UPJOKE
anesthesiasurgeonsurgeonssterilizationmedicaldentalendoscopicoperativeantisepticpostoperativeinpatientsurgerysurgeriesendoscopypreoperative

Surgical Jokes

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make a little money on the side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

There's an old saying that goes "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

So anyway I lost my surgical license today.

My friend just told me that he had his third nipple surgically removed.

He just needed to get it off his chest.

My dad won the industry award for best surgical oncologist.

They said his mastectomy work was breastaking.

What do you call a surgical operation to remove a magician's powers?

A misdirectomy.

What do you call a F2M surgical procedure?

An addadicktome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Did you hear Caitlyn Jenner had her penis surgically reattached, then decided to have it removed once again?

She’s redickless

How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a surgical team to get it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

What do you call the surgical procedure to make a woman into a man?

Addadictame

I was in the sea having fun and saw a woman just standing there wearing a surgical mask...

Looked a bit strange but I guess she was waiting for the second wave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids? They took the skin from his circumcision and surgically attached it to his eyes!

But now the poor kid is cock-eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor for headache...

A man goes to a doctor for unbearable headache. The doctor diagnosis him. After the diagnosis the doctor turns to the man and says: "We must surgically remove one of your testicles, otherwise the headache won't go.". The man first retaliates but after learning that it is the only way he agrees so th...

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

"This surgical knife isn't sharp,"

...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...

He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures...

What do you call a man who has had his calves removed and the ends of his feet surgically reattached in their place?

Tony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

My dad was a co-joined twin.

My dad was a conjoined twin.

We used to call his brother my uncle on my father's side.

They did get surgically separated though.

Now he's my uncle once removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed...

... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.

Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the gam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was born with a rare condition called ablepharia..

It’s were the child is born without eyes lids. The doctor tells the parents that there is a new surgical treatment were they take the foreskin of the circumcision to create new eye lids. The parents asks how successful the surgery has been.

The doctor says “The surgery itself is pretty simp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Testicles

Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult
four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

What Are You Here For?

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child.

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream y...

There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinson's."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.

"I can assure you they are very goo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that kid born with no eyelids?

They used his foreskin to surgically replace them.

He's a little cock eyed but alright.

A man loses his toe in an unfortunate accident and calls 911.

They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment.

He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.

“Doctor? How’d it go?” he asked.

“Well... I have good ...

The CEO of Apple, Huawei and Nokia are all sitting together in a hot tub...

... bragging about their newest groundbreaking technology.

The CEO of Apple starts explaining how his company invented a tiny speaker and a tiny mic which would be surgically attached to your thumb and pinky finger - so you could receive a phone call, only by putting your hand to your ear. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another man with three testicles goes to a doctor and says in a really coarse voice,

"DOCTOR I HAVE AN EXTRA TESTICLE. CAN YOU SURGICALLY REMOVE IT?"

The doctor replies, "Yes I can do that but you will notice some changes after the surgery like that voice of yours might change. Is it okay?"

"YEAH THATS ALL RIGHT"

The operation is successful and the doctor visits...

The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God creat...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Labial Nip and Tuck

A woman plans a labial nip and tuck surgery to reduce the size of her labia.

The surgery goes perfectly, and when she awakes after her surgery, she sees two large vases of beautiful flowers in her room.

She looks at the card from the first set of flowers. It reads:

“Dear Gina,...

Hand Surgery

A man suffers a traumatic accident that requires the surgical reconstruction of both his hands. It takes multiple operations, but eventually his mangled digits resemble something human again, and he regains full use of all of his fingers. Thankful but somber, he asks the surgeon, "But doc, will I ev...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the sto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender brings him the drink he puts his hand to his head as if he's answering a pretend-phone. The man says "Hello? Yeah, okay. No problem," and puts his hand back down.

The bartender says "What the hell was that?"

The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish man goes to his local doctor...

The Irish man opens the door to the doctors office and says in a stiff Irish accent
"Oh doctor, I haven't been feeling myself lately. My backs been killing me"
The doctor then asks the man to bend over as he whips the cuff of his surgical gloves against his wrist. He then reaches into the Iri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor because his voice is too deep. Uncomfortably deep. People have problems understanding him over the phone and it interferes with his social life.

He says to the doctor, "DOC, YOU GOTTA HELP ME. WHAT'S CAUSING MY VOICE TO BE LIKE THIS?"

After an examination, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sitting at a bar notices another guy taking to his hand

He was holding his hand to his face and talking into it like a cell phone. He tried to ignore it, but after a while his curiosity got the best of him and he decided to investigate.

"Hey man, what are you doing there?" he asked.

"Oh, sorry, I know this must look pretty weird, but I was ...

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.