I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his submarine sandwich?

There goes my hero.

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.

"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.

"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.

"Why?" said...

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

Apple is developing a submarine.

“Sink different”

A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.

"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend

"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second

The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate...

What do an Iranian Submarine and an Iranian Camel have in common?

They're both full of Iranian seamen.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes

You knock on the door.

I was fired from my job as a submarine helmsman today.

As to why? I just can't fathom.

A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs. After another 15 minutes, they all switch again. Happens a third time 15 minutes later. This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks his commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”

“No,” r...

A captain in the navy is assigned a new post on a submarine.

As he explores his new vessel, he notices that almost everything is falling apart with varying degrees of rust.



He decides to check the hull, and sees plates of metal with varying dates, some of which seem to come from before world war 2.



He decides to ask someone in hi...

Why did Soviet-era submarines perform so poorly?

They suffered from deep Russian.

What’s long and hard and full of seamen ?

A submarine

Have you heard about the submarine market?

It's taking a dive.

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

I bought a submarine that I really couldn't afford.

Now my mortgage is under water.

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

There was a competition of submarines.

Three people joined, two of them were from the competition held the previous year. The two presented the same sub no difference but it was the same thing the judge had seen every single year.

The judge then left the two and went to the new competitor when he saw his it was the ugliest thing h...

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

Whats the difference between Putin and a Submarine?

The submarine only went down on 14 Russian men.

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub-woofer!

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What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?

They're both at the bottom of the sea full of semen

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

The other day, I was on a submarine tour.

I was going to tell a dark joke, but my friend stopped me.

“Why shouldn't I tell my joke?" I asked.

"Err, this isn't the right sub."

A submarine-golf game would be...

sub-par

Why couldn't the submarine captain keep piloting the sub?

The pressure was killing him.

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

One day, a man doing janitorial duties on a submarine asked for a change of scenery

“I just clean the hallways,” he’d say. “Everyday. It gets boring fast, please?”

His manager stared him down, but he saw that the man wouldn’t give up.

“Alright,” the manager sighed. “I suppose I could see about you changing your post.”

The man was overwhelmed with excitement and...

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Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.

BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO’s company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on b...

It's a shame The Beatles didn't make the submarine in that song green.

That would've been sublime.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

A few men are sitting in a submarine and decide to get high.

There they sit in the submarine, quiet and contemplative - a bunch of subdudes.

What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

Do you know what Elon Musk could've called his submarines if they were built in time to save those children?

Thai Pods.

A new recruit was on his first day on a submarine

He speaks with an officer, who assigns him a job and says "if you dont like your job, come talk to me, and i will give you a new one.

"Why is that?" Asks the recruit.

To which to officer responds "this sub has guaranteed reposts."

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Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

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Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONT...

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and ever...

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

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Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach...

Putin, Merkel and Trump are walking down a beach.

Putin says "Russian submarines are so technically advanced, they can stay a whole year under water without the need to return to the surface."

Trump laughs and returns "Well that's cute, but 'murican submarines are far better and can s...

Do you know how to sink a Russian submarine?

The Russians are perfectly capable of sinking their submarines themselves

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

TIL that during WWII 3 U.S. submarines sank due to friendly fire.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

One of my dad's favorites about flying

"You know there are more planes at the bottom of the ocean than submarines in the sky. They have never left one up there."

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A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to...

What do you call a German stealth WW2 submarine?

A not see you boat.

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Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

Why did they put Patrick Henry in a submarine?

Because he said "Give me liberty or give me depth".

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

There was once a military submarine called the Word Sub.

When the submarine was built, they couldn't come up with a name for it. Eventually, the crew was instructed to call the submarine "any word they want". The believed it would be funny to name the sub something mundane, so they began to refer to it simply as the "Word Sub".

As the Word Sub was ...

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing....

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

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A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

(In Sweden we have a running tradition of telling jokes about stupid norwegians. They do the same about swedes)

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That sunken Nazi submarine they just found is a lot like my girlfriend

Dead and full of seamen

Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

How can north korea tell if it made a ship or a submarine?

By how fast it sinks.

A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology

The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.

The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days

Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

This sub isn't as good as it used to be

Said the captain as he decommissioned the old submarine.

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post t...

TIL That there was a German warship during WW2 that accidentally sunk 34 friendly submarines.

Edit:Whoops, wrong sub.

A Russian submarine

A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the m...

Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down?

Shame they went under

How do you sink a norwegian submarine?

You knock on the door.

How do you sink the same sub again?
You knock on the door and they'll come out saying "Haha! We're not falling for that one again!".

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One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell......

.....As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil

Satan: Why so glum?

Biker : Why do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Biker : Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well,...

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A guy starts working in a submarine...

He will be working underwater for 6 months. The captain takes him to visit the ship. He shows him the meeting rooms, the kitchen, the bedrooms, and everything else.. untill a locked door.
The captain explains to his new worker that there are only men in this submarine and he will be there for 6 m...

[NSFW] What’s big, black, and full of seamen?

A submarine

(Works better in person)

My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory.

I don’t know if we’ll get jobs, but we’ll see what surfaces.

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USS Placentia

His ship's compliment stood at attention on the dock. The boat, a Virginia class submarine in the United States Navy floated behind him, the sail, blocking out the sun as rose in the east. Captain Johnson stepped onto the dais and walked up to the microphone to addressed his crew.

"Men, I'm...

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