UPJOKE
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If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

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What is a white nationalists favourite porn site ?

Only Klans

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

Betty White Has Passed Away…

The Queen and Keith Richards move on to the Finals

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but.

atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

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Q: why is semen white and urine yellow?

A: it's so you can tell if you're coming or going.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

What's white and doesn't work?

The reddit search bar.

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

what's black, white, and red all over?

Rihanna's halftime show.

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

What’s big and white and will kill you if it falls out a tree?

A freezer.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What is black and white and red all over?

At this point, the shorter list would be "what *isn't* black and white and red all over".

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

What’s black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and

white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and ...

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Black or White

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does
your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Far...

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white

Why does Santa wear red and white?

It's to represent coming during a christmas period.

Hey girl, are you a white dwarf star?

'cause you're pretty hot but kind of dim.

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?

"A penguin rolling down a hill"

My 6 y.o just told me this one and I don't know why I laughed so hard. I felt it should be shared. Lol

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A White Horse Walks Into a Bar

A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!". "What?", says the horse, "Steve?".

\-heard from Alan Davies on Q.I.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

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Snow White and the Prince decided to buy the Seven Dwarfs a hot tub.

They all got in and started feeling Happy. So he got out and left, now they're all fucking Grumpy.

What is white and annoying while having food?

An avalanche

Snow White was in the bathtub, feeling sleepy.

Then he got out, so she felt Dopey instead.

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a white man with no girlfriend?

Alien vs Redditor

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they...

I walked past a boy sitting on the steps of the local YMCA stroking a large, white feather.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down"

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I walked in on Snow White having sex

Needless to say, she wasn't fucking happy.

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

Why do Russians wear white armbands

so they have something to wave when they surrender

What is white, black, white, black, white, black, red?

A nun falling down stairs.

<Sorry>

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Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 were walking through the forest

Thumbelina, Snow White, and Stalker 2 are walking through the forest.

Thumbelina says, “I'm the smallest in the world.”

Snow White says, “And I'm the most beautiful in the world.”

Stalker 2 says, “I'm the most anticipated game.”

They keep walking and walking until they fi...

Why does Walter White never pay for pizza?

It's always on the house.

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I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

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White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna b...

The colour White stubbed it’s toe and shouted:

ffffff

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Will Smith so white...

Will Smith so white he can hit a black man on camera and get away with it.

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

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Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

What did the shovel say to the white bucket?

You look a bit pail today.

Why doesn’t anybody want to be one of Snow White’s Dwarfs?

Because 6 out of 7 Dwarfs aren’t allowed to be Happy.

[NSFW] What is black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, red?

A penguin rolling down a staircase.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

What do you call it when a white person robs you?

Capitalism.

Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed?

Because white people have work in the morning.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

...is one of Donald Trumps more offensive slogans.

White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

Typical White Man

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

What do egg whites and my exboyfriend have in common.

They both get stiff when beaten.

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev race around the White House

1972. In the spirit of Detente, Richard Nixon and Leonid Brezhnev decide to run a friendly footrace around the White House. The event is reported by every news outlet in the world.

The younger, fitter Nixon easily beats the old, unfit Brezhnev. It's a humiliation, so the Soviet press team are...

When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?

Who's black and white and red all over?

A victim of an industrial accident at a newspaper printing plant.

Why do carpets in white folk houses always need vacuuming?

Crackers always leave crumbs.

A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued...

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White babies

So there was this white guy, a black guy, a german guy and this jewish guy. They all had white wives and they all had white babies on the same day. The doctor forgets to tag them. The white guy says, "I can figure out who's baby is who's." So he goes into the nursery. He comes out. The black guy ask...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

It’s not racist for a white person to put on white face

That’s just clowning around!

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Got a job working with a bunch of Emo kids. It's depressing, they're always going on about dying, they look terrible with their white skin, and complain about how shit their life is.

Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

Am I black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

So there is this zebra who wants to know if he is black with white stripes or white with black stripes. He goes up to his brother and says, "Hey brother, am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" His brother says, "I don't know. You'll have to go ask dad."

So the zebra ...

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This white dude gets engaged, and decides to take a solo vacation to Jamaica.

Before he leaves, he gets his fiancé’s name, Wendy, tattooed on his prick. He has the tattoo artist make it so, that when he’s flaccid, his tattoo would spell WNY. When he was erect, it would spell out her full name. He arrives in Jamaica, and is having the time of his life. While at one of the nude...

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The black cow and the white cow.

A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows, one is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?" The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?".
"The black one" says the man.
"I feed it grass."
"What about the white one...

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

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Dollar for a dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"

Me: "John"

Homeless man: "So Johnny, there is blac...

What do you get when you cross Tenacious D with the White Stripes?

Jack Gray.

A zebra wonders throughout his life if he is a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes...

So after never getting an answer throughout his life, the zebra passes away and goes up to Heaven. At the pearly gates he meets Saint Peter and asks him if he knows the answer: "Saint Peter, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" to which Saint Peter says he does...

White flags

The American flags planted on the Moon by the Apollo astronauts have been exposed to high levels of UV rays for decades. This has bleached them pure white.

So now it looks like the French landed there.

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

A man walks up to the pearly white gates of heaven

God looks down on him and speaks.

“We don’t know of anything particularily good or bad you have done in your lifetime, so it is up to you to tell us a story that will persuade us in a certain direction whether it be heaven or hell.”

The man looks up shakingly and responds with a story...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

What's white and grey and spins at 2400rpm?

An albatross in a 747.

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
<...

What is black and white and red all over

2 nuns in a chainsaw fight

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English."

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