I got offered a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I can really see myself doing

The cleaning lady

True story: My friend Peter owns a diner. He was delighted to have a nice middled aged couple regularly come to his place once a week to eat.

But then the couple didn’t show up for a month. Finally the husband showed up but was by himself. He looked like a wreck.

Peter asked the guy i...

Superglue can also be used for cleaning

your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The grim sweeper

Jeff Bezos is cleaning out his attic and stumbles upon a magic lamp

Naturally, he rubs it and out comes a genie. As soon as the genie comes out, Jeff Bezos starts walking away.

Genie: Uhm...hello, I’m a genie...what about the wish?

Bezos: Ugh, fine, what do you want?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The craziest job I ever had was cleaning the monkey cages in our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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Voting in America is like cleaning up after your dog...

No one wants to deal with that shit, but it's your duty.

I gave up cleaning the dryer filter...

...for lent.

Bill Clinton brings a dress to the dry cleaning

He asks "Anything you need to know?", but since it's loud from all the machines running, the worker doesn't understand him and asks "Come again?"

"No", said Clinton, "Tomato juice this time"

The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

People tell me I'm stupid for cleaning my firearms with honey.

But I'm sticking to my guns.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out.

Genie: One wish only, my good sir.

Bezos: Name it.

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You are helping a friend name jack with cleaning the gutters.

You are holding the bottom of the ladder for him as he is cleaning his gutters out.
Jack goes to get on the roof to get a better position of the gutter and the ladder slips. Says “I have seemed to let the ladder slip off and I’m stuck on the roof now”

Will you help jack off?

Cleaning

I had a cleaning lady come to my house and when I opened the door I saw a 75-year-old lady standing there. So I told her what to clean and she worked but, it wasn’t done that great. So I asked her “how do you keep your job?" She then explained to me, “I just keep clients who can’t see any better tha...

I got cleaning duties today and my wife told me she would be resting

It was my first time in years. While i was cleaning the halls, i could hear her screaming from the bedroom things like "Faster!", "Thats the spot! Right there!"




I just love how supporting she is

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

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Every time I take my butt plug in for cleaning...

they say, "Not this shit again."

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...

Careless Swissper

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

A woman walks in on her husband cleaning his guns.

He greeted her with open arms

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

What if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave..

.. and her name was Mozzerella

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

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Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow

I hate working from home

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

What did the monster eat right after their teeth cleaning?

The dentist.

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Tits Size

Three friends were getting drunk and bragging about their wives' tities. The first one says, "my wife's tits are as big as watermelons". The second one says, "my wife's tits are the size of baloons". The third one says, "That's nothing. When I'm taking my wife's bra to the dry cleaning, they tell me...

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

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I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

I noticed my vacuum is cleaning less of the house than before.

I think it has roomba-toid arthritis.

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A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised

He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.

To all the people talking about cleaning oceans

can you please be more pacific?

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

My home cleaning company went bust.

The business case was great. We hired excellent cleaners from the Filipines and elsewhere and placed them with clients. We had the perfect brand name, too:

Ethnic Cleansing

Dunno why it didn't take off.

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

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