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Removed Jokes

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We finally removed some ticks from the donkey today.

They were being a pain in the ass.

I removed the shells from my racing snails to help them go faster

It only made them more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis.

It was improperly tagged as long.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed....

Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a lump, so my doctor friend suggested that I have one of my testicles removed.

He really takes his mashed potatoes extremely seriously.

Why did the old witch in the woods get removed from the Grimm's fairy tales?

Hansel Culture.



\-- Late Night with Seth Meyers

(I apologize for this)

It's a good thing Elon didn't acquire Reddit, otherwise

(Your post was removed by Reddit admins, and your account was suspended)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

So I went on r/news today..

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ajit Pai.

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.

I wrote a haiku about admins and mods

[removed] [deleted]
[removed] [deleted] [removed]
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If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]

A woman with five kids went to a dentist to have a tooth removed

The woman said "Doc, I must admit i've been DREADING this. I'd just as soon have another baby before I'd have a tooth pulled!"

The dentist said "Well, make up your mind- i have to adjust the chair."

I told my wife, “Did you know our next door neighbor was in a hospital and had half of his intestines removed?”

Her: Is he in a coma?

Me: No, a semi colon.

A Joke About Kim Jong Un

[removed]

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

Ok Mods I want to know why my post was removed.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]

Hey, check out my foreskin.

[removed]

A half-naked filthy guy enters a nail studio asking desperately to have his nails removed

The manicurist says that he can't do that. The guy leaves the nail studio saying that there will be no Third Coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has just removed her clothes to get into the shower when she hears a knock on the door.

Woman: "Who is it?"

Blind Guy: "It's the blind guy!"

Woman: *Well, he can't see me anyway....* (opens the door)

Blind Guy: "Nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"


Credit: A barber in SC years ago. If it's a repost, I'm sorry.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

Got my braces removed today.

I’m so excited I can hardly retain myself.

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday..

we call him Phil now

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

What do you call a unicorn that's had its horn removed.

Eunuchorn

My friend just told me that he had his third nipple surgically removed.

He just needed to get it off his chest.

Today I removed my spectacles

So I could tell my girlfriend she looks beautiful

Since the Pope had half of his colon removed…

I guess he’s left with only a semicolon.

Why did the fetish art meme get removed?

Because I didn’t credit one of the artists. I didn’t want to give them any foot traffic.

The doctors surgically removed a Cancer from my wife last week

He was supposed to be a Leo, but she went into labor early.

(This joke is literally true - our due date was July 23 but she went into labor early and we had to have an emergency C-section on July 21st.)

How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb?

[removed]

When he gently removed her bra, she whispered

why were you wearing my bra?

My doctor removed my appendix...

Now all that's left is the table of contents.

I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed...

... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

Mods removed my post from r/showerthoughts

I created a post titled “Falling in the shower can be fatal” but the mods removed it DESPITE having that thought in the shower.

So, not only am I missing out on Karma, but I STILL don’t know how to stop myself from bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

I'm thinking of having my spine removed.

It's only holding me back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

American Healthcare

[removed]

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

Headphone Jack

[Removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Reddit changed their logo and removed the red.

Now its blackdit

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just been to hospital having a huge mole removed from my penis.

Won't be shagging one of those again.

Why did the man collapse after his condom was removed?

It was load bearing.

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

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