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Peas Jokes

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

"What's wrong with your peas?" a man asked his son.

"They're too hard," was the reply.

"Let me take some from your plate and try them," said the father. "They don't seem that hard at all to me."

The boy replied, "That's because those are the ones I've been chewing the last 10 minutes."

peaches vs peas

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked h...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?

Peas and quiet.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

What’s the difference between blue whales and green peas?

A leprechaun doesn’t get offended if you ask him if his whale’s blue.

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What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

It all went to shit when Fergie left.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

Polar bear hunting

A man is having trouble with a polar bear roaming around his remote cabin, so he calls up a famous polar bear behavior expert to ask about the best way of trapping or killing it.

“First, you have to wait for winter. You have a river or pond near your property?”

“I do,” the man acknowle...

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Why peas and pussy hair are kinda the same?

Because no matter how you try to put them aside, you always end up getting some on your mouth



(Sounds funnier on Spanish)

I like fried chick peas....

But I dont think it agrees with me. Everytime I eat them I Falafel.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

What do you have if you have two little green peas in your hand?

Kermits undivided attention

An orange, a pea, and a lemon are barhopping

They visit bar after bar, getting as many drinks as they can before they're cut off, and getting further away from home.

Orange notices a large hill, and suggests rolling down it to get back home. The pea and the lemon think this is a great idea, and they all climb up the hill.

Now a...

What did the Black Eyed Peas say when they were at their friends house?

Ima pee ima pee ima ima ima pee

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

I've got my peas and my wife's got

herpes

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

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What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We cum in peas.”

What are peas attracted to?

Chickpeas

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?

Posthummusly

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

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How to catch a brown bear

First you need to dig a hole. But it's gotta be a big ass hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in there. Next you need to start a fire inside of the hole. After the fire dies completely out take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole. After that take a c...

How do you catch a polar bear using a can of peas?

First you cut a hole in the ice.

Then you place the peas all around the hole and hide.

And when the polar bear walks up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who's sexually attracted to chic peas and tahini?

A hummus-sexual

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