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Plastic Surgery Jokes

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo

Now you mention Botox and no one rises an eyebrow

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A woman was obsessed with plastic surgery...

Her doc told her a new procedure had been developed- they put a knob on the back of your neck and every time you see a wrinkle, turn it one click to the right and the wrinkle will disappear. She came in right away and had the procedure done.

A few weeks later, she was having some issues and v...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

I gave my wife ten thousand dollars to have plastic surgery;

now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

My wife has clamored for months for plastic surgery so she could have a smoking hot body….

After seeing the doctor’s estimate, I told her cremation seemed more cost-effective.

I lent my friend $15,000 for plastic surgery...

Now I don't know what he looks like.

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

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Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening...

Which member of the Kardashian family has had the least plastic surgery?

Caitlyn Jenner

I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

...pound for pound.

One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is....

Pick your nose.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

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Plastic surgery

Woman: *comes out from the hospital after plastic surgery looking young*
*later enters the store*
Woman: Hello, quick question.
Cashier: Ok.
Woman: Can you guess how many years I have?
Cashier: uhhh... 29?
Woman: No, I'm 50. See how beautiful I am.
Cashier: Wow!
*later enters...

Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery

walk in with A's and leave with D's.

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

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Did you hear about the woman who spent 1 million dollars on plastic surgery for her butt?

What a waist...

I have a plastic surgery voucher I no longer want

Will sell for face value.

My wife an I were sat watching a documentary about plastic surgery earlier..

"Oo, I'd love a bit of that." She said, dreamily. "It'd be great to step out with a different shaped nose."
So I've swapped the doormat for a rake.

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

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An old lady gets a plastic surgery...

She is glad with the results so much, that she decides to give herself a test.

She goes around town to ask people if they could guess her age. First, she goes in a local McDonald's. She asks the cashier:

- Excuse me, young man. Can you guess how old I am?

- Hmm.. I don't know.. ...

I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery.

The preface was really good.

Plastic Surgery

I loaned a friend ÂŁ5000 to get plastic surgery last week...

I'll never get the money back, I dunno what he looks like now.

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A 35 year old virgin, fed up with constant dating failures,

goes to see his doctor, for the umpteenth time. Fed up with the constant complaints, his doctor finally relents.

"Ok ok. There's a new guy in town, from Hong Kong. Chinese. Relationship specialist. I think he's a quack but it's worth a try." Says his doc and gives him the address.

Th...

A doctor approaches a woman on the street.

He says "I do plastic surgery, would you like a coupon for a nose job?"
She slaps him in the face and says "No, you pervert! And what the hell is plastic surgery??"

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

A lady died and went to heaven

When she got there, god said that he had the wrong person and that she had 50 more years to live.

After being put back on earth, she was feeling pretty great about getting to live 50 more years, so she got plastic surgery to look better. But the next day she was hit by a truck and died.
...

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Plastic Surgery

A woman is seeing her plastic surgeon one day. He asks "What kind of procedure do you wish to have done?"

She replies, "Well I am awfully embarrassed by this but I need to make my pussy lips smaller." She opened her robe and they were huge.

The doctor exclaimed "We can handle that no...

Gujarati needs plastic surgery

One gujarati 'fell down the stairs' and broke his face. Doctors said he needed to get plastic surgery. So he goes to plastic surgeon.

"How much?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at his face and says "2 million"

"Oh no, that is too high. I have mouths to feed, si...

How does Barbie look so good despite being 63?

Plastic Surgery

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

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A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

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A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.

She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She ...

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

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with a tickle of a man's balls...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves.
<...

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...

...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.


Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and bre...

A blonde enters an electronics store...

She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.

He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.

She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.
...

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A woman goes in for a breast augmentation...

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman ...

I Remember The Guy Who Made Me Smile For The Rest Of My Life

He's the reason why I don't do plastic surgery anymore.

The only woman I ever loved, before she left, told me that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid.

Jokes on her though. I could always lose weight, get plastic surgery, and read a book.

Even after she gets back from rehab, she'll still always be MY mom.

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

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