Glass eye

A guy just exited a high rise hotel on the beach and he's walking along the sand and boom something hits his foot. After further examination he sees that it's a glass eye. He immediately looks up and there's a beautiful woman on the 3rd floor looking over the balcony and he shout's "is this your gla...

I think I might need new glasses

I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…

It’s hard to see myself without them

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Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

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Karate Dog

A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.

He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"

The owner replies, "it's actual...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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A young man walks into a bar and orders ten whiskeys...

The bartender is skeptical, but obliges. He lines the shot glasses up and pours the whiskey. The man then downs all ten shots one after the other, with no pause.

"What's the occasion," asks the bartender.

"My first blowjob," replies the young man.

The bartender smiles. "Well, ...

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

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