Brain transplants will never be possible.

Change my mind.

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

Why did the rich transplant surgeon go to jail?

He got caught red-handed, inside her trading.

I told my doctor I don't want a brain transplant

But he changed my mind

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.

The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.

Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks “Why did you choo...

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

I had to get a transplant cause I can't hear too well

Happy new ears

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

My dad really changed after his heart transplant

It's like he had a sudden change of heart.

Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant?

They had to change his mind.

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I just witnessed a doctor accidentally drop a fragile organ transplant...

It was a heart-breaking scene.

My buddy just recently got a transplant...

He says it’s a fern but it identifies as a ficus.

OCD patients don't receive transplants in hospital

They get reorganised.

Two bald guys talking. One says, ”I’m fed up of being bald.” The other says, “Why don’t you have a transplant?"

The first guy says, "I’d look even worse with a liver on my head."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I ever find that bastard who screwed up my limb transplants...

...I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fecal transplant donor..

Really gives a crap

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant...

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford"

The man says to the doctor "Ok, what are they?"

The doctor s...

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor was performing a fecal transplant when he suddenly became blind.

Shocked, he loudly declared: "I can't see shit!"

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor to get a brain transplant...

... Doctor says, "OK, we got two different kinds you can get. The conservative brain is $3.00 dollars a pound, and the liberal brain is $60,000.00 dollars a pound."

Guy asks, "Holy shit, why is the liberal brain so expensive?"

Doc says, "Do you know how many liberals it takes to get a ...

Double transplant

Guy comes back from his audiologist after a double transplant.

First thing he hears is ‘Happy new ears!’

A transplant patient of mine asked how long he’ll have to wait for surgery

I don’t have the heart to tell him.

Just another one

Husband: You are negative

Wife: and you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, all your life not fulfilled even one of your promises. It is only I who is putting up with such a miser and insensitive man....

I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks.

Please I really need that heart transplant

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

What do you get when you perform an organ transplant

A liver

Whats the worst thing about a lung transplant?

The first bit of slime is not yours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

So I went to the doctor to get a valve transplant,

Unfortunately he said I would only have 6 months to live, but I said, doc! I won't have time to pay the bill, so he gave me another 6 months.

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

My wife was showing me a really unique houseplant she was growing. When she first planted it, it was a male, and it produced pollen.

After a while, it stopped producing pollen and started making seeds. It had outgrown its pot, so my wife wanted me to help her put it in a larger one. I said, “Sure, I can help you transplant the transplant.”

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little cock-eyed

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone in the transplant club just recieved surgery to reconstruct his penis

Turns out it's our newest member

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heart Transplant Surgery

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.


The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body reje...

When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun...

I de-liver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

I have a feeling that my mouth transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

The voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that.

What did the man who is in dire need of a kidney transplant say to the young man with a broken knee cap?

I don't need your bad kid knees.

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

How do you brainwash a politician?

Convince him to pay for his brain transplant

God didn’t recognize you.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it and play with fate. So since she’s in the hospital, she ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give h...

Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?

He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time ...

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

I went in to get a brain transplant..

..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred and Charlie had been having a few beers at the bar together when suddenly they both had to take a piss.

Standing next to each other at the urinal, Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charlie was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” remarked Fred.

"Wasn't always that way,” replied Charlie, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about that surgeon that offers penis transplants?

It's a real dick move

I just had a successful liver transplant operation.

That surgeon really de-livered!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In many cultures, a penis transplant would be considered...

a dick move.

A DIY kidney transplant...

...is a home renalvation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So they successfully transplanted a woman's vagina onto a dog..

Wishing Paula Deen the best of luck in her recovery.

A man goes to the hospital to get a kidney transplant

He enters the operation room, and he starts to stress out. The surgeon, realising that something is happening, asks the man if everything is alright:

"Is everything fine sir?"

"Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a bit scared about all this. I know this operation is important, but I'm stil...

When I moved to a new state I decided to start identifying as a flower.

I'm a transplant.

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

A man has undergone the first successful hand transplant in the UK. Doctors say he can move his fingers, but still doesn't have any feeling.

Also, he won't come out of the bathroom for some reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hear that Ajit Pai recently had an asshole transplant.

The asshole rejected him.

Never perform an organ transplant on a frog.

It's very disheartening and they usually croak.

How do you tell if a ball transplant has been successful?

You give it a test tickle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab needed a heart transplant

, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Body Transplant Operation

A family has a son who, due to an unfortunate accident in his youth, is now a disembodied head.

His mother and father take care of him year after year, trying to make his life as good as they can under the circumstances. Despite their efforts, however, their son is quite cynical and bitter a...

What did the tree say while it was being transplanted?

Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog gets a penis transplant

A family's beloved dog manages to contract some sort of illness to his reproductive area. The dog is old, but the family loves him very much and wants him to recover.

The family's father takes the pup to the vet.

"Yes," the vet says, "I've seen this before. It's no problem, we'll just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.