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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

I attached all my watches together to make a belt

… what a waist of time that was

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

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TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

I won’t make friends with anti-vaxxer’s

I don’t want to get too attached

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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Sexism is everywhere, even in botany

To this day, there is still a stigma attached to female plants

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Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

Conversation between my grandfather and me.

Grandad: Jack, you're too attached to technology.
Me: No YOU'RE Too attached to technology! *unplugs life support*

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of t...

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

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John was walking by the old man's house with some duck tape

"Whattaya doin' with that duck tape?" The old man asked.

"Gonna catch me some ducks!" John replied.

The old man was skeptical, but 20 minutes later, John walked by with 5 ducks attached to the tape.

The next day, John walked past the house with some chicken wire.

"Whattay...

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

My name is Eaton, and my coworker and I were talking about name tags,

I keep an abundance of mine attached via magnet to my desk so I never forget to have one.

She lost the backing to her name tag somewhere around her desk.

I let her know that I have a bunch extra so if she needed one just take one.

She asks, "So, I can be Eaton today then?"
...

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his balls...

and the bartender says “What’s up with the wheel?” The pirate then replies, “Argh! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

New SUV

Well Gm has planned to relaunch the Hummer line as eco friendly electric trucks. To save even more electricity the horn had been removed from the deluxe model and a bell installed attached to a cable. It will be called the Humdinger edition.

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I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

I made a dating app for marionettes, and it failed.

Everyone wanted No Strings Attached dating.

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

Satan is giving him the tour and explains he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to receive his eternal punishment.

He opens the door to the first room. It's vast and the man sees billions of people all standing on their heads, eating ice-cream. The man is surprised by the ice cream but shudders...

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My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

My old high school teacher had peoples personalities attached to colors.

He was Red, but he didn't want to be friends with other reds because it was "too close to a fire." His best friends were Orange and Yellow.

Guess he didn't like me, he told me I was brown.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

I'm giving away my old marionette for free

No strings attached

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

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A wealthy urbanite decides that he wants to start a farm...

... so he heads out into the countryside to ask for his cousin's help.

"The way I see it," the man says, "I should probably start small. I'll need a chicken and a rooster, and I'll also need a donkey to haul my cultivator."

The cousin scratches his chin as he listens to this. "Well, ev...

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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

A man enters the emergency room with a duck attached to his head. Everybody is astonished, people can’t believe what they are seeing. The doctor is amazed, after a few minutes the doctor asks: what happened here?

I don’t know, answers the duck. Everything started with a bit of pain in my foot

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet

Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached

How coul I have known I was getting ripped off buying this marionette?

It even said no strings attached

In a chemistry lab, there's a bottle of methanol on the table with a note attached "don't drink it, you will go blind"...

The next day the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye".

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

Dating life

If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.

My friend found an old broken puppet and he said I can have it

No strings attached

Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

A man is out jogging

And man is out jogging and he sees a kid approaching in the distance.

As they get closer, the man can see the kid is in a little red wagon and is getting pulled by a dog.

As they get even closer, the man can see the kid has a fireman's helmet on.

Just as they were about to pass,...

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

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What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you!

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

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