The 77+ Best Expand Jokes

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

A man who made tie-dyed shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his business.

While filling out the documents, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.

Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man “Dad Bod”…

It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.

Why is Putin trying to expand the war into Transnistria?

He's trying to corner the market after he heard about the global transnistor shortage.

A pothead was looking to expand his horizons and bought himself some mushrooms. He asked his friends if he should roll it up or put it into a pipe.

Neither, his friends said, it's a Non-Tokeable Fungus.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future...

60 seconds seems pretty minute.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

Do you know why Wholefoods isn't expanding to Germany?

Gluten tag!

(This is my first joke)

My girlfriend wanted me to expand my horizons by tasting weird looking vegetables

I said OK, but I draw the line at Stephen Hawking

A dyslexic pimp wanted to make an investment to expand his venture

He ended up buying a warehouse.

Did you hear In-N-Out is expanding up north?

They're going to call it In-N-Oot

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

What's hot dense but ever expanding?

The Kardashians

My circle of friends is finally expanding

I haven't gained any, we are just standing further apart.

Faucet manufacturer Pfister is expanding their business with a line of high tech toilets

The p is silent.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

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Why is the universe expanding?

Because it's trying to get the fuck away from Earth.

(Original, hope ya like it!)

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"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?''

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 time...

Libraries have really expanded in terms of what they can help with - I just saw a man bring his laptop to the help desk asking how he can check the weather

The librarian had to show him how to use windows

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

What is 4 inches long and expands when there's a women in a running shower?

A sponge

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The younger son of a Danish farmer,

Couldn't inherit his parents farm, because his older brother got the farm.

So he moved to Texas to start his own farm there.

After working on the farm and expanding it for fifty years, he finally finds the time to visit his family back in Denmark.

And he can't stop bragging a...

A New Pho Restaurant Opened up its second location

The proprietor, Mr. Ngo, was very excited for the opening of his new restaurant. It had been a dream of his for many years to expand his business. He wasn't very original and named his original restaurant "Ngo Pho."

However, business was great and he was soon able to open a second location o...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

Banta the Furniture dealer

Banta, a furniture dealer from Ludhiana, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Chennai to see what he could find.

After arriving in Chennai he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Lud...

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.

The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

Got in trouble with wife last night....

I told her that if she was a celestial body, she would be a supernova.
She said "Because I am so hot?"
I shouldn't have replied "no, because you are expanding at an alarming rate."

A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles...

...over the appropriate response for a neighboring country expanding it's borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military traini...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

On metaphysics

When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months’ time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five ...

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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A love story

A Love Story

Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

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There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

Do you want to see my skeleton collection?

I currently only have 1, and I'm not looking to expand.

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

Medical College Professor to a girl student...

"Which human body part expands 5 times its normal size...?"

Girl Student : "Sir I can't answer this question, it's too embarrassing..”

Professor asked the same question to a male student.

Male Student : "It's the Pupil of a human eye...”

Professor : "Correct."

Then...

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.

This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

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Life Without E-Mail

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address...

A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)

The father chopped wood

The son chopped wood

The father built the family home

The son helped expand it

The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family

The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs

The father and son did ...

Three nuns die and go to heaven

When they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter says to them that heaven is too full at the moment and needs expanding. While they wait to get in, for all their good work St. Peter let’s them spend one day on earth as a person of their own choice.

The first nun picks mother Theresa because of th...

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Custer's Last Thought

There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all.

One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore.

He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a p...

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

Did you hear about the man who wanted to explore a new family phone plan?

He was expanding his Verizon’s.

How many "a man walks into a bar" jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but you can be sure a whole Reddit community will appear to expand the joke, make it funnier and eventually run it into the ground.

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

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I asked myself how to handle life?

My room gave me all the answers:

Roof said: aim high

Fan said: be cool

Clock said: value time

Calendar said: be up to date

Wallet said: save now for the future

Mirror said: always observe yourself

Wall said: share others' load

Window sa...

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Joe is a fairly respected member of the community

He has always follow the rules and did the right thing. Wanting to expand his horizons he decided to experience a little bit of the seedier aspects of life. He had settled on finding himself a prostitute. As he was walking down a dimmly lit street, a hushed voiced whispered to him, "twenty bucks a...

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I phoned the police. I said, "Somebody stole my Viagra!"

The guy said, "Can you expand on that?"

I said, "Yes. That's its exact purpose."

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

Two sisters get $1000 inheritance

They own a ranch with about 100 cows but no bull. They decide to use their inheritance to get a bull so they can expand their ranch. The first sister drives a few towns over to buy the best prize bull in the state but it costs $999. She buys it anyway, knowing that she will only have one dollar left...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

What is a pirate's favorite letter

A letter of marque and reprisal, which granted treatment as a prisoner of war if captured, provided the former pirate turn over a proportion of his prizes to the issuing government. Used as a convenient way for otherwise underprepared belligerent nations to expand their navies in times of war, lette...

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A man finds a magic lamp.

He then rubs it and a genie appears.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me mortal. I'll grant three of your wishes.
Man: My first wish is I want a million more wishes to be granted.
Genie: That's not how it works. I can only grant you three wishes.
Man: Fine. Just to be sure, you'll gr...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

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