“Hey man do you want to watch Planet of the Apes?”

“Seen it.”



“Ok how about *The Shining*?”




“Watched it.”




“Ok how about *Reposts*?”





“Reddit.”

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

What did the first apes say when you asked them a question?

Homie no idea. (Hominoidea)

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.

The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the fa...

What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla’

What do fashionable apes wear in the jungle?

Dolce and Banana.

Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is.

I think they're just arguing simiantics.

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

What type of Ape lives in the ocean?

A Shrimpanzee.

What do you use to fix a broken ape?

A monkey wrench

In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar

which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic

A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you ...

What type of ape smells like French dessert?

Meringueutan

When apes first began walking upright...

It was a huge step forward.

Evolution tells us we’ve evolved from apes.

I’m pretty sure we’ve evolved from crabs. You know why? Have you ever held a pair of tongs and NOT clicked them together? I rest my case.

From ape to human: 10 million years

From human to ape: 10 beers

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Tarzan of the apes

.. was fighting a lion in Africa. He won, but at the price of his eye, his arm, and his dick. His jungle friends back home said they would help him out by giving him the spare parts he needed.


They gave him an eye of an eagle, an arm of a gorilla, and an elephant's trunk for a dick.
...

Apes are very intelligent...

After working very hard with a group of apes their zookeepers seemed to have had some success teaching them to read and write.

The apes begin to make remarkable progress. As they spent most of their budget on basic children's books the staff decides to use texts about animals from the gift sh...

It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes

Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.

The Muslim Who Dated An Ape

Did you hear about the Muslim who was caught screwing an ape? He was stoned to death along with his haram bae.

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

I once met an ape who could use both hands...

He was Harambedextrous.

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful?

A cheap pansy

What do apes call sunbathing?

Orangutanning.

Apparently there's a voluntary organization trying to gain legal rights for apes.

I guess you could say their work is Pro-Bonobo.

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How many Apes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one... but it takes a shitload of light bulbs.

a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

A man and his baby ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even...

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A Gorilla is sitting in a tree...

...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is run...

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

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A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."

The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."

The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."

So the man orders two beers, and gives one...

Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."

At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.

He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinne...

Did you hear about the exceptional gorilla biologist?

She was an ape lust student.

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's...

Father’s Day Dad joke. What does a monkey wear while cooking?

An ape-ron

Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

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Nelson Mandela amd the delivery guu

One day Nelson Mandela is at home chilling out max and relaxing all cool when there is a knock at the door. Nelson gets up and answers the door to find a little Japanese guy on his doorstep with a great big car transporter full of brand new cars parked on his drive. As soon as the door opens the Jap...

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What is the difference between Donald Trump and an orangutan?

One is an orange beast that makes noise and flings crap at people. The other is an ape.

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A girl tells her parents she's pregnant

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".

Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious....

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They asked Stephen King to write a horror story about a gorilla...

He told his publishers that he wanted to write it under his *nom de plume* "Richard Bachman." The problem, he said, was that he'd already written "The Monkey" under his own name. He didn't want people to think this new story was a sequel, or derivative in some way. Legally, since he'd sold the ri...

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

A little girl goes to her father... (long)

"Dad, where do we come from?"


The father replies, "Well, a long time ago, God decided that he would create Adam, and then a wife for him Eve, to live here on earth. He allowed them to live here and have children and we come from them."


The girl, seemingly perplexed, then g...

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The prostitute and the gorilla

A prostitute is standing on a corner when a gorilla walks up to her. He grunts and gestures to an alley nearby. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the heck. As soon as they have some privacy the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.

The ...

Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

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Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

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Mr Goldberg and the Gorilla

Mr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down, the gorilla started jumping. H...

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A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $50...

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The Gorilla Whisperer

So one day, Bob was at the Zoo checking out the animals. While he was reading the sign on the Gorilla cage, he noticed some movement out of the corner oh his eye, and notice an Ape staring at him, and mimicking his movements.

So Bob decided to have a little fun, and started to dance a little...

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What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.



... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

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A man and wife are having a stroll in the zoo

A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken hea...

How many unwashed gorillas did Fetty Wap buy?

17 dirty apes.

A man has a job interview at the zoo...

A man has a job interview at the zoo. The man conducting the interview looks over his resume and finds it impressive.
"You're just the sort of person we've been looking for and we would like to offer you the position," says the interviewer. "But the position itself is a bit...unorthodox."
"W...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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A woman comes home early from a business trip..

And finds that her husband is in bed with a goat.

The woman ofcourse goes ape shit.

"why the fuck is there a goat in our bed"

The husband replys, "Honey, this is the pig i've been fucking while you're away"

Wife - "That's not a pig you idiot, it's a goat"


Husb...

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Not one bit.

"KSSSHHHT. This is your captain speaking. As you all know, this will be my last flight. It has always been my dream to do a loop-the-loop, and was wondering if you all would enjoy experiencing that with me today? It would really mean the world to me..."

The 1st Class and Coach cabins go wild ...

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, f...

Father and son at the zoo...

A boy goes to the zoo with his father. They’re at the Primates section. The father asks the boy, “Do you know what that animal is?” And the boy says “Yeah… a monkey.” The father smiles, “No son… that’s an orangutan! Orangutans are apes!”

Across the park… the father asks the boy, “What animal ...

Where do humans come from?

A young girl asked her Mom, “Where do we humans come from?”
Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve in his image; they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”

A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were apes and mo...

What month was King Kong born in?

Ape-ril

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