I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

Will glass coffins be a success???

Remains to be seen.

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

​

Just wanted to make that clear.

A horse in Russia walks into a bar, with a thick Russian accent the horse asks the bartender to pour him a glass of vodka.

Before I go on with the rest of the joke, you should know this joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think therefore, I am." I'm explaining that part now, because in soviet Russia you put Descartes before the horse.

The bartender says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might b...

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

A vampire asks for a glass of bodybuilder’s blood.

After taking a swig, he exclaims, “That’s some strong stuff!”

Why was the dark chocolate crying over his glass of wine?

Because it was his bitter half.

A man just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy!

A thirsty man walks into a store...

He fancies a glass of wine, an older redheaded woman approaches him.

"Hello sir, how may I serve you?"

"I'm interested in a lean red with a delicate body and nice legs, something French might be nice."

The woman smiles, "Certainly sir, follow me and I'll see what I have in store...

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier!

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: OH MY GOD

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

There are 3 types of people in the world: Glass half-full people, glass half-empty people,

And kids with antivax parents, who never live long enough to form an opinion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor was nervous about speaking infront of his congregation so he put a glass of vodka next to the water glass

repost because it got deleted



the next day he had a note on his desk saying

don't chug the vodka

there are 12 disciples not ten

there are ten commandments not 12

we do not refer to the trinity as daddy junior and the spook

david slew goliath, he did...

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

When Obama gave his first speech as president he was behind bulletproof glass

I don't think it's fair.. just cuz he black don't mean he gunna shoot anyone

What did the ice cube say to the glass of water?

I’m cooler than you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An unfortunate glass eye joke.

Two cowboys came into town after six months out on the range. They were very young and virgins and decided they would get a whore that night. But they were nervous so they had beer after beer and a couple whiskeys. They spent most of their money and only had three dollars left. They asked the barten...

Just saw the movie glass.

Over 2 hours long.

I was shattered at the end.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

I'm trying to read a message on dirty glass.

It's just not clear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People in glass houses

Change in the basement

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones...

Or masturbate in the day time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Glass Eye...

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.

Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs a...

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

Why did the man decide NOT to sue the glass of water?

Because he found it was just-ice.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

There was a Self-Harming With Glass contest in my town...

The winner was clear-cut.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was an asshole with the bartender before asking an iced coca cola from him; but he gave me a glass of ice without my beverage.

Just ice served.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

I got a grandmother in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses

she just drinks straight out of the bottle.

I once made a small hashtag out of glass...

It weighed a pound and was a little sharp.

I’m a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a raging alcoholic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

What does glass taste like?

Blood

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you’re a pessimist.

I never understood how glass worked

But it's clear to me now.

A woman with a glass eye

A woman with a glass eye was married to a man with a nasty disposition. The husband would punish her for having dinner late to the table or if the house cleaning wasn't spotless. His punishment was to take her glass eye and lock it in a password protected safe.


One day while the husban...

I gave my crush a glass of lemonade yesterday, and she seemed to instantly fall in love with me.

I think I schwepped her right off her feet.

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.

All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.

"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love m...

I was in a glass store just looking around

Salesman: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Oh, no, I'm just window shopping, thanks.

Don’t stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it’ll last longer

I walked into a blood bank and asked the nurse for a glass of Hepatitis B.

"Sorry," she said, "is HepC okay?"

What happens when a glassblower touches the glass while it’s still hot?

They feel pane.

What do you call a dinosaur made out of glass?

A Py-rex

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW][LONG]A warm glass of milk.

An older gentleman is in a nursing home and his son stops by to visit him. The son notices that his father is doing exceptionally well and asks him how he's doing. The father replies that the nursing home is giving him a Viagra and a warm glass of milk every night before bed and that he wakes up fee...

I put my backup cheese grater in a glass box.

I'll break the glass in Queso-mergency

I had a picture of my favorite cartoon rabbit, but when I came home one day, someone encased it in glass and hung it up.

Who framed Roger Rabbit?

My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath.

But I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds...

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

6 signs that you had one glass too many

1. All girls look beautiful. It doesn't matter if they have beards.

2. You can't use your fork because it has 1 tine and 4 handles.

3. Lights are out in the restroom. But it smells nice, and they have clothes hanging instead of toilet paper.

4. Someone called you an asshole. But...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I decided to throw 100 glass balls out the window

It was that day i realized i'd lost my marbles.

Where in the hell did my glass go,

Scotland?

Why didn't the Mexican ever walk into a glass door again?

Because Juan does not simply walk into more doors.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

A proton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water

The bartender asks "are you sure thats all you want?" to which the proton responds "I'm positive."

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

It took me an hour to remove a shard of glass from my donkey after it kicked in a window.

It was a pane in the ass.

Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. “There, it’s safe to drink now”, he said....

It’s been “past your eyes”

He’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

Studies find that a glass of wine a day for a woman increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

Did you know that all pieces of reflective glass are middle eastern?

It's Amir.

A vampire offers his mortal friend a glass of blood

His friend says "No thanks, that stuff goes right through me"