The 49+ Best Cleaning Jokes

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

I once had a job cleaning other people's pools...

It started off swimmingly, but soon it got to be too draining.

What nationality are best at cleaning mirrors?

Polish

What did Christopher Robin's mother say when she got tired of cleaning up after him

"Stop leaving Pooh lying around!"

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What does "a fear of heights" and "cleaning up after anal sex" have in common?

Don't look down.

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

I was cleaning out my elderly neighbour's back garden yesterday when I came across a lamp.

I rubbed the side to give it a clean, and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke

"I'll grant you any wish for releasing me from the lamp!" he boomed.

I looked up and noticed a passenger jet in the sky. In need of a holiday, I said "I wish I was on that plane."

With a whoosh, my wis...

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

Why did the cleaning lady learn hypnosis?

She wanted to do some brainwashing.

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."

The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

A very attractive nurse was working a hectic schedule of double shifts all week...

So she didn't really have time to do laundry. She had no clean underwear so she just figured she'd throw on some scrubs and head to work.

Her shift that day was a nightmare. She lost 3 elderly patients while she was in the room cleaning. She took a short break to mourn, then headed to care f...

Gastroenterology Jokes

Looking for good GI jokes. That’d make a GI doctor laugh!

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Good ones I have

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A banana a day they said was good for cleaning the colon

It was a week before I realised you have to eat them

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what do you call a fake gluten intolerance?

a sill...

The cleaning lady was almost finished cleaning a suite when she noticed her Hoover wasn't working.

Thinking quick, she threw it out the window, making the room a vacuum cleaner.

An usher was cleaning out a theater after a show in the late sixties.

Walking into the theater the usher noticed a hippy was laying passed out, sprawled across several rows of chairs.

"Hey! You can't be here, shows over." He poked the hippy with his broom. The hippy groaned. "You gotta go man. Shows over."

The hippy just moaned, and the usher took pity o...

I just saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies.

It was rated Squeegee-13.

The Prodigal Vulture

Several years ago, in a very flat place called Kansas, there were two vultures named Beaksly and his son, Red. Life for these vultures was pretty simple. Wait for a predator or car to plow into an animal, then swoop in and devour the dead body.

However, Red was rapidly approaching what would ...

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

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Stingy old lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He in...

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the o...

I'm OCD about cleaning up.

There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

The story of the soybeans

A woman was cleaning out the dresser in her bedroom. When she moved aside some of her husbands' clothing she spotted a small box containing three soybeans and an envelope with fifty dollars in cash.

When her husband walked into the bedroom she asked "What is this box for?"

The husban...

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

I got a new job cleaning mirrors

It's something i can really see myself doing.

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

When i was little, we had the best cleaning lady

Because one time, my dad took her upstairs to clean his bedroom. And she must have done a great job because i could hear him applauding her for almost 10 minutes!

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it wi...

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

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The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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A man goes to the bar alone

After a few too many drinks he proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Oh man, my wife bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!" he drunkenly blurts out.

"Relax," says the bartender. "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife you were walking into ...

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door

A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there

"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

What do you call a cleaning lady who is anti-vax?

Mrs. DoubtPfizer

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

In response to the "You're not a monk" joke

A priest was tidying up his church after a sermon, when a man comes in.
"I am sorry to bother you father, but can I ask you half of a lemon?"

"Of course my son." said the priest and he fetched half a lemon for the man. "But, before I give it to you, can you tell me why do you need it?"...

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Why don't blind people cleaning up after their dog?

Because they can't see shit

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The grim sweeper

My dentist was cleaning my teeth and told me to open up more.

I told him I hadn’t seen my father in three years.

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