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Lock Jokes

Here's a joke for the lock pickers

A key that opens any lock is a master key but a lock that opens with any key is a masterlock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is the key

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

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What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”.

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A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

are they afraid someone will clean them?

One of the most underrated events of the past must be the invention of the lock.

It was a ….key turning point of history.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

I went to a store that sells door locks for little people.

Low key, it was pretty nice.

Sometimes when work is hectic and my family is demanding, I lock myself in the bathroom and act like an alien

I come in peace.

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

Two blondes are locked out of their car...

The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

Locked out of the house.

I stepped out to feed the cat at 5am while everyone was still fast asleep. The door shut and locked me outside. I tried calling the wife multiple times with no answer. I tried taping on her window, banging on her window, tapping on my sons window, banging on his window, and lastly the doorbell. This...

I just learned how to lock pick

Its opened so many doors for me

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

If you want to know who really loves you, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car…

Let them out three hours later and see whose happy to see you.

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

Guy who hasn't seen his Girlfriend since lock-down, phoned her.

Guy: Hi babe hows the diet going.?

Her: Not good, I had eggs for breakfast.

Guy: Scrambled.?

Her: No, Cadbury's.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy i...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Why are Italians always locked out of their houses when they get home?

Gnocchi

Chewbacca locked the keys in the Millennium Falcon.......

It was a Wookie mistake!

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

With the boredom of lock-down.

My Wife and I have pinned a map up in the kitchen.

We have one dart each, wherever the dart lands

on the map is our destination for our vacation next

year, turns out, we are going to behind the fridge..

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.

Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.

"Well, i...

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A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key?

A shitty lock.

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

During lock-down I have mastered jigsaw puzzles.

I have just completed my first one in just over 10 and a half weeks.

I feel so proud of myself, on the box it says 5 to 6 years.

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

One of Sean Lock's, in memoriam-

How do you stop a dog humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck him off instead.

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

I am getting really bored with this lock-down.

My Wife suggested that I make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I put her in fifth place.

This lock-down has brought my family together.

I have just found out, my mother in law died last January.

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

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Need to save a bit of money during the lock-down.

I am getting rid of Google, Siri and Alexa, and I am going to sell all of my Wikipedia and Guinness World record books. I don't need them anymore.



My fucking wife knows everything.

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

Today I won a car by picking a lock.

It also came with a dog and a baby inside

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

Got a password lock

that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.

I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

Learning to pick locks

really opened a lot of doors for me

Dating is much easier since the lock down started.

Zero effort.

I used to be a man locked in a woman's body...

but then I got born.

I was really mad when they locked me in a room with nothing but the remnants of a dead chicken, but I got out.

Good thing I had a bone to pick.

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Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to...

IF I SCAM SOMEONE WITH CAPS LOCK ON..

IS IT A CAPITAL CRIME?

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

Who do Canadians call when they get locked out of their car?

Triple Eh!

The COVID-19 lock down has gone on for FAR too long...

It has lasted for one Tool song.

I only go after women who are locked-up in Mental Institutions.

I’m looking for a “committed” relationship.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

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Why do sewers have locks on them?

So people won't steal your shit.

I hate being locked inside a microwave

It really makes my blood boil

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?

She was in there so long she peed her pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally locked myself out of my bathroom.

I'm pissed.

The just erected a statue of the first insane man to be locked up at Ashworth secure hospital.

It's a Monumental.

Why did the chicken lock itself in the freezer?

to get to the other side.

Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.

One night, they decided they didn’t like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there’s a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn’t going to do that, because he’s afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: “hey, I’ve got this flashlight with...

If you lock a US Marine in a room with an anvil ....

... He will either break it, lose it, or get it pregnant.

Perks of being single and in locked down

You don't have to share your coronavirus.

3 blonde women walk out of a building.

When they reach their car they realize that they forgot the keys in the car.

The first one said:"I'll go see if anyone has a metal coat hanger to pick the lock".

The second one objected: "If you do that people will think we are stealing the car".

The third one exclaimed:"Hurry u...

Why couldn't the Italian guy open the lock?

Gnocchi

Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing?

Insider trading.

I locked myself out my house

Does anyone know if locksmiths are key workers?

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age.

The next day she locked me in the cellar.

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Grammar Nazis should be locked up!

There textual predators!

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil...

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The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:

Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

What do Caps Lock and prison have in common?

A minor touch and you get capital punishment.

What do you call a vault with a lock and bodyguards protecting it?

Safe.

Due to the viral outbreak, a high school prom goes into mandatory lock-down.

QuaranTeen-Pregnancy rates skyrocket.

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