The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else phlegm

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

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Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

I went in to get a brain transplant..

..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.

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Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

A man is in hospital, in need of a heart transplant

However, the decision weighs on his mind as he knows he has lived most of his life and thinks that there may be others who need the heart more than him.

Soon, night has fell but he still has not made a definite decision on whether or not he should take the heart, and still without an answer h...

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

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Why are doctors who perform fecal transplants the best friends?

Because they give a shit.

My sister recently had a transplant...

... but then she traded it in for a bicurious fern.

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

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I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

I used to be against organ transplants,

then I had a change of heart

If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time ...

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

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In many cultures, a penis transplant would be considered...

a dick move.

Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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An Arab needed a heart transplant

, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing t...

Man is in need of brain transplant

Man was at the hospital talking to his doctor, "Doc, is this operation expensive?" Doctor responds "Well, it depends on what kind of brain do you want"

Patient then asks the doctor "So, what are my options?" Well, "Lawyers brain is 10 000, doctors 20 000, scientists 50 000 and politicians 1 0...

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A dog gets a penis transplant

A family's beloved dog manages to contract some sort of illness to his reproductive area. The dog is old, but the family loves him very much and wants him to recover.

The family's father takes the pup to the vet.

"Yes," the vet says, "I've seen this before. It's no problem, we'll just...

A man waiting for a heart transplant...

... says "I only want the heart of a dead lawyer." "Why?" asks the doctor.
"I want one that's never been used."

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body ...

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Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

Brain Transplant

Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:

A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:

"So we have some good news, and some bad news."

"Ok... What's the bad news?"

"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."<...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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A man is in urgent need for transplant buttocks after an accident.

Doctors report no end in sight.

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One day, a doctor was visited by a certain man, "What's the problem?" he asked. The man hesitated for a bit, before explaining his situation. "I feel insecure about the incredibly small size of my penis."

The doctor was shocked at first but told the man that it could be possible to solve his issue through an uncommon type of transplant. Without even taking the time to think thoroughly, the man agreed to it.

The surgery was performed without any issues and his penis was replaced with an elephan...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

A disembodied head was down on his lot.

The line for a body transplant was years long if at all.

He'd fallen into a deep depression, taken up smoking & drinking. 

One day, his friend rushes in. 

"Amazing news! The transplant center just called, you've been bumped to the front of the list!"

The head is stunn...

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart...

But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, “Listen God, we’ve decided we don’t need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.”

God replied, “Don’t need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test...

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender goes: "Oh shit, horse! A horse!" He calls 911.

The patrons start freaking out: screaming, scrambling to escape. Drinks fall off tables. Glasses shatter.

The *horse* starts freaking out: knocking over tables, rearing, neighing, kicking like crazy.

One patron takes ...

Did you hear about the dandelion that’s saying it’s a rose?

Turns out, it’s a transplant

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A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.

Cop: Why the rush, sir?

Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.

Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist befor...

An Irishman moved to Germany

Now the town of Hamburg had an annual race around the edge of town, and the transplant decided to enter. However, when he went to sign up he found that there was an entry fee which he was far too miserly to pay. Instead, he slipped through the crowd and lined up with the other entrants.

Ban...

My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here

He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".

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Bad case of stutters

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the
years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to
him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Y...

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A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...

A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the foreskin from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"

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A wealthy arab guy was very sick

and he needed a blood transplant for an operation, but he had a very rare blood type. Luckily, there was a jew guy with the same type of blood. The arab guy asked the jew but the jew told him that he must ask a Rabbai first. The Rabbi told him that it was okay to do that. After the operation's succe...

What do German girls call getting divorced and remarried?

A Herr transplant.

A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs

A man loses his legs in a train accident

and when hes rushed to hospital

the only available transplant are a child's

so he gets the surgery

and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain

the nurse runs up and says

'sir is it your legs'

and the man...

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Birthday Surprise

Once there was a young couple who were very much in love. The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications, and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with th...

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