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I once had sex with a girl who performed a brain transplant

She really knows how to give head

What's the worst part of a double lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phleghm.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him...

With my bear hands

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

I want a brain transplant

Change my mind.

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.

I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
...

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

My father asked how my transplant went.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

Did you hear about the guy who got an ear transplant from a clown?

He had a happy new ear.

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

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My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

I went in to get a brain transplant..

..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.

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Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc...

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Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

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I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

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Why are doctors who perform fecal transplants the best friends?

Because they give a shit.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, The very next day,

Your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

My sister recently had a transplant...

... but then she traded it in for a bicurious fern.

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

I used to be against organ transplants,

then I had a change of heart

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time ...

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

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In many cultures, a penis transplant would be considered...

a dick move.

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So they successfully transplanted a woman's vagina onto a dog..

Wishing Paula Deen the best of luck in her recovery.

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I hear that Ajit Pai recently had an asshole transplant.

The asshole rejected him.

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

What’s the most lively recycling center?

The organ transplant center

How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

What did the tree say while it was being transplanted?

Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!

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An Arab needed a heart transplant

, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing t...

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Body Transplant Operation

A family has a son who, due to an unfortunate accident in his youth, is now a disembodied head.

His mother and father take care of him year after year, trying to make his life as good as they can under the circumstances. Despite their efforts, however, their son is quite cynical and bitter a...

Man is in need of brain transplant

Man was at the hospital talking to his doctor, "Doc, is this operation expensive?" Doctor responds "Well, it depends on what kind of brain do you want"

Patient then asks the doctor "So, what are my options?" Well, "Lawyers brain is 10 000, doctors 20 000, scientists 50 000 and politicians 1 0...

A man walking along the beach found a bottle

When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."

The man thought about this for...

A man has a failing liver...

and the doctor tells him he needs a transplant. Then man asks if it is necessary.

The doctor says its liver die.

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

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A dog gets a penis transplant

A family's beloved dog manages to contract some sort of illness to his reproductive area. The dog is old, but the family loves him very much and wants him to recover.

The family's father takes the pup to the vet.

"Yes," the vet says, "I've seen this before. It's no problem, we'll just...

Why didn't Napoleon qualify for the urgent marrow transplant?

They couldn't get his bonepart

A man waiting for a heart transplant...

... says "I only want the heart of a dead lawyer." "Why?" asks the doctor.
"I want one that's never been used."

Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body ...

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Why did the prostitute had a second vagina transplanted on her hip?

So she could make money on the side.

A disembodied head was down on his lot.

The line for a body transplant was years long if at all.

He'd fallen into a deep depression, taken up smoking & drinking. 

One day, his friend rushes in. 

"Amazing news! The transplant center just called, you've been bumped to the front of the list!"

The head is stunn...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

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Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation.

Someone had to die for it to happen.

Brain Transplant

Heard this joke from a gregarious bus driver in Yosemite:

A man at the hospital is discussing his condition with the doctor. The doctor says:

"So we have some good news, and some bad news."

"Ok... What's the bad news?"

"Your brain is busted. You're gonna need a new one."<...

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