How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

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People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.

I think they nailed it.

Which GoT character has the most handles?

King of the Andals.

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".

​

Just FYI.

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I call my penis 'The Truth'.

Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.

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What did the key say to the door handle ?

You’re such a knob.

I don't think I could handle a 5k

If I could just sit on the couch all day that would be 0k.

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I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Its ok. i can handle it.

Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

I told my wife, "You are so skinny."

Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

Leading scientists gathered today to decide how to handle the world's overpopulation problem.

They decided on the humane execution of a large group of people but they had to take a vote on which demographic to kill off.

After a long day of deliberation it was decided.

Youth in Asia.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

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I asked myself how to handle life?

My room gave me all the answers:

​

Roof said: aim high

Fan said: be cool

Clock said: value time

Calendar said: be up to date

Wallet said: save now for the future

Mirror said: always observe yourself

Wall said: share others' load
<...

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

A steamboat captain brought his son along on a short cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living, but all the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his father taught him enough to handle the job, he asked the pilot to let him take the helm...

"Okay..." said the pilot. "But you must pass a small test first. If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should I use?"

"Turn to port!" said the boy.

"Correct!" said the pilot.

"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction would that be?"
...

I’m absolutely done with friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

What is long, hard to handle and keeps her up all night?

Clinical Depression

I don’t think I can handle being in prison...

I just know that if I ever get locked up I won’t finish my senten-

Who handles financial matters in a monastery?

That's nun of your business

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I don't think I could handle making love outdoors.

I heard its fucking in tents.

Sorry.

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If you can't handle me at my worst....

I don't blame you. That shits ridiculous.

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This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off! Then, I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off!

I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand!

Now, I'm afraid to pee!

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Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

“I handle important transactions for a large multinational company”...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald’s.

[NSFW] I think that I would be able to handle cancer better than my wife.

You're encouraged to beat cancer.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.

I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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My brother has a tiny penis, but he always has more girlfriends calling him than he can handle

He says it's 'cause he's short-staffed

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

How do you handle an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

If you can’t handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.

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I tried holding a door for a dude at the bar the other night and he flew off the fucking handle, screaming at me...

....SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR I'M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!

I hate friends who cant handle alcohol...

Last night they dropped me thrice while carrying me back home

If you can't handle losing....

... 'Russian Roulette' is an excellent choice of game.

What do you call bugs that handle your money?

Fine ants.

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

Obama, Trump, and Bush were tossing around a football

On one pass, Trump throws the ball too far and it gets punctured on top of the White House fence.

Bush and Obama yell at Trump, saying he always manages to lose or destroy the football.

After a few minutes of angry stares, a Secret Service agent goes to Trump. He gives him another foo...

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When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst...

When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.
What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'.

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

I buried my wife today. This date is going to be hard to handle every year.

The date of her death will probably harder though...especially coming only a day, or at most two, later.

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How i handle Christmas gifts

Typically I buy everyone two presents one their gift and the other a dildo. Reason being if they don't like their gift, they can take the dildo and go fu** themselves.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

My son can't handle going to camp this year.

It's in tents

I don't know if I can handle the intensity

My wife just told me she was going to blow me harder then the falcons 28-3 lead.

Who handles font related crimes?

A sans sheriff!

A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Me: That's right. But co...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

How does Donald Trump keep a handle on integral equations?

He grabs them by the +c.

I can't handle the pressure of competitions.

Even in eating races I choke!

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

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Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.

“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.

“Oh?...” she replied with a concerned inquisition.

“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough s...

Love Handles

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since yo...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling...

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day ...

If you can't handle me at my worst

then I should probably pull myself together and be considerate of others.

I fired my personal trainer today.

I couldn't handle the ab use.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

mexican racist jokes (dont look if u cant handle them)

1) how do you stop a mexican tank?

shoot the guy pushing it

2) why isnt there a mexican olympic team?

because all of the people who can run, swim, and jump are in the U.S!

3) whats the difference between a picnic table and a mexican man?

a picnic table can support ...

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I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy

Just like my four fathers did

I'm handling Monday the same way I handle constipation.

Gritting my teeth and wishing it pass already.

The mad old King

Once upon a time there was a King who was quite mad, through and through.
So mad in fact, that he would kill every daughter his wife bore as he only wanted sons.
He lived in a huge castle right next to the sea.

The kingdom that this King ruled over stretched far and wide. All the good...

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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"

The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.

"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"

"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"

"What the fuck are you ta...

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what do you call a pissed off group of door handles?

An angry knob

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Blonde on a plane

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN ...

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I have a really great dildo joke...

But I don't know if you can handle it

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women

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