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Customs Jokes

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Customs Inspection

At an airport, the customs officer finds a dildo in a lady’s handbag and asks,
“Are you married?”.
“Yes”, replies the lady.
“Then why this?” asks the officer.
“Do you have a landline phone at home?” asks the lady.
“Yes” replies the officer.
“Then why do you carry a mobile?”

My first day working at border customs was hectic

we arrested a big group of German meat smugglers. It was a wurst case scenario.

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

anecdote

The Irishman, wanting to smuggle whiskey through customs, poured several bottles into a large jar.

\- What's in the jar?

\- Holy water.

The customs officer opened the jar and tasted the liquid.

\- What water?! It is whiskey!

\- Dear God, another miracle

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Definition of Politics

A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case.

He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, co...

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

A man returning from a trip to France was stopped by customs.

Official: "What is in this bottle? It seems you haven't declared it."

Man: "It's holy water from a famous church. What about it?"

Official: "You’re lying! It's cognac!"

Man: "It’s a miracle!"

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Mother

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Customs

A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-w...

A vulture is going through customs and the attendant asked if he has any baggage to check in.

The vulture says, “No, just my carrion.”

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review.

They feel I'm borderline incompetent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport

“Nationality?”
“Russian.”
“Occupation?”
“No, I’m just visiting”

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S ...

An photon was walking through customs, and gets stopped by a TSA officer

The woman says “where are your bags?”
The photon replies “I’m traveling light”

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.


It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

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