I gave my wife £10,000 to get plastic surgery

Last week she took the money, got the surgery and ran away.


So not only am i down 10 grand, i don't know who to look for.

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is....

Pick your nose.

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

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A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

...pound for pound.

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Plastic surgery

Woman: *comes out from the hospital after plastic surgery looking young*
*later enters the store*
Woman: Hello, quick question.
Cashier: Ok.
Woman: Can you guess how many years I have?
Cashier: uhhh... 29?
Woman: No, I'm 50. See how beautiful I am.
Cashier: Wow!
*later enters...

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

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Plastic surgery . . .

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years, they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening...

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

Plastic surgery

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That should raise a few eyebrows.

I just had a cheap plastic surgery and I'm not happy with it.

Next time I'll pay for real metal scalpels.

Finals in college are a lot like plastic surgery

walk in with A's and leave with D's.

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Did you hear about the woman who spent 1 million dollars on plastic surgery for her butt?

What a waist...

My wife an I were sat watching a documentary about plastic surgery earlier..

"Oo, I'd love a bit of that." She said, dreamily. "It'd be great to step out with a different shaped nose."
So I've swapped the doormat for a rake.

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

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An old lady gets a plastic surgery...

She is glad with the results so much, that she decides to give herself a test.

She goes around town to ask people if they could guess her age. First, she goes in a local McDonald's. She asks the cashier:

- Excuse me, young man. Can you guess how old I am?

- Hmm.. I don't know.. ...

I have a plastic surgery voucher I no longer want

Will sell for face value.

I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery.

The preface was really good.

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A woman in her 50's gets plastic surgery on a regular basis, now she's back at her surgeons office yet again.

The doctor politely states that "Since you are regularly getting nips, tucks, and lifting done you would be a perfect candidate for an experimental procedure that would all but eliminate the need for further operations." The woman is intrigued.


"What we do is install a small knob...

Plastic Surgery

I loaned a friend £5000 to get plastic surgery last week...

I'll never get the money back, I dunno what he looks like now.

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

I loaned my friend $15K for plastic surgery...

And now I don't know what he looks like.

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Plastic Surgery

A woman is seeing her plastic surgeon one day. He asks "What kind of procedure do you wish to have done?"

She replies, "Well I am awfully embarrassed by this but I need to make my pussy lips smaller." She opened her robe and they were huge.

The doctor exclaimed "We can handle that no...

Gujarati needs plastic surgery

One gujarati 'fell down the stairs' and broke his face. Doctors said he needed to get plastic surgery. So he goes to plastic surgeon.

"How much?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at his face and says "2 million"

"Oh no, that is too high. I have mouths to feed, si...

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

We don’t sell to blondes

A blonde walks past a shop as she reads the sign “we don’t sell to blondes” in the window. She goes in to her investigate the situation.

To test the sign she asks the salesman “excuse me, I’d like to buy this TV”

And the salesman responds “I’m sorry ma’am we don’t sell to blondes”
...

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

A lady died and went to heaven

When she got there, god said that he had the wrong person and that she had 50 more years to live.

After being put back on earth, she was feeling pretty great about getting to live 50 more years, so she got plastic surgery to look better. But the next day she was hit by a truck and died.
...

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A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.

She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She ...

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

The only woman I ever loved, before she left, told me that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid.

Jokes on her though. I could always lose weight, get plastic surgery, and read a book.

Even after she gets back from rehab, she'll still always be MY mom.

What did the doctor say to the duck?

I can do the plastic surgery, but your bill is going to be huge.

You know what’s weird about cosmetic procedures?

When people get plastic surgery, everyone looks shocked. But when people do Botox, nobody even raises an eyebrow.

A couple are talking on the phone and they say:

"I'm nearly done, just doing my make-up"

"You don't need make-up honey"

"Aww thanks!"

"You need plastic surgery"

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A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

A blonde enters an electronics store...

She goes to the store owner and asks him to sell her the TV she picked.

He refuses, telling her that he can't sell the TV to a Blonde.

She comes back the next day, after dyeing her hair black, and asks him the same question. He again tells her that he can't sell the tv to a Blonde.
...

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

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A woman goes in for a breast augmentation...

A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman ...

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with a tickle of a man's balls...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves.
<...

Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight

So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3.

Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with...

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The USA and USSR decide to end the cold war with a dogfight

The Americans and Soviets, at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

THREE ROSES

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "T...

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...

...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.


Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and bre...

I Remember The Guy Who Made Me Smile For The Rest Of My Life

He's the reason why I don't do plastic surgery anymore.

Long life

Once a lady met with an accident, while she was in ICU she saw god standing in front of her. She asked god, " am I going to die?" God replied," don't worry you have 45 years and 2 months left."

After two weeks she recovered and was in good health. She thought that she have 45 years to live so...

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An old woman was in the hospital for a massive heart attack..,

She prayed to God and asked if she would survive. God told her yes, she would live twenty more years. So after she recovered, she decided to have plastic surgery on her face and boobs and hips. Two months later, she was hit by a car and died.

When she got to heaven she said, "God, you told m...

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...?

Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!

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A difficult decision

A man had been dating three women on and off for a while. He didn't know whom to ask to marry, so he gave each woman $1000 to do with as they would.

The first woman spent it on plastic surgery and make up, and she returned to the man saying "I want to always be beautiful for you, my dear."...

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