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Applicant Jokes

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up...

An interviewer asks an applicant for his greatest weakness and the applicant replied,

"I have an awkward sense of humor which causes me to laugh out of nowhere sometimes and some people take it to mean that I'm laughing at them or thinking something terrible"

The interviewer asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well," the applicant laughed as he said, "I've played this conversat...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

Job interview at NASA, in 2123.

Interviewer : Can you explain this ten year gap in your resume?

Applicant : Oh, that was when we went to Proxima Centauri, with my previous job.

Interviewer : Impressive! But why didn't you write it in?

Applicant : Oh you know, it was just a two-days trip...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s does a Harvard applicant and a Pornhub applicant have in common?

Prentending to be bi for diversity points

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?'
He answered, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway:
'Never got caught'

An applicant is being interviewed for an engineering position

Interviewer: Your resume says that you can solve math problems quickly.


Applicant: Yes


Interviewer: Okay, what is 35 x 8?


Applicant: 250!


Interviewer: That's way off.


Applicant: Well, it is, but as my resume said, I'm a quick solver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

An office manager is interviewing an applicant.

He asks the woman if she has any unusual talents. She says she’d actually won a few national crossword puzzle contests. “Sounds good,” the office manager replies, “but we want someone who will be just as intelligent during office hours.”



“Oh,” says the applicant. “That’s good because ...

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Fastest thing

During an interview, the interviewer posed a question to four applicants: "What do you consider the fastest thing?"

The first applicant promptly replied, "The blink of an eye!"

The second applicant chimed in, "I'd say it's a thought."

The third applicant confidently stated, "The...

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”

The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”

Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”

The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him.

He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"


The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i ...

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

Blonde: "In three months."

In his CV, a Job applicant mentioned country of origin as China

That's a red flag.

So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor.

He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"

What did the insurance company say to the applicant?

THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Applicants

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position.

They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same questio...

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A job interview

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word. Applicant: Hired. Interviewer’s assistant: Fuck, can he do that?

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

Job Application

I was going through a stack of job applications on my desk when one caught my attention. While the applicant’s employment history was stellar, and her education history was certainly above average, apparently she had a few personal problems. Under “Marital Status” she’d written, “Not good” and under...

Greatest Strength

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?

Applicant: Yes.

Interviewer: What?

Applicant: Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening.

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies...

A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies.

The CEO takes 19 cookies, then whispers to the American employee, "Watch out, I think that Mexican is going to try and take your cookie!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

A man goes into a lumberyard for a Job interview.

The manager was impessed with his application, and called him in for an interview. The manager decides to put a blindfold on the man to test his knowledge...

The manager places a length of pine on the table, lets the applicant touch and smell it. Correctly the applicant calls it pine.
...

CIA Entrance Test

3 finalists are in the running for an open CIA agent position. They're in a room awaiting their final evaluation to determine which one of them will get the job.

The first applicant is called into a separate room. There is a gun there and their spouse, seated on a chair. They are told to sho...

Interviewer: What are three words that describe you?

Applicant: Hardworking, intelligent and dishonest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has three applicants for one job ...

After exhaustive testing, interviewing and HR profiling they are still in a dead heat.

Finally she decides to go with what Easter means to each one. Just a random question that may give her insight to offer one of them the job.

The first applicant, scratches his head and says "that's...

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Four equally qualified applicants interview for a job position...

...and the interviewer says to them all, "I'm glad you have all made it this far, and honestly I didn't expect all four of you to impress me as much as each of you did. However, you can't all get the job. This final interview will decide who gets the job. I will ask you all the same question, and wh...

A church advertises a job for a bell ringer

Several people apply and the minister decides to have auditions to see who rings the bell the best. The last applicant comes in and the minister immediately notices that he has no arms.

"Tell me, son, how do you intend to ring the bell with your disability?"

"It's no problem," the app...

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

Your first job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer sai...

The circus was in town and was taking applications from the local townspeople for wildly unique acts.

The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.

“Ok”, said the interviewer, “what’s your special talent?”

“I do bird imitations!”, replied Jack.

The interviewer sighed and shook his head. ...

Job interview

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Applicant: I only answer the semantics of a question.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Applicant: Yes, I could.

A man comes into the Airport Employment Office.

He looks like a real hick, in overalls, muddy boots, and a ragged straw hat. "Ah'z looking fer a jobe," he announces.
"And what is it you do, good sir?" asks the man at the desk.
"Ah'z uh pahlut."
Surprised, the man says "Really? Well, we can always use another pilot around the airpor...

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the ot...

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

Church Bell Ringer

A man died after a long career as the local church bell ringer. The priest, looking for a replacement put out word far and wide but received only one applicant, a man with no arms. Initially the priest was hesitant but the man assured him he could do it. He ran up into the belfry, put his head int...

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Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

3 people applying for a job at the CIA to be a spy

They were each handed an envelope which says DO NOT OPEN. And were given an instruction to go to the elevator and proceed to the 7th floor

The first and second applicant followed the instruction.

The 3rd applicant headed to the elevator, and when the elevator door closes, his curiosit...

Interviewer: "Under skills, you listed "great dad" ."

Job applicant: "The best !"

Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."

Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a job interview

Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness?

Applicant: Well sir, I am brutally honest.

Interviewer: I don't think that is a weakness.

Applicant: I don't give a fuck what you think!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

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