What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

I attached all my watches together to make a belt.

It was a waist of time...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants...

The barkeep says "I have no problem serving pirates, but I gotta ask...what's with the steering wheel?"

The pirate looks at him and says "Arr, it be drivin me nuts..."

My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

Did you hear that the prices of tampons have gone down recently?

Yeah, no strings attached!

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

What do you call a lime with strings attached?

Limewire

Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids? They took the skin from his circumcision and surgically attached it to his eyes!

But now the poor kid is cock-eyed.

Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick

What is an overly attached girlfriend's favorite TV show?

Bae-watch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

-Doctor, i don't want to vaccinate my kids, what should i do?

-Don't get too emotionally attached

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

Anti Vaxx

Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.

Why do babies miss their umbilical chords?

Because they grew attached to them.

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

​

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

​

This took a lot of time, so she boug...

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards...

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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never have sex with a girl who uses tampons

There are too many strings attached

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

A quote of the President: Donald J. Trump

“I have broken more Elton John records. He seems to have a lot of records. And I, by the way, I don’t have a musical instrument. I don’t have a guitar or an organ. No organ. Elton has an organ. And lots of other people helping. No, we’ve broken a lot of records. We’ve broken virtually every record. ...

I’m giving away a free parachute

No strings attached

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men are being trained to become top CIA agents...

After countless tests and exercises, their trainer tells them “alright this is your final test, if you make this, you will have completed your training and you will become the agent we expect you to be.”

He hands a gun to the first man and tells him “you walk in this room, and you shoot the p...

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

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What's the difference between erotic and perverted?

Erotic is bringing a girl to orgasm with only a feather, perverted means the bird is still attached to it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers.

They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up l...

A Pirate walks into a bar

(The funniest joke my friend told me, hope it hasn't been posted here before)

A Pirate enters a bar and goes to the bartender to ask for a drink.

The bartender eyes the pirate and asks him how he ended up looking like that.

"Ah you must mean the peg-leg, me lad. 'Tis a fine tale...

I created an dating app for marionettes and it failed!

They were all looking for No Strings Attached.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nervous hedgehog and a and a daring porcupine were each doin a handstand on a dice..

And the two dice were on each end of a razor sharp long sword see-sawing on the poison tip of an upright spear attached to a table made of matches poised over pools of explosives on one side and sharks on the other.

Porcupine: “hey buddy remind me what game we’re playing again?”
Hedgehog: ...

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A bricklayer wrote to the worker's compensation board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number three of the accident report form, I put “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details...

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A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date."
His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you.
First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. N...

Old one but still my favorite bartender joke.

A pirate ship captain walks into bar. He shanties up to the counter and slaps has grizzled hand on the bar.

“Yar matey, give me a drink!” he says to the bartender.

The bartender looks over at him, but before he says anything he notices a full-size nautical steering wheel attached to ...

I like my women like my Roomba

No strings attached and ready to suck anywhere anytime

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor

And asks him about a spot on his forehead. The doctor looks shocked and says: “I’m sorry to tell you this but in a week that spot will be a full grown penis.” The patient asks him to remove it. The doctor says “it’s attached to your brain. If I remove it you’ll die!” The patient says “so you’re tel...

My yo-yo business is failing, and I don’t know why!

People usually love a “no strings attached” policy!

You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

A Scottish couple, were getting their child christened

Halfway through, The minister glances at the father and says, 'Your daughter's name?'

The father whispered, “Spindona.”The minister thought the name a bit odd, but he went ahead and christened the baby Spindona.

As he did so, baby's mother burst into tears and the father furiously ...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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Penis modification technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this tribe reaches a certain age , he has a string with a weight attached to it, tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis until it’s 20 inches long.

Later that ev...

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy is pulling a wagon down the street..

As he was walking, a wheel fell off the wagon and he said "Holy shit!" A preacher happened to be nearby and approached the boy and said "Don't swear like that young man, instead say Praise the Lord"

The boy obliged and said "Ok then... Praise the Lord!" Just as he said that, the wheel rolled ...

Bungee jumping: $14.50

Kids go free, no strings attached.

Lovely Mother-in-law

One day, a lady decided to know if the husbands of her three daughters liked her.

