What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and can kill you if it falls out a tree?

A pool table

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?

​

An elephant with diarrhea

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

**your mom**

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs

Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call them, they’re still not going to come

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

He says to the bartender, "ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?" The bartender says "sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The man says "No idea mate, but its driving me nuts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

What bleeds and has two legs?

Half a dog

Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

The son "Dad, what's between Mama's legs?"

The dad replied, "The doors to heaven."

The son asked, "What's between your legs?"

The dad says, "The keys to that door"

The son says, "Well you better change the lock cause the neighbor's got the spare."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a charity for women with no legs.

The place was crawling with pussy

Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?

A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-

Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

To the man with no legs who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide but you can’t run!

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs sitting in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

What's the best thing about screwing someone with no arms and legs?

You can use them as a pillow when you have finished and they can't fight back.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a Mexican prostitute with no legs called?

Cuntswaylow

What do you call someone who has had their legs blown off?

Defeated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

My 5 year old's joke: What do you call a snake with no legs?

A snake.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A wonkey donkey.

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

Disabled.

What do you call a chicken with no legs and no wings?

A chicken nugget

Yesterday, i saw a frog without legs

that's hopless

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." 

"No," she says, "I just want to sleep." 

He keeps a...

What's got four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

​

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs

now he's just a handyman!!

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”


Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To stop being mistaken for feminists.

What's about 12 inches long and hangs between Putin's legs?

Trump's tie.

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

What has 50 legs and 42 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs is laying on the beach sobbing.

A man walks by and asks “why are you crying?”

Woman: Well... I’m crying because I have no arms or legs and I’ve never been hugged before..

Man: That’s terrible! I’ll give you a hug.

He gives her a hug an...

A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

​

He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The girl with no arms or legs at the beach

A guy was with his buddies on the beach, and went back to his cooler to get a beer. On the way he saw a girl with no arms or legs crying, when he asked why, she said “I’ve never been hugged”. The gentleman hugged her, then grabbed his beer and went back to his friends. When his beer ran out, he went...

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

What did the pirate say about the steering wheel between his legs?

It's drivin' me nuts.

Tonight at 11:59 lift your left leg

So you can enter the new year on the right foot

My friend asked me “What do you call a man with no legs?”

It’s been over two days and i’m totally stumped. Any help?

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

What does a guy with two left legs wear at the beach

Flip flips

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was walking along the beach and came a cross a women with no arms and legs, crying....

I asked her, what was wrong,
she replied, well, I’ve never been hugged by a man before....
So I have her a hug
She’s still crying, again I ask her what was wrong
She replied, I’ve never been kissed by a man before...
So I kissed her
And now she’s crying a little less but still...

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...