The 101+ Best Glass Jokes

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

Husband: honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

Wife: it's okay, dear. I'll be there with a broom.
Husband: it's not an emergency. You can come on foot.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” sai...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

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I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I have beer.

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Russian Navy.

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

Will glass-topped coffins become the newest trend?

Remains to be seen.

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk

Whats the difference between a pair of glasses and a chickpea?

I've never had a pair of glasses on my face.

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Glasses

"How much do you weigh?"

"Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses."

"What about when you are not wearing your glasses?"

"No idea. Can't see shit."

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.

Me and my son are getting glasses today.

And after that?

We'll see.

Why did the idiot climb over the glass wall?

To see what’s on the other side!

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head

Thank God it was a soft drink

A lime and fresh mint are being muddled in a glass

when the lime says to the mint "Im freezing we need to melt this ice!" The mint agreed so they shimmy the glass over to a ray of sunlight and the lime says "Do you think this is enough light to melt the ice?" And the mint says "Not bad." We need "Mo heat though."

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

Glasses for Work

I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"
"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or n...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a glass of coke.

The bartender asks: "Would you like a straw"

"Yeah, straw, lots of straw".

Yo momma's glasses are so thick...

... when she looks at maps, she can see people waving back at her.

I think I need glasses

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainty do this is a bank."

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

What is a glass eye made of?

A caller on a radio quiz show is asked the first question: “What is a glass eye made of?”

“A glass eye?” she says. “Oh… I never really thought about that. I don’t know!”

The host tries to help her a little: “What do you *think* a *GLASS* eye may be made of?”

“I really have no i...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody.

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An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

I need glasses to se my family..

specially two glasses or scotch

Why did the glass pane start a fight?

Because it was tempered.

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

A Christian welder is tasked with making a new frame for a stained glass pane…

…and is asked by his dyslexic priest to do so inside the church, beneath a steel statue of Jesus for it to be blessed by the lord.

The welder tries to do so but struggles as he cannot get the final metal ends of the frame to weld correctly, and more frustratingly he cannot seem to find out w...

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

People who live in glass houses

should bang with the light off.

What happened to the pirate who started wearing glasses?

People started calling him "Three Eyes."

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Three vampires walk into a bar. 2 order a glass of blood, the third orders a glass of water.

The bartender says to the third vampire, "are you sure you wouldn't rather have a glass of blood like your friends?"

The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "no thanks, I prefer tea".

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well.

It's an original idea, isn't it?

What do you call a kid with ADHD who needs glasses?

AD420p

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.

"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

What's the difference between your password and glass luggage?

One's case sensitive and the other's a sensitive case.

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

Why is there a ring of salt around the rim of a margarita glass?

To keep the spirits from escaping.

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A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

What did Method Man say when he got a glass of orangeade?

Woo! Tang!

A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”

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At first dates, every woman I ask says they're a "glass half full person...

But when I tell them I was talking about my dick, suddenly 3 inches means their glasses are all half empty

The Russian Navy has announced that it's commissioning glass-bottom warships

...so they can keep an eye on the Russian Air Force.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

Don’t stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer

I thought breaking glass would be easy.

Turns out, it's a real pane.

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

Did you hear about the glass jugs that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur.

My home was wrecked by a tornado taking my PC with it, I found the thing covered in glass and everything was unsalvageable aside from a stick of ram

At least I have the memory of it

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Did you know that people wearing glasses aren't allowed to play american football?

That's because it's a contact sport.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with o...

Man drank a glass of milk at the sperm bank

Man: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

Man: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: oh my god

Man: what

Sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

The glass ceiling

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend is always complaining that she can't advance at work because of the glass ceiling. What do you think" he asks the bartender. "I think if our workplaces really had glass ceilings," the bartender replies,"we'd probably let all the women work abo...

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

What do you call a sign made out of glass?

Clear instructions.

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

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The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

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It always bothered me that my tits are small, so I bought some bees and stored them in glasses.

Now i have bee cups.

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

I wore glasses to my job interview

Because getting a good job is all about optics.

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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