The next day she went for a walk with the first one and on the edge of a lake she slides, falls and without knowing how to swim, begins to drown.

The guy, without blinking, jumps into the water and rescue...

Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. “What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.”

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.

​

Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it....

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black guy, white guy, asian guy and hand puppet are sitting in a bar...

The black guy says, "You know the thing about dating black girls? They're crazy in bed, but you can never trust them around other guys."

The white guy says, "White girls are cute, but they're always spoiled and high-maintenance."

The asian guy says, "Asian girls are intelligent, but th...

Why is the table always stoic?

Because there was no chair attached.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.

Atlantic: What's up Pacific?

Pacific: I'm not doing too well.

Atlantic: What's the problem.

Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only s...

I was going to try this yo-yo diet I keep hearing about, but I couldn't commit to it.

There were too many strings attached

Why do men love their facial hair?

They’re naturally attached to it

My wife and I went to the state fair...

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said: "He mated fifty...

There's a bottle full of methanol in a chemistry lab...

...there's a note attached to it: "don't drink it, or else you will go blind."
The next day, the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye."

My city is handing out free healthcare products to women,

Free tampons? No strings attached.

A catholic man dies and goes to Heaven, there he learns that "lie clocks" exist for all humans...

A man is greeted by St. Peter, he quickly notices there are many objects that look like clocks attached to the walls.

St. Peter explains that every time a person tells a lie, the hand on their clocks spins just a little faster.

As he walks through the hallway, he sees mother Teresa's c...

Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

A guy goes in his car and gets out of the parking lot...

When suddenly, while going in reverse, he hits something with his car.
He immediately goes out and sees an Italian guy unconscious.
He takes him immediately to the hospital.
The sentence is clear: The guy is in a coma.
He anxiously waits outside for him to wake up.
After some time, he...

I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

Jack was a new teacher and was giving a big test to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

Jack noticed that one of the students had attached a 100 dollar bill to his test with a message saying "A dollar per point."

The next class Jack handed...

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

A really kind old man tried to sell me an expensive marionette for $5

I thought this was a great offer and bought it straight away, but now I understand what he meant by "$5, no strings attached".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun walks into a pet shop, set on purchasing a parrot.

The shop owner, noticing the Holy Sister, hurries quickly to offer her a hand and enquire as to what she’s after.

“Well, you see sir, the Nunnery can be rather drab, believe it or not, and so we’d like to add some colour, but we need a well behaved parrot, absolutely no swearing.”
The owne...

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A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep

She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, an...

I grew my hair out, and now my GF wants me to cut it.

Thing is, I've grown attached to it.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

What's the difference between Deer nuts and Beer nuts?

One has a D attached to it

I slept like a rock

At the bottom of the ocean with a mob boss attached to it

Two panhandlers meet after a long time and talk about their last year income

Guy 1: How did it go last year?
Guy 2: Pretty decent, I was able to purchase a two bedroom apartment, a Ferrari and furnish my house.
Guy 1: Whaaaaaat? How did you manage to do that, I have been on the streets 24x7 and have hardly managed to pay rent and look after my family?
Guy 2: W...

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The difference between "sexy" and "perverted"...

Q: What's the difference between "sexy" and "perverted"?

A: It's sexy if a girl let's you watch while she's stimulating her nether parts with a feather. It becomes perverted if there's a bird still attached to the feather...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic...

Women 3 wishes

A Woman was golfing and accidently she hits the ball into the woods. She then goes into the woods to look for it and there she sees a frog in a trap.*

*The frog says to her: If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.*

*The woman frees the frog, and the frog sa...

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

Three men are walking through Saudi Arabia

They however get falsely accused for drinking and are taken to the judge who sentences them all to 50 lashes each.
The men beg and plead for mercy and fight for their innocence.
The judge takes pity and says, "I will let all of you have one wish before receiving the lashes".
The first man a...

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A forbidden love

"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient,...

There once was a boy named Energy.

His parents were physicists and were probably high on something while naming him but they decided to name him Energy. When he was a young child, they noticed something a bit peculiar about him, he refused to climb on-top of something that was above the ground. When they tried to pick him up off the ...

I always thought about playing the guitar

But there were just too many strings attached

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A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road...

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road. He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog. He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.

He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorr...

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first mo...

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...