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Jockey Jokes

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

My brother is so dumb.

He was complaining about jockeys squeezing his balls. I told him to try boxers. He came back and said, no their hands are too rough.

I met a Jockey who told me they're dating a Carpenter

I'd not have thought they'd have much in common but apparently the relationship is really stable

I told my dad I wanted to be a jockey when I grew up

He said I had to pick one

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You ever hear about the jockey who’s partner doesn’t do oral sex?

You could say he was the headless horseman

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Hotshot

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
...

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

What did the horse say to the small jockey?

How you getting on?

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but prom...

A bee decided to become a disc jockey. They called it a BJ.

It really sucks though.

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What do you call a jockey with a sore throat?

The hoarse whisperer

If horse jockeys have to be tiny

just imagine how small disk jockeys have to be.


I'll see myself out.

If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends

Why do the horses hate the jockey?

Because he's a horse racist.

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Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies?

They like their fur long!

I'll show myself out...

what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?

DJ Vu

Three Irish friends are in their local pub

One of them sighs and says, "lads, I think my wife is cheating on me with an electrician". The other two friends are shocked to hear this. "Why? What makes you think that?", asks one of them. "Well", the first man replies, "I found a pair of wire cutters under the bed, and they're not mine".

...

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

Any jokes you know the punch line to but not the set-up? I'll start. From the 1959 film Some Like it Hot:

"So the one-legged jockey says, 'don't mind me baby, I ride side-saddle!'"

I laugh every time even though I don't know the set-up. Anybody know the set-up, or any similar jokes?

I just watched a horse race where the rider was celebrating before he crossed the line.

That's what you call premature jockey elation.

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receiv...

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet...

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It...

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

A racehorse once smoked some weed just before the race was about to start.

Once it started, the jockey couldn't control it as it veered off track. So the crowd started calling him arrogant as he couldn't get off his high horse..

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

Three dumb guys are in a bar talking about their cheating wives...

First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me."

Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician...

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey ...

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A boy and a pile of sh**

A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman were walking down the street. They notice a little boy playing in some horse shit. So the Scotsman went up to the little boy and asked, "What are you doing there lad." The boy looked up and said, "I am making me a Scottish warrior." The Scotsman gets all mad and s...

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Three guys are drinking at a bar..

And the first one, after a few drinks, says to the others.
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber"
"Why do you think that?" the other two ask
"because when i got home last week, i found plumber's tools under the bed"
the other two console him, buy a round of drinks...

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

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