Brain Jokes - 95 Hilarious Brain Jokes

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

A brain walked into a bar

When it asked for a drink, the bartender said "We can't serve you - you must be outta your head!"

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

Your brain isn't real.

It's in your head.

Brain fart

Boss: Does your wife want to go skiing with my wife in North America?

Employee: Alaska?

Boss: Great, the and let me know by Monday.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

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What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant

then I changed her mind

What's the difference between a politician's brain and manure?

Manure can be useful.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

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What has more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

I once had a brain eating amoeba

the poor fella died of starvation

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains

This gives me hope for humanity.

Ah the human brain...

Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

Outside my house last night, zombies wouldn't stop moaning "brains! brains! brains!"

So I went out there and gave them a piece of my mind.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain food”s don’t actually help your brain at all: It’s all just pseudoscience.

Food for thought.

What happened to the cannibal who had difficulties eating brains?

The others gave him a hand.

Young man, we need brains in our business

"I know you do. That is why I'm looking for a job here."

Source: 1913 newspaper

The other day I thought, wow, the brain sure is a nifty organ!

Then I thought, hang on – which organ was it that put that thought into my mind again?

What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction

An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with no memory and brain damage.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”

“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”

the old grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more...

Here's an ancient joke my brain just unearthed

Good morning ma'am. We're from the health department, doing a survey on family planning. May we come in and ask you a few questions?

Sure. Come in. It will be a pleasure. My husband and I are both brought up on the importance of family planning for a prosperous nation. In fact, when we marri...

The brain

The brain is a amazing organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman naked.

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

What do brain surgeons value the most?

An open mind.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.

Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.

He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

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What do masturbation and brain damage have in common?

After a few strokes it’s all over!

What’s the difference between your brain and your body?

We WANT our brains to be wrinkly

A man goes to a brain store...

He asks the owner how much an accountant's brain sells for.

The owner tells him, "We sell that for $6 per pound of brain."

He then asks how much a doctor's brain sells for.

The owner tells him, "We sell that for $11 per pound of brain."

Finally, the man asks how much a po...

wanna hear a big brain joke?

Argon Chloride

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I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

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Men's brains

My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their penises. I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.

What does a zombie call a brain freeze?

A frozen dinner

There’s a lot we’ve discovered about the brain

But in reality it’s still a big gray area

What do zombies eat with brains?

Grave-y

I went to the doctor about my brain tumour

... he told me it was all in my head

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Brains For Sale

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'Brains for Sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, Truck Driver $40.00 a pound and Lawyers brains $90.00 a pound....

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A BLONDE'S BRAIN AT WORK

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to ...

What did the brain say to the brain stem?

You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in here...

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

A new brain cell is born in a man's skull

Scientists have long thought that the number of brain cells was fixed from childhood, but have now discovered that new brain cells can indeed appear even in adults.

So on this day, a new brain cell is born in a man's skull, and it finds itself in a gigantic dark and empty cave.

"\_ Is...

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die

But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

What do you call a blonde with brains?

A golden retriever

If your brain was dynamite,

there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.

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An antivaxxer walks into a store selling brain cells..

There were a wide variety on display

Doctor's brain -$100

Engineer's brain -$125

Normal brain - $75

Anti vaxxer's's brain- $1000

he was quite amused and asked the shop keeper.. "So how come antivaxxer's brain is worth so much?". The shopkeeper replied "because I ha...

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

How does the foot send messages to the brain?

TOELAPHONE

I read somewhere we only use 10% of our brains

I read some where we only use 10% of our brains

I wonder what the other half is used for ??

A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant.

I refused, telling her she wouldn’t change my mind.

I took a drug to make my brain run faster

I'm still stupid, *but in high speed*

My brain is like an F-22 Raptor

Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.

I have the heart of a champion, the brain of a genius

and the keys to the county morgue.

Where do Brain Surgeon Students go to study?

The Hippocampus

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What does a brain, a heart, a gut and a penis have in common?

You have to choose which one to listen to in a tough situation

big brain joke

There were 2 atoms in a bar. One says, "I think I lost an electron," the other says, "Are you positive?"

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Joke my ADHD brain thought of out of nowhere

So the Hogwarts police confiscated a coffee cup suspecting it of dangerous enchantments. Turns out the police that grabbed it drank a bit too much butterbeer. It was just a normal coffee cup that belonged to some arrogant human thief.

It was a smug muggle mugger's mug.

I'm in the O.R. waiting room waiting on my daughter's brain surgery please tell me a joke

My daughter is having her pituitary gland removed. She has Gigantism like Andre The Giant.

Update!
She has been out of surgery for less then 10 hours and is doing great. (for someone that brain surgery for breakfast) Most of the pituitary gland was removed. The doctors are great and t...

which brain?

one day, a patient wanted a new brain.

the doctor asked, "which brain would you like? there is a soccer player's brain for $100k, a lawyer's brain for $75k, and a doctors brain for $50k."

the patient replied, "why is the soccer player's brain so expensive?"

the doctor said, *"b...

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Fuckin brain...2am. Had to pee. Get up, pee, lay back down.....

Brain: Are we awake?
Me: No.
Brain: You sure?
Me: Yes.
Brain: Yes we are awake?
Me: No no no no no. Must go back to sleep!
Brain: I'm feeling kinda awake right now.
Me: Fuck you.
Brain: No no. Fuck you, I'm calling the colon.

Human brain

Human brain is amazing it functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive

"Humans only use 10% of their brain."

Or at least the ones that still quote this.

What goes through a potato's brain?

Tater thoughts.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get...

COVID-19 causes brain fog

Because the neurons are social distancing.

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed

and the other is our child's.

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

my brain is like an overclocked cpu

it runs 2000 fps for a couple seconds then melts

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

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I wish I had a Google brain...

Instead of a Microsoft penis.

After the car crash that left me brain-damaged, things were really looking down

I used to be a carcinologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.

My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster tha...

How do you brain wash a politician?

Give him an enema.

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the ...

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On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

I can make you see your brain!

That's just how eye-roll.

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