A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

What did the horse say to the small jockey?

How you getting on?

Thanksgiving

An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman. Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving mornin...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

A bee decided to become a disc jockey. They called it a BJ.

It really sucks though.

If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends

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What do you call a jockey with a sore throat?

The hoarse whisperer

I told my dad I wanted to be a jockey when I grew up

He said I had to pick one

Why do the horses hate the jockey?

Because he's a horse racist.

A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but prom...

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

If horse jockeys have to be tiny

just imagine how small disk jockeys have to be.


I'll see myself out.

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Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies?

They like their fur long!

I'll show myself out...

what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?

DJ Vu

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.

Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."


His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the p...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

My brother is so dumb.

He was complaining about jockeys squeezing his balls. I told him to try boxers. He came back and said, no their hands are too rough.

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

I just watched a horse race where the rider was celebrating before he crossed the line.

That's what you call premature jockey elation.

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time...

"don't worry.. " He said in a soothing calm voice "I'll be gentle". It was my first time and I was so nervous. Fear rode me like a well versed Jockey. But people do it all the time right? It can't be that bad....
and that comfort and satisfaction at the end should be well worth any pain I receiv...

Three dumb guys are in a bar talking about their cheating wives...

First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me."

Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician...

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It...

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey ...

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Three guys are drinking at a bar..

And the first one, after a few drinks, says to the others.
"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber"
"Why do you think that?" the other two ask
"because when i got home last week, i found plumber's tools under the bed"
the other two console him, buy a round of drinks...

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

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A boy and a pile of sh**

A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman were walking down the street. They notice a little boy playing in some horse shit. So the Scotsman went up to the little boy and asked, "What are you doing there lad." The boy looked up and said, "I am making me a Scottish warrior." The Scotsman gets all mad and s...

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

A racehorse once smoked some weed just before the race was about to start.

Once it started, the jockey couldn't control it as it veered off track. So the crowd started calling him arrogant as he couldn't get off his high horse..

I went to the races yesterday.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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