How do you sink a submarine full of blondes

You knock on the door.

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.

“Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.

"Err, this isn't the right sub."

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said...

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?

They're both at the bottom of the sea full of semen

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

A new recruit was on his first day on a submarine

He speaks with an officer, who assigns him a job and says "if you dont like your job, come talk to me, and i will give you a new one.

"Why is that?" Asks the recruit.

To which to officer responds "this sub has guaranteed reposts."

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.

BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO’s company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on b...

What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

A few men are sitting in a submarine and decide to get high.

There they sit in the submarine, quiet and contemplative - a bunch of subdudes.

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

How did the whale get pregnant off the submarine?

Snapped it in half and sucked up all the sea-men

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach...

Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach.

Putin says "Russian submarines are so technically advanced, they can stay a whole year under water without the need to return to the surface."

Trump laughs and returns "Well that's cute, but 'murican submarines are far better and can s...

Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: “A bus driver drove into a nun” and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, “how is that even funny?”

The other sailor says “it’s not, but on this sub it is”

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to...

What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?

A not see you boat.

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing....

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

There was once a military submarine called the Word Sub.

When the submarine was built, they couldn't come up with a name for it. Eventually, the crew was instructed to call the submarine "any word they want". The believed it would be funny to name the sub something mundane, so they began to refer to it simply as the "Word Sub".

As the Word Sub was ...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

That sunken Nazi submarine they just found is a lot like my girlfriend

Dead and full of seamen

How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

You knock on the door.

How do you sink the same sub again?
You knock on the door and they'll come out saying "Haha! We're not falling for that one again!".

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.

Edit:Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

What's long, hard, and filled with seamen?

A submarine

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

Donald Trump in a submarine

Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"

Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."

Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down?

Shame they went under

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine?

Because he found it to be SUB-standard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy starts working in a submarine...

He will be working underwater for 6 months. The captain takes him to visit the ship. He shows him the meeting rooms, the kitchen, the bedrooms, and everything else.. untill a locked door.
The captain explains to his new worker that there are only men in this submarine and he will be there for 6 m...

USA, Russia and China gather together at a weapons convent

The spokesman of the USA says: „Our submarines are great! They can get along 4 months without refueling!“

Russia counters: „Our submarines can even swim 6 months without refueling!“

China smiles and says: „what, only 6? Ours can go 8 months without refueling!“

Suddenly, a submar...

If someone tells you he has a centrifuge on a submarine, don't believe him!

It's a subterfuge...

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory.

I don’t know if we’ll get jobs, but we’ll see what surfaces.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...