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Ape Jokes

I love every ape I see

From chimpan A to chimpanzee

What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla’

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

What do you call an ape that wins at the Olympics?

A Chimpion!

What do you call a Polish ape?

A Chimpanski.

What do you say to a person, who is about to suck on an ape's tit?

Bon appetit

What do you call an ape with a fetish?

Kink Kong.

What’s the difference between Monkeys and Apes?

Monkeys are better at telling stories because they have Tales.

Why did the ape drop the ball?

He thought he was the king of the juggle.

What do you call a fight between two ape tribes?

Guerrilla warfare

What happens when you try to impregnate a ape with human DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

What do you call an ape that explodes, but comes back

A Boomarangatang

When apes first began walking upright...

It was a huge step forward.

Why do antimaskers love Bored Ape NFTs?

Because people with COVID have no taste.

An ape walks into a bar...

He sits down, and is soon followed by two more apes. Then three walk in, and then four, five, six, and finally a large group of seven walk in. There's clearly not enough room for all of them, so a fight ensues. Eventually the dust clears and and most of the apes leave. The two that came in second, a...

What type of ape smells like French dessert?

Meringueutan

Did you know that Germans eat more bananas than apes?

Last year it was about 20 kg bananas. But not one ape.

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

If you put a bunch of Bored Apes in a room

They’ll eventually churn out a Shakespeare NFT

what do you call it when apes battle?

gorilla warfare.

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

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Tarzan of the Apes was fighting a lion in Africa,

He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.

They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephants trunk for a dick. A couple weeks later a chimp stops by and as...

Did you see that movie about Kong, the giant ape?

The plot was pretty bananas.

What do you call an ape that's stingy?

A cheap-pants-zee.

What did the first apes say when you asked them a question?

Homie no idea. (Hominoidea)

A man and his baby ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even...

Evolution tells us we’ve evolved from apes.

I’m pretty sure we’ve evolved from crabs. You know why? Have you ever held a pair of tongs and NOT clicked them together? I rest my case.

What do you call an Ape cooking a BBQ?

A Gorilla

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

The Muslim Who Dated An Ape

Did you hear about the Muslim who was caught screwing an ape? He was stoned to death along with his haram bae.

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

Why couldn't the Great Ape tell a story?

Because he doesn't have a tail.

It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes

Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

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How many Apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes a shitload of light bulbs.

Glen and Paul meet at a Bar...

... Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. Glen is like" No way, they don't exist" Paul decides to prove it to him.

So, they hop into Paul's car and head 5 miles to a small shed with a wooden door with wooden steps, that lead down to a steel door with steel steps, that lead down ...

What do you call a simian that lives inside a ventilation system?

Duct-ape

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

What type of Ape lives in the White House?

A Trumpanzee.

I once met an ape who could use both hands...

He was Harambedextrous.

What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful?

A cheap pansy

Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

Zoo gorilla

A gorilla, one of the local zoo's most popular animals, suddenly dies one day. The zoo owner is afraid of what this might do to ticket sales, so he devises a plan: He hires a man to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be the late ape.

So it's the new recruit's first day on the job and he's ...

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The Gorilla Whisperer

So one day, Bob was at the Zoo checking out the animals. While he was reading the sign on the Gorilla cage, he noticed some movement out of the corner oh his eye, and notice an Ape staring at him, and mimicking his movements.

So Bob decided to have a little fun, and started to dance a little...

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local . . .

A husband and his wife take a day trip to the local zoo.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He’s obviously quite excited about the man’s pretty wife in the wavy, loose-...

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A tragedy at the zoo today

Due to an electrical failure, a fire broke out in the primate exhibit. The inhabiting apes, frightened, began throwing feces at zoo employees as they fought to control the blaze.

Thankfully, the fire has been extinguished but at least five zookeepers have been hospitalized with turd degree b...

/r/wallstreetbets doesn't do due dilligence, they listen to...

...ape-pinions.

