If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.

Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.

"Well, i...

My girlfriend messaged me that she knew I was cheating. I went to the apartment. The locks were changed, my clothes burnt on the lawn. She yelled from the window "I hate you, never come back."

So I went home to my wife.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sewers have locks on them?

So people won't steal your shit.

My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly

He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock.

The locksmith asks *"If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?"*

Confused, he replies *"How would anyone get in when I have the door?"*

My wife told me if I went on the lads holiday to Vegas leaving her and the kids behind I’ll come home to find the locks changed

Good. My key has been sticking for months, it’s about time she did some DIY.

I was caught breaking into a cheese factory with a lock pick and a large stone.

The guard that caught me said "I get the lock pick but what's the Roquefort?"

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

What do you call a Latino who can pick locks?

El Solve-a-Door

My wife said wasting what little money we have on a lock picking set was not a good investment.

But it’s actually opened a lot of doors for me.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

A cemetery caretaker forgot to lock the gates before ending his night shift.

It was a grave mistake.

You ever lock your keys in your car at a Planned Parenthood?

Kinda awkward asking them for a coat hanger to unlock your car

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien

I come in peace.

Why did the edgy teenager lock himself in the freezer ?

He thought it was cool.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

What’s the difference between caps lock and prison?

Nothing they both transform your o in O

Why did the biologist lock himself in jail with an engineer, a physicist and a medical doctor?

Because he wanted to work with STEM Cells

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

Best lock in the world.

Wedlock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Master Key Vs A Broken Lock

A girl once asked, “Why can guys sleep with thousands of women, they are a legend, but when a girl sleeps with 3 guys she is a whore?” I said, “When a key can open any lock, it’s called a master key. When a lock is opened by any key, it’s called a broken lock.”

Why couldn't the Italian guy open the lock?

Gnocchi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one...

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

Got a password lock

that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

Did you hear they lock the cemetery gates on Halloween?

People are dying to get in there...

I've just written a song about replacing my front door lock

It's got a great key change at the end

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

Why did Donald Trump lock down the White House when the Easter Bunny was escaping?

because his hare is almost gone.

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Did you hear about the guy who tried to lock himself in a shed for 1 hour?

In the end, he couldn't contain himself.

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?”

The father reply, “The door to heaven!”



“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!”

Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neigh...

Watson and Holmes are returning from the lock-and-key shop where they've ordered an extra apartment key because Watson lost his.

As they arrive, Watson bounds up the steps to 221B Baker Street and barges into their apartment as Sherlock Holmes follows him.

"I'll show you my deductions today Holmes!", he says. "I can deduce too!"

Sherlock Holmes shows him the only key to the apartment and says, "What can you ded...

Hey @realDonaldTrump, try pressing the caps lock key...

@realDonaldTrump: O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!

If you want to understand who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them both on the balcony

After three hours unlock them and see who's happier to see you

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.

A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

A reddit mod walks into a bar...

She promptly kicks everyone out, locks the doors and, declaring herself to be the bartender, proceeds to get drunk with power.

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling...

Two Swedes and two Norwegians are traveling by train from Stockholm to Oslo. The Swedes only buys one ticket, but the Norwegians buys two. On the train, the Swedes locks themselves in the toilet. When the conductor goes by, he knocks on the door, asking for the ticket. They slip the ticket under the...

that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in...

and your pants are up.

I bought a new lock for my bedroom door

Wound up getting half off when it didn't work.

I bought a dog off a locksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lock and Key

After a night out, a man was taking his date back to his apartment. Before they got to the door the woman said, "Before you open the door, I can tell how the sex will be by the way you put the key in the lock. If you miss the lock a couple of times and seem nervous I know you'll be bad. But at the s...

What do a zip lock bag and a walrus have on common?

They both like a tight seal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't tents have locks.

Because black people don't go camping.

Two blondes on the parking

Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while.

Finally one gets ...

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

How do you unlock a door made of dough

With a cookey

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

The Parrot

Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.

She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pas...

When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night...

One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand.

"Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back.

"I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing somethi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

crappy pun

me: you know how sometimes caps lock locks you out of a website ,because you forgot to turn it off when typing the password
human society: ye...

Why does Yasuo never get locked out?

Because he always "hasaki!"

Two Politicians Lock Themselves Out of their Car...

Two Washington politicians had locked themselves out of their car, and unfortunately some important papers they needed for a meeting were inside. "Let's use a coat hanger to pull up the lock," suggested the first.

"Oh, no," argued the second. "Someone might see us and think we w...

The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to conf...

The Casket

One day i was walking home from work when all of a sudden i hear 'bang bang bang' behind me. I turned around to see what is making the noise an i see nothing. I carry on walking but after a while i hear the same noise but even louder. It sounds like someone hitting a wooden fence on the ground. I tu...

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I drive an old car with shitty locks

and I locked my keys in it outside a mall. I've done this before, and know exactly what to do, so I went to the nearest store and asked if they had a coat hanger I could borrow. They don't find that amusing in Planned Parenthood centers.

What kind of cell phone doesn't have a lock?

A Nokia

I just gave up reading a bad book on lock picking

couldn't get into it at all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man really wanted to learn the art of future-telling...

He is told to visit Old Man Baboo on top of the hill to learn this skill.

He proceeds to climb the hill and gets to Old Man Baboo's house.

"So you want to learn how to tell the future, huh?"

"Yes, teach me please"

"Ok, first come in and follow me"

"Ok, Old Man Babb...

A blonde woman locks her keys inside her car...

And so she calls a locksmith to open it. When the locksmith (who is also blonde) gets there she pulls out her Slim Jim tool to open the door when she notices a problem, the driver side window to the car is wide open.

The locksmith looks to the driver and says, "Ma'am I can't use this tool on...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catch me if you can

John is pretty overweight and struggles to loose weight. He finds an add that guarantees weight loss up to 50 pounds in 3 sessions. Sceptical at first he makes an appointment.
On his first appointment he is greeted and shown to a room where the treatment will proceed. He enters the room but immed...

The challenges.

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. As he takes a seat, he notices a weird jar behind the bar counter labelled "The Challenges", that's full of cash. Intrigued by it, he asks the bartender what the jar is about.

"Oh, like the jar says, it's for The Challenges. You pay $10 to take them on....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An owl flew into a Kebab place and started dancing.

The customers were amazed and started taking videos.

Every day, it returned, and soon the owl became a tourist attraction.

Visitors from different continents came to see the owl, while the Kebab place prospered.

One day, the owner, a man named John Spon, decided to lock up the o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?

Pop, Lock & Drop It

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date."
His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you.
First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. N...