Handle Jokes - 89 Hilarious Handle Jokes

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

How does one handle a container of delicate cheeses?

Very Caerphilly

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

On which side a mug has its handle?

Outside.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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Why do all the doors in 10 Downing Street have handles?

That place already has enough knobs.

Can you handle kryptonite?

Because I know Clark Ken't

How do you handle a redhead's temper?

Gingerly.

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

If you can’t handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

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Someone stole the handle off my faucet!

Water knob!

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well

I think they nailed it.

EDD doubled their workforce to handle rising jobless claims

Now they can hang up on you in half the time.

I have an axe owned by George Washington.

My great, great, great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my great grandfather had to replace the blade.

But it is a treasured heirloom.

I'm so sick of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me home

How did Ivanka handle her father’s reaction when she suggested they concede?

She shouted: “No Daddy! Stop! I said *concede* not *conceive*”

We could have handled this year better

But hindsight is 2020

Love Handles

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since yo...

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

What do you call an Asian who can't handle spice?

Caucasian

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.

Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

What do you call a paperclip that can't handle the paper?

A little unstaple.

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

"Prince Andrew, did you manage to handle that interview well?"

"Yeah, no sweat"

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

I don't think I could handle a 5k

If I could just sit on the couch all day that would be 0k.

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

If you can't handle losing....

... 'Russian Roulette' is an excellent choice of game.

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I asked myself how to handle life?

My room gave me all the answers:

Roof said: aim high

Fan said: be cool

Clock said: value time

Calendar said: be up to date

Wallet said: save now for the future

Mirror said: always observe yourself

Wall said: share others' load

Window sa...

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If you can't handle me at my worst....

I don't blame you. That shits ridiculous.

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

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What do you call a fancy door handle?

A S-knob

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

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How i handle Christmas gifts

Typically I buy everyone two presents one their gift and the other a dildo. Reason being if they don't like their gift, they can take the dildo and go fu** themselves.

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I don't think I could handle making love outdoors.

I heard its fucking in tents.

Sorry.

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What did the key say to the door handle ?

You’re such a knob.

Who handles font related crimes?

A sans sheriff!

How do you handle an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

Which GoT character has the most handles?

King of the Andals.

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Mr. X checked into a hotel along with his wife

At 11:30 in the night, he called the reception.

He said "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window from the 5th floor."

The Receptionist replied "Sir this is a personal matter we cannot do anything"

Mr. X ROARED "YOU IDIOT!! You think I will ask you to come and handle my ...

I can handle any pain..

.. until it really hurts.

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

I don’t think I can handle being in prison...

I just know that if I ever get locked up I won’t finish my senten-

I replaced the handles on a chest of drawers with crucifixes.

Now it's a cross dresser.

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".

Just FYI.

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

What do you call bugs that handle your money?

Fine ants.

My son can't handle going to camp this year.

It's in tents

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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An inexperienced young dude hooks up with a rather experienced MILF on Tinder...

They make out, when she says - hey, you ever had a 69? "No, what's that?", he replies. She says "let me show you", as she pulls down her undies and straddles his face, taking his dick in her mouth.

Few minutes into it, she's hot and bothered, and lets out the tiniest "feeeeeeeeepppp" fart war...

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations?

He grabs them by the +c.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant

It's a real game changer...

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

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When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst...

When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.
What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'.

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

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A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment,...

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

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My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

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