What do you call functioning communication equipment found in Chernobyl?

Radioactive.

Dad, I hate my life. It's like a functioning vacuum cleaner.

Dad: I don't understand

It sucks.

Dad: well, there is always roomba improvement.

Sad news but a good friend of mine just had a stroke. He says he lost functionality of the left side his body.

When I called to ask how he’s doing he said “I guess I’m all right now.”

I used to be a high functioning alcoholic.

Then I gave up weed.

What is the mathematical function condemned by church?

It's sin.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me... are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

"Sure, go ahead if you really like it."

"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealershi...

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If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

It's easy to hide a function if it has no Z's

you can hide it in plane sight.

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

I just watched a movie about graphical functions, but was really disappointed.

The plot was predictable, the special f(x) terrible.

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

My boss pulled me aside at work one day

And said you're a high functioning alcoholic, I asked him how he knew that I was also high

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

Damn girl, are you my appendix?

Because I don't understand what you do or how you function, but this feeling in my stomach makes me wanna take you out.

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I asked my penis if it felt depressed knowing it's only function of existence is to purge out bodily fluids all day, everyday, for all eternity.

He said ***At first, it pisses you off, but then you cum to enjoy it.***😉

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Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

The functions stopped calling each other...

Because they had constant arguments.

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A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist walk into a bar.

The bar falls silent, all the patrons looking expectantly at the trio.

The mathematician stumbles forward a few steps while glaring at everyone and shouts "What the hell are all you cocksuckers staring at? You waiting for a joke or something?" before passing out and collapsing to the ground.<...

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

I met a function who was feeling sad.

But once they stopped being negative on the outside, things started looking up.

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The Post Turtle (Re-post, but still valid.)

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

People always ask me why I do everything with one impute and one output.

I always respond:

That's just how I function.

What did the cubic function say to the second order polynomial?

Nice quads

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

What's a Priest's favourite functionality of Reddit?

*show all child comments*

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

There is a big function party

Everyone is there, x^2, sinx, cosx.
e^x is sitting in the corner crying. they ask "him why are you crying? Why don't you integrate yourself?"


e^x looks up and says, "It wont make a difference."

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Larry got the new Secretary

**Garry:** Your New Secretary is very Sexy....

**Larry:** Thanks! she is actually a Robot, Named Doreen, if you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she types letters. Will Work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days, no medical, no de...

A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

At a Mathematical Functions party...

... 2^x and 3^x notice that their friend e^x is standing alone in a corner looking kinda sad. They decide to approach him and try to convince him to have a little fun with the other Functions, but he refuses.
So 2^x asks him:

"Come on man try to have some fun, integrate!"

To which ...

My camouflage is only 70% functional

Ouf

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What is a beaver’s favorite mathematical function?

No, not log, it’s a fucking beaver you dipshit. They don’t understand math

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

What’s blind man’s favorite trigonometric function?

Secant

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions.

Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.

Its crazy how some people die after having a stroke, but others just lose a bodily function and are otherwise okay..

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Picking up girls is like the Cotangent function.

I don't understand the cotangent function.

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor  and says “this man truly belongs he...

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A boy was born with no torso, no limbs etc...

despite all that he had a fully functioning brain and heart but was essentially just a head. As the boy grew older he was angry at his lot in life and always verbally abusive to his poor parents. ( well, he could hardly be physically abusive could he?). His treatment wore on them as he was always...

So they finally made an affordable and functional jetpack

The sales are through the roof

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A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

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A man goes to the doctor and says:

**"Doctor, I'm sick and tired of my voice being unnaturally deep. Is there anything that can be done about it?"**

So the doctor runs some tests and then says "Would you mind just dropping your trousers for me please?" and the patient says "**Why?**" and the doctor says "There's a rare conditi...

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Rip karen

I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly said ''customer is king" to which he replied "we' re in France, we decapitate Kings"

A village of mathematical functions is slumbering

when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential op...

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

TIL some parts of the Titanic are still functional to this day!

The pools are still full!

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Have you read the autobiography of the guy with two functioning penises?

I don't know, I thought he came across as two cocky.

Once you stop doing functional programming...

You never return

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A man was in a horrible car accident

A man wakes up in the ICU with a nurse standing over him. He has tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and he's in terrible pain.
He asks the nurse "What happened?".
The nurse give him a serious, deep look, straight into his ey...

What is r/jokes' main function?

ctrl+v

My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...

Many Hans make light work.

Health Education

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

There are two critical factors in the spread of Coronavirus. 1. How dense is the population. 2. How dense is the population.
...

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Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old say...

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

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Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

Two functions walk into a function bar...

...and it's a big party. All of the functions are there, having a great time. Except e^x is off in the corner, all by himself, looking rather glum. So x^2, being the nice guy walks up to e^x and he says "Hey e^x, why don't you integrate yourself into the party?". And e^x hangs his head and says with...

ƒ(x) walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

Baby, are you a relative minimum of a function?

Because when I found you, my life changed from negative to positive.

My company replaced me with a robot that performs all my functions.

Then my wife bought one

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

What is the function of the world's last ENIAC?

Operating the Reddit search engine.

'I Love You' is a mathematical function

'I Love You' is a mathematical function where,

'I Love' - is constant and ;
'You' - is a variable..

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

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How can we explain the concept of 'recursion' to a non IT person

Imagine you are wanking,

to the thought of yourself wanking thinking the same thing(1),

who in turn is thinking about himself wanking while wanking(2),

and yet again another level(3),

and it goes n times deep, till one guy finishes, which makes the next level up climax...

Are you a rational function?

because I could ride your asymptote to infinity.

So a dad and his son go into a bar...

His son is literally only a head (doesn’t need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hy...

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

Recursive function

> **recursive_joke**( ***redditor*** ){

>> if ( **joke_is_funny_to**( ***redditor*** ) == true ) {

>>> *// if the joke is funny*

>>> **please_upvote_and_comment**( ***redditor*** );

>>} else {

>>> *// if the jok...

Saw a note by my girlfriend on the fridge this morning.

It said: "I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work anymore..."


The lights were still functioning and the beer was cold. I don't see the problem.

Why doesn't the pope like continuous functions?

They're not hole-y.

What does a C++ function and a cellphone activated suicide bomber have in common?

Both are executed when they're called.

This weekend I bought a belt buckle that was also a functional face clock...

I threw it out. It was a waist of time.

What's a Vice Presidents favorite type of math function?

An Al Gore-ithm

Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and alzheimer’s

Man: Doc, what’s alzheimer’s?



Doctor: it’s a disease that slowly destroys your memory and mental function. I understand this can be rough to go through and we have resources for you if you need them.


Man: Well at least i don’t have cancer

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Not getting enough carbs for normal brain function?

A woman walks into a bakery on Monday, and asks the baker for some bagels. The baker says, “I don’t have any bagels, I will have more on Thursday.” The woman says okay and leaves.

On Tuesday the woman goes back to the bakery and asks for some bagels. The baker says, “I told you, I don’t have ...

What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?

Lucky

If i was stranded on an island with a fully functioning plane and a runaway,,

I'd still be stranded on an island.

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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

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