Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking 4 glasses of water before going to sleep.

That'll give you a good reason to get up in the morning.

People say I look better without glasses.

But i just can't see it.

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier.

Sperm Bank Employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was right here on the counter.

Sperm Bank Employee: Oh my god.

Me: What?

Sperm Bank Employee: You drank my glass of milk.

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses

Your fists can hit harder

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Son: * Drops a glass of water *

Dad : *sighs * such a sloppy bastard
Mom: Well, he isn't sloppy!

What's the best part about a glass of milk?

The milk.

I had a guy tell me that I looked better without glasses.

I said, “I’m not wearing glasses.”

He said, “I know, but I am.”

Why did the lady keep staring at her glass of orange juice?

because the carton said "concentrate" on it.

A guy lost his glasses and fell into a well.

Because he couldn't see that well

I bought my friend a small glass elephant for his room.

He said "thank you", I said, "Don't mention it"

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a huge pair of glasses.

I got really drunk.
The wife says I made a right spectacle of myself.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The busser sees the entire table.

Donald Trump is 73 years old and doesnt wear glasses

Because he's got 2020.



P.S. - I'm not even from America so pls dont hate me

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What do you get if you put an actual sheet of glass up your asshole?

You get a real pane in the ass

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

He took my glasses off and said, “Without your glasses, why, you’re beautiful.”

She said, “Without my glasses, you’re not half bad either.”

Why do java programmers wear glasses?

Because they can’t C#

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Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of water...

which he then promptly turn's is into wine. The bartender says "Oy, what do you think you're doing?" Jesus replies, "I'm not paying your fucking prices."

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

My new glasses are going to take 6 to 8 weeks to arrive.

I can't wait to have 2020 vision!

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

A tourist while passing a little shop noticed the name inscribed as A. Swindler- Proprietor upon its glass window.

Curious about the rather amusing name, the tourist went inside the store and asked the shopkeeper would it not be better to use the latter's first name instead of his initial.

The shopkeeper shook his head and said "My name is Adam".

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

I joined a Christian gym glass recently

It's called Jehova's fitness

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

I’m not gonna need glasses next year

it will be 2020

To the guy who has my glasses,

I can’t see why you would do something like that

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Glass house conundrum

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, nor have sex in the daytime.

“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Hey! How about that? I have good news for people wearing glasses!

Next year you'll be finally able to see 2020.

[Long] An old man with a broken glasses went to see an Optometrist

He bring a newspaper with him and said that he can't read.

So the optometrist checked his eyes and give him a generic reading glasses.

"Can you read now?" Asked the optometrist.

"Nope. I can't read." Said the old man promptly.

Confused the optometrist go look for differ...

I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

People who wear glasses must be really excited for next year.

It's the first time they'll see 2020.

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of less. The bartender looks at the man confused “ Whats less?”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”

People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case

but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

What do you call a fascist that lost their glasses?

A Not-See

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision

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What did the German say when he lost his glasses?

Arch, I can nazi!

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

Why can't glass lie?

Because you can see right though it

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

I lost my glasses

Shame, I haven’t seen them in weeks.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

After wearing glasses my whole life, I really can’t wait til January!

I’ll finally be able to see 2020.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

They've invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.

It's a non-contact sport.

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

My wife was wondering why her shot glass was broken.

Doesn't she know glass brakes when you put a bullet in it.

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

There was this student who had lost his glasses.

so he attended a C# class

My glasses may be fogged up, but don't worry I'll be fine.

I'm optimistic!

A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first...

Never hit a man with glasses

A stick or crowbar will do much more damage

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

A texan walks into an Irish bar.

A texan walks into an Irish bar and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to 12thanybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s of...

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Breaking through the glass ceiling

A wife comes home one night bragging about her new promotion at the office, "Its taken years, honey! But I think they finally are starting to respect me. I've added another crack towards breaking the glass ceiling!"

The husband replies, "If you want to break through so bad, hire a woman cont...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

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Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

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"The glass is half empty" says the pessimist.

"The glass is half full" says the optimist.

"While you dumb fucks were arguing, I drank your water" says the opportunist.

"That wasn't water" says the urologist.

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

What’s glass and sounds like a bell?

Bong!

So i ordered glass shards on amazon and i got a glass pane

i was shattered

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

What do you get when you have a room full of happy people toasting shot glasses to stoned ghosts?

High Spirits

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

What's the difference between the US and a glass of milk?

A glass of milk can be fat free

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