John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)

He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before."
So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll...

What walks on 8 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening?

The Weasley twins.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Whatever you want; it aint commin to ya.

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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What has 153 legs and stinks of piss?

A line dance at an old folks home.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Yo mama!!!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude.

An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

I have a dog with no legs.

I call him Cigarette because every evening when I get home from work I take him for a drag.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A night crawler

My cousin is in a hospital, unable to speak or stand on his legs.

Apparently newborns are like that.

What is brown, has four legs, green fur and if it falls from a tree, it kills you?

A pool table!

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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A. Lean beef.

Q. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A. Your mom.

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What do you name a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel?

Sparky

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs?

All of them dumbass

One pirate said to another, “Is that a steering wheel between your legs?”

The other pirate replied, “Aye, and it’s driving me nuts.”

What do you call a Canadian with 8 legs?

A Cunuktapus

My pet spider lost two of his legs

Now he’s an antputee

What’s the difference between a beer barrel and a dog with no back legs

One has beery walls
And the other has weery balls

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes...

When my grandpa was on his last legs, he said ' you selfish boy...'

and to honour his memory, I became a fishmonger.

originally from the one and only Milton jones

Why do cowgirls have bowed legs?

Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

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I got invited to a benefit for women with no legs...

I heard it’ll be crawling with pussy

What animal has two gray legs and two brown legs?



An elephant with diarrhea

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

What do you call a lizard with 5 legs?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,



Jk they get shot

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A little boy is in bath with his mother & asks "mummy why you have a split between your legs?"

His mother replies "That is where your Daddy hit me with the axe"

The boy then say "That's a pretty good shot mum he got you right in the cunt!"

(My husband tell me this one I laughed hard so share it)

What animal has five legs?

A pitbull returning from a playground.

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

where do you find a baby without legs??

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

in the same spot you left him last time.

Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.

He takes him out every night for a drag.

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

What has two legs and bleeds very strongly?

Half a cat.

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A girl with no arms or legs is sitting my a wharf

A man notices that she is crying and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies "I've never been hugged"
So the man gives her a hug.
She is still crying so the man asks "why are you still crying?"
She replies "I've never been kissed"
So the man kisses her.
She's still crying so the man...

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs

Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

What has eight legs and barks?

Two dogs.

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left him.



I got this from an Easter cracker. It was pretty dark for Easter which made me laugh even harder.

What do you call a guy with no arms & legs floating in the water?

Dead, definitely dead.

My steel worker dad got his legs cut off once...

Oh the Iron Knee

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

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The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

He says to the bartender, "ello mate, can I get a pint of bitter?" The bartender says "sure thing, but why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The man says "No idea mate, but its driving me nuts."

Why didn't Napoleon eat chicken legs?

He didn't like defeat.

To the man with no legs who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide but you can’t run!

Do flies shave their legs?

No, but bees wax.

Why can't you trust animals with six legs?

Because they are in sects

Did you know horses have six legs?

They have two legs at the back, and fore legs at the front

What has 18 arms, 11 legs and 34 hands?

A liar.

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I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

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