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Operating Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery...

...and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your moth...

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...

What’s is a Frenchman’s favorite operating system?

Microissant

Sylvia was wheeled into the operating room.



The surgeon told the nurse, "Please prepare the instruments."

Sylvia glared at him and said, "Here I am at death's door and you want to play music?!?"

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery?

Candidate: does your mom count?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

An inconsolable wife is rushed into the operating room...

Surgeon: "Ma'am! I think we may be able to save your husbands arm.

Wife: "Really?! Oh my god yes!!!"

Surgeon: "Right. Where would you like it sent?"

What Operating System does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

ThanOS

What do you call a Hammerhead Shark who's operating a Drill Rig?

A Flathead Screw driver.

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

I used to be good at operating a boomerang.

It was difficult to re-learn a childhood hobby...

*but then it came back*

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

A patient is lying on the operating table

"Relax John. It'd be fine."

"Doctor... My name is not John."

"But my name is."

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

What is Iron Man's least favorite operating system?

ThanOS

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

My operating system just deleted half my files.

I knew I should’ve never installed ThanOS.

Life is like operating a crane.

Early on, you figure out how to make it up to the controls... Only to realize you have no clue what to do once you get there.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

What do you call two surgeons operating on each other?

A paradox

Two men are in the operating room

Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery.



One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?"



The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out"





The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was...

What operating system do they use in Germany?

Mac os Nein

I'm using an operating system to wipe out half of the population in this universe...

It's called ThanOS

Dogs operating XRays cannot detect brain tumours.

But CAT scan!

I got offered a job operating a lathe

It's one I must turn down.

Why did the CPU kill the operating system?

It was executing instructions.

What's the new Russian self-operating OS?

Skyniet

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex

I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property

The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away with it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

I've been operating the same tunnel-digging machine for years...

...it was boring when I started, and it's still boring now.

I was in an operating theatre today...

...and a surgeon asked for a stool to sit on to perform the surgery. I got one, and pushed it towards him saying "stool behind you".

He replied "I'm so sorry, I thought it was only a fart".

Did you hear about the new operating system for people with herpes?

It's all open sores.

What is it with Germans and old operating systems

I keep hearing them say "DOS is good"

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival

My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal

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