A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you ...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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Karen is at the zoo

One day while at the zoo with her son, Karen passes by the chimpanzee exhibit. They are very rowdy & when Karen had her back turned, one threw feces right at her head. Upset, Karen stormed to the nearby animal caretaker.

‘Sir! These disgusting apes are very rude! Did you just see what the...

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

A Creationist and Atheist Debate

Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?

A little girl goes to her father... (long)

"Dad, where do we come from?"


The father replies, "Well, a long time ago, God decided that he would create Adam, and then a wife for him Eve, to live here on earth. He allowed them to live here and have children and we come from them."


The girl, seemingly perplexed, then g...

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, f...

Did you see the new youtube channel that's non stop footage of gorillas opening bananas?

It's super ape peeling.

A guy is looking for a job in the newspaper

He comes across an offer for $15/hr. at the local zoo. He goes in for an interview and says he'll take the job.

"You might want to listen to the stipulations first. Our ape just died and we need you to dress up like him and entertain the guests." He agrees and they give him an outfit and put...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

Did you hear about the exceptional gorilla biologist?

She was an ape lust student.

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A man hears a thumping on his roof, goes outside to look and she's a guerilla on his roof

He calls animal control and says he has a gorilla on his roof. They say they have just the guy for the job and he'll be over in half an hour. After half an hour, a white van pulls up to the house. A man steps out with a ladder, a bat, a net, a shotgun, and a rottweiler.

"So how are you gonna ...

A little boy asked his father :" where did human kind came from ?"

The father answer :" at the begining, the god created eve and adam, and they start to give birth slowly till we become that many".
The kid didn't get convenced.. he went right to his mother and asked her the same question ..
The mother answer :" at the begining, there was small animals live...

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Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

Where do humans come from?

A young girl asked her Mom, “Where do we humans come from?”
Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve in his image; they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”

A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were apes and mo...

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A man and wife are having a stroll in the zoo

A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken hea...

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What is the difference between Donald Trump and an orangutan?

One is an orange beast that makes noise and flings crap at people. The other is an ape.

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $50...

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The kinky jungle king orders fellow animals to an orgy party. (NSFW)

The kinky jungle king addressed his animal kingdom “Tomorrow is our annual sex orgy party. Participation is mandatory and I trust each one of you to make it hot if you want to survive under my rule.”

The kickoff of the much anticipated party finally arrived. The lion started his inspection wa...

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What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.



... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

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A woman comes home early from a business trip..

And finds that her husband is in bed with a goat.

The woman ofcourse goes ape shit.

"why the fuck is there a goat in our bed"

The husband replys, "Honey, this is the pig i've been fucking while you're away"

Wife - "That's not a pig you idiot, it's a goat"


Husb...

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The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The ...

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy?

17 dirty apes.

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

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Four doctors were at a medical conference discussing advances in medical technology.

Four doctors were at a medical conference discussing advances in medical technology. The Chinese doctor stood up and boasted "Our techniques are so refined we can remove the liver from one man implant it in another and have him out of the hospital in six weeks." The Japanese doctor stood up and sai...

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They asked Stephen King to write a horror story about a gorilla...

He told his publishers that he wanted to write it under his *nom de plume* "Richard Bachman." The problem, he said, was that he'd already written "The Monkey" under his own name. He didn't want people to think this new story was a sequel, or derivative in some way. Legally, since he'd sold the ri...

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Not one bit.

"KSSSHHHT. This is your captain speaking. As you all know, this will be my last flight. It has always been my dream to do a loop-the-loop, and was wondering if you all would enjoy experiencing that with me today? It would really mean the world to me..."

The 1st Class and Coach cabins go wild ...

Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

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Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Jap...

Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."

At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.

He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinne...

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

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The Gorilla

A gorilla is sitting in a tree...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla h...

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

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Visit to the zoo

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came ...

A man has a job interview at the zoo...

A man has a job interview at the zoo. The man conducting the interview looks over his resume and finds it impressive.
"You're just the sort of person we've been looking for and we would like to offer you the position," says the interviewer. "But the position itself is a bit...unorthodox."
"W...

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