UPJOKE

### I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?

He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

### An unreferenced function walks into a bar

Function says to the bartender, "I need a stiff drink, I've had a rough week."

"Nobody calls me anymore!"

### I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

### A bunch of functions are drinking in bar...

When someone yells "A differential is coming!" All the functions panic and try to hide, except e^x . One of the functions asked "e^x , why aren't you hiding from the differential?" To which it responded "I'm e^x , a differential can't do anything to me!" At that point, the differential walked in and...

### A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.

On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialisti...

ctrl+v

You never return

### All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

### All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

### f(x) walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions".

### As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

### At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

Me: Just ‘cos

### What is the mathematical function condemned by church?

It's sin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises?

I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.

### Two functions walk into a function bar...

...and it's a big party. All of the functions are there, having a great time. Except e^x is off in the corner, all by himself, looking rather glum. So x^2, being the nice guy walks up to e^x and he says "Hey e^x, why don't you integrate yourself into the party?". And e^x hangs his head and says with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

### Recursive function

> **recursive_joke**( ***redditor*** ){

>> if ( **joke_is_funny_to**( ***redditor*** ) == true ) {

>>> *// if the joke is funny*

>>} else {

>>> *// if the jok...

### What’s blind man’s favorite trigonometric function?

Secant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

### There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"

e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Frank asked Joe what function key on a Windows PC is used to spell check

Joe responded: “F5”

Frank said “No that’s refreshing my browser page”

Joe said “No look at the window!! Fucking F5!”

Frank angrily replied “DUDE! I’m looking! it’s refreshing the page, not spell check!!”

Frank took some initiative and looked it up himself to find that the...

### Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function.

I don't understand the cotangent function.

### Just bought the new Samsung, because it has a panorama function...

Now, I can take a picture of my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

### It's easy to hide a function if it has no Z's

you can hide it in plane sight.

### If you get cold enough, your body will eventually stop functioning and you will die.

However, when you reach the coldest temperature possible, you’ll be 0K again.

### A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

### I just finished watching a mediocre documentary on mathematical functions.

The plot was predictable and the special f(x) was terrible.

### At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses.

"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"

To which ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My grandpa likes to boast that his bodily functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:

"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a piss.At 5:45 I have a shit,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

### Scissors and knives serve similar functions...

But I learned the hard way scissoring someone gets you a very different reaction from knifing them.

### In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

### I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

### My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions.

Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.

### Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

Ouf

### 'I Love You' is a mathematical function

'I Love You' is a mathematical function where,

'I Love' - is constant and ;
'You' - is a variable..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

### Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

### So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

### Baby, are you a relative minimum of a function?

Because when I found you, my life changed from negative to positive.

### An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

### A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential op...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

They curry on.

### What is the function of the world's last ENIAC?

Operating the Reddit search engine.

An Al Gore-ithm

### A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

### What do you call a blind trig function?

Se-cant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

### What's the difference between between the Sine function and a Tropical forest feline ?

While the first oscillates, the second ocelot

### Why doesn't the pope like continuous functions?

They're not hole-y.

### How do you get Reddit to improve their search function?

Have CNN report on how bad it is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Are you the fourth derivative of a position function?

Cause you're a jerk!

### Why don't Jedi mathematicians use the absolute value function?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

^and ^it's ^non-differentiable ^at ^0

The skid mark.

### I submitted a great joke about Reddit's search functionality a while back.

I can't find it now.

### I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

### TIL some parts of the Titanic are still functional to this day!

The pools are still full!

### What function do the bumps on a nipple serve?

Its brail for, "Suck This."

Lucky

### Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

### What does a C++ function and a cellphone activated suicide bomber have in common?

Both are executed when they're called.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

### Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

### My company replaced me with a robot that performs all my functions.

Then my wife bought one

### Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when it’s ready.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### 10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

### Lots of rumors that Trump is a functional illiterate, but it's Fake News...

He's tremendously dysfunctional, big league. Ok? Ok.

### This weekend I bought a belt buckle that was also a functional face clock...

I threw it out. It was a waist of time.

### If i was stranded on an island with a fully functioning plane and a runaway,,

I'd still be stranded on an island.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A particularly disheveled scientist discovered a way to convert human waste into a functioning liver.

When asked about the inspiration for his discovery he said "it was the only way I was ever going to get my shit organ-ized"

### Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

### A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### I'd been in a serious accident.

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.<...

### Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basic...

### I'm going to open a building that functions as a sperm bank as well as a urine analysis center.

It'll be called "coming or going".

### My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...

Many Hans make light work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...