I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

The glass ceiling would be easier to break

If it was a wall.

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

Why does the new polish navy have glass bottomed boats?

So they can see the old polish navy

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

At the sperm bank

me: thanks for the glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk?

me: the glass of milk that was on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what?

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

So they are making glass coffins.

Will they be popular?

Remains to be seen.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

Why can't glass lie?

Because you can see right though it

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

My wife was wondering why her shot glass was broken.

Doesn't she know glass brakes when you put a bullet in it.

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.



Just wanted to make that clear.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

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A blind porn star died yesterday from being hit in the head by a glass dildo

She didnt see it cumming

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

What's the difference between the US and a glass of milk?

A glass of milk can be fat free

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

When Obama gave his first speech as president he was behind bulletproof glass

I don't think it's fair.. just cuz he black don't mean he gunna shoot anyone

Why was the dark chocolate crying over his glass of wine?

Because it was his bitter half.

So i ordered glass shards on amazon and i got a glass pane

i was shattered

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

A vampire asks for a glass of bodybuilder’s blood.

After taking a swig, he exclaims, “That’s some strong stuff!”

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,

And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion

What did the ice cube say to the glass of water?

I’m cooler than you

A thirsty man walks into a store...

He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him.

"Hello sir, how may I serve you?"

"I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice."

The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store...

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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The Glass Eye...

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.

Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs a...

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

If you pour Root Beer into a square glass...

Does it become, just, beer?

(Credit to my little sister)

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They say those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones...

Or masturbate in the day time.

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

I once made a small hashtag out of glass...

It weighed a pound and was a little sharp.

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

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People in glass houses

Change in the basement

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

Did you know that after every 39th glass of milk,

your next glass of milk is fortified?

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

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I was an asshole with the bartender before asking an iced coca cola from him; but he gave me a glass of ice without my beverage.

Just ice served.

A woman with a glass eye

A woman with a glass eye was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe.


One day while the husban...

Why did the man decide NOT to sue the glass of water?

Because he found it was just-ice.

Don’t stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer

I got a grandmother in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses

she just drinks straight out of the bottle.

What does glass taste like?

Blood

I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling...

I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me.

I think I schwepped her right off her feet.

There was a Self-Harming With Glass contest in my town...

The winner was clear-cut.

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I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

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6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

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