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Transplant Jokes

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him...

...with my bear hands...

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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

A transplant patient of mine asked how long he’ll have to wait for surgery

I don’t have the heart to tell him.

Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?

He thought he needed a kidney transplant but he changed his mind.

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A sixty year old man with a history of heart problems ends up on the transplant list.

After nine years, he finally gets to the top of the list. But it takes another three years to find a suitable donor. His wife goes with him to every appointment with his doctor and every meeting with members of the surgery team. She discusses every aspect of the operation, his medications, his recov...

Brain Transplant

Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:

A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:

"So we have some good news, and some bad news."

"Ok... What's the bad news?"

"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."<...

I used to disapprove of organ transplants…

But I’ve had a change of heart

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.

But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!



(Edit: at least the headline is a true story...)

Double transplant

Guy comes back from his audiologist after a double transplant.

First thing he hears is ‘Happy new ears!’

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A fecal transplant donor..

Really gives a crap

My friend got a heart transplant, but regretted it immediately.

He had a change of heart.

My doctor tried to tell me I wasn’t going to get my transplant

… but he didn’t have the heart.

A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant.

I refused, telling her she wouldn’t change my mind.

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.

The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.

Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks “Why did you choo...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

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A doctor tells a patient he has a donor for his penis transplant

..the guy says "Give it to me straight doc.. how long have I got?"

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

My dad really changed after his heart transplant

It's like he had a sudden change of heart.

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time ...

So they say you can get a heart transplant from a pig now

Call me a Guinea pig doc'

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

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Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

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A doctor was performing a fecal transplant when he suddenly became blind.

Shocked, he loudly declared: "I can't see shit!"

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

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Body Transplant Operation

A family has a son who, due to an unfortunate accident in his youth, is now a disembodied head.

His mother and father take care of him year after year, trying to make his life as good as they can under the circumstances. Despite their efforts, however, their son is quite cynical and bitter a...

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

OCD patients don't receive transplants in hospital

They get reorganised.

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

My sister recently had a transplant...

... but then she traded it in for a bicurious fern.

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

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An Arab needed a heart transplant

, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing t...

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In many cultures, a penis transplant would be considered...

a dick move.

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

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Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

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A dog gets a penis transplant

A family's beloved dog manages to contract some sort of illness to his reproductive area. The dog is old, but the family loves him very much and wants him to recover.

The family's father takes the pup to the vet.

"Yes," the vet says, "I've seen this before. It's no problem, we'll just...

Man is in need of brain transplant

Man was at the hospital talking to his doctor, "Doc, is this operation expensive?" Doctor responds "Well, it depends on what kind of brain do you want"

Patient then asks the doctor "So, what are my options?" Well, "Lawyers brain is 10 000, doctors 20 000, scientists 50 000 and politicians 1 0...

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

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So they successfully transplanted a woman's vagina onto a dog..

Wishing Paula Deen the best of luck in her recovery.

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

A man waiting for a heart transplant...

... says "I only want the heart of a dead lawyer." "Why?" asks the doctor.
"I want one that's never been used."

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, the loogeys aren't yours!

How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body ...

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

What did the tree say while it was being transplanted?

Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

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